Difficult DD

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I moved here just over a year ago, having lost my DH, after caring for him for four years, to be close to my DD her DP and my little GD. I have done a lot for them, including free childcare once or twice a week, financial help etc. My DD has twice said very hurtful things to me and upset me dreadfully.

Last week, when dropping of my DGD I asked her about her little dog which may have cancer. I have looked after this dog frequently when they go away and am very fond of her. She said, " It's not your concern. It's our dog, not yours". Then my little GD asked for a snack, and already rattled I made a joke and said, "Oh a smack", and patted her on the bottom. My DD went ballistic at me using that word, though she has never mentioned this before, despite lots of other things she has explained that they don't say, and which I have respected. I walked away rather than respond as I was upset and she turned to my DGD and said spitefully, " Your grandma used to smack me when I was a little girl." While that is true, it sounded so cruel, taken out of the context that I asked her to leave. I looked after my DGD all day, despite feeling very hurt.

Her DP picked up the child and of course, she had not told him the whole story. I said that I needed a heartfelt apology from her. Several days later she arrived, supposedly to apologise but proceeded to gaslight me and change what was said by both of us. She left after dropping the biggest bomb and saying that my DH had once smacked her so hard that she flew across the room. My DH never laid a hand on anyone, ever, in the 50+ years that we were together.

I spoke to my DS who supposedly was there when this happened and he agreed that it never did and that his DD never smacked him. She has cancelled a spa date that I booked for us, for her birthday and my next day with my GGD, as if I have done something wrong and she is punishing me.

I haven't confronted her on what she said as I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose contact with my DGD. She had conflicts with her DD over the wedding with her ex, which were to do with her attitude and money, but that's no excuse for saying things about him when he's not here to answer back. My only thoughts on her lying is her hormones (struggling to conceive and on progesterone) or issues implanted during all the therapy she had after the break-up with her ex.

What do I do? I am so angry and hurt about this. At the moment I am just not contacting either of them and am waiting for them to need my help again and to contact me. Sorry for the long post and possible mistakes as it's my first one. I am hoping for some support and sensible advice. Thankyou.

You need to reflect on what actually happened during your daughter’s childhood. There are huge gaps here and you are simply playing the victim.

Personally I think your daughter is traumatised from getting slapped l. I think you need to apologise to her.

I think you are being unfair by characterising your daughter as difficult. Her feelings are just as valid as yours.

It sounds like she has some stuff to work through from her childhood and obviously she has lost that opportunity with her dad.

I think that your DD would have an entirely different perspective on what occurred. I agree with PPs that demanding an apology will only have made things worse and has likely extended the hostilities.

I'm sure your DD knows better whether your DH hit her than her brother does. If you tell her that you think her brother is a more reliable narrator of her own childhood than she is I could see this really escalating.

You need to decide whether you want an open and conciliatory conversation where you listen to her and accept her perspective even if it is hard to hear OR whether you want to sweep it under the carpet and reconcile that way. However, pushing for an apology when it's clearly a little more complicated than you think it is will only alienate her.

If I told my mum that my dad had hit me, I'd be very upset if she didn't believe me and believed my brother's version of events instead. Why is he more likely to remember accurately than her?

Clearly being smacked as a child really harmed her. Not sure why you’d believe her brother over her about if her dad had smacked her too.

Likely she thought you had realised times had changed regarding smacking so trusted you with her child. Then when you turn smacking into a joke with her child she decides your not to be trusted as clearly you still find even joke smacking ok when she feels so harmed by it from her childhood.

Exactly. She came in, in a stroppy mood and took it out on me. I am still grieving and sensitive to criticism but she was really rude and unkind, and not for the first time. My granddaughter is three and a half and we have a strong bond. I don't yell at her either which I have seen her mum do.

You don't like your dd much at all do you?

The not so subtle put downs, the downplaying of the abuse inflicted on her in childhood, the undermining of her feelings....

It can be very, very easy to revert to sullen, stroppy teenager in the presence of your parents, especially when that is how they treat you.

They were very happy and helped me to find a house. My husband certainly was her Dad and her falling out with him was a situation with things on both sides but we moved past it. It's extremely rude to suggest that I have thrown my weight around. I have delicately navigated the childcare, which I do voluntarily, and always respect their wishes re diet, what to say / not to say. I have looked after my granddaughter even when I was unwell recently (just diagnosed with a heart problem). I also look after their dog regularly when they go away. I do a lot more for them than they have done for me.

