Difficult DD

[RareTulipsDisplay]

I moved here just over a year ago, having lost my DH, after caring for him for four years, to be close to my DD her DP and my little GD. I have done a lot for them, including free childcare once or twice a week, financial help etc. My DD has twice said very hurtful things to me and upset me dreadfully.

Last week, when dropping of my DGD I asked her about her little dog which may have cancer. I have looked after this dog frequently when they go away and am very fond of her. She said, " It's not your concern. It's our dog, not yours". Then my little GD asked for a snack, and already rattled I made a joke and said, "Oh a smack", and patted her on the bottom. My DD went ballistic at me using that word, though she has never mentioned this before, despite lots of other things she has explained that they don't say, and which I have respected. I walked away rather than respond as I was upset and she turned to my DGD and said spitefully, " Your grandma used to smack me when I was a little girl." While that is true, it sounded so cruel, taken out of the context that I asked her to leave. I looked after my DGD all day, despite feeling very hurt.

Her DP picked up the child and of course, she had not told him the whole story. I said that I needed a heartfelt apology from her. Several days later she arrived, supposedly to apologise but proceeded to gaslight me and change what was said by both of us. She left after dropping the biggest bomb and saying that my DH had once smacked her so hard that she flew across the room. My DH never laid a hand on anyone, ever, in the 50+ years that we were together.

I spoke to my DS who supposedly was there when this happened and he agreed that it never did and that his DD never smacked him. She has cancelled a spa date that I booked for us, for her birthday and my next day with my GGD, as if I have done something wrong and she is punishing me.

I haven't confronted her on what she said as I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose contact with my DGD. She had conflicts with her DD over the wedding with her ex, which were to do with her attitude and money, but that's no excuse for saying things about him when he's not here to answer back. My only thoughts on her lying is her hormones (struggling to conceive and on progesterone) or issues implanted during all the therapy she had after the break-up with her ex.

What do I do? I am so angry and hurt about this. At the moment I am just not contacting either of them and am waiting for them to need my help again and to contact me. Sorry for the long post and possible mistakes as it's my first one. I am hoping for some support and sensible advice. Thankyou.

I'm not sure why you've posted on AIBU as you seem to be very clear in your head that you aren't, and only your daughter is being unreasonable regardless of what anyone says. So why bother making the thread at all?

I was born in the early 80s, never smacked by my mum and my mum knew smacking was abuse, so I don't buy any arguments about it being a different culture then. Yeah maybe more people did it but they knew it was wrong.

Once in my teens my father lost his temper with me in the garage, threw me to the ground and kicked me in the stomach. I never told anyone about it and even if I did they probably wouldn't believe me. But he did. And yeah I'm still upset about it.

So many layers to this, wow.
I suppose the bits that stick out to me

• the dog comment sounds more conversational than accusatory, I don't think it sounds fair that you were snapped at like you were. Perhaps it's upsetting for her to think about so she reacted badly because she was feeling emotional.

• it doesn't sound like your joke was particularly extreme or upsetting to me personally. I think this is the sort of joke both me and my mum have done with my daughter. Where we mishear the request and make a silly joke out of it a few times. (As long as your GD didn't feel threatened or scared by it, to me THATS the important thing.)

• if any one of us saw our child get assaulted, right in front of our eyes, and thought our child was at risk somehow, we would not have left them alone with the one that did it. The fact your DD happily left her with you anyway, indicates to me that she knew she was safe in your care and that you weren't going to hit her.

• I don't think it was appropriate at all for her to tell her DD that you used to hit her, then leave you 2 alone. How confusing, unnecessary and distressing for the small child. That shit needs to be dealt with, not piled onto a pre-schooler.

• Drop the husband thing. You believe in your heart he was a good man, she doesn't. Neither of you will be convinced by the other, he can't give an opinion. It won't do any good dragging that back up.

• don't demand apologies

• maybe give her a bit of breathing room, then offer support. Not in a way "I give you free child care", "I pay for your holidays" kind of way. Actually be there for her, because it doesn't sound likes she's fully coping at the moment and there's unresolved trauma there.

I wonder if there's an underlying sense of injustice at play for you? You mention how much childcare you do, you've paid for a holiday, you do more for them than they for you etc.

Perhaps you feel that there's not enough appreciation coming your way for what you voluntarily do for them? And maybe your daughter has a lot of unsaid feelings about your the situation too.

Might explain why a caring enquiry about the dog has escalated into this.

Well you cannot possibly know that her father didn’t smack her. You say you know but you can’t.

Joking about smacking your grandchild triggered your DD. She trusts you enough to look after her DD but I think you’re the one who needs to apologise. Maybe your DD does too but you certainly do. How old is she? Because I am mid 30s and among my friends and peers smacking happened but it was certainly not the norm by the late 1990s and early 2000s. You minimise the issue for your DD and that’s why she is triggered.

Well then that's on DD. If she has all this trauma around it she shouldn't leave her child with her mum. And if she's moving through it, she shouldn't be bringing it up.

I was smacked as a child. I have no grudge towards my parents about it at all.

She sounds like hard work. I’d let her get over it.

You’re angry that she told her child you hit her but you admit you did? So you’re angry she told her child the truth?

