Threw my son's stick away, cue meltdown

[Nana99]

Son has suspected ADHD, and impulse control issues. Starting work with professionals very soon. He found a stick on the way home from school. Started acting up and refused to hold my hand crossing the road (he's 5). I refused to cross without him holding my hand as I know what he's like. Literally just said 'we aren't crossing until you hold my hand'. He got angry and thrashed his arms about accidentally hitting a random person with the stick. I was embarrassed and apologised profusely, took his stick and threw it away, then told him off and took his hand, marching him across the road. Cue huge meltdown. I could've handled it better but I'm exhausted by his behaviour. He's continuing his meltdown at home.

Can ANYONE advise the best way to handle similar situations? I probably escalated things by chucking the stick. It's so hard in the run up to support being put in place. I just feel shit all the time.

Ds15 has ASD. Our house is full of sticks. As the adult it's you that needs to be managing his SN.. If that means a stick collection then so be it.. He's .He has SN. He needed that stick. Like actually needed it.. Not just wanted it.
Maybe suggest he finds a small stick when in the vicinity of others. Allow big sticks when you feel it's safe to.

I don't think you could've handled it better. Everybody has found an amazing, rare, 'never to be found again' stick at some point in their childhood. And almost everybody has had a meltdown when said stick was chucked or left in the park.

But it had to be the consequence for hitting someone else. It's a good lesson

Definitely don't throw the stick away.

That's such a special stick. Which hand do you want to hold it in while we cross the road? I can hold your other hand then.

Shall I keep your stick safe for you until we get home?

Let's hold hands because we don't want your stick to get run over.

Let's remember that sticks can be sharp and they can break. We need to have gentle hands with sticks.

If all else fails, I would indeed have taken the stick away and marched across with him bellowing and wriggling under one arm. "It feels like you are acting like a very little boy today so I will have to treat you like one. When you are feeling ready to be bigger, you will be ready to have your stick back."

He hits you because you are the safe person he can express his frustration at. It feels so personal, I know I've been there.

I think it would be good not to focus on the specific incident, but to what went before. How was his day at school, does he get any adjustments in his day?

He will be coming out of school completely overwhelmed and overstumulated. Can you take a snack and a drink for him? Is there any way you can pick him up 5 mins earlier so is not involved in the crush with all the other children leaving too? This was a flash point for both my kids. Is there a park nearby you can go and let him release all that pent up energy. The best thing I ever did was to truly take on board that behaviour is communication and really try to understand the root of the behaviour and address that. This plus reducing demands at home as much as possible is what changed our violent chaotic home life. It's not perfect, but it is so very different to how it was 2 years ago.

Also, you are important too, parenting neurodivergent children I hard, it's challenging and can be isolating. Try and do some things for you, and reach out to local adhd/asd parenting groups.
And...when it all feels too much, just go and watch them sleeping, stroke their hair, this really helped me when my son was full of anger and frustration and I felt broken by it, it helped me remember that my funny, smart, loving boy was still there, underneath all the frustration and anger.

May be worth looking up the coke bottle effect - may explain the after school struggles.

I have a child with ADHD and another with a global delay. I spend half my time wondering if I did the right thing and if I could have done it better.
The truth is, parenting your child isn't the same as parenting everyone elses child and what works for NT children can often make our lives harder.
Next time, I would remove the stick and return it further along the journey. That way, he crosses safely and can be rewarded for then safely crossing and walking nicely home. My youngest child responds much better to rewards than punishment. Punishment has no effect on her other than to cause tantrums.

@Summerishere123 what kind of rewards do you use?

This 💐

My son is also SEN and non verbal so I can’t explain things to him.
Iv had a ton of these meltdowns.

I would of said sorry to the person he hit but I would of let him keep the stick so it didn’t escalate further. Grabbed his arm so he couldn’t run off and got him home as quick as possible.

If it makes you feel any better I recently took my son to Paris and on the way back I had to take a pack of sweets off him and put them through the scanner to pass security. Queue the worlds biggest meltdown! Screaming, trying to run back through the body scanner to get to the trays you put the stuff in, kicking out at me, he bit my hand twice. Utterly fucking embarrassing and all over a bag of sweets and it was so busy! He’s nearly 11 too so getting bigger. Longest minute ever until those bloody sweets come through. A random women gave them straight too me but he was too far gone and didn’t calm down for another 15 minutes. I had to literally drag him to the escalator and find a quiet corner until he was ok again.
10 minutes later he’s laughing and giggling like nothing has happened.

There’s honestly not much help for meltdowns and things like that. No professional can stop it or even help I found.

12years ago On impulse I would have done the same. I have a 15year old adhd ds and an 12year old asd ds. He has taught me a lot of patience. I would have took the stick off of him and told him he can have it back once he holds my hand to cross the road. The accidently hitting someone I would explain what he did wrong, took the stick off him and given it back once we were home. My boys get very attached to random things ive learnt through many many many melt downs to not just impulsively snatch and throw.

