Threw my son's stick away, cue meltdown

[Nana99]

Son has suspected ADHD, and impulse control issues. Starting work with professionals very soon. He found a stick on the way home from school. Started acting up and refused to hold my hand crossing the road (he's 5). I refused to cross without him holding my hand as I know what he's like. Literally just said 'we aren't crossing until you hold my hand'. He got angry and thrashed his arms about accidentally hitting a random person with the stick. I was embarrassed and apologised profusely, took his stick and threw it away, then told him off and took his hand, marching him across the road. Cue huge meltdown. I could've handled it better but I'm exhausted by his behaviour. He's continuing his meltdown at home.

Can ANYONE advise the best way to handle similar situations? I probably escalated things by chucking the stick. It's so hard in the run up to support being put in place. I just feel shit all the time.

ive done exactly the same thing. Then the other child started playing up and their stick went as well. The howling lasted almost an hour but I’ve not have the same hitting each other with sticks since.
we also have a bucket of sticks in the porch.

I think you did the right thing.
My child has renovations explosions too.
However he hit someone with the stick. Whether on purpose or by accident that happened. So yes I think it was right to throw away the stick in that instance.
Even if you had to put up with a consequent meltdown from it

Yes, I disagree with that suggestion- been there, done that. If they see the stick, they try to get it.

I would have done exactly the same, OP. I hope you get the support you need.

It never works. Nor does staying calm. That's why I'm so lost. He just works himself up.

It takes a lot of time and consistency to see results. For my DS throwing the stick away wouldn’t help, I would take it off him and bring it home (at one point we had a “stick of the day” and getting rid of them provoked huge anxiety so I do feel your pain). I’d be setting very clear boundaries around him hitting you though, that’s really unacceptable even as part of a meltdown.

We also had an absolute hand holding rule crossing roads, if he wouldn’t take my hand I’d hold his wrist and would wait until I knew he was safe. It is very hard not to react in the moment because your buttons are being pressed too but he more calm and consistent you can be, the better.

We have a pile of sticks (and stones) outside our front door. It's the international symbol for 'a small child lives here'.

I probably wouldn't have thrown the stick away, simply because I know the meltdown isn't worth it. (Seemingly NT child by the way.) That said, I might have if I were really cross. I tend to use bribery and consequences, so 'you can have your stick back if you cross the road and walk nicely' type thing. But I totally get that it's hard to do that in the moment sometimes, especially when they've hurt someone.

If it had been deliberately used as a weapon it would be gone, no second chances. Accidental - it gets taken away for a long break. Have a chat about it and reiterate the message when you get home, before you go in the door.

I never change my mind. Which sometimes makes things very difficult for me, but I would never give back a stick because my child was hitting me. I would start threatening to take away screen time, which always works. (And I stick to it.)

Sounds like you handled it well. I'd give yourself a break, parenting is hard!

Nothing wrong with what you have done. The only thing I would do differently is to give a warning i.e. "if you don't stop/hold my hand/stop waving your hands around.. whatever.. I will throw the stick away". Just to give him a chance to self-regulate if he is able to. Probably would have led to the same outcome though

Is crossing the road generally a trigger point for him?

when your in the midst of a meltdown it’s always hard to react in the best way especially when it becomes a safety issue. The ideal is to find ways to prevent it becoming an issue (easier said than done I know) the antecedent is often the key bit of information in these situations.

i assume it’s the same route home from school every day? Can you work on set points where he stops and waits for you? If handholding is generally an issue can you look at some sort of wrist strap/backpack you can hold instead?

would he respond to social stories on crossing the road safely?

when ds was the same age I would have probably done the same. Now with hindsight I may have handled it differently but hindsight is a wonderful thing!

I remember sticks😬 DS1 (now 15 and awaiting ASD assessment) and his friend (diagnosed with autism) used to have massive arguments over a stick they both decided was THE perfect stick. Some of the sticks he brought home were more like branches. There was a huge meltdown if it wouldn't fit in the car and we had to abandon it.

Sorry, not much help. Just reminiscing about the scraps and meltdowns over sticks.

Honestly OP, try to put it behind you. I think you handled it just fine.

Coming in hot shuts down the part of their brain that can learn and initiates a panic response. So this would've always been the outcome. It's so hard to contain rage though

Use "when... then..." in really simple, short sentences: "When you hold my hand, then we cross the road.” Repeat until it happens.

I would have done exactly the same and had exactly the same result (daughter suspected ASC)

My eldest Grandson with ASD always had to have a stick whenever we were out.. it was his " thing" at the time.
Surely a stick in one hand and your hand in his other would have be fine.. taking a stick off a child who is probably on the spectrum is like taking his " comfort/ safe thing" away.
No wonder he had a meltdown poor love.

In my experience parenting a ND child is very different to parent h a NT child, and using the same methods of discipline can lead to meltdowns and worse.

DD was diagnosed at 17, been with CAMHS since she was 14, as her ASD was not identified. I went through all of the “stick throwing away” moments, and the horrible situations that followed.

Would I have thrown it away… knowing what I know now, no I wouldn’t. Spotting the situation before it happens is key to a lot of this - I would have done now of “fantastic stick, can’t wait to get it home, you must put it somewhere special” and then just distracted. It’s easy to say, and takes a lot of practice, as it’s easy to get frustrated

What would you have distracted with?

