To leave if DH won’t get help

[MissisK]

DH has had a problem with alcohol for years (functioning alcoholic). A bottle of wine and bottle of beer every day. I’m sure it’s the cause of his mood swings.

He’s promised to give up and get help on multiple occasions. Tonight he’s drinking again. I don’t know how long I can go on with it.

I have 2 teenagers who I’m sure know he drinks a lot.

At what point do you/did you leave? Do I stay and hope he gets help? He gets so depressed when I say I’ll have to leave if he doesn’t get help and I’m overwhelmed with guilt about leaving him.

I’m lucky. I have a wonderful family and I know I’d get support from them.

Some alcoholics never see sense, they say that they have to hit rock bottom before they can see the light and want to get better.

please leave before he drags you and the kids down , my sibling and his wife have no contact with their adult children now because of the issues of alcohol. It’s affected the full family.

That’s so sad. And my worry for my DH too. It’s such an awful situation. I hope you’re ok.

How about you love your kids more? I think their need to live in a healthy environment is far more important than whatever kind of love you have for this man. Your kids have suffered enough.

This is the second thread tonight where I'm advising you OP to leave for the sake of your children. They don't deserve to live in a house where they're constantly walking on eggshells. You can't help your DH only he can do that and only when (if) he's ready. You can help your children by getting them out of that toxic environment and getting them the help and support they need.

There are four people in this mess, why does one deserve more than the three? They are all equally deserving of love.
The alcoholic doesn’t love anybody, the mother needs to separate her love for her husband from her love for herself and her children and get the three of them out of there.
The alcoholic may or may not kill himself, it’s his choice and his alone.

Op get some therapeutic help to sort out your conflicting loyalties, your children and you need a break from this energy drain. Sending hugs.

I'm the child of an alcoholic father and a mother who was very much as you describe yourself: hoping for change, believing change can happen; thinking that the children are doing ok on the whole; worrying that leaving could cause more problems than it solves.

All I can tell you is that my whole childhood was defined by my father's alcoholism and my mother's enablement of it. Neither of them are bad people. They're both flawed individuals doing the best they can with the cards they were dealt, and I can see that now, so I make no judgement in that respect, but my siblings and I have been profoundly affected by growing up in that environment.

You are propping him up at the moment. While you're doing that, he will never change. Please don't think that you can help/guide/support him to make a change, because you're throwing your time and your energy and your faith down the drain. An addict won't (can't) change while they have someone standing between them and stark reality. Choose yourself and your children, and cut him loose to sink or swim.

@MissisK thanks, I'm fine, AlAnon helped me to detach. I have many regrets about not doing so earlier for the kids. It's been very hard for them.

What was the other thread? I’ve only posted this one.

By all means, leave the bastard. Don't even hesitate about it. If it is not for you, do it for your kids.

This is such a difficult situation. I really feel for you as it seems you have some difficult decisions ahead. Just wanting to wish you all the best for your family x

Sorry @MissisK I didn't mean to imply I'd advised you twice. The other thread was a different poster and situation.

Im in the fun situation of being stuck with my now essentially disabled H OP. He had a stroke last summer. Because hes an alcoholic basically. He is physically mostly able but mentally his brain is shot. No short term memory. He gets confused. Forgets to eat, take his tablets etc. Gets lost in what should be familiar places. But he is too young and too able for assisted living. So. We are where we are. We are separated ( I lost my shit when he came out of hospital after a month and I caught him drinking on a park bench) but we cannot part ways. Someone has to care for him. Like I said. Fun. 🙄 Dont let that be you.

You said you had found hidden empties before, do you think he is actually drinking one beer and one bottle of wine a night or could he be drinking more? How strong is the wine he drinks?

I am sorry this sounds a really tough situation for you and I understand why you are torn, but ultimately are you happy? Do you want this for the next year, 5 years, 10 years? Doesn’t sound like he’s committed to change at the moment.

I’m forever grateful that my husband stayed with me, admittedly I was still “functioning” now nearly 3 years sober (albeit the functioning alcoholic is a myth I now know but that’s another story) however what you have to decide is what you can cope with. There’s nothing you can do about his addiction. He needs to sort that. The question is whether it’s tolerable enough for you to keep living like this. If not, you should leave x

Surely you love your children more than him? Leave and give them a chance of not having their lives fucked up permanently by their dad. You need to understand the damage he’s doing to them, you say yourself they’re already walking on eggshells. That’s extremely dangerous for a developing mind, and will make them so vulnerable in their future relationships.

I'd leave or ask him to leave, life's too short to waste it on someone who doesn't want to help themselves.

He’s an addict. Our brains aren’t wired like other peoples. It may not be his fault he became addicted - but it is his responsibility to address it now. Not yours.

@MissisK Go to Al-Anon before making decisions. It's the sister fellowship of A.A. for family members and friends who have someone in their lives where alcohol is a problem.

He may be functioning in one sense. However, he isn't functioning as he is a problem for you all. His drinking is affecting you all.

Yes I've experience of this. Here's the link to Al-Anon. Please at least look at the website. There are meetings in person and online.

al-anonuk.org.uk/getting-help/

Ah, no probs. Sad to know someone else is going through it too. I’m sure there are many others too. I quite often wonder how I ever got myself in this situation. It helps to get support so thank you

Alcoholics are selfish and like the comfort. You are the comfort.
You and your children pay for his comfort.

Alcoholism might be an illness. However, it is more complicated and it is more about social politics than anything else, some advocates to treat stabbings with the same approach. I may agree I may not but as I said it is not important on individual basis.

In your individual case it should be about your comfort and comfort of your children. time you spend on management of his alcoholism is a time stolen from yourself and your children. How you and your children are supposed to make friends, have social lives? I bet they never invite friends. He was so stressed he had to drink, aren't you stressed all the time? What would have happened if you would be so selfish? No one would be so understanding.

I’m so sorry, that’s an awful situation. And I do worry about that happening. I’m not sure I’d be strong enough. I hope you’re getting support too.

Honestly, I’ve never been so sad. We don’t have a relationship really. Everything I do seems to annoy him and I’m starting to resent things. And then I feel guilty.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, sounds like you are doing your best at the moment but this isn’t a good or healthy way to live. The resentment will only build then it is difficult to find a way back.

It is very scary to make that move and make the change if you do end up leaving but it’s time for you to be selfish now, for you and the kids. Think about what you want and need and start making the moves to make it happen, whether that’s issuing an ultimatum first such as him seeking help, or deciding you are leaving and looking into your living situation and how that will work and giving yourself a timeframe to leave.

I haven’t experienced life with an alcoholic but as previous posters have said you may find it such a relief if you do leave and be free from that resentment and treading on eggshells all the time. It doesn’t sound like much of a life. I’ve been in a similar situation (minus the alcohol problem) and I just feel I wasted so much time.