AIBU to think my MIL is being unreasonable

[butterflywingss]

Long one...

Me and DH have a 2 bed apartment and whenever his family have come over I have always tried to make it comfortable. Me and DH will usually take the kids and sleep together in our room giving a spare room to his nephew and sister.

However, SIL refuses to share a bed with her DM so then it results to DM sleeping on the sofa. My DH doesn't like anyone sleeping on the sofa as this has caused it to break and an uncomfortable argument took place. My MIL may have also acted a tad dramatic as well. I told my DH to apologise to his mum and to not make people feel awkward in our home which he has a number of times. I have now brought a blow up mattress for when they come. However, his family now doesn't show up as often or his mum will intentionally bring up sleeping arrangements and avoid staying longer than 1 day.

I find it really selfish and borderline rude given we have found a solution to help. My MIL rarely comes as it is to visit our kids and then the one opportunity that comes she intentionally asked her DD to book a ticket so they would only stay 1 night. I haven't mentioned DH because I know that would upset him and I have told SIL that this mention of arrangements needs to stop because it's starting to sound like an excuse. My SIL also as a result talks shit about my DH her DB and it pisses off because actually as a mother you should be making all efforts for your children even if it makes you uncomfortable that's my opinion. I'm sick Of Mil and SIL continuously bringing it up and making it an issue.

I have so many questions as well ...

People can share opinions without being rude about it. There are more kind and gentle ways to talk to people even if it's behind a username on a forum. My frustration comes from the same thing being used as an excuse but no changes following so for me I question why on earth do you keep requesting to come if you have complaints about my house or my DH. I personally wouldn't go somewhere I felt uneasy but that's me. I do think a good portion of people from Mumsnet probably come from a similar background hence not trying to understand that there are people like myself and my DH who have families that even before us find it ok to have people over even if space ain't the biggest and this kind of stuff is pretty normal and we do not actually see an issue with it hence my annoyance at my DH family.

Fair enough

Total madness CattyCow

Erm I'd disagree, definitely a few mentions of posters trying to insult me and my hospitality. Would love to see their version of the hosting room or no room.

It's hard for anyone to emphasise when you only see the issue from one perspective.

I am simply defending what I know as the truth that posters don't fully know as I do, which I don't partly blame some for.

Culture is definitely one factor, that's what differentiates people's opinions on things.

How frustrating for you ? Imagine how much more frustrating it is for me...

So you have a 3rd child on the way in a 2 bed place? I’d definitely be telling in-laws they can stay elsewhere. How will you manage the logistics of a 3rd child and people staying? As the dc get older, no way will they want to move into your room.

There are people in the world with very poor infrastructure and extreme struggles and hunger. In the kindest way I am sure I can hold off complaining about having a very wanted 3rd child in a 2 bed with great living conditions. We haven't actually shared news yet given previous history so I actually have no idea how it will work out but assume they may stop coming all together or sensible thing for them to get a hotel. I can't comment unfortunately. If I had to think again, my DH does have his old bachelor pad so it's possible they will push for the nephew to move there for better work opportunities and probably with there to be cramped again. I really don't know 🤷🏻‍♀️

To add further, the whole me and kids and DH sharing a room doesn't really phase us as we do this on a regular basis without guests. I quite enjoy having them close by and when they grow up then I guess we will work with what we have. God willing by then we have a bigger place.

Perhaps they are trying to use the excuse that there isn’t enough space because the real reason is that your DH makes them feel so unwelcome, but they don’t want to cause a big argument?

You’re obviously doing the best to accommodate them with the options you have available to you OP so I don’t think you deserve some of the shitty comments you’ve been getting.
What do you think the real reason is that they feel uncomfortable visiting?

My DH and his family have their own unique family dynamic and relationship with each other that for others may be unusual, so I would have to disagree. However, some of the things they may joke or say to each other I wouldn't say with my family but again come back to unique family banter and relationships.

I think you mistake what I wrote for criticism. It was not. It was a valid question about the logistics of the situation. It will certainly be less of an issue if the in-laws stay elsewhere.

Interesting drip feed re your DH's 'bachelor pad'. Is it tenanted?

Apologies for the paro bit long...
We suspect the truth is MIL may feel that her sense of freedom gets taken away by her DD quite often and has practically raised nephew. This has also meant she's neglected quite a bit of time away from her other grandkids i.e. our kids as well as her own DS. She has even admitted to me that the nephew needs more attention because he doesn't have a massive family unit like my kids do and for that reason she feels the need to play mum and give him more attention. I think that's unreasonable and ridiculous because kids don't think that deep and my kids will grow up remembering my grandma wasn't really around and I have noted a strong level of favouritism to the nephew with absolutely everything! Therefore her coming to London with her DD and her son she feels oh I will be tied down to now giving us 'attention'. However, every time she comes she mostly will go out and do her own thing. My DHs childhood was basically non existent as he had to play parent and he's always felt neglected so from my perspective for kind of that reason alone sometimes I think, MIL is not in a position to complain too much and actually fails to see how it makes the people around her feel mainly her DS. He has said a number of times now if she doesn't want to visit she doesn't have it and won't force her to come and that's fair. Not too long ago SIL brought tickets for herself, DS and MIL to come to London to attend a family event but because MIL had rivalry at the party she kept threatening to not go and then using the excuse of sleeping arrangement when the real reason was to do with the people she didn't want to see and nothing to do with us. It's not the first time, hence why I said it's never the real reason. It's unfortunate over one uncomfortable row it has become an excuse to cover other reasons when prior and not that long ago it was NEVER an issue.

