To ask what happens when Social Services gets involved

[MadameDeLaRue]

There has been a referral because my 7 year old child has been mistreated by their father. The father was coercively controlling to me and has imposed control on my child which may have negatively impacted their physical health.

The ex is devious and will definitely minimise, lie, characterise me as being at fault somehow.

I have been keeping a log of my child's feelings (they say that their father is mean and that they hate him, but can't or won't give details).

How will this work? Will SS be interested in all the details that I can share? I truly think that my ex is a dangerous and controlling person who has created a culture of fear for my child, and I am worried about this getting swept under the rug.

@onanotherday thank you. I am terrified.

If you are scared of ex make sure to tell the police. 💐

@onanotherday thank you. I will tell them. I am actually terrified of him, in addition to being frightened of this whole process.

I am going to tell the school about this asap as well, in case he tries to pick up DD tomorrow. (He has been angling to do so)

Washing a child's hair weekly is normal so I would steer clear of saying things that look like excuses. Stick to things that are actually neglectful.
Thats not to criticise you , the family courts can say that you are complaining unnecessarily and use it against you.

@DragonFly98

I agree that it's ok not to wash hair more than once a week, but he also didn't brush or comb her hair. She wore the same plait that I put in her hair for the whole week with him, and her hair was all ratty and tangled when she came home.

Poor child. You're absolutely doing the right thing. You may inadvertently help his girlfriend's children in the process too.

Stay strong and advocate for your daughter as much as you can. I hope you both find peace very soon.

Hope she is OK - were the police helpful?

You must feel really scared, anybody would. As others have said, you need to notify the police straight away. Also try not to ask your daughter too much about it otherwise you could be seen as leading her, just tell the police exactly what she’s said to you.

You’re doing all the right things, and you just need to keep showing that you are putting your DD’s wellbeing first.

@ThinWomansBrain the police are attending our home tomorrow to discuss. The operator obviously was taking it very seriously. She said they are supposed to come out within an hour for this type of thing but couldn't due to understaffing. She suggested having the police come when my daughter would be well rested and comfortable.

Thanks. I am trying not to question her too much about it. I took a video of her telling me about it the second time (we were very busy earlier in the day so didn't discuss much) and I think it's obvious that I am not coaching her.

She is really frightened of him and I think she is becoming desperate for me to intervene to protect her. Tonight she kept saying to me, "you're my only hope," which is an extremely bizarre phrase I assume she got from cartoons or something???

Makes sense - she's safe & not in any danger now she's home with you, & must be way past her bedtime.
I hope it goes well tomorrow.

Encourage her that the people coming to see her are there to help her and she can tell them what has happened. Lots of children get scared and don’t tell the police/ social worker. You’re doing the right thing.

Well done, op, you’re handling this brilliantly. One step at a time.

When SS visit for the first time they often send 2 social workers, they may ask your dd if she will shoew one of them her bedroom, this is when they talk to her alone so they can get the full story without you prompting. Expect the first visit to last 60-90 minutes. They should tell you what sort of plan they are putting you on. Try to just state the facts, don't give opinions on her dad, tell them how frightened she is of him & show them the pictures of any injuries & play the recordings you have, try to not get emotional. Don't be surprised if they question you about alcohol & drugs, it is all part of the assessment. Hopefully, they will say that dd doesn't go to her dad's for the assessment period at least. Do you have a child arrangement order? If not, expect dad to either threaten you with court or even start the court process, don't pin your hopes on Caffcass agreeing with whatever SS decide, they sometimes totally ignore any findings. If you are a victim of DV, you shouldn't have to do mediation & you may get legal aid. Good luck, I hope everything works out for you & you dd, you have done the right thing.

@Nat6999 thanks! This was exactly the kind of info I was looking for.

They didn't say what kind of plan (if any) they were planning to impose. Does this mean they didn't think that the dad's conduct was serious?

Separately, any sort of rundown of what to expect this afternoon is welcome. I have never been involved in a police report or investigation before.

That phrase is a famous line from Star Wars.

@Notamum12345577 that's so weird. I have no knowledge of her having watched Star Wars.

so despite everything

you still sent her off with her father for the night?

how long have you been apart from your ex and your dd seeing her dad?

how regularly does he usually see her?

@loverofalmonds no one whom I asked - social worker, solicitor, school - said I should withhold contact.

Her father will definitely come at me with everything that he has, and will paint me as a lying, conniving, evil bitch.

I won't be sending her back now without a court order.

I left 5 years ago. She sees him once during the week and EOW

and the recent events have always been the case? or sudden change?

and i am baffled that you went to the school as you were so concerned who then made an SS referral

and then you waved her off over the weekend with him

so they don’t seem particularly concerned

which is odd

@loverofalmonds obviously it's recent. He's always been an evil bastard and I have been on high alert for signs he is harming my child, but there was no concrete evidence until very recently.

I also find it odd.

We are all well off and very middle class. I assume that this makes everyone take everything less seriously.

I also speak in a very measured way and I am very evidence based. I don't get emotional. I do not know if that works for or against me.