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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Evening Wedding Invite, fair?

127 replies

Jentefieldroamer · 16/04/2024 15:18

Okay, so I'm probably a lot older than you and also have some mixed heritage. I'm nearly 70 and been invited to a friend's wedding (same age), some 200 miles away. My friend and I who are invited have been friends for nearly 60 years and she has invited us only to evening party which requires a stay at the wedding venue. The venue has an early breakfast, just expensive rooms and bar is over priced. We will be entitled to a burger on patio. We always considered her a close friend, sharing life's ups and downs. It's a large venue, lots of guests , so please share how you would feel if your longtime friend only invited you to evening disco? We would of preferred to just see her married and return home in the evening but not possible because of venues requirements. No parking also. AIBU that my friend and I don't attend?

OP posts:
LongCareerOfNearMisses · 21/04/2024 08:31

Jentefieldroamer · 16/04/2024 15:32

The venue has over 100 for day guests. We are her oldest friends. She once told me I am like a sister to her.

Show quote history

Do you mean the venue has potential capacity for 100, or that you know 100 have been invited?
Just because a venue can fit in 100 people doesn't mean the couple have invited 100 - that could cost tens of thousands.

I think it's fine to invite however many people you can afford for the day, then evening invites to others. Only you will know if you're right to feel miffed for not being asked to the day itself.

Purplecatshopaholic · 21/04/2024 09:28

I’d be hurt by this, yes. You are clearly not as close friends as you thought. I’m sorry op. I wouldn’t go if this were me.

Thulpelly · 21/04/2024 13:04

In this situation I would probably
politely decline.

Lifetooshort23 · 21/04/2024 14:45

I consider evening guests friends we don’t know as well/colleagues… I’d be offended too and wouldn’t go tbh. Very, very odd!
is it your friend getting married or one of her children?!

Cherrysoup · 21/04/2024 14:48

There’s no way I’d go to an evening only 200 miles away and I’m not doddery! Just say no.

OldieWoldie · 21/04/2024 18:24

I wouldn't go, it's a long way without even a meal or nice buffet to eat. You'll be hungry and tired. Just send a card and present and wish them well.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 21/04/2024 18:30

That's a shame, OP. I would be disappointed to. She might be like a sister to you but you're not one to her it seems?

Are you able to call in just for the ceremony? Watch her get married and then go off with your friend elsewhere? That's what I would do - and I wouldn't attend the evening celebration, it's a bit of a smack in the face given that you two are/were close.

If you wanted to make the trip I would make a proper thing of it but for you and your friend - stay where you want, call in to see her marry then leave. Meet up with her after it's all over to share stories/celebrate if you want.

You are not being in any way unreasonable. Flowers

Harls1969 · 21/04/2024 18:48

If she's happy to not have her good friends at the wedding itself, then she can't really be unhappy if you don't go to the evening reception. I'd not go OP

Owl55 · 21/04/2024 19:08

If you live 200 miles away how often have you all met up , do you keep in touch by phone or letter? If the last time you spent time with your “best friend” was many years ago it seems reasonable to only receive an evening invitation

OldPerson · 21/04/2024 19:37

Just decline gracefully. And say you're really looking forward to seeing her and all the photos when you three can next get-together.

All three of you already know that it's not going to be suitable or enjoyable.

And not being invited to the personal part of the wedding gives you an easy and expected get out.

GoldEagle · 21/04/2024 19:40

Refuse the evening invite. You and your friend go to the theatre and/or have a nice meal somewhere.

CanaryMary · 21/04/2024 19:49

It makes no sense to me why you are not invited to the whole thing! As her longest friend and living so far away
I think it’s very strange and unreasonable of her to invite you only to the evening. Considering the costs and travelling I don’t think you would be unreasonable to say sorry you can’t make it! What a shame! Considering the fact you have known each other so long and you say you’re good friends! Do you think that she thinks differently perhaps

Jeannie88 · 21/04/2024 19:54

I totally understand your disappointment, I would feel the same but try not to take it to heart. I think the right thing to do would be do decline due to what you've said and say you will celebrate together afterwards. Xx

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 21/04/2024 20:54

Surely a wedding is a public ceremony? Anyone can attend a wedding, but the reception and evening do may be restricted to a certain number for catering purposes. You could go to the ceremony then go home if that's the bit you want to go to.

Thulpelly · 21/04/2024 21:20

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 21/04/2024 20:54

Surely a wedding is a public ceremony? Anyone can attend a wedding, but the reception and evening do may be restricted to a certain number for catering purposes. You could go to the ceremony then go home if that's the bit you want to go to.

No, where did you get this from?
Wedding ceremony venues can have pretty strict capacity.

Thulpelly · 21/04/2024 21:21

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 21/04/2024 20:54

Surely a wedding is a public ceremony? Anyone can attend a wedding, but the reception and evening do may be restricted to a certain number for catering purposes. You could go to the ceremony then go home if that's the bit you want to go to.

Do you think people can just show up to a wedding? Like they would a funeral?

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 21/04/2024 22:07

Thulpelly · 21/04/2024 21:21

Do you think people can just show up to a wedding? Like they would a funeral?

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Yes, how else can the legality of the ceremony be challenged?
I had loads of people at my wedding I hadn't invited individually.

DisabledDemon · 21/04/2024 22:21

Jentefieldroamer · 16/04/2024 15:32

The venue has over 100 for day guests. We are her oldest friends. She once told me I am like a sister to her.

Show quote history

Funny way to treat a sister.

Suchasonganddance · 21/04/2024 22:23

I suggest you and other “doddery” old friend treat yourselves to a night away and perhaps drink a toast to this so called friend.

ellyeth · 21/04/2024 22:43

I would be hurt if a very good and longstanding friend only invited me to the evening reception, particularly as it would mean such a tiring and expensive journey and night's accommodation.

I think it would be quite reasonable of you both to decline, and if this friend takes offence then so be it. She doesn't sound like very genuine friend anyway.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 22/04/2024 07:41

She's every right to invite who she wants to which bits she wants.

You've every right to decline the invitation because of logistics.

For what it's worth, I'd be declining and I'd happily explain why to her.

Easytigeress84 · 23/04/2024 10:05

“IMO it’s bizarre to invite people to the ceremony, send them away for a few hours, and then ask them to come back again”

Happened to me! Drove 125miles! No dinner. Just ceremony and evening do! One of my oldest friends. Bizarre.

adviceaunt · 23/04/2024 10:13

i assume its her thats getting married and is in the same age group as you guys.. weddings are expensive and the bride and groom normally try to keep costs down by having a small intimate seremony for close family and then open up the numbers for the evening do.

she may have a large family to cater for as might he.

if she is that close a friend have you not already had the conversation about wedding invites?

RLouiseH · 23/04/2024 12:42

I would also feel slightly disappointed to not be invited to the whole event- but there’s nothing you can do about that.

My rule for weddings has always been, if I’m invited to the full day I’m prepared to travel and pay to stay over, but if it’s just an evening invitation, I’ll only go if it’s local. I wouldn’t travel far/pay to stay in a hotel if I was only invited to the evening, so perhaps you adopt this philosophy too?

just explain to her that it’s too far and expensive to travel just for the party. She will understand. But then, if you want to go, then go!

Poodleydoodley · 23/04/2024 16:02

I wouldn’t go and would only send a card - no present.