To hate parenting in this country

[DontknowwhatI]

I have a young DC 2 years old, me and DH work full time but I work longer hours over 4 days and I am studying as well. Don't have any family around and I am finding parenting quite hard especially entertaining DC over preschool holidays and weekends. The weather is so crappy always raining and many days we went out and came back drenched because in within 15 minutes weather went from sunny to hailstorm and rain. It's always grey and lack of sunshine is really getting to me now.
I am an immigrant but have been in this country for over 10 years. I used to love this country but hate how expensive CoL has become and the exorbitant cost of childcare means we want to send DC only 4 days to nursery while I am working. I feel I am just working, parenting and doing household chores on repeat with no end in sight. Having no family around means no help available with childcare etc.
I know many people will say to go back to my country but I am a British citizen now. Don't know what to do.

Even those without young dc are thoroughly fed up of the rain. It seems to have been constant lately. Add into that the usual struggles of having young children to entertain, whilst working, equals a shit time.
It does get easier but doesn't feel that way when you are smack bang in the middle of it

The weather almost never gets me down but I think if you come from a warmer, sunnier country, it’s particularly hard.

And I really hear you in the lack of family support. Of course people manage, of course they do, but it’s not ideal. I live somewhere where people tend to stay generation after generation and I cannot tell you how much I envy my friends whose kids are surrounded by two sets of grandparents, often great grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins… It is a lovely way for a child to grow up and it really does take a huge amount of pressure off the parents. We have amazing friends and we have people we could always call on if we needed them but I so wish we had family nearby.

@SunshineOceanAndOranges I completely agree with you re the timing. First 6-12 months are fab, then you dip a bit as you start to get into a routine and miss home etc. That lasts for a while, often with ups and downs. Then things seem stable but there's still this weird lingering effect and for me, 10 years was also a point at which I really struggled. Although, like OP, I also had a 2 year old at that point and frankly, I really wanted to go home. I even looked into a job which would have been an amazing opportunity but it was in the wrong city. Even DH, who has always been completely clear that he did not want to go back, at that point, was wiling to consider it.

So OP - I think that the 2 year old is probalby a bit part of this combined with the 10 year. I found at 10 years and with a small child the sort of fn partying life with my "new" friends had fallen away but I hadn't found a core group of people who were local and part of my new parenting life. Combined with the relentless weather, the feeling like my home was always too small/too cluttered etc...

And right now, the CoL thing is making everything harder. At least when that was me, we were able to afford trips back home fairly frequently, as well as other holidays. We had money to go out and do things and have lots of activities. I used to go out to meet friends for lunch/drinks/coffee/dinner on a regular basis, with or without DS.

NOw, I feel settled here (20+ years) but my earnings haven't really changed notably and DH and I are really feeling it. We couldn't afford a trip home right now and I honestly worry that if one of our parents fall ill we're screwed as I don't see how we'd even get out there to help. Drinks/dinners/coffees are severely limited, days out too. I mean, our mortgage increased by 50% last year, not to mention all the other insane increases in insurance, council tax, utilities etc. And suddnely I find myself thinking that if we went home, we'd be better off.

Well, I am an immigrant too, 25 years here,
born in Communist Czechoslovakia.
Parenting is demanding anywhere, I think. (Child free).
As for going back "home", can't wait to be "enabled enough" to do it.
Anyway, the weather here is crap.
Full stop. 😁

When my kids were little there was no UC. No available childcare. Single mothers were seen as a scourge on society even though it was my exh who left me after an affair. I had no money, no life, no respite.
But I made the most of it. And gradually things got better. Took years but they got better.
My adult kids had years of 1 half working just to pay childcare bills. No holidays other than camping occasionally. But they built their careers.
Now childcare is done, they have decent careers and money to spare.

It's not the first time that the COL has been extortionate. It won't be the last. We need to vote properly and ride it out.

In short OP. It happens in every generation but things will get better. The difference for your generation is that Social Media is telling you that you should have it all, now.

The weather is normal for the so time of year and my family live close by so I'm fine with parenting in this country.

@Simonjt where are you??

🤣🤣🤣

Brilliant. Best advice so far. Close the thread.

maybe invest in some waterproof clothing and make the best of it? Your attitude must be unpleasant to live with. You'll never get this time with your kids again. Most parents have to use full time childcare whilst they work.

@GoodnightAdeline 😂

I’ll probably get shot down for saying this, but I sometimes wish I had the option to be a 1950’s housewife.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m thankful and grateful to have the option to have a career, but since having a baby and needing to work full time to cover the CoL, I really would like the option to work part time or not at all so we didn’t have to pay extortionate amounts for someone else to raise our child.

There was probably many downfalls of being a 1950s housewife, but what I’m trying to say is I’d love the option to live off one salary and focus on raising our child.

