To ask what happens when Social Services gets involved

[MadameDeLaRue]

There has been a referral because my 7 year old child has been mistreated by their father. The father was coercively controlling to me and has imposed control on my child which may have negatively impacted their physical health.

The ex is devious and will definitely minimise, lie, characterise me as being at fault somehow.

I have been keeping a log of my child's feelings (they say that their father is mean and that they hate him, but can't or won't give details).

How will this work? Will SS be interested in all the details that I can share? I truly think that my ex is a dangerous and controlling person who has created a culture of fear for my child, and I am worried about this getting swept under the rug.

@Greyheronsarethebest I did. They don't believe me or my daughter and my ex is using my supposedly false reporting as part of a smear campaign against me.

You need to inform the police about it. SS will get involved, there will (should) be a safety plan. her ex probably won't be unsupervised time with DD whilst the investigation is pending.

The police are already involved, and given social work are already involved I assume the OP has told them about it too. Social work will need to speak to her daughter, and her daughter will need to be able to tell them independently about what happened.

It’s not necessarily the case that contact would be stopped given there’s another adult in the father’s home who would be expected to act as a protective factor for the child - eg they would effectively supervise contact. Contact isn’t court ordered, so the OP can just not send her child and let the father take her to court. I’d think social work would expect those measures to be in place already given the concerns the OP has.

As long as you can prove you put her before him you should be ok. My friends son was taken from her because she didn't . They told her to leave him and put the child first and she didn't so they removed him. She got him back but it was a long process .

Why are some men ( and women) so bloody twisted and weird . It's so sad 😢

I hope it goes ok for you but in my experience SS are shocking .

As you have been doing document everything and take pictures and videos if necessary

Op you need to listen to Jellycat because she knows. You are too close to this/too emotional, to be able to be objective. You haven't thought this through, re the outcome you seek, because realistically that probably isn't possible.

I reported my child being strangled at contact, he had the marks on his next and chest consistent with his allegations.

I was told by everyone involved that it was abusive to make my child report his parent to the police. I nearly lost my children in family courts.

They don't believe me or my daughter and my ex is using my supposedly false reporting as part of a smear campaign against me.

What do you want social work to do? What would show you they believe you and what do you think social work should do here to protect your child?

You can stop contact yourself, there’s no court order in place and it’s a much easier, less traumatic process for your child than going through a child protection process. You don’t have their report yet, so you don’t know what their assessment is. Parenting classes are a low key first stage intervention, that doesn’t mean they don’t believe you, or don’t have concerns.

@boredybored videos are viewed as evidence of coaching and being an evil and malicious parent.

@MadameDeLaRue ffs that's what I mean about SS .. I have been involved with two families and SS have been awful ..

Best of luck . I always think the truth with prevail !

Will

@Jellycatspyjamas I just can't believe that the expectation is that I have to spend all of my savings going to court to protect her myself.

Before there were signs that he is physically harming her, I had been trying really hard to keep this whole matter out of court because my ex is a malevolent liar and probably a psychopath and I was already fearful that no one would believe me. My planned strategy had been to delay as long as possible and then possibly to offer for him to have her on an extremely reduced schedule and not have to pay any maintenance. (Because that's why he wants more time).

Certainly my objective with this whole thing was not to be discredited (which certainly wouldn't help with court proceedings) and punished by going to parenting classes. I just reported because I had to, gave SS information as much information about her father's treatment of her as I could, and hoped they would intervene to protect her.

@Jellycatspyjamas
"You can stop contact yourself, there’s no court order in place and it’s a much easier, less traumatic process for your child than going through a child protection process."

I am already at breaking point with stress and I will have to use all of our savings. How could a protracted and nasty legal battle (as it will be with my ex) possibly benefit anyone?

@Jellycatspyjamas "You don’t have their report yet, so you don’t know what their assessment is. Parenting classes are a low key first stage intervention, that doesn’t mean they don’t believe you, or don’t have concerns."

You're right, I don't have the report yet. But why would I have the exact same things recommended as her father? This suggests they just view this as a petty squabble among parents.

(btw I have reported my post describing the exact act committed on the off chance my ex could see this thread - would you mind editing your post which describes it?)

@Jellycatspyjamas sorry for the many posts 😳

Can you talk to anyone in RL? Just stop for a moment op. Wise up and remember to play the long game, cleverly. Don't do anything, don't spend any money. It probably will achieve little.
Unfortunately You have little evidence. And even if you did, If he's got any sense he'll play it all down. Then portray you as neurotic mother. Don't fall into the trap, as the stress will damage you the most.

