AIBU to want to keep the baby

[raffathegaffa]

Hi

My partner and I have a 7 year old and a 1 year old.
About 6 weeks ago I found out I was pregnant, I’ll be 14 weeks now
from the moment I found out it’s been absolute hell, my partner works in London during the week and our home is 4 hours away in a different city. I’m solo parenting and working P/T during the week, he’s back on weekends. When I first found out I was pregnant again I was in shock and I couldn’t imagine having 3 children mostly on my own, however I’ve been to the abortion clinic twice and I couldn’t go through with it. My partner is being an absolute monster about it, he doesn’t want another baby, says financially we can’t afford it, he’s on 100k a year and obviously I work part time so we do ok, small mortgage etc. I just feel like I can’t live with aborting this baby, we both spoke about having a third although not this soon, I think everything happens for a reason and I have lots of family support so I feel we could manage. He has constantly been harassing me to “deal with it this week or xyz” “get rid of it” “it’s not a baby yet” “you’ll ruin all of our lives”. He’s already said he’ll leave me, I’ll be giving birth on my own, he’ll support financially and “let me” stay in the house (I don’t own it, it’s all in his name) but he won’t have anything to do with this baby. Our eldest child has some private medical treatment going on which will improve her quality of life massively and he’s already pulled the plug on that and asked for a refund from the clinic where she receives it, all because I want to keep this baby and he’s using it as a way to blackmail me into having an abortion as he knows how badly I want her to have this treatment.
I’ve begged him, told him I’ll go through it all alone and he’s entitled to his opinion if he doesn’t want this baby - but now he’s pulled the plug on eldests treatment I feel like I have no choice but to have the abortion - it’s given me a taste of the absolute living hell he will make me endure if I keep this baby. Im honestly devastated, I feel like Im drowning. Obviously I knew his stance on the baby but I hoped he would come around eventually, after all he did nothing to protect himself to stop me from becoming pregnant in the first place. I told him I wasn’t taking contraception at the time. I just feel like it’s all my fault and I don’t know where to go from here, time is running out and I love my two children with every fibre in my being I don’t want to ruin their lives. I was 19 when we got together and he was 33, I had barely left school and I moved to London to be with him, I just feel like I never stood a chance as he has always had the high flying job, control of the money (I didn’t work for the first 5 years of our relationship as he said I didn’t need to and we had our first child) we’re not married, I rely completely on him for money etc (he always gives me money when I need it and he pays me every month, I have my own wage too but it’s basically just pocket money, but I still hate having to ask him for money like I’m a child). No matter what he’s just been such a bully about this whole thing, I feel like I’ve completely lost myself and I need to leave him, I just don’t know whether to leave him with the two I have or to leave him and still keep this baby I feel like I am already connected to. This just isn’t something I ever thought I’d have to go through and I’m completely devastated and lost and just broken. This is rambly I’m sorry, I just don’t know what to do please help.

You've been put in an awful situation, and its because of him. He is the reason for all this pain and suffering. Every time you see him going forward begging and pleading remember that. He's put you in an awful situation before, you split, he won you back and this was the result. You've been so strong so far, and this is going to make you feel so so vunerable so do what you can to protect yourself x

Thank you all for the responses and just to update everyone -
Unfortunately I couldn’t get myself into a mentally well enough place to go into hospital and take the second tablets for the abortion. Taking the first lot was instant regret, and the very next day I had to take my daughter for a hospital food challenge (she was allergic to almond but her tests showed a decrease in sensitivity so they perform a food challenge in hospital to see if you have grown out of that particular allergy and you have to spend the day on a ward) and this particular ward was inside the antenatal clinic happy pregnant couples everywhere, I was a mess. Non stop crying for the 4 hours we were there for the appointment, and to make matters worse the mother of the child in the bed next to us was pregnant and due at the same time as me and there were lots of conversations going on about it with the nurses. It was all just so raw for me after taking the first tablet.
Anyway I have spiralled since then and couldn’t go in for the second part… my parents are also acting completely hysterical as they didn’t want me to have an abortion and it is not helpful at all, I have never felt in such turmoil in my life. Anyway so I have come to the conclusion that the only way I can do this is to go down the surgical route, I hate to drag this out any longer but I have a pre op assessment on Tuesday and then hopefully the op can be scheduled for the end of this week. My mum also guilt tripped me into going for a private scan today to see if the baby still had a heart beat (which it did) I went on my own and I told the sonographer the story beforehand so I didn’t see anything but I wish I didn’t even have the scan now, I only went because I felt bad that my mum paid for it, but I never asked for it in the first place. It’s all such a mess.