Yes it's hard but you can help yourself by changing your attitude.
Get some weather appropriate clothes for yourself and your children. There are plenty of gardens and parks around to enjoy spring blooms with your children rain or shine. UK is also lucky to have numerous free or subsidised activities indoors! Libraries, museums, galleries, swimming pools! I don't know many countries that can offer so much for families ❤️ be grateful for what you have.

@DontknowwhatI if you hate it so much in UK, then feel free to leave!!! no one forced you to come to the UK!! we are used to the terrible weather here and most people go on about the rain because it is pissing awful! If we absolutely hate it, then we would consider moving to warmer climes!!

The sun is shining again today here . Great day for getting out and about where I am with a toddler. Make the most of it!

Tbh I'm on holiday in Spain and everything feels so parched, and it's SO hot, I'm looking forward to some rain.

Yes, I was very impressed years ago with how easy it was to holiday with a baby and 8 year old in France. In every cafe and restaurant a member of staff helped us get a table and brought over the high chair, which was clean. We saw bus drivers helping parents with buggies get off buses.

Every time we’re in Austria it’s been easy as well. We took a fold up baby bath to our favourite hotel there one year as we knew their bathrooms only had showers - only to find they’d given us one of their few rooms with a bath because we had a two year old.

Then one year we saw signs in cafes in Devon that said ‘ no children under 10’ etc. very depressing.

We went to France last year with our 12 month old and I couldn’t believe how amazing the options on the children’s menu were compared to the UK! Mostly the adult meals minus the salt, smaller portions and all fresh ingredients. No fish finger, chips and beans in sight.

Holidays aren't real life though. Away from the tourist stuff... its still bills, school runs, work, cleaning etc.

I totally don't miss trying to get two young kids home from school when it was 40C for example. Or the flash floods, wading through calf deep water to get to the school (then it was back to sunshine an hour later!) Or insect bites or the snake risk, or the sandstorms. Or the cicada racket for weeks on end.

Its different problems.

Parenting is hard and relentless where ever you are. Being miles from "home" and family doesn't help either. And this weather can do one now.

Sadly you're not wrong

I always think I’d really struggle to parent in a hot country because I get quite grumpy when it’s over about 25 degrees and I can’t get in water… which you obviously can’t when you’re doing real life stuff instead of being by a pool
or on the beach!

@Triffid1 Yeah I'm in a similar situation. We can afford to go back to my country but only once a year. There's a big difference between just paying for myself to travel back there and paying for a family's of 3. Which sounds obvious but I hadn't really thought about it before deciding to marry a local and have a child here. By the time we've done a visit home and also visited family in other parts of the Uk, there's hardly any annual leave or money left for trips to other places we'd like to see.

There's a lot I like about the Uk, I actually think our part of the Uk is good for raising children in, very family friendly and we're lucky to have DH's family near-ish, so we do get help, and we also have lots of friends with similarly aged kids. I like the local people, everyone is very friendly.
But I agree with the people who said about the feeling of slow decay, wages and standard of living falling. I worry about our future.

Sweden

I'm originally from a warm country so completely understand. I really hate the drudgery of it all. I'm in London and can't move further out. I find everything so congested, dirty and on top of each other here. Parking is just a nightmare, dragging kids out in this weather is just such a pain and puts me off.

I’m a naturalised immigrant too and I do understand you OP but IMO it’s swings and roundabouts. And this year it’s been really wet but people forget it was gloriously sunny and warm for weeks when the first lockdown started in March 2020. Yet it apparently just rains all the time 🤷‍♀️

Our DC are in their teens now but we raised them without any help. That’s how it just is when you are an immigrant and your family is far away. Many families in my home country have moved away from their small towns to the capital and have to get on without their parents help too. Our life choices have consequences. It doesn’t mean UK is a crap country.

In my scandinavian home country many things are great but some come with strings attached. Child care for instance, it’s very cheap but the nursery will very much pressure you not to bring your child in if you have an odd day for instance. They very much have an opinion on how you should manage your timings. Nurseries also close completely over the summer as they expect parents to be able to take at least four weeks off in one go. If you can’t, your child is sent to another one which remains open and all the children pooled in there over the summer break. You are just expected to suck it up.

People judge your parenting much more than here, how you dress your child and god forbid you forgot to put a wool beanie on them if it’s September onwards. No matter what the actual temperature is!

Once the government paid parental leave is over, everyone returns to work. I don’t know anyone who works part-time. If you’d like to stay at home you’ll better grow a thick skin as people will judge you openly and call you a sponging leach.

Regarding the weather it’s all relative, sleet and mud in October and November. Day light only about four hours. -30 outside but indoors roasting hot, constant peeling of layers nevermind trying to dress a wrigly two year old.. Summer is glorious though but it’s only for about 2.5 months. End of August all the kids activities are already closed until the following year.

Are you from SA OP? As all the South Africans I know, tend to travel back very rarely. If you are, then the weather here may cloud your judgement.

Sorry about the monologue and the moan but I just don’t think the UK is child hating country as it’s often made out to be here. I also much prefer the weather here, no extreme ends like in Scandinavia or hot countries like Spain.