I think you handled it just fine. I don't think you had any other choice but to get rid of the stick at that point. If you'd just taken it away he probably would have fought you for it.
I think I'd try taking some sticks with me for after school - bread sticks! They cause less trouble if he flails with them, he can munch on them as he walks, you can insist he holds your hand before he gets the next one, and kids are always hungry when they come out of school so might help with his regulation.

I’ve seen a neurotypical child sob and wail all the way home from the park because they wanted to stay. (After a long play in both playgrounds and a cake and drink.) Kids do this kind of thing, it’s awful.

OP, don’t worry much about what other people think, I expect most parents or caregivers have been there. It’s not even necessarily ADHD that’s the cause. It could just be being 5.

This and you do not give way. I hear you I’m a single parent. Mine once kicked off for 6 solid hours but I did not back down - if you give way they will do it more and more and become more successful.

I remember my daughter screaming blue murder about something or other and every time she hit me I took a toy and it got to the point I took them all about 90. And she earned them back over weeks. It is bloody tough. But disengaged, be empathic but be firm. That happened because…. That was the consequence. I can see you are angry but that’s the deal. Now we can do something to help you regulate etc

Out of school. I give mine a snack and drink in the car and noise cancelling headphones or we listen to an audio cd (calming or comedy) and we tread carefully for the first 30 minutes home. Then chores and tea and then calm and bed

So I've been in similar situations with my children (who are autistic but not ADHD so apologies if this doesn't work for you). I have also messed up and deliberatly snapped the stick with similar results. If child firmly attached to an object and won't let go it can work to cross the road by "helping" them to carry it, so in this context you could have held the other end of the stick to cross the road rather than his hand. I would agree on tbe not crossing without some sort of hold as safety is even more important than preve ting meltdowns. Sounds like hitting random stranger was an accident due to flailing, but if flailing started due to escalation of emotions during the conflict then he probably wasn't in control at the time so talking about the danger at a calm time (probably not tonight) to prevent reoccurance would be best for safety and him actually taking the message in.

Can I just say this is an amazing thread and thank you all

My twins (almost 7) can often be like this. Strict rule is that if we hit someone with something, that something is removed. This has prevented a large number of injuries over the years. It doesn't matter how cross they get about it either.

As for judgy looks, I have occasionally pointed out to people that they've had at most a couple of minutes of the noise; we have to deal with it pretty much every day. There doesn't ever seem to be much of an answer to that.

The parents staring are probably feeling bad for you or don’t know if they should help. Don’t worry or think about them. I’d have done the exact same. Hope you get to just sit and breathe tonight x

Firstly don't give yourself a hard time, I do and say things (and shout) all the time and after I think, why the heck did I deal with it like that I should have done xyz but it's hard managing you're own feelings tbh

So your son didn't mean to hit the other person with the stick, I'd have apologised to the person, taken a deep breath and got down to his level, explained what I needed and why I.e. I need to hold your hand so we can both be safe when we cross the road, maybe asked him if he's ok and tried to suss out why he might be resisting holding hands, does he not want to leave the park maybe, in which case you can empathise, sometimes i don't realise I'm walking too fast with my daughter because I'm already thinking about what I need to do when I get home. Then I might try to distract by starting a conversation about something different like what we should do when we get home (queue a suggestion of something he might enjoy doing) or what he fancies for dinner.

Honestly I know some parents struggle with this, but I would have told him I was sorry for throwing his stick away 🤷🏻‍♀️

The other day my daughter had a full blown tantrum because she decided she didn't want to get out the car and I felt so annoyed with her I told her she couldn't have the chocolate lolly I had promised her earlier in the day. She was so so upset about this, it ramped the tantrum up and about half way through I realised how bloody unfair I was being. And I told her so, I said, "I think I've made a mistake because I was angry and I regret it. I shouldn't have said you couldn't have the chocolate lolly just because you were upset about getting out of the car and I'm sorry"

Don't worry about what the other parents are thinking because they should be thinking "I've been there" because we all have!

It's horrible when they get into that sort of state, it feels impossible to get them out of it

The stick hurting anyone, even accidentally, and the stick would be instantly thrown away, no getting that stick back or picking up another that day. They can learn to be more careful next time if they don't want to lose it. If general disobedience where the stick is not directly involved but may be a distraction, then I would take the stick, explaining why, and give it back when they behave appropriately.

I'd have done the same. Anyone looking is probably just thinking thank christ its not mine kicking off for once.

You handled this perfectly. The only thing you did wrong is feel guilty/doubt yourself. His dangerous bad behaviour could have hurt someone and he needs to learn that.
Make sure he can’t hurt himself or anyone else but otherwise ignore his tantrum and get on with your evening.
Well done OP! Nice to see some real parenting and nit this nicey nicey oh doooooon’t do that daaaaarling rubbish.

Similar DS here Op and I would’ve done the exact same. I would probably have also felt shit, but it’s what I would’ve done. It’s hard.

Ha. Yes very much this.

or (having been there) working out if offering to help would make things better or worse in the moment.