Should I pay for boyfriend’s pets if I move in?

[LilacsLife]

I have a few questions actually and I am hoping to cover them on this one thread! I have been with my boyfriend for just over a year and plan to move in with him soon (we have been doing it where I’m staying basically full time, so he did express to me that he thinks it would just be best I move in and can then officially split things 50/50). He has a dog and cat and has told me I absolutely don’t need to contribute money towards them, but that he then wants to be able to stick to his schedules with things, he is quite strict with stuff like bedtime and when he goes to bed and does walks and stuff, simply so the dog stays in a routine (he lives in a flat so there’s a few walks for a toilet break) and there’s one before bed, so he has set bedtimes for set shifts and things. It feels quite a lot (we are late 20s, I will add) and we are obviously child-free atm so don’t really want so much structure, I’ve said like can we just relax on that and he says if we do, the dog’s behaviour can be unpredictable with being too hyper or having accidents (if routines aren’t followed) I love his pets and do want them to become mine too and for me to be able to have an equal say in stuff and I said if I can, I’ll of course then contribute to half the costs of them, he says he admits it might be hard to do that as he has had his dog 7 years and knows what’s best for him and would find it hard for me to now come in with a bunch of different ideas and change things up, which is why he says he would never expect me to pay for them. What’s the general opinion on this anyway? Do people split pet costs if they move in with partners that have pets? Like, I have no idea what is even acceptable with that, regardless of this specific situation. I admit I am quite lazy and around full time work I don’t want to be setting my alarm if I’m on a late shift and having to work until the late evening but he will usually still have his bedtime of about midnight and get up at 8! I personally like to relax in bed most the morning until I’m due to get up for work or maybe get up an hour before to do some jobs, I don’t want to be up and out with the dog at 8am, he says I don’t have to be out with the dog but he thinks it’s going to be hard if he is going to bed at say midnight or even 8pm for early shifts (we both do shift work, but are usually on the same, it’s specific shifts hence he has his routines) and then I do completely different and I do agree… is this just a case of us not being compatible? It hurts my heart to think that as I love him loads and he actually makes me really happy and I love his dog and cat, I always wanted pets but my parents never allowed (I moved back in with them to save) so I do genuinely really love his, etc. but I am just a lot less structured and as I have admitted before… lazy lol. So does this then not work? He has said he will stick with his routines with his dog/cat (mainly the dog) around his shifts and I am more than welcome to do what I want that works best for me but that he would obviously like it to align with his the best it can but then I feel I have to do what he does vs what I do because of the dog so not much compromise? My friends and other relatives have had dogs and from my understanding it’s never needed to seem so rigid. I don’t know, feeling a bit deflated and have no idea who to ask on what’s fair

[WickWood]

Sorry OP, but I think he's the reasonable one here. He knows what's best for his dog after 7 years with him, I don't think you should come in and change that when the routine and structure is clearly working for them all. I'm sure you wouldn't be happy if the dog started doing his business indoors. He seems like a responsible pet owner, you really can't be lounging around in bed in the mornings with pets, unfortunately!

[toomuchfaff]

Don't try to dictate any changes to the routines he has with the pets. Don't try to make changes to any of the long standing, working routines, walks, feeds, etc. He knows what works, he's kept them alive this long, don't interfere.

[TeaKitten]

He’s right, the pets aren’t yours, he doesn’t want them to be yours, it’s not your choice to make. You don’t sound particularly compatible for living together anyway.

[sandyhappypeople]

I'm not sure I understand, he has a schedule now that he sticks to because it works best for him, he's being doing it for 7 years, so why would you being there change things?

For instance if he goes to bed at midnight and gets up at 8am to walk the dogs, why do you have to get up in the morning? Why can't you stay in bed?

[Constantdistractions]

I don't see why you need to be getting up if he's up to walk the dog. You've said you don't have children yet. If you're wanting DC I'm not sure I'd pick this one, he'd likely not be happy with DC disturbing his dogs sleep/you getting a lie in after a night up with newborn ect.

