Threw my son's stick away, cue meltdown

[Nana99]

Son has suspected ADHD, and impulse control issues. Starting work with professionals very soon. He found a stick on the way home from school. Started acting up and refused to hold my hand crossing the road (he's 5). I refused to cross without him holding my hand as I know what he's like. Literally just said 'we aren't crossing until you hold my hand'. He got angry and thrashed his arms about accidentally hitting a random person with the stick. I was embarrassed and apologised profusely, took his stick and threw it away, then told him off and took his hand, marching him across the road. Cue huge meltdown. I could've handled it better but I'm exhausted by his behaviour. He's continuing his meltdown at home.

Can ANYONE advise the best way to handle similar situations? I probably escalated things by chucking the stick. It's so hard in the run up to support being put in place. I just feel shit all the time.

I would have done the same, I think you handled it great. Sometimes you can't help look when a kid is having a meltdown down, I know I do. But what I think is ' god I remember those days thank god they are over now', or 'god that looks stressful, the poor parent should I offer to help or will that make it worse', or 'fair play to that parent, sticking to their guns and taking no shit'. No one will be judging you more than you judge yourself.

@Nana99 I am not sure I have anything helpful to share, I clicked on your thread as I am looking for help with all of this. The replies have been really insightful.

My son is nearly 4, I feel sure there is something going on, ADHD or ASD. My husband is really dismissive of it. But he doesn't see the after 'school' (nursery) epic meltdowns, hitting of me and sibling, etc.

If you have time to reply, or anyone does, do you remember what were the things that made you seek help? I feel like I'm the only one that is actually onto this potential issue. Daycare haven't mentioned anything, but he's very reserved there and I think he is masking and then unleashing hell at home :(

Poor focus (most 5yos are a bit rubbish with focus but his was picked up by school and clubs)

Talking and moving all the time. Complete inability to stay still.

Explosive outbursts, often when he is hyper focused on something and has to stop.

Very impulsive, lots of injuries.

Masking at school and taking it out on me at home through hitting and screaming.

These are the main issues I have currently.

I've got 8yo twins with adhd. I would give him one opportunity to hold my hand, if he refuses i would have taken hold of his wrist/hand, and taken him across the road. One of mine had a meltdown next to a busy road a few weeks ago - i don't like to manhandle them but i got hold of his wrist and made him walk next to me, i didn't let go until he was calm. I explained why i was doing it, and that if he needed my help to calm down, them i was willing to help but i couldn't let go of him next to the road. He was FURIOUS with me but later on i explained again when he was calm and he understood.

I wouldnt throw the stick away but i might have taken it off him while we were crossing the road. He didn't mean to hit the person, he probably wasn't capable of thinking about the chance of him hitting someone with the stick. I don't think a neurotypical 5 year old child could always think that one through to be honest and definitely not a neurodivergent one. It's certainly not a bloody weapon if a child in meltdown accidentally hits someone with a stick.

After school my aim is to get them home asap so they can start to decompress after masking all day at school.

Also don't be ashamed to give your child whatever he needs to help him - if he needs a hug because he's overwhelmed and overstimulated, give it to him even if you think people might judge you. A 5 year old with ADHD cannot regulate himself - he needs your help to explain and cope with these huge emotions that are completely overwhelming. Having adhd can be very frightening at times. It can help as a parent to remember that he isn't being naughty, he isn't choosing to behave this way. He can't help it.

Also the first thing i do when i pick mine up from school is give them a decent snack - i don't wait till i get home - they're usually hangry!

I don't have any actual advice, but a story to maybe make you feel better 😅
Whole family with various combinations of ADHD and autism here, when we were kids my brother had a stick phase, obviously. Once he had a massive stick on a walk and wasn't allowed to take it home in the car. Cue mother of all meltdowns, screaming blue murder in his carseat. DM got so distracted and overstimulated from him screaming that she accidentally reversed the car into a wall and dented the back! So... could be worse?

(said DB is now a pretty well-adjusted adult despite Stick Trauma, so don't panic too much)

SnapdragonToadflax· Yesterday 17:08

We have a pile of sticks (and stones) outside our front door. It's the international symbol for 'a small child lives here'.^

You've just described our place, a pile of sticks at the side of the door, which hasn't grown for a couple of years. We have a low boundary wall, with pebbles and fossils on it.

I think you are doing a great job of parenting. 💐

It gets better around 7. My son is there now. He has ADHD and autistic. He is beginning to understand that he has a problem with dysregulation and is starting to develop cognitive skills to lengthen his fuse. He still struggles and needs one to one support at school, But having lived it, I feel your pain. Sounds weird, but another way to deal, is to show interest in the stick (or whatever), and to say something like hold mummy's hand so we can take the stick home. We have to get the stick across the road. There will be people that judge. Sadly, it's just how some people are and how they validate themselves. They can fook off.

