To ask what happens when Social Services gets involved

[MadameDeLaRue]

There has been a referral because my 7 year old child has been mistreated by their father. The father was coercively controlling to me and has imposed control on my child which may have negatively impacted their physical health.

The ex is devious and will definitely minimise, lie, characterise me as being at fault somehow.

I have been keeping a log of my child's feelings (they say that their father is mean and that they hate him, but can't or won't give details).

How will this work? Will SS be interested in all the details that I can share? I truly think that my ex is a dangerous and controlling person who has created a culture of fear for my child, and I am worried about this getting swept under the rug.

I hope that everything went OK today.

The police haven't bothered to show up.

that's appalling - did you call them?

Yes that's not ok to let her hair get matted. It's just the family court do really twist things and paint women as "bad mouthing" the dad. So just be careful.

@DragonFly98 I completely believe this - I don't trust the family court one bit and I appreciate the reminder that I must be white than white

@ThinWomansBrain I have called twice. The last time, the operator sounded obviously annoyed and suggested it's not a big deal since my child is now safe with me.

Social Services are recommending that both my ex and I take parenting and co-parenting classes. This is the extent of their recommendations.

Gobsmacked.

FFS

Evidently my ex claims that I made everything up maliciously as part of a parental alienation campaign

I’m so sorry op what happened with police?

@aodirjjd police investigation is ongoing. I have little hope that this will yield anything. Seems most likely they won't find conclusive evidence and this will be treated by my ex as evidence that it was all fabricated by me

Reporting this is my worst mistake ever. I should have known that my abusive ex would make me pay, and no one would believe us.

He sounds very skilled in being controlling and manipulating others, so of course he’ll use the same skills with professionals. Social workers need to take all the information and decide, on balance of probability, how likely is he to cause significant harm to a child - they need to listen to you, your child and him along with other professionals. As hard as it is, it’s not unusual for one or other parent to try and use allegations of neglect or abuse to reduce child contact with the other parent, so they need to consider the possibility of that happening here.

Social workers don’t get involved purely in contact issues between parents, they look at risk to the child and the threshold to stop contact or even look at supervised contact is pretty high. Your daughter not wanting to go to her dad’s isn’t remotely reason enough for social work to recommend stopping contact, because there are lots of reasons why a child might not want to go.

The only thing you’ve said that, from a child protection point of view, would be concerning is him harming her edited by mnhq, have social work interviewed her about that? How much have they spoken to your daughter directly? I wouldn’t give much weight to you recording her in all honesty, because it’s easy to catch a child when they are upset, and I’ve seen parents coach their children (I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing but professionals need to consider the whole picture).

It’s a difficult place for social work, you obviously have a history with someone who was very abusive to you, who still has contact with your child. Social work can only intervene if they have evidence that your child is at risk of significant harm which is a pretty high threshold. It’s the same threshold they would use to remove her from your care if there were concerns.

Is contact currently court ordered?

@Jellycatspyjamas they interviewed and did a horrible job, something that's backed up by third party evidence. It's clear they believe my ex. My daughter is extremely shy and fearful of speaking to strangers (something I warned them about, which I suppose is further evidence to them of my bad conduct). I assure you that you would have to be a total idiot to attempt to coach her.

There are other issues which I have told SS about as well.

I only reported because I felt I had to. And it was a total and utter mistake to try to protect my child. I'm being put under his control once again, and discredited and humiliated for my stupidity.

No, contact is not court ordered. This is supposedly the reason I coached her - to interfere with my ex's efforts to get more overnights

@Jellycatspyjamas they interviewed and did a horrible job, something that's backed up by third party evidence.

Who else was present during the interview? Getting reasonable evidence from such a young child can be tricky, many 7 year olds are fearful and shy speaking to other adults, especially about things they find hard to talk about. There’s nothing wrong with forewarning social work about that.

Have they said you coached your daughter?

@Jellycatspyjamas essentially what is happening is I am being called a liar and punished with SS interventions. But the worst thing is that no one is protecting my child.

@Jellycatspyjamas i don't know if they are saying that I coached her. They are certainly saying that HE is saying this. The report isn't out.

A school staff member sat in on the interview.

It's clear they believe my ex.

It’s entirely possible they believe you both, but trying to stop contact on the grounds of a child protection concern is very, very difficult. They would need to show serious concern that there’s a risk of significant harm and that the only way to manage that risk is to stop contact altogether. That’s why I ask you at the outset what outcome you wanted - because social work seeking a reduction in contact arrangements is incredibly rare, in the same way that removing a child from their parents is pretty rare.

Crikey OP, I don't have any answers but just wanted to say I'm thinking of you. That sounds like a living nightmare.

But the worst thing is that no one is protecting my child.

What do you think needs to be done to protect her, and by whom?

This. It's horrendous.

You need to inform the police about it. SS will get involved, there will (should) be a safety plan. her ex probably won't be unsupervised time with DD whilst the investigation is pending.

I'm sorry but not surprised. This happens a lot. Things are downplayed and dismissed. In the end OP will be portrayed badly and wonder why she bothered reporting.

@nel@Oblomov24 sorry, due to Mumsnet glitch, can't delete the "nel".

I totally and completely wonder why I reported. My ex will be able to use this against me, as proof that I am malicious and alienating him from our daughter.