[ThinWomansBrain]

so you want the pets to be yours when it suits you, but not when they need to go out in the morning?
YABU

will you have the same attitude it you have children?😂

[LilacsLife]

I do understand that and don’t really expect everything to just change for me, but he has quite bluntly been like “it’s bedtime now, so I’m off to bed” and it feels we can’t even have a relaxing evening without watching the clock. He says he doesn’t even consider it’s clock watching as he is so used to it, I’m finding the adjustment quite hard! There’s a lot to think about all the time, it doesn’t feel relaxing coming home from work and being in that environment. As much as I do love being with him and being where he lives (or obviously wouldn’t be talking about moving in or being there a lot) but would really like some changes as a compromise but did worry he would be seen as the more reasonable one and then it’s a case of me just being forced to decide if I want this lifestyle or not! He says it’s not so bad as if we have children one day (we do both want this) it’s giving us a taste of it anyway and I get that, but I want to enjoy these years BEFORE all of that for a reason, it’s just hard as it feels like a small thing to break up over but at the same time seems to be such a big thing. I love everything else and the feelings for him!

[SapphireEyes88]

It could depend on the breed of dog, some really need structure and an amount of exercise or they can be destructive and aggressive. However, it could be that you replace an hour walk with a toilet break and something like a snuffle mat or scent training which is enrichment that will tire them out too.
In terms of finances, it depends on your plans. I had more pets that OH but we split costs 50/50 so it all came out of a combined pot. It's also never been that I look after my pets and he looks after his in terms of walking, feeding, meds etc. I value his opinions and experience but we always talk through issues such as vet treatment and come to a mutual agreement.

My concern would be does he actually just think that he knows best and you don't have anything to bring to the table? Do you think he'd end up resenting you if he walks the dog in horrid weather and you have a lie in? Would you be equal in everything else?

[Ilovelurchers]

That was a bit exhausting just to read, let alone to be worrying about, bless you!

I think you have to suck it and see, really. It might be that he is so much more routine-orientated than you, that your partnership can't work. Or, you might be good for each other and provide much needed balance? You will only find out by giving it a go.

I would suggest that you just don't commit to anything irrevocable (so don't buy a property together or plan for a child) until you have lived together a year or two and see how it is working. Treat this as a trial run. Keep talking. It does sound like communication is good between you both, and that you are both interested in fairness, and that is promising!

Good luck. It's exciting - try not to over worry or over-think it. See how it feels when you are actually living it.....

[TeaKitten]

@LilacsLife

I do understand that and don’t really expect everything to just change for me, but he has quite bluntly been like “it’s bedtime now, so I’m off to bed” and it feels we can’t even have a relaxing evening without watching the clock. He says he doesn’t even consider it’s clock watching as he is so used to it, I’m finding the adjustment quite hard! There’s a lot to think about all the time, it doesn’t feel relaxing coming home from work and being in that environment. As much as I do love being with him and being where he lives (or obviously wouldn’t be talking about moving in or being there a lot) but would really like some changes as a compromise but did worry he would be seen as the more reasonable one and then it’s a case of me just being forced to decide if I want this lifestyle or not! He says it’s not so bad as if we have children one day (we do both want this) it’s giving us a taste of it anyway and I get that, but I want to enjoy these years BEFORE all of that for a reason, it’s just hard as it feels like a small thing to break up over but at the same time seems to be such a big thing. I love everything else and the feelings for him!

You don’t have to break up, but you’ve only been together a year and clearly aren’t ready to move in together.

[LilacsLife]

I can stay in bed but he’s then on a completely different routine to me, he’s going to bed way earlier for the shifts than what I would, I also like to nap after an early but in his world naps aren’t allowed. Don’t get me wrong, he says I can if I really want to but that it’s just ruining our time together and how we function together at home… it’s just so stressful! Finally think you’re in a good relationship and then things like this, that you don’t even think about end up feeling like a problem, but surely they don’t need to be! I feel his pressure of routine is causing the strain

[MyBreezyPombear]

Honestly, my dogs are so much better in a routine. Without a routine, my husky in particular can be a nightmare behaviour wise. We do things at the same time every day for him and he's so much better, he knows what's happening and when.

[SarahAndQuack]

It sounds as if he's moved onto adult time keeping and you haven't - possibly because he has the pets and he knows he needs to look after them.

It's not fair to keep pushing at his boundaries and calling it 'compromising'. He has told you what he thinks is right for his dog and cat. If you think that's boring or silly or OTT, I do think you're not well matched.