OP, I'm so incredibly sorry you're going through this.

Again, I'm strongly pro-choice, but I just don't hear from you that you feel this abortion is your choice...more that you've been coerced and bullied into this. I feel very uncomfortable encouraging you to go forward.

I'm sorry your parents are struggling too as you don't need hysterics, you need peace and space to make your own decision.

I wish you and your daughters could get far away from your DH, so you have a few days to clearly think things through. This kind of stress isn't conducive to big life decisions.

Could you lie to your husband, tell him you need to get away to heal from the procedure and then go someplace where you can think quietly on your own? If you can, please take space and peace to think so you can feel confident in your decision, whatever it is.

Thank you, my partner has changed his tune slightly in that he is now supporting me to make whichever decision I want to make, however he still remains firm that this is the end of our relationship if I don’t terminate, he would support me financially and look after the children every other weekend but we would no longer be a couple. He is also adamant for me to stay in the house and plans to put my name on the deeds (I know that this is all talk but I do believe him and after speaking with his family I know that this is what they want too, they all want me to remain comfortable financially and for the children to stay with me in the family home and this does reflect their values as a family) and I saw a solicitor today who said if he does change his tune, there are laws in place to protect my interests in the property so he can’t just kick me out even if the house is not legally mine.
So I do feel like it is my decision, although the circumstances do really make it so that I feel unable to keep the baby, I don’t want the baby being brought into the world in this way where he left me whilst pregnant, as much as it pains me to say this. If the circumstances were different and he wanted to fully support me and remain a family of course my decision would be to keep the baby.

OP I just don't know what to say. There's so much pressure on you & it just isn't fair. The choice is still entirely yours & yours alone. I think the most pressing thing is to keep your resolve with leaving your husband - that just cannot change after he showed he's prepared to hurt his own daughter.

If I'm honest, you do not sound, at all, like you want to give up this pregnancy (I'm pro-choice fwiw). Is this the only place you can come to be honest with the world? Is there anyone else IRL who could lend you an ear so you can just sound all this out with your voice?

If you want to keep the baby then you should. You shouldn't do something that doesn't agree with you. If the baby has a heart beat then there's still a chance. Don't abort it, if you want it.

OP, I feel like you’re torturing yourself by trying to make yourself do something against your conscience. Your actions - or inability to act - are showing you that this is not a choice you feel you can live with.

If you couldn’t bring yourself to take the second tablets, I don’t know how you’re going to force yourself to go through a second trimester surgical abortion.

This is the worst thing about this forum. There is so much pressure, moralising and fear-mongering (from self-described "pro-choice" individuals) put onto any pregnant woman in imperfect circumstances to abort.

This is a wanted and planned baby, from a woman who has experienced coercive control (illegal domestic abuse) in order to force her into an abortion at 3.5 months, and who will be 4 months by the time it is done.

So many on this thread "helpfully" jumped in and said how they would abort in these circumstances, moralising from behind their computer screens as if this isn't an irreversible and potentially permanently life-altering decision for a real person reading their words.

And now look at this totally predictable mess. She's halfway through a nearly 4 month abortion and regrets it, and is now going to force herself into a surgical abortion because she can't even make herself take the tablets. But you've all convinced her this is a good idea to "move on" and get rid of this wanted baby. So well done. Pat yourselves on the back.

I agree with all of the above.
The OP has enough pressure from those around her and just needs some support from us without preaching or judgement.
I have been thinking of you for days OP, I'd like to send you strength and beg you to make the decision for yourself, not for everyone around you.

OP has enough pressure in her life. Her dickhead ex issuing ultimatums trying to force her to abort, her parents trying to force her not to and trying to change her mind booking scans.

Shes scared. She wants to leave said dickhead ex but doesn't feel she can manage financially or otherwise especially with yet another child. She states herself she is financially dependent on him, and he's even threatening to withdraw medical care he's paying for for their existing children as punishment for keeping the pregnancy.