That's a good idea about talking about the stick.

For my children, a stick isn't just a stick - they get instantly attached to things. It's like a random stick is fulfilling a need in them right there and then - might be sensory related to how the stick looks or feels in their hand.

Nothing wrong with the way you handled it but if he was entirely focused on the stick and not willing to hold your hand and not willing to let go of the stick, could you have held on to the stick too to cross the road? It would have let him focus on the stick and it would have let you control his movement. (I'm entirely ignoring the accidently hitting of another person and you may not have felt safe to do it anyway.)

It's hard to know what to do in the moment. Don't assume the other parents were judging, they were probably wondering why he was upset and just glad their own child wasn't tantruming at that point.

Makes me sad to read this, I had moments similar to this with my son when he was young but I didn’t know he’s AuDHD and constantly felt that I was failing at parenting.
Please be kind to yourself and remember that you’re doing the best you can in difficult circumstances.

Meltdowns in autistic kids most often happen after a long, draining day of school. There isn’t much you can do to avoid them happening, because school will pile on the pressure every day. It is like a dam bursting. You can’t tell them off or punish them out of having meltdowns. Usually they need space if they don’t like hugs or a cuddle and affection if they do. Stress toys can help too. I’d take my DC’s favourite stuffed toy to greet them at the school gate and then they would be elated enough for the meltdown to wait until we were at home.

Coming from someone with autism myself I'd recommend making it clear before you set off walking that he has to hold your hand. If he finds a stick tell him he needs to hold it nicely in his free hand and wait till he's home in garden before he waves it around. Tell him if he doesn't the stick will have to be left where t is. So he knows the consequences before it happens.

Sorry to hear that OP. I understand the stress and the embarrassment very well. My son is autistic and when they put something in their mind it won’t go away. I would have done the same thing and probably shouted too, not a moment to be proud of but when we feel the eyes staring at us, it’s very difficult to control. I always encouraged my son to share so probably I would ask him if I could have a go holding the stick, making it into a game. Everything got easier when I started doing mini games with him, it reduce the tantrums a lot! You are doing amazingly, don’t ever doubt yourself 😘

I'd have done the same. Stick uses to hurt person therefore stick was removed. Natural consequence for his behaviour. Sounds like you dealt with it as best you could in the situation X

And if he had let go of the stick and run off? Mum holding the end of a stick and not able to grab child on time? No way. He needs to hold adult’s hand until he can be trusted to walk nicely and importantly safely outdoors.

You are being his parent and doing a wonderful job so don’t beat yourself up.
once he has his assessment and there are measures put in place to help it will become easier to manage to the meltdowns. He hits and lashes out at you as you are the one that he is closet to.
If it was me I would of done exactly the same and taken away the stick even if it was an accident. It might be a good idea that when he is having a meltdown to go down to his level and get him to look at you while you are speaking to him so then you can say to him calmly please hold my hand to cross the road or can we cross the road holding hands. Every time he has a meltdown be firm but give him praise every time he does do as he is told and listens to you.
When he has calmed down just talk about his behaviour and say for example when we cross the road do you think it is dangerous for you to run off, what if a car hits you?
you could also use a reward chart , every time he does pay attention give him a sticker to choose, then when he doesn’t give him the reason as why he isn’t getting rewarded

Please don’t worry about what everyone else thinks and if they are staring, I have had many meltdowns with my son and it does eventually calm down, it just takes time, effort and not to mention the exhaustion and overthinking but you’ve got this ❤️ Some ppl will be considerate and understanding , but then there are others who will think differently pay bo attention

Pay no attention to others🙈 apologies to typo!

My daughter has asd. Her stick was very important to her for stimming. My ex took it from her one day and broke it over his knees. 6 years on and she has never forgiven him. Think on that.

Hmm I don't think you did anything wrong. If you haven't had your child screaming in public you are probably too soft!

On the other hand I would cut him some slack for bad behaviour straight after school. For a young child, even one without autism or whatever, to be under control all day at school, is hard . Plus they may be tired or hungry. Maybe next time pull him away from random people if he is holding a stick - avoid the conflict at that time even though the behaviour isn't ideal. Also agree give a snack to eat on the way home.

This is just a random stick not a special one so you're a bit off piste with that comment..the op is not your ex!

How does anyone get to judge that for a me child that it alis a random stick? Seriously!

Maybe it’s not our role as parents to be punching bags for our children though? It’s not subconscious if it’s learnt that mum will just accept abuse because it’s “safe” for him to do so. If I’m being pushed, I’ll push you back, it’s fine and normal to have boundaries. Your child’s human, so are you. You’ll both make mistakes and mess up, difference is one doesn’t get to choose to perpetuate behaviour they wouldn’t like to be on the receiving end of.