AIBU to think my MIL is being unreasonable

[butterflywingss]

Long one...

Me and DH have a 2 bed apartment and whenever his family have come over I have always tried to make it comfortable. Me and DH will usually take the kids and sleep together in our room giving a spare room to his nephew and sister.

However, SIL refuses to share a bed with her DM so then it results to DM sleeping on the sofa. My DH doesn't like anyone sleeping on the sofa as this has caused it to break and an uncomfortable argument took place. My MIL may have also acted a tad dramatic as well. I told my DH to apologise to his mum and to not make people feel awkward in our home which he has a number of times. I have now brought a blow up mattress for when they come. However, his family now doesn't show up as often or his mum will intentionally bring up sleeping arrangements and avoid staying longer than 1 day.

I find it really selfish and borderline rude given we have found a solution to help. My MIL rarely comes as it is to visit our kids and then the one opportunity that comes she intentionally asked her DD to book a ticket so they would only stay 1 night. I haven't mentioned DH because I know that would upset him and I have told SIL that this mention of arrangements needs to stop because it's starting to sound like an excuse. My SIL also as a result talks shit about my DH her DB and it pisses off because actually as a mother you should be making all efforts for your children even if it makes you uncomfortable that's my opinion. I'm sick Of Mil and SIL continuously bringing it up and making it an issue.

OP you have mentioned that your DH made your mum feel awkward about the situation about the broke sofa, If this was me and i had no room for guests I would say there more than welcome to come and visit but due to the lack of space If they wouldn’t mind booking a b&b or hotel? Until you find a home that’s bigger.

as for your SIL.. I don’t really see why your anger is so directed towards her tbh.. so what if MIL helps with babysitting etc? A lot of families help out with childcare.. you do seem to come across as though you don’t like her very much which again.. could cause issues.

personally; explain to them that there isn’t enough room at yours for everyone to sleep because if your being honest there really isn’t. Them not coming over as much will no doubt be because it’s cramped and also because you openly stated your DH made your MIL feel awkward.. which has probably made her feel hesitant in wanting to sleep over.

offer to have them for visits still but state to them they will need to book somewhere to stay over.. done.

How old is your nephew? Could be Not sleep in his mother's room or lounge on the air bed and you MIL have her own room? Not sure how old you MIL is but possibly she needs to get up in the night to use the loo and your SIL complains about being disturbed. TBH it sounds like your SIL is the one causing the problem not MIL.
Another remedy is to buy a bed settee that can be used when you have visitors.

Your idea of "making it comfortable" and actual the sleeping arrangements "being comfortable" are worlds apart.

No one likes staying the night in your apartment.

It's not your husband being rude. It's the fact that more than 4 people, in two paired coupled, are staying in a 2-bed appartment.

Just for the record, I would never, ever share a bed with with either my mother or my MIL. That's just too "ick" and too much personal information in a probably sleepless night.

Blow up mattresses are a nightmare to sleep on. And you probably all have to share one bathroom as well.

Just get over it.

Plan daytime get-togethers. Go do an activity, have a picnic together, and then all travel home to your respective comfortable abodes.

Not sure if any of the family have more room to host guests? If so, you could always bring meal dishes round to theirs and stay the night?

If not, get together less frequently and shell out for B&B's near whoever is hosting. (Just for the record, I bet you would absolutely hate to stay in a B&B with your two children ....)

It sounds to me as if you are offended or hurt because your extended family have coped with poor cramped conditions in the past, but no longer want to do so. I don’t think you have said how old your MIL is, but believe me as you get older, situations which were uncomfortable and fun in the past, are no longer so tolerable. We all used to crash anywhere in our 20s and 30s but we are not so keen in our 50s 60s and 70s. I doubt if your MIL is very comfortable on a blow up mattress, there could be all sorts of minor issues like feeling stiff achy and tired in the morning, needing the loo in the night etc etc, so I think under the circumstances you describe, your MIL is doing her best to compromise between your demands and her needs. All credit to her I say!

Air beds are unbelievably uncomfortable, I don't see what is wrong with them not wanting to stay, I wouldn't either. Far too uncomfortable and too cramped for so many people to stay.

You sound like you just resent your MIL, SIL and nephew. Maybe that's why they don't want to stay with you.

You basically don't have space for guests, so it makes sense that they don't want to stay

It's not about her mum helping her because my mum does the same for me but the difference is she takes the piss a lot. We never used to get on but we do now but I am not the only one who has criticism for her. Her own DS doesn't even like to spend time with her, more than 100+ occasions she puts her own needs first and doesn't care how it can affect any of us.

The problem is, they won't book a hotel because they won't want to splash the extra cash to stay comfortable. Personally I am not going to book them something either because it's absolutely not in my interest to splash my own money every single time they come when they won't do the same for themselves.

He's 10.. the thing is I am not restricting them to one spot. Every time they have come I have offered every possible comfortable solution to them and always MIL first but she makes her own decision with SIL so it's not my fault if she chooses to put herself in an uncomfortable situation. I had her babysit my child once when I went away and she chose to sleep on the sofa when the bed was available and I told her to use it. Tbh my mum is the exact same when she comes she prefers the sofa because she wants to stay up and watch, only difference is my mum also comes to share the bed with me and moves around freely when she's here.

110% that is the case usually but my DH didn't accuse her of breaking the sofa but he made a generalised comment about anyone sleeping on it but of course she took that it was her. When that comment was made it was just her and the nephew and she had a big bed available at that time but she was choosing not to use it because again wanted to stay and watch TV which she can do but if a bed is available surely go use it. She sleeps with the nephew at her own house as well.

