AIBU to think my MIL is being unreasonable

[butterflywingss]

Long one...

Me and DH have a 2 bed apartment and whenever his family have come over I have always tried to make it comfortable. Me and DH will usually take the kids and sleep together in our room giving a spare room to his nephew and sister.

However, SIL refuses to share a bed with her DM so then it results to DM sleeping on the sofa. My DH doesn't like anyone sleeping on the sofa as this has caused it to break and an uncomfortable argument took place. My MIL may have also acted a tad dramatic as well. I told my DH to apologise to his mum and to not make people feel awkward in our home which he has a number of times. I have now brought a blow up mattress for when they come. However, his family now doesn't show up as often or his mum will intentionally bring up sleeping arrangements and avoid staying longer than 1 day.

I find it really selfish and borderline rude given we have found a solution to help. My MIL rarely comes as it is to visit our kids and then the one opportunity that comes she intentionally asked her DD to book a ticket so they would only stay 1 night. I haven't mentioned DH because I know that would upset him and I have told SIL that this mention of arrangements needs to stop because it's starting to sound like an excuse. My SIL also as a result talks shit about my DH her DB and it pisses off because actually as a mother you should be making all efforts for your children even if it makes you uncomfortable that's my opinion. I'm sick Of Mil and SIL continuously bringing it up and making it an issue.

I haven't insisted on anything to her because it's not her I have spoken with directly, it's her DD who mentioned she would rather they stay 1 night. We're not hostile with each other and we all actually do get on. I don't hate my MIL and we're actually pretty close but I do have a right to feel annoyed that using my space as an excuse to cover up the real issue. This is not uncommon in mine or my DH families we are not the first and neither the last. However, if they chose to come and complain but also don't want to pay for a hotel, then what am I supposed to do to kick them out ?

I really don’t know why you’re refusing to accept they stay for one night. It’s cramped and uncomfortable, the poor woman had to sleep on the sofa then her own son told her not to in case she broke it. Shitty hosting.

it doesn’t matter if you like or are ok with cramped conditions; they aren’t. So accept it.

I think it's both a culture and people thing. Growing up there were times if someone was to stay over, we would all shift to make sure the other got the room or bed which is what I do as well but I do my best to accommodate in the best way I humanly can with what I have available. What do people want for me to build a room and bed while they are here. My DH is like you don't like to go anywhere or have anyone over tbh and I am the opposite. However, despite one comment he made we are both very welcoming people and ensure our guests are fed and kept well ALL THE TIME. So it doesn't frustrate and offend when I know the effort I try and put and someone turns out to say I am doing the opposite. When I go to MIL to stay I make sure to change her bed sheets and clean her whole room before I leave. I also help with cleaning and making food but they never do the same for me.

Ok Jane

What is the “real issue”? Maybe that’s the more relevant part to this story. Because without the more salient point none of it makes much sense.

No they don't want you to do that they want to stay for one night only (one night only)

I'm also struggling. You think it's rude that your MIL only wants to stay one night because you've now bought a blow up bed, you think she should make more of an effort for her children/grandchildren to stay longer? I can see why you'd be disappointed she won't stay longer but she probably doesn't want to sleep on a blow up bed for more than one night, which isn't unreasonable in my view. This doesn't mean you've not done all within your power to accommodate her, just the circumstances don't allow it.

Yeah there's more to this surely

Thank you to everyone's lovely comments. I think it's pointless continuing as there is 100% more detail to this but for personal reasons I won't share on here so understandably everyone will point me as a shit hostess begging her MIL to spend just one more night and more time with her son and grandchildren.

I think my MIL is clearly going through something because she has said and acted in a number of ways that we have all questioned and then she has apologised after. I actually love and respect my MIL and these are minor issues but the truth is as much as everyone wants to point at the bloody blow up mattress, it's not that.

God willing we will have a bigger house soon so hopefully that pleases most. Anyhoo, some rude toned comments are stressing my pregnant body right now and so it's a Caio from me 😊

@butterflywingss to be honest, they are taking the piss!! the mil can travel alone and sis in law can come another time with her son. i dont know why the nephew cannot sleep in the blow up bed because presumably there are two beds in the room which your children use?

They come, they stay for one night and leave. Not sure what the issue is. It’s cramped. One night is more than enough.

I agree. There used to be one massive bed which the nephew and either MIL or SIL would use and the other would use the sofa. However, our sofa did in fact break on one corner which I'm certain was a main result of SIL son jumping a number of times but I won't put all blame on him as well as a combination of people sleeping on it which again is not just related to MIL. It's a spring sofa so it's not that hard to break. However, I recently redid my kids room and now there is a bunk but it's not small. The only reason I got a blow up was because the kids wanted to share the room with their cousin and everyone agreed this was 1 time. I am not an unwelcoming person and have always tried to make people comfortable with what I have. I have thought about getting a pop up bed that I can maybe put in a corner somewhere. That's the best I can do until I get a bigger house or they just pay for a hotel but that's up to them.

To add, it's more the audacity to choose to come without me inviting and then complain at the same time and then slag my DH. If my DH is wrong I will never sugar coat and he knows that and in fact has done more for his mum than anyone I know so she's not in a position it SIL to slag him off. I will always protect and stand up for what is right.

The whole point of my point was because believe it or not, ITS NOT about the bloody arrangement but MIL won't be honest about the real reason and it's not related to me or my DH. We all know what it really is and it's not just my sleeping arrangement she uses as an excuse it's coming to London in general.
OP, you’ve mentioned the ‘real reason’ a couple of times but haven’t told us what the real reason is. Without knowing that, it’s very hard to comment because it’s clearly about much more than where your MIL sleeps if she stays with you…

Your mil chooses to look after her dd son and also only to visit with her dd and dgc..

It is her choice.... You may nog be happy that shes not wanting to come and also that may look like its you not offering hospitality rather than them refusing it...

But think you're just going to have to let it go....you can't make them change so all you can do is change how you feel about it...

No one has called you a shit hostess.

No one has said you need to make an extra bedroom out of thin air.

We're obviously unable to empathise with you or understand why this is pissing you off, because you've just admitted you haven't shared the whole story.

Which is fine, you don't have to share what you don't want to or what you don't feel is fair to share.

But you've been pretty defensive and argumentative with posters who've tried to get to the bottom of what the problem is. And then implied that we've all been unfair and unreasonable towards you. Not getting the point, picking on your husband for his rudeness and criticising how welcoming you are to guests.

And even bringing cultural differences into the debate.

And all the while you've been withholding key information.

How very frustrating.

Is the real issue that she hates you?

This.

It's absolute madness.

OP, there's no point starting a thread for opinions and then saying there's a real reason behind it that you haven't shared so we're all wrong. It's just a waste of time as you will never get people's opinions based on facts. And if you don't want that why bother making a post? And if you don't want people's opinions because you're pregnant and it's stressing you out, maybe don't bother posting in the first place?

Why does your SiL make her mother sleep on the sofa?

Well it’s on you to say no we don’t have the room.

You've been a million times more accommodating than I would be.

Stick to day visits only and ask DH to send then a link to local hotels.

She wouldn't have a reason to hate me, we have a great relationship actually.

That's great then. I'd just take it as honest face value. She wants to visit for one night. That's all. Not a problem.

If I was the one complaining about them coming yes but it's the other way around.