Yep, we had to have an actual rule that is anyone got hit by a stick, it got snapped in half and thrown away.

While you couldn't do it this time, as it was a first, I'd make sure he knows hitting with sticks (you or anyone else) means the loss of the stick.

You did right.

My now adult son has Asd and adhd and sticks were massively important to him for many years. My garden has a stumpery with many of his collection now years old.
If He didn’t deliberately try to hit the person then I would have taken the stick in one hand and his hand/arm/shoulder in my other and got him home as safely as possible. Then once he was more regulated ( dark room, quiet time, indoor pop up tent with weighted blanket- whatever way works for him) I would have explained to him that the stick was staying at front door until his behaviour showed he deserved it. If he understands a behaviour chart I would have sat with him and helped him draw up one to ‘earn’ his stick back.
I wouldn’t have thrown the stick away- that was always going to cause a total meltdown.
Kids with adhd and/or asd do need discipline but they need it tailored to their conditions and understanding levels. They aren’t just ‘being naughty’ they are emotionally disregulated and need supported through it.
ps ignore anyone looking at you- that’s their problem not yours or your sons

This is really tough and I've been there. My son would pick things up and hyper fixate on them and go utterly bananas if I took them or threw them away. At one point I had a garage full of sticks and bits of metal. On this occasion he's hurt somebody so you did the right thing. I learned to leave DS be in meltdown but that's not easy when you're out and about. You have to ignore the stares and just get to a safe quiet space as quickly and safely as you can even if means wrestling them.

My DS was diagnosed with autism and latterly combined type ADHD. Keep doing what you're doing

It's awful being in public when your child is having a meltdown, but sometimes there's nothing you can do. If you let him keep the stick you're not teaching him that it's wrong to hit people so you had to do it really.

DD2 (13) has one 'Stony' that she's been carrying around in a handbag. 'Sticky' and 'Loggy' are now ensconced in with her pet snake.

We are awaiting an autism assessment, but she already has a neuro-diverse diagnosis - her current fixation is wanting to collect taxidermy items. We nearly ended up with a Victorian era cuckoo in a display box... There are worse things than sticks and stones...

OP you absolutely did the right thing. Boundaries are so important. Children will keep pushing until they find the limit - so put them in place a few steps before you lose your shit.

So glad the pile isn't just my house 😂

@Nana99 my 4.5 year old is awaiting an autism assessment and nursery are sure he is ND. This weekend he found a stick in the garden, all good. Except then gets over excited and starts bashing the glass door. I say stop or I'll have to take it away. He carries on so I went to take it, he jerked away and accidentally hit me with the stick so I took it off him. He was getting worked up and trying to grab it so I chucked it away 😬

I felt awful as he was so upset but I just said, calmly, I threw it so no one else would get hurt. Once he was a bit calmer (moody but not melt down upset) I said we could go and find a smaller stick he could dig with. After a bit he was fine.

I think you did fine. I know it was an accident but if they hit with stuff, it gets taken away. If he's not safe crossing a road, he holds hands. Simple, even though it doesn't feel it at the time.

We try our best to adjust and make him comfortable in situations as much as we can, but some things are none negotiable unfortunately.

Oh god, the day "sticky" didn't fit in the car... it was a whopping great bough 🙈
It wasn't a small car either!

It was the post-school meltdowns that made me join the dots and get DS referred and diagnosed.
Some days he'd see me and DS2 on the playground and just errupt. The game changer was the day he had a 4 hour meltdown because I asked if he changed his reading book.

In the end I kept an emergency small mixer can of coke in his bag. He tended not to drink in school and the combination of fluid and sugar often did pep him up and reduce the physical stress.
Don't overload with talk. There's a lot in their heads and let them release it when they are ready.
DS benefited from holding back on the playground and not walking in the noisy, crowded surge of people leaving school.

I'd avoid discarding the stick. Taking control of it and looking after it safely is the better option.

We will... when... is useful wording. "We will cross the road when you are holding my hand. It sets a plan and a positive expectation.

I do not miss the post-primary meltdowns. Now he's secondary, and he skulks quietly up the road and I can tell if it's a head up day or a head down day which means turning the radio off and driving silently until he's ready to speak.

I suspect he was fizzing and ready to explode sooner or later, regardless, hence the refusal to hold hands and dangerous behaviours with the stick.

With DS1 (ASD and ADHD with a big emphasis on the H at that age) I would have warned him of the consequences of not walking nicely/ playing nicely with the stick and absolutely would have taken it off him if his behaviour was dangerous. What I soon realised, at that age, was that he was pretty hangry on the way home so I took a little pack of oaties or an Organix cereal bar (were talking 15 year ago so no idea if they still exist) to share on the way home - somethjng a little bit sweet but with plenty of complex carbs. That was a game changer and increased the likelihood of us all getting home feeling calm.

You handled it perfectly.

Form boundary.

Explanation of boundary.

Explanation of why boundary is in place.

He could have held you hand and kept his stick. He chose not to.

Yes, he has adhd. But that doesn't mean he's allowed to be put at risk.

When he's calm I'd do some work with him at home about road safety and reinforce the rules. Explain to him he could have kept the stick if he held your hand.

It'll take a lot more work because of the impulse control. But sticking at it will improve things eventually.