To ask what happens when Social Services gets involved

[MadameDeLaRue]

There has been a referral because my 7 year old child has been mistreated by their father. The father was coercively controlling to me and has imposed control on my child which may have negatively impacted their physical health.

The ex is devious and will definitely minimise, lie, characterise me as being at fault somehow.

I have been keeping a log of my child's feelings (they say that their father is mean and that they hate him, but can't or won't give details).

How will this work? Will SS be interested in all the details that I can share? I truly think that my ex is a dangerous and controlling person who has created a culture of fear for my child, and I am worried about this getting swept under the rug.

@Theunamedcat the school are VERY supportive. He only does what he can get away with - so her hair is brushed when she goes to school, but not when it's just me.

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness so sorry you have been through a similar situation.

My solicitor is advising me to provide supervised contact for the reasons you mentioned, and I am following all advice.

"If you cancel your child support claim and stop contact is there any chance he'll just walk away?" He is very prideful and invested in the idea that he is a family man, so I am not totally sure. He also wants to have control over our daughter as a coercive controller.

But in the end, almost everything is down to money with him. I have an idea that once this all blows over, maybe I can devise a plan that makes him feel that he's gotten one over on me by not paying (so he can feel he's won) while ensuring my daughter doesn't have to be exposed to him more than necessary.

I realise that the traditional view is that it's always good for kids to have contact with their parents - but she is miserable with him and I think he harms her self esteem. I think occasional special days out or something would be better than his being involved in day-to-day care.

@Jellycatspyjamas thanks for reporting 😊

Honestly social work aren’t going to worry too much about unbrushed hair or him undermining you. They are looking for evidence that she is unsafe ie left unattended for long periods of time, carers under the influence of drugs or alcohol, an unsafe living environment, excessive physical punishment etc and they need to evidence ongoing concern and lack of capacity for change which is why they put parenting classes, family support etc in place. Except in very extreme cases they can’t just take your word that he’s not safe and stop contact, so they will explore and investigate.

@MadameDeLaRue I feel your pain. I thought the family court would protect my children from their abusive father and it's a joke they serve fathers. My ex even said in court he needs more contact to reduce is maintenance. Kiss he kept talking about what is best for the father and I corrected him saying the law is regarding what's best for the child not the father to which the judge replied what's best for the father is what's best for the child. Just disgusting.

My advice is don't be scared of court. Although I lost in terms of my ex got unsupervised contact what we have is a court order. I have spent last few years responding "we will follow the court order" to all his attempts at control and manipulation. It's like a shield really. I'm sure you have heard of grey rock/ do this it works honestly it does. Finally my advice is get someone else to do handovers and keep them in public places.

After a couple years of hell my ex started drifting off to his new victim once he couldn't get an emotional response from me.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your child. It's the wrong advice as you know due to allegations of coaching but I when my kids have begged me not to send them I've told them I'm court ordered to send them because daddy wants to see them and I get in trouble if I don't send them. If they were still coming home with stories like you dd I would find it hard not to say 'people don't believe me and I can't do anything when no one believes me' follows up with some comment on how school has a duty to report. That said my experience of reporting concerns after you have a court order is the police/SS look at the case see there is a court order and don't do anything just advise you to take it back to court. Concerns need to come from those outside the family for anyone to listen

@PurpleBugz thank you.

Ultimately, as you say, a court order would at least mean he can't harass me constantly about contact, which is a significant source of stress (especially when he involves my daughter in the arguments, which he frequent does).

These stories of courts favouring fathers chill me to the bone. As @Jellycatspyjamas says, he is an expert manipulator and can spin literally anything in his favour.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and advice. I think that I have a bit more perspective and knowledge about how it all works now.

Does anyone know offhand: if court proceedings start and we can then reach an agreement, does the court then issue an enforceable order basically rubber stamping our settlement?

Unfortunately manipulators prevail unless challenged my ex did time after time he was the one on bail refusing to engage in services yet time after time it was me who was in the wrong I went to my group like they told me too he turned that around into me socialising with unsafe people however there was a turning point when he was droning on yet again about my refusal to allow him to take "the potty" with him which was why he kept putting ds back in nappies when a replacement staff member from ds nursery said "why haven't you bought your own?" Suddenly someone asked a reasonable question and it opened the floodgates on his abusive butt they questioned why he could buy nappies but not a potty why was it my responsibility to provide everything 🤔 why was he not paying child support why why why and for once he was embarrassed he made us pay for it later of course but that one meeting was fab

BTW he has nothing to do with them now for almost two years it dwindled to nothing he has a new distraction now I hope they marry and stay together may he never look in our direction again