OP. I feel for you, it’s a fine line us grannies have to walk. I know for a fact when my DD is stressed she will take it out on me. I just simply get up and remove myself from the situation. I don’t comment, I don’t ask for an apology. I’m a scapegoat and im pretty sure you are one too. I certainly would never argue infront of a grandchild. Just keep things neutral and don’t go planning any trips out with her. There might be loads of stuff going on that you don’t know about that she’s stressing over. Stay strong.

Thankyou for understanding. My husband was the love of my life and was a caring, gentle person. He only raised his voice a few times to the children when they got very silly and boisterous. Even towards the end if his life, with severe dementia, he kept his sense of humour and calm manner. It's just so upsetting that I have to let this go, to keep seeing my granddaughter. I am trying to distance myself emotionally as it will only make my heart problem worse if I let if continue to hurt me.

I think what does stand out here is that there isn’t much analysing of your own actions and just lots of negativity about your daughter.

We all write a version of events that’s favourable to us. Human relationships can be really complex and it’s never as simple as ‘well she accepts childcare so I can’t be THAT bad.’

I would guess most of us have had conflicting emotions towards our loved ones sometimes. We can often push people away at the same time as pulling them closer. And where financial support (or even in the form of childcare) is given it can actually add to feelings of frustration and anger not gratitude and appreciation. That isn’t fair but feelings of obligation aren’t healthy ones and don’t really encourage positive relationships.

My thoughts exactly.

Honestly I think I agree with this

Take a step back for a little while.

You do seem to be cherry picking the responses that agree with your viewpoint, rather than reflecting/responding to the ones that don't. Do you concede that memories vary, that some of your comments may come across differently now? I do think looking at your own actions here might be wise?

I asked how the dog was and if the vet's medication was working well.

I can categorically say that my DH never hit her, me or anyone else in the 50+ years that I was with him. He raised his voice to them so infrequently that she would burst into tears if he did so. My DS takes after his DD and he is kind and thoughtful.

There is no way you can know that. I’m not suggesting you’re lying but you cannot know.

I’ll venture it’s the progesterone and IVF tx that’s at the root of all this.
Maybe discuss the situation and hurt with her partner and step back for a while.
MN just isn’t the place to discuss smacking.

As I explained, I am grieving and can easily get upset or flustered if I am being snapped at or criticised. I have been helping them out a lot more recently as the childminder has been away for a holiday. I do a lot for them and don't feel it's fair to be the brunt of hurtful comments.

Hmm. Sorry, but her experience of her childhood might not be the same as your memory of it.

• the dog - she was rude but probably upset about the dog and also you mentioning it in from of your GD (and tbh it was insensitive to ask about the dog's health in front of the little girl who I assume is young when it might be dying!!)

-the 'joke' about smacking - this was weird imho - not funny and confusing for a child. I personally would not like any adult 'jokingly' hitting my kids. It is confusing for a child about boundaries and it will have been reassuring for the little girl for her mum to have defended her, so I think she did the right thing.

-re her reaction about smacking - seems like she was not as relaxed as you are about being hit as a child, and is still hurt by it. That's why we don't hit children nowadays...

-re her saying your DH hit her. I suspect it's likelier that it's true or at the very least that she believes it to be true.

-To preserve the relationship with your DD and GD I think you need to be a lot more forgiving and understanding. Ultimately she is clearly very emotional about aspects of her childhood. This isn't 'wrong' and you're not going to convince her that she is wrong - so you may as well accept it's how she feels and either ignore it and move on, or actually apologise. Holding a grudge will just put a wedge in the family - fine if that's what you want but probably you'd be happier without this.

You made a joke to a little girl about smacking.

You dismissed your daughter's memory as being untrue. My Mum has done this dismissing thing to me too (not about being smacked, but about something else) and it's hurtful and annoying.

I would be pretty pissed off as well to be honest.

OP, I'm a bit sad to see you describe your DS as "kind and thoughtful" and your DD as "difficult". Can you try to put aside these labels and work towards a better relationship with your DD, for the sake of both of you?

Do you want to also have a bad relationship with your granddaughter? That's what you're likely to get. She asked you for a snack and you pretended to mishear and hit her, for your own amusement. Is this sort of behaviour likely to make your granddaughter enjoy spending time with you or is it more likely to make her tense around you and also perhaps tense about unexpected physical contact more broadly? She shouldn't have to be on edge about getting lightly hit by relatives for their fun.