Could you change sofa for a sofa bed?

Sorry OP, I am older and there is no way I would sleep on a sofa or an airbed. The fact that many poor people over the world do it does not mean I have to do it. I would also never share a bed with anyone other than my husband. You live in a 2 bedroomed flat. You do not have the room to host people overnight. One of our children live in a 3 bedroomed flat. We usually do a day trip but occasionally book a nearby hotel.

It hasn't been that long since we got these and it's already damaged. However I have looked at sofa bed options because believe it not people do request to sleep over because they genuinely enjoy themselves here just that space and comfort is of course becoming an issue. I have also searched for those pop up style beds not sure what they are called but if I manage to find a good compact one then that's definitely an option.

It's different for everyone honestly. I am not forcing someone who is older to sleep on the sofa but it's their own interest and request. Also, I rarely call people over to sleep if not ever because it is stressful to host but also I am fully aware of my space. However, they buy tickets and request to come without me asking and on top of that I know they will never pay for a hotel because their mindset is why would I pay for a hotel when I can stay at my son's (son's house with small space). The time I asked them to come and stay I paid for their ticket because it was for my benefit at the time. However, I can't keep stressing this enough to people, some people I.e. my in laws are used to this kind of thing and genuinely don't see it as an issue but to someone else I can see why it would be an issue and that can also come down to how some cultures are. Our parents grew up sharing one room with 7 siblings in and some cultures unfortunately it's always been that way and it doesn't change and that's not my fault. Time is different and people grow but I will also never decline someone coming to my house if they can accept that this is the best I can do in regards to accommodation. We are talking about grown adults here making decisions at their own request. However, I don't appreciate using that as an excuse that deep down is not the real reason. I hope that clears something.

We made a decision that having a fancy sofabed and a children's room which doubled as a guest room was just too much hassle. The bathroom is downstairs and guests didn't like going downstairs in the night or to wash. So we introduced them to the local Premier Inn and Travelodges. We do not have room for overnight guests. And as my nephews have got bigger, we made a decision that having four adult sized people visit wasn't a great idea either so we tend to meet up nearby instead.

I won't really get into the AIBU thing, personally we have 2 bedrooms and when my family visit we book a Airbnb if it's more than 1 person because it's too much of a pain otherwise. They don't come very often though.

But I just wanted to say that if you have space to store it a foldable bed frame with a real but light mattress is much better than a sofa or inflatable mattress. Something like this: https://www.dunelm.com/product/madrid-natural-wooden-trundle-1000113617

We found it really good value for money and very quick to put up. Bulky to store though, but with the leg folded it could maybe fit under a kid's bed.

First of all given the lengths you're having to go to for them to stay, they really should find a hotel or come at separate times. Staying one night is also a sensible solution.

Secondly I'd suggest you stop trying to manage this and step back. It's not your mum and youre not responsible for her hardly visiting or for DHs attitude. I was the same but it doesn't help in the long run, now I leave them to it. You'll be surprised how they work things out for themselves and you'll feel less frustrated.

Oh that's quite handy, thank you for sharing!

You may just be right! Forget the sleeping arrangement but they leave my house in an absolute tip (not the MIL, she does try to help) I am talking about creating puddles in my bathroom after showers & not cleaning it, finished snack packs under the beds, even left dirty clothes for me to wash and keep. Honestly people here think I am the villain, I have tolerated far too much that I am sure half wouldn't even manage to cope with in half a day. I have another baby on the way but knowing them they not get a hotel and will still come and then suggest putting up another blow up mattress. I have decided to not push anything anymore and will let DH make a sensible decision since it's his family.

They leave rubbish in the room and clothes for you to wash!?

Wow, don't complain to dh, just leave it for him to see and say nothing.

Now you've said this I'm sure they shouldn't be staying. Dh can legitimately say there's no space or if he wants he can set up for them and tidy after them.

Nobody has suggested you’re the villain OP. The majority of posters are wondering what this thread about - Your in laws insist on staying with you but are unhappy with the sleeping arrangements you provide. You would prefer not to go stay with them because you have children. Many posters have suggested a nearby hotel/ b&b. For some reason that won’t work either. You have stated there is another reason but your in laws are making it all about your sleeping arrangements.

Your dh doesn’t get on with his dm because of his upbringing. You love his mother - then you slag her off.

Honestly most people get by without having to entertain others overnight. I’ve never had anyone to stay at mine - because I don’t have the room. Iv you don’t have the space to entertain guests then you don’t have the room. No amount of ifs, buts and excuses is going to change that.
You are making a mountain out of a molehill.

Now I want to know what the MIL does when she is getting up to no good on her own 😁

Your post is incredibly selfish and borderline offensive actually. My children are very stable and if you would have taken the time to read properly you would have seen that on a normal day when there are no guests my kids like to come and sleep is with us. Maybe you were born with a silver spoon in your mouth and you're too arrogant to accept some cultures are happy the way they are. We don't have any children with Autism in our family and no introverts and the only people that do sleep over are family and it's not often at all, the way you are trying to imply. Unfortunately for your judgement, my kids are actually very happy and ask for their cousins to come and sleep over ALL the time. My post really touches a small part of reality and 1000000% you have it completely wrong. We are decent people with a very fortunate good life, who do everything for their kids and a very close family unit, so take your comment and judgement and go educate yourself on other cultures. 🙄