She’ll stop the childcare if you keep beating her over the head with it. You’ve already said yourself she doesn’t need you to do it.

Maybe my view is distorted because my parents hit me a lot and then act as if it was no big deal. The difference is, they’ve never been allowed to have my children unsupervised. Not a chance I’d be willing to take personally. Your ‘joke’ about smacking obviously hit a nerve.

My mum would have said the same about mine, she went to her grave not knowing. Literally everybody in the family would say my Dad is incapable of such a thing. But he did it, and my brother, who was 8 at the time, saw it too.

What a load of rubbish! I tapped her on the bottom and we both laughed. She loves me and I love her.

Thankyou for your constructive comments. I will try to work through them.

I agree. Our parents are human, they will have made mistakes while trying to do their best and part of growing up is recognising that.

I agree with both of you @KimberleyClark and @FrenchandSaunders however some incidents cause significant distress, and you can't blame the child because they're a child, so yeah, they stick. And once they stick it is hard to unstick them.

I agree with this too. My parents weren't really the smacking type, but I vividly remember my mum slapping me once. She also remembers it, and feels hideously guilty.

I didn't even think she would remember tbh, but when we spoke about it, I was genuinely baffled. To be frank, I was 12 and in the throes of puberty and being horrible. I deserved a smack. It did nothing to be aside from shock me out of my horrible behaviour and make me reflect on it. Would I use it with my own children? No. But I hold no grudge or anything against my own parents.

She has every right to bring it up. And actually, her mother was the one who mentioned it, and that triggered her daughter.

Bully for you if you don't have any grudge towards people who assaulted you, but many do. You have no right whatsoever to minimise their trauma, or to comment on how they deal with that trauma.

OP your daughter is clearly still angry and bitter about the abuse she received as a child. She’s trying to get past it, and keen to facilitate a good grandma/grandchild relationship, but every now and then she can’t hold back.

Maybe smacking was considered OK when your daughter was a child, but that doesn’t make it any less unpleasant for the recipient.

She was obviously triggered by the “smack” joke, angry that you would make light of something that affected her so deeply.

If you want to maintain a close relationship with your daughter and granddaughter, you need to apologise for the comment, and for the smacking in her childhood.

You have a lot to lose, so whether you feel it’s fair or not, you should apologise.

@RareTulipsDisplay let her be without her free childcare and her doggy care for a few weeks! is her middle name harry??? everyone else's truth is different from hers!!

Leave her too it. I know it is heart breaking but she will need you before you need her.

We could argue til the cows came home, so this will be my last post onto he subject.

"Triggered" and "trauma"....an occasional smack is not the same as abuse. And if the OPs DD disagrees she has no business using her "abuser" as free childcare.

Smacking is hitting, and hitting is assault. You may have believed it was OK to hit your daughter when she was a child (many parents did believe this!), but it wasn't OK. You need to stop making jokes about it, and to apologise to her.

Oh come on just because something used to be ok doesn’t mean it is today or that is doesn’t cause trauma and smacking someone anyone is abusive. If I smacked my husband people would say I was abusive it’s no different just because the person came out my vagina.

Raping your wife was legal till not long ago are you saying that wasn’t traumatic.

Tell that to a woman whose husband does it. Violence is abuse. There is no excuse for it. Op is not even apologetic. She needs to understand that she is lucky to be allowed near her grandchild at all and has a lot of smoothing to do with her daughter.

You clearly have no understanding at all of trauma, or the complexities around abuse. Neither does op. That is the only reason I have bothered to respond to you. Op needs to hear how to fix it, not to have apologists for child abuse back her up.

Sounds like two very over wrought people clashing.

I would apologise for making a joke about smacking & then leave it up to your daughter.

I don't think any of these examples is comparable with smacking. These are things that we now know could hurt children/make them sick. Or even kill them in the case of sleeping on their front. But as you say, you did the best you could and I'm assuming your children lived to adulthood and weren't damaged by any of these things, hence you have nothing to apologise for.

Smacking on the other hand does damage children, and there are plenty of adults walking around who are damaged by it (something supported by plenty of research). So that's different and is something to apologise for.

And no, you're not supposed to "apologise your child's whole life". You're supposed to apologise once and genuinely mean it. Something a lot of the boomer generation of parents find impossibly hard, whereas parents nowadays are generally much more willing to apologise to their children. I do it all the time.

I think it’s interesting that you want your son to validate your daughter’s experience and you say he is like your husband in terms of personality,

but you describe daughter as difficult. Do you think this might be obvious in other ways and hence your strained relationship.

you can’t know 100% husband didnt hit her. You’ve said yourself in arguments he had to go for a walk to cool off aka he was angry. And he wouldn’t discipline them except when wound up he would shout. Again bit snappy. If smacking was the norm why would he tell you about it?

It sounds like you don’t want to reflect or give empathy to your daughter which is pretty sad tbh. If you don’t want to do childcare don’t do it. Don’t do it and use it against then. Ultimately if you want to form a relationship with DGC you need to spend Time with them which you are doing. Now you know the smacking is upsetting don’t make jokes and apologise for the joke, apologise once for smacking eg I know now that it’s not how to discipline a child and I’m sorry. Then leave it there. If it’s raised again then it’s a different issue.