Currently yes but it has annoyed me in the past when SIL makes comments that she doesn't care who is renting and will ask my DH to kick them out when nephew is at an appropriate age to live alone. It's the constant planning of the future at our expense. It's weird.

" I told my DH to apologise to his mum and to not make people feel awkward in our home which he has a number of times."

Can you expand on this?

Also you said staying in a hotel isn't done in your culture, so how did you respond when they initially suggested it? Did they know you were upset?

I feel for your dp about his childhood. I never had one and was placed into care and then adopted. Lots of abuse from every adult in my life.

One thing I've learned though is just to meet people where they are at.

I still see my birth mom and adopted mom and it's hard but it's easier when I just accept what they are able to offer. I have boundaries and no longer give my birth mom money for drugs, but when she wants to chat I'm happy to lend an ear. I have no expectations from either of them and honestly it makes it easier for me to enjoy time with them as best I can.

I do think maybe you need to consider being a bit creative with your options to see your MIL. When I first got together with my partner, MIL (who grew up in a very poor country) she was fine with hosting lots of people, sharing beds with her adult daughters if needed, staying in our living room on a camp bed etc. We would offer her better beds but she'd insist, and genuinely I think she was ok with it.

As time has gone on she still wants to do much of the same but we've realised her tolerance for being around other people, and being away from home, is much lower. We can't suggest things for her benefit - she'd refuse. Probably because to her, it's a reminder that she's old! So we do things like book big airbnbs not too far from where she lives with the excuse we got a great deal and it's somewhere we wanted to visit. We'll make excuses about the daughter with the loudest/most unruly kids only being able to do a short visit because it's term time. We'll book her a hotel spa package near us because it's a groupon deal and tie in a visit with that.

If we just say we're going to her, she will insist on hosting but we can see its too much for her. If we just invited her to ours she'd insist on staying in the lounge - but we know she doesn't sleep well now, she's a very early riser and it'll affect her back/mobility. So we look for ways we can meet while still being kind.

Prior to the 'sleeping arrangements' MIL was definitely going through some crisis probably related to her divorce at the time. However, a lot of that anger and behaviour she pushed onto us and whenever she would come to our house usually with the nephew she would actually be really dramatic and have a lot of attitude. This caused my DH to feel like she acts rude like this at our house but would then use her time (rarely comes) in London sleeping at her niece's house with a good attitude but come to our house with a lot of hostility because she doesn't want to feel tied down. However, I have never made her feel like she needs to take care of my kids because I am a good mother. However, for a long time they would leave the nephew to become my responsibility here and at their house. This caused many arguments between me and DH also because I couldn't directly express it to them but again so much also comes a result of my SIL being selfish and using her mum as a second parent and me as her DS sitter.

I can really resonate with this! However, my MIL is still quite young at heart and refuses to feel or let anyone make her feel like she's not strong enough or getting older.

It wouldn't make sense or be that realistic for us to book air bnbs because being frank it costs money to do that every time and given she rarely comes along, I think her DD should consider this since these issues are always being echoed through my SIL.

My DH is a great son despite his growing up, for example when she was going through some crisis period and had a really poor attitude, we decided to take her on holiday with us and all the sudden she was better. Then she went through a phase of going on about buying her house (real reason her family were doing the same and she's a prideful woman) and my DH ended up paying for her mortgage deposit without consulting me (cause huge argument but he always finds a way to get defensives and avoid convo). I don't know where this personality trait has come from but it's almost this attention seeking behaviour all the time to threatened us about not coming so that we can beg her to come. I am not if it's age and loneliness but as I also have to consider feelings of my DH and unfortunately I see anything they say as nothing but excuses now.

On one end my SIL will tell me her DM is telling her to book for one night and then on another end my MIL will tell my DH how was planning to suprise him and misses going there etc.

What arrangements do they make when you visit them ?
Perhaps when they complain that it is uncomfortable at yours you should immediately offer to come and visit them? As you have more money you can go stay with them or in a local hotel. That way your DH sees his mum and family- saving them the cost of travel and an uncomfortable nights sleep?
Seems you hosting them, although culturally it is what you want, it isnt meeting others needs to get together.
I think you must accept this.

Next time they question sleeping arrangements tell them to book a room at a local B&B. Simple!

I wouldn't want them staying over, sounds easier for everyone if they book accommodation

If your DH was rude to his mum and accused her of breaking the sofa (which is v odd as sofas usually very strong) it's not really surprising that people don't want to stay. To stay in a small space with lots of people everyone needs to be goodnatured cheerfull and accepting.

OP, people get this. They do.

The problem is, it's really not good hosting to expect people to be cramped and uncomfortable and just put up with it because they're getting to see you.

Your stance seems to be that they should just accept the discomfort and that seems pretty extreme.

I would never expect anyone, friend or family, to be uncomfortable in my home and would completely understand if they didn't want to stay.

It's not a personal afront to your DH if they don't want to stay over for more than one night, or if they decided they didn't want to stay at all.

I understand what you're saying but they choose to come so if they choose to be uncomfortable rather than go to a hotel then there's not much I can do really.

If it's in everyone's budget, could you maybe rent a bigger holiday place for your get togethers? That way you get the best of both worlds.