[Haydenn]

I never let anyone pay towards my pets. They are mine, I don’t want any confusion if we break up about them saying they are “our” pets and they should be able to continue to see them.

he doesn’t want you to pay for them, he doesn’t want their routine upset. He sounds sensible and responsible, and like he understands how to avoid conflict over ownership

[Shinyandnew1]

it’s bedtime now, so I’m off to bed”

Are you saying you don’t want him to go to bed when he wants to?

Is he saying you have to go to bed when he does?

If neither of those things are the case, then I don’t really see the problem?

It sounds a bit too soon for you to be moving in with him though. Give it another year or two.

[MyBreezyPombear]

You also keep on talking about shifts, are you talking about work shifts or him getting up in the morning? If you're on about getting up in the morning, that's not a shift it's just a normal wake up.

You're saying that he's being rigid but you also are as well. It doesn't matter if he wants to go to bed early, you don't have to, you can stay up and chill. He's said he's not expecting you to get up and walk the dogs so you don't have to get up with him in the morning.

[LaurieFairyCake]

Ugh. He's an adult with responsibilities

You don't want any

So move out (he will soon find someone else)

Dogs and cats need looking after - the fact you don't want to do the right thing by them only says volumes about you

[Everythinggreen]

You can't rock up and change the established dogs routine because you're lazy (self proclaimed) and it doesn't appeal to you. Get a grip love 😂 You sound very immature and your bf sounds very mature and responsible. If you go in and start changing too much, his cat will be pissed too. I predict a mutiny from them.

[ChildrenOfTheQuorn]

I don't think a 12-8 sleep routine is unreasonable at all. And why do you need to get up or go to bed at the same time as him? I don't with my DH, and neither of us work shifts! Let him crack on with the dog walking and routine, there's nothing to say it's your routine too, you're a grown adult after all.

[Caroparo52]

It's not really about the pets is it.? You two are not compatible in your lifestyles. Dbf likes routine and sticking to a "healthy" routine and sleep pattern. He honours his responsibilities to his dependents... the pets.
This is a good trait. Not judging either of you.
You have different ideas and enjoy the flexibility of routine because you basically can.
You need to talk together before jumping into a house share. It's a tricky senario. He sounds a keeper.

[paintingvenice]

I doubt he wants his pets to become yours too. Most people want a partner to accept and love their pets, but don’t want a new partner (where things might break down) to start viewing themselves as a co-owner with similar claim etc.

[NotMyDayJob]

He's telling you (rightly or wrongly) he's not going to change. Do with that what you will, but don't be surprised if you move in with him...and he doesn't change (regardless of if you contribute to the pets)

[whitebreadjamsandwich]

So what time do you go to bed? Midnights a pretty late bedtime as it is. He can do whatever he likes with his pets round his shifts - you just need to decide if its compatible with what you want to do

[NoTouch]

Imagine on a regular basis you get up for work in the morning but you are not allowed to go to the toilet for an hour or more. That’s what it is like for the dog, he needs out to toilet and in a flat that means a walk.

Any chance you can move into a house with a garden together? Then the dog can be let out to toilet early and be walked a bit later. It is the only way you can get a bit more flexibility with a dog.

[LilacsLife]

Ah I wondered if the moving in together is maybe the thing that’s too soon, he does seem a bit take it or leave it about that in general, says he absolutely loves me there but is also happy to admit to my face he’s also very content with how he lives now which does hurt a bit as obviously I want him to definitely prefer being with me! I’m really keen to move in but I think we are both maybe stressing each other out about it. Maybe that does improve with more time in the relationship… I am there loads though, so it was actually him that was a bit more like “if you’re here most the time anyway, it would be good to be able to share the bills” type attitude but then I overthink that and wonder if he does only want me there to help for the financial side of bills! Ahhh I think I’m sending myself mad over this

I just didn’t realise such routine and structure is common before kids. I feel we are a child free couple and should get to just live care free. To be fair he doesn’t mind that much if I stay up later but then he doesn’t seem too happy if I’m getting up really late, he says it’s only because he is productive in the morning with that time vs my extra time being up late is for lazing around (didn’t say it that bluntly but you get my point) and I see what he is saying but I don’t want to start being productive at 2am and he says but that’s why it’s best to then get up earlier before work and do bits that need doing then…

Surely you don’t have to find someone that has your exact routine to work, especially if we aren’t even on the same shifts sometimes