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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Evening Wedding Invite, fair?

127 replies

Jentefieldroamer · 16/04/2024 15:18

Okay, so I'm probably a lot older than you and also have some mixed heritage. I'm nearly 70 and been invited to a friend's wedding (same age), some 200 miles away. My friend and I who are invited have been friends for nearly 60 years and she has invited us only to evening party which requires a stay at the wedding venue. The venue has an early breakfast, just expensive rooms and bar is over priced. We will be entitled to a burger on patio. We always considered her a close friend, sharing life's ups and downs. It's a large venue, lots of guests , so please share how you would feel if your longtime friend only invited you to evening disco? We would of preferred to just see her married and return home in the evening but not possible because of venues requirements. No parking also. AIBU that my friend and I don't attend?

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 16/04/2024 17:10

mitogoshi · 16/04/2024 17:00

I personally am only inviting out of town guests to the whole day. We are inviting local acquaintances eg work colleagues to the church and evening only but they can easily go home in between or just go to one or the other (we are having drinks after the service for all rather than at the reception, works out far cheaper btw if you are planning because the Lidl Prosecco is per bottle what the venue wants per glass! Borrowing church glasses)

IMO it’s bizarre to invite people to the ceremony, send them away for a few hours, and then ask them to come back again.

What’s the middle bit? A dinner? What % of the guests are invited to that?

Id be pretty miffed to be asked to leave for a few hours while you ate.

Newestname002 · 16/04/2024 17:12

@Jentefieldroamer

The venue has over 100 for day guests. We are her oldest friends. She once told me I am like a sister to her.

A sister she doesn't really like?

@Crazyclover's idea is much better:
Forget the wedding, you and your other friend go on a mini break or a slap up meal out with the money you will save instead! 🌹

Original poster
Jentefieldroamer · 16/04/2024 17:22

LenaLamont · 16/04/2024 16:55

At age 70, are the wedding ceremony spaces filled up by children and grandchildren and spouses of all the above from both sides? If so I wouldn’t feel insulted by an evening invitation.

I wouldn’t bother going, though. Send a card and/or gift but don’t bother with the hassle and expense for just an evening.

She doesn't have any children, nor her partner. She's been with him donkeys years.

OP posts:
TiptoeTess · 16/04/2024 17:35

You’re not unreasonable not to go. Just politely say it’s too far to travel for the evening, you’ll go out for lunch with her another time and look forward to hearing all about it.

Twokittycats · 16/04/2024 17:39

I wouldn’t go if it’s just for the evening, I find evening invites really insulting unless the wedding itself has only close family. Tell her it’s too far and expensive to only have a few hours at a disco with a burger.

Howmanycatsistoomany · 16/04/2024 18:06

I had a close "friend" do similar - me and a joint friend were invited just to the evening do, in the south of England - at the time I lived in Yorkshire, joint friend in Glasgow. So bride expected us to spend a day travelling, pay for hotel rooms, and a day travelling home again, all for an evening do. And had the brass neck to include a gift list in the invitation. No thank you.

Flowersandforests · 16/04/2024 18:11

I would be hurt too OP - I think with evening invites if it’s local to you then its nice to go but I always decline evening invites that would mean staying in a hotel as it’s such a big effort and expense for a short amount of time

parkrun500club · 16/04/2024 18:23

Howmanycatsistoomany · 16/04/2024 18:06

I had a close "friend" do similar - me and a joint friend were invited just to the evening do, in the south of England - at the time I lived in Yorkshire, joint friend in Glasgow. So bride expected us to spend a day travelling, pay for hotel rooms, and a day travelling home again, all for an evening do. And had the brass neck to include a gift list in the invitation. No thank you.

Me too, but the other way round - I was in the south of England and she was in Yorkshire. She'd been to my hen do and my wedding but I only merited an evening invite. As it happened we had already booked to go on holiday anyway so it was easy to decline.

SevenSeasOfRhye · 16/04/2024 18:26

We will be entitled to a burger on patio.

I wouldn't go that far for a burger!

Itloggedmeoutagain · 16/04/2024 20:06

Jentefieldroamer · 16/04/2024 17:22

She doesn't have any children, nor her partner. She's been with him donkeys years.

Edited
Show quote history

Who are the 100 people?

