Evening Wedding Invite, fair?

[Jentefieldroamer]

Okay, so I'm probably a lot older than you and also have some mixed heritage. I'm nearly 70 and been invited to a friend's wedding (same age), some 200 miles away. My friend and I who are invited have been friends for nearly 60 years and she has invited us only to evening party which requires a stay at the wedding venue. The venue has an early breakfast, just expensive rooms and bar is over priced. We will be entitled to a burger on patio. We always considered her a close friend, sharing life's ups and downs. It's a large venue, lots of guests , so please share how you would feel if your longtime friend only invited you to evening disco? We would of preferred to just see her married and return home in the evening but not possible because of venues requirements. No parking also. AIBU that my friend and I don't attend?

Yes!

Think evening invites only reasonable for people who are local. I’d decline.

I’d be fine with an evening only invite, I’d make a weekend of it and enjoy the evening.

I say yes to all invites unless I’m on holiday.

It's quite common to invite loads of people to the evening do, but of course if it's a hassle for you to go, no-one will miss you. Go if you fancy it, don't go if you don't. Simples.

I wouldn’t be offended but I might not go if it was too expensive or a massive hassle.

Just playing devil’s advocate, have you seen what wedding venues charge for food? If you have 150 evening guest that you believe should all have had a daytime invite, you’d be looking at potentially £20,000+ just for the meal alone!

I’m sure everyone would love to be as wealthy as the average Mumsnetter and be able to invite limitless guests. Unfortunately most people live in the real world, and decisions have to be made about who gets a daytime invite and who gets an evening invite when wedding breakfasts can cost £140 per head.

How big are their families? You see a lot of wedding threads on MN where posters are quite disparaging of people who invite friends ahead of family - although I would hope that a friendship as long as yours would be considered pretty solid!

Is it possible they’ve had to invite huge amounts of family (especially as they’re old enough to have grandchildren) and are sticking to a family only day reception?

It is a long way to go and I don't think I would bother but does she live at the location, or just having a 'destination' wedding there. If she lives there and had invited you for an overnight visit is it something you would do? If so I think I would probably go and make a mini break out of it, especially as your other friend is going too. I understand that it is the principle of it though, and you would be perfectly entitled to turn it down.

I probably wouldn't travel 200 miles just for an evening do. If it was in an interesting area where I could construct a weekend away doing other activities around it and justify the cost and travel of going there, I might consider it but otherwise no.

I would feel upset. I want to see the couple marry. That's the important bit for me. I'd rather forgo the meal tbh. When I married we ended up not having an evening do but before we made that decision we said that everyone was coming to everything.

I said this on a different thread recently, but I think it's rude to invite guests to only the evening if they have to travel some distance. Evening invites should be for local friends such as work colleagues, sports team buddies etc. Then it's a nice, low pressure, do drop in and have a nice evening. To non-local friends and family it's saying "you're on the B list" and expects them to go to considerable expense having just told them they're unimportant.

OP said that neither bride nor groom have children, thus no grandchildren either.

I have had plenty of friends and family who have gotten married say over the past 20 years.

I know several people then who had a guest list and it was do we invite X or y to the wedding or the afters (evening). Most people I know would have family and life long friends to the full day and then friends, younger relatives or people living close to the venue to the afters.

I think that some people just don't think before sending out wedding invitations. I would not ask someone living a far distance away to the afters.
In your case I would just say that you can't attend the afters. I would not pay the cost of travel and staying in a an expensive hotel for the afters especially if it was for someone that you been friends with for years. I am sure you were their in the past for her though a few hard times. I found as I got older I started to see and notice how little effort some people were making for me and I just stepped back from doing all the running.

I have had plenty of friends and family who have gotten married say over the past 20 years.

I know several people then who had a guest list and it was do we invite X or y to the wedding or the afters (evening). Most people I know would have family and life long friends to the full day and then friends, younger relatives or people living close to the venue to the afters.

I think that some people just don't think before sending out wedding invitations. I would not ask someone living a far distance away to the afters.
In your case I would just say that you can't attend the afters. I would not pay the cost of travel and staying in a an expensive hotel for the afters especially if it was for someone that you been friends with for years. I am sure you were their in the past for her though a few hard times. I found as I got older I started to see and notice how little effort some people were making for me and I just stepped back from doing all the running.

OP - just because the venue has capacity for 100 day guests doesn't mean 100 have been invited.
What did the bride say when you voiced your concerns about travelling for just the evening?

Honestly, if I'm not in the top 100 of people they know, then my presence for a couple of hours in the evening when everyone is already tired and probably tipsy won't matter much to them.

And I'm not paying hundreds and travelling for hours to deliver a gift (I assume you've been given a list) when I'm not in their top 100.

I'd ask why politely first though.

I'd be disappointed about not seeing her get married. I'd not be very fussed about the evening do. I'd probably say I couldn't attend as too far for just an evening.

It’s hard as you don’t know how many day guests have been invited, maybe there are none and it’s just her and her fiancé? And then an evening do?

Id personally still go if it was my best friends wedding. I’d arrange a lovely weekend away with my friend so things to do during the day both days in the area the evening wedding party one night too. So enjoy a weekend away where the wedding is not the main thing just one of the things you both have planned.

YAobviouslyNBU to decline the invitation if you don't fancy it.

However, don't confuse having known a friend for a long time with necessarily being a particularly close friend.
I have people I see sometimes that I have known for over 40 years as an adult, but that doesn't then automatically make them that close.

If it was local I wouldn’t mind (but I don’t care for the ceremony part anyway). I wouldn’t drive hours just to attend the evening do.

OP said the bride told her she is a sister to her though

Anyone that had to travel over 50 miles had full invites, I wouldn't expect anyone to travel over 50 miles, let alone 200 for an evening reception.

The only other thing I suggest is arriving for checkin and have a few hours relaxing in the hotel public areas...... And having a bottle of vodka in my bag!!

Yeah. I didn't realise this when I went to a friend's evening do. We were the only people who hadn't been present at the ceremony. I know other friends had received evening-only invites but they had all declined/not turned up.

We felt a bit silly, being so very obviously second-tier.

I can understand why you are disappointed in the circumstances ultimately she has invited you the evening only and you would not be unreasonable to say no. You could even explain the reason (nicely) .

100 guests and she couldn’t get you a day invite? Seems strange.

however equally, you want to go to the daytime to then disappear home for the evening (when the fun starts), so would you be any more unreasonable?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable not going 200 miles just for the evening though, I would decline it.