To leave if DH won’t get help

[MissisK]

DH has had a problem with alcohol for years (functioning alcoholic). A bottle of wine and bottle of beer every day. I’m sure it’s the cause of his mood swings.

He’s promised to give up and get help on multiple occasions. Tonight he’s drinking again. I don’t know how long I can go on with it.

I have 2 teenagers who I’m sure know he drinks a lot.

At what point do you/did you leave? Do I stay and hope he gets help? He gets so depressed when I say I’ll have to leave if he doesn’t get help and I’m overwhelmed with guilt about leaving him.

You didn't cause this and you can't stop him drinking.
I would suggest finding a support group (like alanon) for yourself and your children.
I would also suggest talking to them honestly when he's not around and decide together what you are going to do. Also talk about it honestly to wider family and friends.
But get your support in place first, and decide what you want to do.
Personally I would confront him and do my best to get him to leave at least until he has sorted himself out.
An alcoholic I knew, his best wife was the one who told him (and everyone) if he drank again she would kick him out, and followed through when he started drinking again.

I have done this for too many years to remember.

My husband went in to a rehab centre for 4 weeks and he hasn’t had a drink for 9 months now. He also hid his drinking when it was at its worst.

One thing, when he was in rehab part of the treatment was to write an impact statement which would be read out to them in a group setting.

You were asked to write down how their drinking made you feel, different events that were spoilt by the drinking, impact on family and to be very specific in detail.

I did question the reasoning behind doing this as over the years had got used to protecting HIS feelings about drinking. Like you I always believed he would sort it out himself, an intelligent guy - he was a high functioning alcoholic I guess the term is.

It was read out to him, by a woman, and he was Genuinely shocked at the affect it had had on me, he knew it affected me but had no idea to what extent.

Just wondering if you did something similar would be helpful for your husband to hear and may nudge him towards getting some help.

I wish you all the very best and hope he can turn it around, he does need to properly realise he does have a problem to move forward.

OP can’t love the alcoholism out of him, or be put in the position where he might stop if only she love him more (I.e. sacrifice more of her life in the altar of his addiction)

Such wise words. @MissisK the feeling I get from your first post is that you want/are ready to leave and that's OK. You don't owe his addiction the sacrifice of you and your children's happiness. Yes alcoholism is an illness but refusing to try to recover is akin to refusing treatment for any other illness and expecting you to pick up ALL of the pieces.

Consider that if you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you have been.

Finally, I heard a great podcast recently about boundaries. The idea being that you can't tell someone else what to do, but you can tell them what you will do if they behave a certain way. You can't tell, plead or beg your husband into stopping, but you can remove yourself from the situation if he doesn't.

OP you are getting lots of good advice here and I would encourage you to find support for YOU at this stage rather than strategizing/speculating about your husband, who is not showing signs of wanting to stop drinking. It is a LONG process - imagine climbing a mountain - and he is nowhere near the starting line. You need to work on strengthening yourself, your body/mind/spirit and addressing the misplaced guilt - you have done nothing wrong here. It is sad and allow yourself to be sad but please don't blame yourself!

NRTFT

My ex was an alcoholic

Recently died, not even 50 yrs old

IME it doesn't get better

Leave OP. I've lived through this with all those same feelings of love and guilt and resentment. It won't get better it will get worse. To add insult to injury you'll be the one blamed for the break up. Leave but do so in as low key way as you can for the children. Keep it all matter of fact, no heart to heart conversations, no blame. It's hard but he doesn't want to hear it and he won't say the words you need to hear.

YABU for not leaving before now, when you have DC to consider.

There are 4 of you in the household suffering from his addiction.
You can’t save him but you can save 3/4 of you.
Saving 3/4 of you is better than all of you drowning.

If you and the children are safe, stable with the potential to build up again from what his addiction has taken away, he should be happy that he isn’t the cause of your misery any more and there’s even a chance it might prompt him to get help.

In a situation like this, where addiction is a downward spiral, it’s your obligation to recognise that you can’t help him but you can save yourself and your children. And that you must act on that realisation as best you can, to free yourselves from further harm.

It’s not your fault OP, that he got to this stage with his drinking. It’s a failed marriage already from your own account. Terribly hard and very sad to have to do on your own, but he can’t help you, so please start to act positively, leaving as much guilt behind as possible - start to act on a plan to better the future lives for the three of you. Good luck !

Please get out, this is no way to live and you shouldn’t have to resign yourself to being his carer

He's an addict, you can't make him quit, it has to come from him.
Leave now and you have time to be happy; don't waste your life with an alcoholic who will always prioritise his addiction over you and the kids.
Also- do you want your kids growing up with an alcoholic?

Please find an al anon and a counsellor to help you work through your feelings on this. Your responsibility has to be to yourself and your children at this time. It’s not your responsibility to fix your dh and even with the best will in the world you couldn’t do it. He needs to take responsibility and make the changes, contact people for help etc.

It’s not an illness. He’s choosing alcohol above all else. He’d stop if he wanted to. The simple fact is, he doesn’t want to. End it.

You worry about him getting depressed, he doesn't worry about the fact that you are sad and worried and that his behaviour is so hard to live with. Ultimately I think you have to put your children's welfare first and make firm plans to leave.