Saz12 · 16/04/2024 22:07

All I can think is if she's definitely inviting 100 guests to thefull day - the venue could have a different (big) wedding happening on the same day whilst your friend has a smaller one? Or are you and her other friend unwell and unlikely to manage all the standing around a wedding usually entails? Or is the whole thing in the evening, ceremony, meal the works?

I'd be hurt in your place. If you can bring yourself to tell her that, it might clear the air etc. I probably wouldnt be making a huge effort /expense to attend for the evening only.

Airworld · 16/04/2024 22:23

Just decline if you wish too, and it’s ok to be disappointed regardless of the people who say their wedding, their say.

My aunt invited me to her wedding ceremony only - in a church which anyone can walk off the street to watch - and I would also have had a 200 mile round trip. My cousin a d other aunt had the same invite and would have had a 600 mile round trip - to sit in a church for less than an hour. We all declined and she’s cut us all off (fairly big wedding too, no history of rifts etc). You can’t please everyone but we were hurt, spidering all the Facebook photos of the rest of the family and the crowds of other guests. Hey ho that’s life!

TrouserHem · 17/04/2024 08:24

MidnightPatrol · 16/04/2024 17:10

IMO it’s bizarre to invite people to the ceremony, send them away for a few hours, and then ask them to come back again.

What’s the middle bit? A dinner? What % of the guests are invited to that?

Id be pretty miffed to be asked to leave for a few hours while you ate.

Show quote history

I know! What a thing to do your guests. Am cringeing at this awful ‘hospitality’.

‘Come and make us look popular, and create atmosphere in the evening but we are not going to feed you’. Stingy as hell!

Whatstheword21 · 19/04/2024 14:00

I’ve been in this position recently. It’s extremely disappointing and upsetting to realise you are not classed as being in their “close circle” like you class them to be in yours! I went to my friends wedding as it was close and I could drive, if it was further away I wouldn’t have. It is of course your decision, but my advise would be to not go and let this friendship pass.

Peonies12 · 19/04/2024 14:07

it's their wedding and their choice. Don't go if you don't want to.

Emmz1510 · 19/04/2024 14:14

No way I’d be travelling that distance and spending that money for basically a night out with a burger to eat! Especially not for someone who didn’t value my friendship enough to include me in the whole day.

Devon23 · 19/04/2024 14:50

Sounds like a miscommunication normally many are invited to day and select 9nly to evening so maybe she presumes you will go to both? Ask her.

Abitofhassle · 19/04/2024 15:03

Weddings are so expensive that I can understand why people have to restrict numbers but a 400 mile return journey and an expensive hotel stay for an evening do… nope.
A local invitation would still be a bit mean but That’s not on.
ps I hate weddings, can you tell? :)

Maddy70 · 19/04/2024 15:06

I would assume a small family wedding and an evening one for friends

The evening does have burgers for food. Either go or don't but I wouldn't take an evening invite as a slight tbh

CHEESEY13 · 19/04/2024 15:07

"Entitled to a burger on the patio". Wow! Whoopee-do!

gannett · 19/04/2024 15:16

I would rather go to the evening do then the ceremony, because a party is better than a boring church service. Always amazed at the MNers who seem to take a party invite as a personal insult

ThePerfectDog · 19/04/2024 15:19

I wouldn’t be offended by it and don’t understand why people are offended by an evening invitation but equally I wouldn’t go if it didn’t work for me.

gannett · 19/04/2024 15:24

DP and I have no plans to get married but if we do it will be for practical purposes only, we'll have as low-key a ceremony as possible (registry office, token witnesses, end) and the only invites going will be for an evening knees-up.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 19/04/2024 16:16

PotatoPudding · 16/04/2024 16:00

I don’t understand how people can expect people to travel 200 hundred miles and shell out a few hundred quid for only a few hours.

I would be pretty pisses off at not making the guest list of 100 people, although if both bride and groom are in their 70s, I imagine there’s a lot or family to invite.

Absolutely.
I don’t go to any events where I’m expected to shell out a small fortune and yet be grateful for the invite. If you don’t fancy it, for any reason, there is simply no obligation to go. Spend the time and money on something better.

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 19/04/2024 16:16

Abitofhassle · 19/04/2024 15:03

Weddings are so expensive that I can understand why people have to restrict numbers but a 400 mile return journey and an expensive hotel stay for an evening do… nope.
A local invitation would still be a bit mean but That’s not on.
ps I hate weddings, can you tell? :)

Me too 😆