To leave if DH won’t get help

[MissisK]

DH has had a problem with alcohol for years (functioning alcoholic). A bottle of wine and bottle of beer every day. I’m sure it’s the cause of his mood swings.

He’s promised to give up and get help on multiple occasions. Tonight he’s drinking again. I don’t know how long I can go on with it.

I have 2 teenagers who I’m sure know he drinks a lot.

At what point do you/did you leave? Do I stay and hope he gets help? He gets so depressed when I say I’ll have to leave if he doesn’t get help and I’m overwhelmed with guilt about leaving him.

I was in a very similar situation and it took me a long time to finally end the relationship. When we were together he'd blame his drinking on my nagging. Leaving is incredibly hard but not having to walk on eggshells or deal with drunken or hungover rants makes it totally worthwhile. It way better for the kids too.

The best time to leave is ASAP.

Then sort out your feelings later at Al Anon.

What you're experiencing is codependency and it is as harmful to the children along for the ride as the addiction.

You're making the mistake of believing he cares enough about you or the kids or himself to change.

You need to understand that there is nothing you can do or say that can control or cure his addiction; nothing matters to him except drinking.

Save yourself and your children. You have it in your power to do this. Don't waste your life and theirs engaging in the games the addict is playing.

Would it help you to look at it like this:

Nothing is going to change unless something happens.

If you leave, you are helping him to see the consequences and give him a better chance of hitting his rock bottom and admitting he's got a problem.

Until he admits this, he won't get help.

You staying is actually keeping him from getting the help he needs as he can kid himself everything's fine.

Your best chance of helping him is to leave.

Your Husband isnt putting you guys first, dont make the same mistake with your children. You cant help him unless he wants help but you can help your children and stop them being subjected to this.

He can then make the decision to clean himself up and repair the relationship but dont wait around for him to come to this conclusion by himself, because in the mean time your children will suffer.

If not for yourself, please do something for them.

@MissisK would it motivate you more to leave if the chance of your children following their father and grandfathers steps in alcoholism increases with every year you stayed?

because that’s the reality.

Children know and see more then you realise.

He has an addiction and isn’t yet in a place to accept help or take steps to give up.

You have to take the steps to protect yourself and your well being so you can continue being an awesome mum.

Stop hiding his addiction. Stop covering for him.

It sounds like he's aware that his drinking is a problem but he's not willing to get help to try and stop. You can't control or influence what he does, you can only decide for yourself what you want to do. I would not be willing to live the way you live, with constant worry and walking on eggshells around him. Nor should your children have to live like this. You can contact Al-Anon UK for support (families of alcoholics) but I would think seriously about how much of your life you're willing to put on hold while waiting/hoping for his behaviour to change?

Because drinking is the most important drive for him there will be a part of him that is glad of the excuse to hit the bottle hard - to feel sorry for himself and drown his sorrows.

He doesn't seem interested in getting help or stopping - but if he is could he attend AA if he doesn't want to see his GP?

Haven't read everything but I echo it's time to go. Why stay? He is choosing alcohol over you and your family. If he doesn't think it's a big deal he's nowhere near quitting or even considering it. And even if he does, statistically he will not remain sober long term. My ex died at 41 of alcoholism. A relationship with an alcoholic isn't a normal, safe, happy or stable one.

your kids will be so damaged by this. Show them that prioritising health and happiness is more important than tiptoeing around the needs of a man who isn't remotely interesting in the needs of his partner or family.

I would pack his bags and tell him is moving out. Tell. Him that you had enough of his drinking, his bad moods when he is hungover and the fact he is making the your and his kids lives miserable. Tell him I waited years for you to change but you still sitting here drinking.
I ring his friends and tell them why you have finally kicked him out because I guarantee they know that he is drinking.
What happens if he gets into a car the next morning still over the limit & is stopped by the police? How would he feel if he has an accident that killed some because he was drunk?

I know that this won't be easy but why should you and your kids lives be miserable due to him and his drinking. Your kids are teenagers and have to get through GCSE, a levels and don't need tension in their home then. They deserve to have a few happy years before they go to university or other further training after school.

I feel huge sympathy for you both op. Alcoholism is usually a symptom of something deeper that someone can’t face. And sorry to say, you are much more than a “nag” in the sense that you have been put in the unfortunate position where you are unintentionally providing him with a structure within which he can appear as though he is functioning more normally than he actually is.

His workmates probably know more than you think though, as do other family members besides his mother and his friends. No one will blame you for leaving and protecting your dc.

He has every reason to give up drinking, he is just choosing to push those reasons away out of his conscience currently.

No one can change anyone else op. It’s a waste of energy trying. He needs to take care of himself. Your dh is responsible for his own happiness; you are not responsible for his depression.

It sounds like you have given him multiple ultimatums already.

It definitely affects home life. We’re walking on eggshells. He gets sulky and grumpy and the mood swings are awful. It doesn’t affect work as far as I can see. He does hide alcohol cans in the shed and car and thinks I don’t know.

Ask yourself what is stopping YOU from leaving him? Fear of being lonely?

You are lonely already in this situation, find your inner woman warrior and leave him.

Your future self and your kids will thank you. Or they will repeat the pattern they grew up with.

