To leave if DH won’t get help

[MissisK]

DH has had a problem with alcohol for years (functioning alcoholic). A bottle of wine and bottle of beer every day. I’m sure it’s the cause of his mood swings.

He’s promised to give up and get help on multiple occasions. Tonight he’s drinking again. I don’t know how long I can go on with it.

I have 2 teenagers who I’m sure know he drinks a lot.

At what point do you/did you leave? Do I stay and hope he gets help? He gets so depressed when I say I’ll have to leave if he doesn’t get help and I’m overwhelmed with guilt about leaving him.

Look up the research of children who grow up with an alcoholic parent and their outcomes in life. You could life separately and not split, you could split and still be a friend to him, what are your options? Living on eggshells and living with an alcoholic is damaging to kids. Maybe a family meeting to discuss options?

Totally agree with this!

My father was an alcoholic, I was young but can remember his nastiness to my mum, the shouting, the swearing, he committed suicide when I was tiny. My brother witnessed a lot more but has turned into my father, he drinks to oblivion, at one point was sleeping rough,p, has tried to kill himself,even 4weeks in ICU and years of rehabilitation hasn’t stopped him. His grown up children no longer speak to him or their mum as she enables him and priorities him over their children, their house is a hovel.

my mum is so sad as she wanted better for her children and grandchildren.

living with an alcoholic, ruins everyone’s lives! They are selfish, manipulative and play the victim constantly.

please if you can’t do it for yourself, then leave for the sake of your children.

Alcohol changes the brain and changes people as a person. Thats a big reason I stopped. I felt I was changing personality wise and not liking the person I was becoming

@MissisK I don't think you should be threatening to take yourself and the 2 children out of your house. I think you should be telling him that he either needs to stop drinking or he leaves until he's got this under control. He must know he's setting a really bad example to the children

His drinking and mood swings will definitely be affecting your children. Yo be honest you'd be unreasonable to stay. Your children are dependent on you, your husband is an adult and should sort himself out. If he ever does give up you might be able to rebuild something from there, but you need to realise that in all likelihood he is going to be an alcoholic for the rest of his life. Do you really want to be dealing with this for the rest of your life? You can't save him, you can only save yourself and your kids.

I think this is true.
My father was an alcoholic and I remember basically putting him into bed as he was so drunk when my mum was away or working late. He would just take that [my mum being away] as an excuse to drink.
I have never been able to keep a stable relationship, I just cannot seem to pick decent men and I cannot cope with relationships now. I definitely cannot cope with being around drunk people. The love of my life (when I was younger) was also an alcoholic.
I do remember saying to my dad that if he wanted to stay alive to see any grandchildren he needed to stop drinking. He did stop drinking at some point, he doesn’t touch a drop now, but his health is so damaged and I think it was ultimately health reasons why he stopped. He has however lived long enough to see his granddaughter be at the university he attended and develop his own new interests.
I don’t know how old he was when he stopped drinking, I didn’t go home very much by then. I still don’t visit my parents very much. I went through phases of not visiting them at all.
There is no advice for you in this post, I am sorry.

It’s been a surreal day. I think he needs to be the one to leave. I want to keep things as stable for the children as possible. I can’t quite believe this is happening to me. I’ve spent so long in denial that things will change. And no I have to face up to us not being together.

Leave.

It's short advice but the majority of people will continue with their addiction.
You risk wasting your life waiting for him to change.
The promises to get help is just going through the motions to keep you from raising it, so that he can continue to drink.

Your life is worth more than being spent with someone who values drinking over you.

Thats the long and the short of it, im sorry.

Sounds like you’re making a good choice here. Remember, it is his doing why you can’t be together, not yours. You’ve tried and he won’t change. To be honest, is he still the same person? Are you clinging to how he and the relationship used to be? That won’t come back unless he changes and you can’t make him change. This is the ‘new’ relationship.

I would take the advice people have given you here and start making a real plan to prepare for him leaving and make sure you have a way to get what you need financially from him for the house and the kids.

I hope it goes well, please let us all know how you get on. In a few months time hopefully you’ll be in a much happier calmer place to start enjoying life again with your children ❤

This takes me back to the point when the penny finally dropped that I needed to leave my ex. It's terrifying, and the feeling of guilt and responsibility is enormous. It's a big thing to take on and I'm not going to sugar coat the fact you will probably be facing a rough few months.

But I promise you, no bullshit and no rose-tinted specs, that you will look back and thank yourself for ending this marriage. I did this nearly 10 years ago now and there still isn't a day that goes by when I don't say a little prayer of thanks to myself. My life got better exponentially in literally every way. My career improved, my relationship with my daughter improved. My social life came back. I'm even wealthier. Even if none of those things were true it would just be the relief of no longer having to endlessly check him, check how much he was drinking, guard against his moods. It's so liberating.

Give yourself and your children that gift. I guarantee you won't regret it.

good luck OP. I don't want to scare you but this kind of trauma repeats in cycles for generations afterwards. Getting out is the best thing you can do for your DC.