@Oblomov24 I have a few people I can talk to, but my solicitor bills are already insane for this small intervention and everything about this process is strange and frightening.

My ex was already threatening court, but I had been hoping to delay delay delay. Now it is probably inevitable and I look like a bad, emotionally abusive mother.

I am already at breaking point with stress and I will have to use all of our savings. How could a protracted and nasty legal battle (as it will be with my ex) possibly benefit anyone?

Believe me when I say trying to stop contact through the child protection process will be much, much more nasty. Social work would need to evidence that he presents a risk of significant harm to your daughter, and that there is no other way to keep her safe than to remove his right to contact.

That will bring his, and your parenting under a microscope because they do need to consider the possibility of parental alienation (because people use the child protection purpose in that way more than you’d believe. They also need to show that they have put various measures and supports in place to improve his parenting capacity, which can be a long process in itself, especially given he seems articulate and able to defend himself. He will attack your own care of your child, as he’s already started to do - and social work will need to consider his allegations as much as they need to consider your concerns. Your daughter will need to be spoken to by social work about each allegation which will be distressing for her.

Simply put, if the concerns you’ve raised about him were instead raised about you, would you expect social work to remove your child from your care? Because that’s what you’re asking them to do and, for good reason, the threshold for removal is very high with lots of intervention along the way.

I’m not saying it’s fair, child protection is however a legal process with thresholds that need to be met, and the process is long, involved and intrusive for all concerned.

I was worried that would be the outcome when you said you had videos. Most MNs seem very naive on this stuff. Its always LTB, then dont let him see the kids or just stop contact and let him take you to court, as if Cafcass and the courts always get it right. It shouldn't be a risk involving the authorities or protecting your child but it is. The kicker if you don't stop contact now they definitely wont take it seriously. If you cancel your child support claim and stop contact is there any chance he'll just walk away?

When I seperated from my DC abusive dad, my lawyer basically said I would have to go and pick them up from school and stop contact if he tried to force the 50/50 he wanted because otherwise my concerns about this on my DDs mental health wouldn't be taken seriously. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't and then it comes down to the judge on the day. Some would dismiss my concerns if I didn't block contact, while other's wouldn't be happy that I hadn't waited for the court to decide. Turned out thankfully he wasn't interested enough in 50/50 to go to court over it. My DD is old enough now to be listened too, but whether she could actually talk to someone independent is doubtful. I'm sorry you're facing this situation, it's so messed up.

@Jellycatspyjamas "Believe me when I say trying to stop contact through the child protection process will be much, much more nasty."

Ok. I can see this is possible.

Everything about this situation is just awful.

I wish I hadn't reported.

SS have already spoken to the daughter. They think the OP made it up according to OPs updates before this post

@Jellycatspyjamas "It’s not necessarily the case that contact would be stopped given there’s another adult in the father’s home who would be expected to act as a protective factor for the child"

My daughter says he only does these things when the stepmother isn't around, and the stepmother is calling my daughter a liar perhaps due to this. But SS isn't recommending supervised contact or anything.

If the OP stopped contact, wouldn’t that give the ex more ammo for his ‘parental alienation’ claim?

Sorry you're going through this op it's very stressful, did you say he only has her so he doesn't have to pay child support? Would he back off if you said he didn't have to pay it? Would you be financially comfortable if he didn't pay it?

Exactly!

SS can't do what you're asking them to do op, it's impossible. You wouldn't want it done to you would you?

Just stop and take a breath op. You're in the midst and can't see straight.

*You're right, I don't have the report yet. But why would I have the exact same things recommended as her father? This suggests they just view this as a petty squabble among parents.

(btw I have reported my post describing the exact act committed on the off chance my ex could see this thread - would you mind editing your post which describes it?)*

I’ve missed the edit window but I’ve reported my post and asked for it to be removed.

In terms of the parenting classes, yes it feels like the same intervention but parenting classes can be used for many reasons. In some cases they can be a good support for parents navigating a particular challenge, they can give the organisers a good insight into the attitudes of the parents who attend, they can highlight capacity for change, or bring risk concerns to the fore. They can be a useful part of the assessment process when you have two parents each saying things about the other. It’s not a punishment or a comment on your parenting, it’s a tool to help understand what might actually be happening.

You need to remember social work don’t really know you or your ex, and need to find a way to figure out what’s going on in the absence of independent evidence. This is one of the ways they can do that.

Are the school not supporting you? Surely they see the unbrushed hair on days he has her?