OP can continue if she wants, and I do believe she really wants to have this baby, she says herself she feels connected. But she's also terrified and aborting for what she feels is the benefit of her existing children, enabling her to get away from ex, she's hoping he won't pull the plug on her childs private medical treatment etc. He may well pull it anyway, he may be bluffing, who knows.

She's in a fucked up situation and if she wants to continue the abortion pathway she needs so much support, she's been abused enough.

When I was in a similar situation I ran out of every appointment I had at the abortion clinic. Culminating in sitting in a chair for a second trimester abortion with a cup of pills next to me wishing I would never have to decide either to take them or not.

the clinic staff eventually refused to perform the abortion saying it was clear I was not firm in my decision. They said that people who wanted an abortion may be upset and stressed but KNEW it was what they wanted and had a sense of relief once it was done, rather than people who truly did not want one. Ultimately I found that to be true.

you know deep down what you want OP. No one else can make the decision for you.

I find it very strange that he is going to such great lengths just so that you abort his third child. He removed medical treatment for his own child, he is threatening separation BUT he is willing to leave you in the house with his kids and put you on the deed. Why? To me all of these things are just desperate actions for him to get you to abort the baby. He’s probably just thinking that once you abort the baby, everything will go back to normal.

Whether you keep the baby or not (and nobody here can actually advise you), you need to take your kids and run run run from this guy.

I hope your Dad would point out to his that his son has to be some sort of pond life to use the threat of withdrawing medical treatment from his daughter just so as to get his own way.

Absolute nonsense. OP's partner agreed to the risk of having a baby the moment he decided to have unprotected sex with her. A man cannot impregnate a woman and then say hang on, I didn't mean to do that, so you must put yourself in danger to protect me from the consequences of my action.

OP's partner agreed to the risk of having a baby the moment he decided to have unprotected sex with her.

So did she despite knowing her OH didn't want one. They both behaved irresponsibly. But hers was the final decision as it always rests with the woman rape aside and she decided to go ahead.

OP I think this is all really worrying. Your OH is trying to bribe you into staying in the house with him by putting your name on the deeds? You say you know this is all talk, but you believe it to be true - so which is it? all talk or the truth? It sounds like you are being manipulated into some kind of hell - you are being offered the role of his permanent childcare, cook and housekeeper without any kind of wage. Why would you think any of that was good? What about when he starts bringing his new girlfriend round for sex? Or when he's out all weekend and you're left to do everything?

This guy is a narc. He is not putting you on the deeds in any way that is meaningful - and that's even if he does it. What's he going to 'give' you? a 5% stake? Where you can't sell or get the stake unless you have his agreement? All totally meaningless. Please, please don't fall for his bullshit. I can see you innocently running straight towards the red flags all over again. You are not 15 now, there should be no 'look in his eyes' that keeps you running back to his abusive ways.

I thought your parents sounded lovely and supportive - now I'm concerned that they also may be very controlling/narcissistic and that is how you ended up with a man like this. Booking a scan without you asking for it? Guilt tripping you into it? Crying on the phone to you to keep the baby rather than supporting whatever decision you make? I can see how you went from them to him without seeing the red flags.

Please, please be careful. I really think you need to be on your own away from all of them.

Honestly just get off this thread at this point, I’ve explained to you countless times that we did talk about having baby no 3 and it was always on the cards

I know what you’re saying, but he doesn’t live in the house mon-fri as he works away in London and if we split up he would only be back every other weekend instead of every weekend, so for him it makes perfect sense for us to share ownership of the house as he would only be living in it for 4 days out of the month. And if I had to move out, me and the children would probably end up in a council house which is something he doesn’t want for them, why would he when he can afford not to. I personally wouldn’t have an issue with living in a council house but it doesn’t sit right with him when he can afford to house his children, and also of course it benefits me too.

Agreed, just need space from them all tbh.

i'm so sorry this is so tough.

How are you op? Have you decided what to do? Still thinking of you. 💐

@raffathegaffa Thinking of you and hoping you are well

Baby is now 10 months old and absolutely adored by his dad if anyone wants an update - what a shit show all that was. Absolutely hideous time of my life but he’s here and so loved and that’s the main thing now.

Thank you for the update. I'm glad that things seem to have worked out.

I'm glad it worked out.

Edited inline with your update:

Are you still with the dad then?? I hope he has changed!