AIBU to think my MIL is being unreasonable

[butterflywingss]

Long one...

Me and DH have a 2 bed apartment and whenever his family have come over I have always tried to make it comfortable. Me and DH will usually take the kids and sleep together in our room giving a spare room to his nephew and sister.

However, SIL refuses to share a bed with her DM so then it results to DM sleeping on the sofa. My DH doesn't like anyone sleeping on the sofa as this has caused it to break and an uncomfortable argument took place. My MIL may have also acted a tad dramatic as well. I told my DH to apologise to his mum and to not make people feel awkward in our home which he has a number of times. I have now brought a blow up mattress for when they come. However, his family now doesn't show up as often or his mum will intentionally bring up sleeping arrangements and avoid staying longer than 1 day.

I find it really selfish and borderline rude given we have found a solution to help. My MIL rarely comes as it is to visit our kids and then the one opportunity that comes she intentionally asked her DD to book a ticket so they would only stay 1 night. I haven't mentioned DH because I know that would upset him and I have told SIL that this mention of arrangements needs to stop because it's starting to sound like an excuse. My SIL also as a result talks shit about my DH her DB and it pisses off because actually as a mother you should be making all efforts for your children even if it makes you uncomfortable that's my opinion. I'm sick Of Mil and SIL continuously bringing it up and making it an issue.

Which culture is it which insists on (presumably fairly elderly) people sleeping in cramped conditions which they don't want to do?

How far away does she live? Does she work?

You seem determined to think this is MIL's fault, and latterly it's SIL's fault. Maybe nobody is at fault, its simply a case of each of you making the best of a situation that isn't ideal.

I can’t see the dilemma here. Your in laws are not happy with the sleeping arrangements you provide. They have 3 choices -

• Don’t come
• Save for a nearby hotel room for the night
• Invite you to theirs instead

Your MIL doesn’t want to sleep on the sofa or a blow up mattress and I don’t blame her. If she wants to visit she’ll have to make her own arrangements, according to her needs and wishes. The same goes for her daughter.

Maybe I’m missing something: why couldn’t you MIL get the bed, and SIL can take the blow up mattress? Surely the older visitor should be offered the best bed, and the younger ones can lump it.

I am not sure where anyone is getting that my MIL was made to use a pop up. I just meant those are the options in the house. The older was offered and is always offered the best bed and I agree younger people can lump it up. However, I am not sure what happens during the night and I assume her daughter makes her change but 100% she always gets offered the best but it's not my fault if she chooses otherwise.

But the fact is you don't have the room for guests. End of story

I guess but unfortunately I don't see it going that way.

She actually prefers and has said she would rather stay on the sofa and it is available to her to use despite any row that had happened which wasn't necessarily directed at her but in a general term but I can see why she would take it personal.

We do go to hers as well but I can't always fill the gap because with young kids it's not the easiest.

Guests that request to come knowing the layout is not anyone but themselves. End of story.

I think your MIL needs to visit by herself, so that your SIL can't cause any rows about where she sleeps. Would your MIL stand up to her?

End of story says the OP. I guess that’s us told.

"However, SIL refuses to share a bed with her DM so then it results to DM sleeping on the sofa."

And it's your MiL that being unreasonable? Presumably your SiL is an adult or near enough. And she insists that she has the bed and her mom sleeps on the sofa?

Yes I agree it would be best but rare for that happen as MIL looks after her son and then uses holidays as an excuse to sometimes be alone to get up to no good

It's not really anyone's fault. I wouldn't share a bed with any of my family (or anyone except dh and only then if I have to) ever so sil isn't being unreasonable. But if that was all that's on offer then I'd book a hotel.

Just tell them that's what is on offer but you are perfectly happy for them to make their own arrangements elsewhere.

I don't appreciate people with a rude tone. It's a forum to chat not debate on important world issues.

I told my DH to apologise to his mum and to not make people feel awkward in our home which he has a number of times.

^ That's your biggest problem right there. It's not your guests/family causing it, it's your husband being unwelcoming. No wonder they don't want to stop anymore.

OP I think the general opinion is clearly telling you there isn't enough space at your home to have this no of guests.

It's not relevant whether:
-this was an issue in the past or not
-you invite them over or they suggest to visit
-your MIL visits on her own or not
-it would be nicer to have a bigger home

What would be so bad about happily accepting there may be fewer (or shorter) interactions due to the actual living circumstances. This might change in the future, or not.

Btw I also agree nobody IBU here, only you are coming across a little stubborn.

I see it as a mere unfortunate turn of events. Hope you can find peace 💐

Yeah I have decided that the next time they bring this up it's the best thing to say. I won't force anyone to come and certainly don't want people in my space that don't want to be there

I know there isn't enough space and the other points are 100% relevant because of the much bigger picture it actually forms. It's not me being stubborn about people being uncomfortable. The whole point of my point was because believe it or not, ITS NOT about the bloody arrangement but MIL won't be honest about the real reason and it's not related to me or my DH. We all know what it really is and it's not just my sleeping arrangement she uses as an excuse it's coming to London in general. I don't lose sleep over anyone coming or not because if anything it's more stress for me when people do come but some things go further than just what you see or hear.

You day your dh makes people feel uncomfortable in your home.

Seems like that's the big issue.

So your SIL refuses to share with her own Mum. That's their problem amongst themselves then surely? I would say the most elderly person gets the most comfortable bed. So Sil or kid gets the airbed? But quite honestly it's their problem, not yours. Unless they want to buy you a brand new sofa bed to use when they visit?

Sounds like SIL rules the roost tbh.

I don't know what you want from this thread. All suggestions have been refused. Were you looking for solutions or just to vent?

One big difference - you are young. Someone’s ‘comfort’ is paramount if they’re going to be crippled for a week after sleeping on a blow up mattress or squashing into a child’s bed, or on a sofa. You’ll be old one day, and you might change your mind!

It might not be a cultural thing and instead just a people thing.

I wouldnt stay at anyones house - ever. I like my own space, sleeping in a proper bed, going to toilet when I need to and not having to wait ages as others are in it etc.

As such if I do go away to see friends or family, I will always stay in a hotel (premier inn, nothing fancy). I cant even cope going away with friends and sharing a room.

Im only 40 but its always made me feel uncomfortable. Obviously when I was younger I did all of this with friends but as Ive got older I found it more uncomfortable and wouldnt do it now and I dont thin thats unusual or strange.

I think you're being really rude if you push this with her. She doesn't want to stay more than 1 night. My inlaws are like you so insistent we stay 2-3 nights we can only stand 1. It's uncomfortable. We don't feel welcome. We hate it and can't wait to leave

What suggestions have I refused ?

• If they don't want to come, then don't.
• stay in a hotel - I am not stopping them from paying for one but they choose not to.
• Have the eldest sleep comfortable - Has always been the given case with what I have available already but again I can't hold her down in a bed if she herself chooses to swap with her DD and make herself 'uncomfortable'.
• Have us travel to her - Yes, we do travel there also but again this is not about us going there.
• Do I know my house is small and can't accommodate so many people - Yes, but again I have only ever called them over myself once , the rest has been of their own doing.

I wasn't looking for a solution from anyone because I have already crossed all avenues myself beforehand so yes could be a vent in that case.