Sorry OP but I would not bring my kids up around an alcoholic.

Apart from the obvious studies they are learning unhealthy relationship dynamics by staying. Walking on eggshells around someone is no way to live.

I agree with everyone else. You have to protect yourself and your children.

You can't think that you can love him enough that he will stop drinking. It doesn't work like that. He has to love himself enough to stop drinking.

I think you need to talk really honestly to your children as well. They will notice everything. They will worry about him being left alone and one of them might even think they need to stay with him to protect him. I think you need to ask advice from Al-Anon at that point.

Thank you for all the advice and support. Honestly, it’s been a hard read but I needed it. I need to face up to the realities of staying and what that would mean.

I realise from the comments that I’m enabling him to live his life like this as there are no consequences for him. Meanwhile the consequences for me and the children is a stressful home life. I can change that. I’m going to call Al Anon for help.

Genuinely, thank you all for helping me get some perspective on this.

As the daughter of an alcoholic father, my advice is to leave. Living with an alcoholic is awful and affects every part of your life. It's affected my relationships and how I value myself. My mum pleaded and cajoled for years and it made no difference. The only reason why my dad stopped was when he had a stroke at age of 61 and he couldn't do it anymore. Your DH has to want to stop and take responsibility for his recovery without this, you're fighting a losing battle. Go.

@MissisK I'm glad it's helping!

please remember, even if he does say he will get help / seeks help, this doesn't mean

a) he will be able to remain sober
b) you will trust him again
c) your relationship will recover

and even if he does stop drinking, he will ALWAYS be an addict. He will just be an addict who is currently dry. I'm not trying to slate addicts, or paint a gloomy picture. Just saying something that took me several miserable years to learn.

also people talk a lot about rock bottom- "oh once they reach rock bottom the only way is up."

this isn't true. Some addicts reach rock bottom then stay there until they turn yellow and die at a young age, discovering additional depths of 'rock bottom' as they go and destroying every relationship around them.

good luck and honestly, your life will be so much better and your kids will be so much better off.

When Ex and I were together he made noises about wanting go stop, then he'd drink, I'd get on at him for it affecting him pulling his weight with the house, how I don't want our son to grow up thinking it's normal etc. He would yell and say I'm the reason he drinks, why do I think he drinks, he's always on edge around me (ha, the irony), he's depressed, he can't cope, every one has a vice whether it's drink, drugs, food etc and this is his lot in life.

We split up and he moved back in with his dad and I moved in with my family and it didn't take long at all for his dad to notice and get on at him either.

He did stop drinking then for about a year. I did have my suspicions, but I thought whatever, I can see a massive improvement in his life, let's resume regular contact for our child.

Then we were both at someone's birthday party and he was throwing back pint after pint. I didn't address it but he came to me and said its a birthday party he's got a lid on it.

We're still separated now, and he's begging me to save his money each month so he doesn't go to the shop at the end of the street and spend it all on booze. I'm not his keeper so I've said no, he needs to find another way to sort it out himself, but he's begging for help.

I forgot to add, we did also go to the alcohol services when we were together. He was offered the medical route where they give you these pills that make you feel dreadful as soon as you drink, but they said that the crux of it is that if someone with alcoholism wants to drink they're not going to take these pills. He was also shown around this building where they do weekly support groups, you grab some food or take turns bringing stuff in, every one seemed friendly, it wasn't religiously motivated, and they had a lot of success stories.

He turned both down because he doesn't feel comfortable round people, we didn't have money for him to travel each week (cos he was drinking us out of house and home) and he's too forgetful to take a vitamin every day so he'd forget his medication.

Leaving was the best thing I did.

You can only feel guilty or bad if you let someone make you feel that way. You should put boundaries in place to protect you from them.

You didn’t cause it
You control it
you can’t cure it

He will only stop when he wants to and / or reaches rock bottom and I won’t depress you by describing how low that can be.
Join Al-Anon for support.
Basically you have to decide whether you still want to live with him or not. threatening to leave probably won’t bring about any change in his behaviour.

Everyone has a different limit. The thing is that alcoholics lie. Repeatedly. They will tell you alcohol is not more important than your relationship but it is, and the lying is corrosive. Think about how you want you and your children to be treated. Alcoholics have dependency issues and they create it in others too which can make these decisions so hard. But the number one thing is when you have some contempt for what they are doing. Then it's finished in reality. Leaving before that point is probably better for you.

My DH drinks a bottle of wine a night and has for many, many years.
A couple of years ago I said we were over, he said he’d stop, it lasted 5 nights.
Recently he said he’d only drink at weekends, guess what, it lasted a week.
You will never win OP, he will choose alcohol every time.

This sounds all too familiar sadly. I hope the advice and comments here help you too.

This is the same realisation my mother in law had, after being with him for 30 years. She said the same, that she knew no matter how long he was sober for she just wouldn't ever be able to trust him again and she would always be wondering when he would relapse

She finally left him last year and is the happiest she's ever been, whilst he is still drinking himself to death

It's not your responsibility to fix him.

It is your responsibility to give your children the most happy and stable childhood that you can.