Wishing you strength.

Google adult children of alcoholics to see what your kids are in for. You need to leave.

My dad was 32 when I was born.
I grew up thinking it was normal to come home from work and drink for 6 hours until you went to bed.
Once, only once, my dad was really being unreasonable with me. and I calmly asked him if he was hung over. I was 15 or 16. In return, I was grounded for two weeks. That’s right - I got punished because I recognized the obvious.

When Dad turned 60, he stopped. He stopped drinking and smoking. He never cheated or anything. It was a sight to see.

Not everyone is lucky enough to make it to 60. It’s up to you to decide whether or not you can stomach watching your husband slowly kill himself - remember: your kids don’t get a vote.
My siblings and I didn’t get a vote and my mother was a martyr, bless her. Poor, put upon mum. Let’s all feel sorry for mum because she decided to stay with a drunk.

Sending love and strength from the child of an alcoholic

So, @MissisK, I can see your head is all over the place.

To prepare to leave, you need to decide who does the leaving? Him or you and the kids?

How do you support yourself and the kids? Is there a joint account? Open a new account and transfer at least 50% to yourself. If you have it, he can’t drink it.

Paperwork. Birth and marriage certs, passports, school records, health records, house paperwork, wills, pensions - his too, pay slips - his too. Insurances - his too. If you start removing it all now to a safe place, will he notice?

Clothes etc - everything that makes up a life. Where does it go and how does it get there? Would it all happen quietly or will you likely need support from someone who takes no shit?

Talking to the children. Someone on here will signpost somewhere to get support and reassurance.

You say you feel guilty for leaving. Well, he left first. And he doesn’t look like he is coming back.

I hope this all helps you clarify your thinking. Don’t be overwhelmed. One step at a time.

I wish you luck.

Just wanted to add that I’m rather shocked he said he didn’t feel comfortable approaching his doctor.

However is he comfortable making your life and that of his dcs miserable?

I’d assumed he tried to give up with the help of the gp before!

Tbh it indicates that he is very far from being in a place where he is fully acknowledging to himself what is going on.

Your kids deserve so much better.

Please leave and teach them about respecting themselves and others.

I don't mean this as harshly as it may well sound, but I would feel far more guilty about making my children continue to endure living with an addict than splitting up their family.

you have choices, currently they don't.

to be blunt, currently one member of your family is totally fucked up. Do you want to add your kids to that number?

I get it. I really do. I split with my alcohol ex when DD was 4. Ex was dead by the time DD was 6. Bloody tragic situation and I'm happy if you want to private message. I understand how hard it is but can also assure you that it is 100% the right choice and the sense of relief you will get once you're not tiptoeing around an addict

This is an awful, emotionally manipulative thing to say. It doesn't depend how much she loves him at all. Women and children should not be sacrificed to a man's addiction because of 'love'.

100% ageee. Awful and not helpful advice at all.

your home is not a rehab centre.

you do not have to sacrifice your well-being for an addict.

Change is rarely successful if your not ready to accept situation and what is needed to move forward for yourself as we only tend to resist more if feel it's being imposed. It doesn't sound like he's ready to want to seek help as theres other options to GP he could try first if he was embarrassed over doing nothing but tbh if he's 'functional' perhaps he's actually worried about it then being on his medical record.

Change can be difficult for anyone but he's an addict so it will be harder for him to stay on that path and the fallout potentially worse for those closest. It's sad but you should focus your energy on what you can change to improve yours & kids lives separately. Raising the issue and being there to provide love and support hasn't made a difference to his drinking over the years so far.

I was widowed with 3 young children by the age of 31 by my alcoholic ex. I had just made the decision to leave and was setting myself and the children up when he drank so much that he ended up in a coma and never woke up. Alcoholism is a supremely selfish disease, you need to leave and hopefully he will get help. The kids will know far more than you think.

why grateful?
Even if he purposefully gave you the gift of “more years of his life given to someone else’s addiction” that’s not a present anyone should want to receive. And presumably not one you yourself would ever be giving to another?

No relationship should be “what you can cope with”, and looking to frame OP as someone who just needs to up her coping skills is disgusting. As ever, it’s an alcoholic presuming to put themselves as the central character in other people’s lives.
She is the important one in this thread, not the alcoholic.

My husband was exactly the same for years.

The turning point was when he blacked out in the front garden and our 10 year old had to help me carry him inside.

I filmed the whole thing and showed it to him the next day. Up until that point, he thought I had been exaggerating everything because he couldn’t remember what had happened.

he started following ‘one year, no beer’. It’s a podcast and a journalling thing where you get a daily email with a pep talk and something to journal about. It really helped him.

another good thing for me was watching some videos by Russel Brand - I know he’s a bit of a knob but he has great insight into how to support people with alcohol and drug problems.

one thing that really stuck with me was this:

”I will help you to change, but I will not help you to stay the same”.

it really helped me to articulate how I felt and it was something that my husband could understand too.

good luck, I know how horrible this situation is.

to give you hope, my husband and I are very happy together and he’s never got black out drunk again. He now drinks in a much more sensible way and we are all much happier.

it can be done but it needs a rock bottom turning point and you need to set your demands and mean them.

https://www.oneyearnobeer.com/