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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Evening Wedding Invite, fair?

127 replies

Jentefieldroamer · 16/04/2024 15:18

Okay, so I'm probably a lot older than you and also have some mixed heritage. I'm nearly 70 and been invited to a friend's wedding (same age), some 200 miles away. My friend and I who are invited have been friends for nearly 60 years and she has invited us only to evening party which requires a stay at the wedding venue. The venue has an early breakfast, just expensive rooms and bar is over priced. We will be entitled to a burger on patio. We always considered her a close friend, sharing life's ups and downs. It's a large venue, lots of guests , so please share how you would feel if your longtime friend only invited you to evening disco? We would of preferred to just see her married and return home in the evening but not possible because of venues requirements. No parking also. AIBU that my friend and I don't attend?

OP posts:
DrJoanAllenby · 20/04/2024 08:20

I wouldn't be offended at not being invited to the actual ceremony but I wouldn't travel and stay overnight just for a few hours at an evening do where it's unlikely you will talk to her for more than a few minutes as she does the rounds with all the guests.

'Thank you for the invite but I won't be able to attend. Wishing you every happiness on your special day .'

ScaryM0nster · 20/04/2024 09:34

Jentefieldroamer · 16/04/2024 17:22

She doesn't have any children, nor her partner. She's been with him donkeys years.

Edited
Show quote history

But do they have siblings who do?

Its surprising how quickly you start to rack up guest numbers when you’ve got three generations of relatives to invite.

Im guessing not a church wedding from your description. If it is, then maybe go anyway. Go to the service as anyone can, and then the early part of evening reception.

Kissatem · 20/04/2024 11:03

OP you're well within your rights to not go, but I wouldn't be so quick to assume that you were snubbed. Unless you're made aware of other friends attending the wedding over you.

The number of guests increases exponentially over 2 generations. What might have been 2 people (relative and partner) 40 years ago might now be at least 6 (thanks to blended families). Every other day there's a thread with someone throwing a strop about their children not being invited to a family wedding on their partner's side even if said children are only there once a week. Or the other way around.

It's not courteous of her to not say so and apologise she can't invite you to the whole thing but I wouldn't hold it against her. The logical thing for you is to not go!

BTW I had a small wedding when I got married a few years ago. No budget , and I was young to not much family to offend but I still couldn't invite some of my close friends. I did tell them that and invite them.to drinks after. No pressure. There was nothing more I could have done.

Glazedchristmasham · 20/04/2024 11:13

Sorry if this seems a little stupid, but are you absolutely sure that it is only for the evening on the day of the wedding? If everyone has to travel to the destination, is there possibly a party the evening before the wedding?

Crapuscular · 20/04/2024 11:42

I'd feel hurt and I'd be declining.

penjil · 20/04/2024 12:29

Jentefieldroamer · 16/04/2024 15:32

The venue has over 100 for day guests. We are her oldest friends. She once told me I am like a sister to her.

Show quote history

Perhaps they were just words.

I think you value her more as a friend, then she does to you.

Weddings are when you really get to see the pecking order in families and friendships, and quite often, there are always surprises.

I would decline the invite, OP.

200 miles is a long way and it'll need an overnight stay.

Bsgpuss · 20/04/2024 14:02

Difficult one and expensive for something you won't enjoy. You don't have to go especially if you won't enjoy it and will hardly speak to her as she won't have time with all those people. Maybe invite her over later so you can see the photos.

godmum56 · 20/04/2024 16:18

I wouldn't be bothered but I wouldn't go

Mirabai · 20/04/2024 16:21

I wouldn’t bother.

LT1982 · 20/04/2024 16:50

Jentefieldroamer · 16/04/2024 15:18

Okay, so I'm probably a lot older than you and also have some mixed heritage. I'm nearly 70 and been invited to a friend's wedding (same age), some 200 miles away. My friend and I who are invited have been friends for nearly 60 years and she has invited us only to evening party which requires a stay at the wedding venue. The venue has an early breakfast, just expensive rooms and bar is over priced. We will be entitled to a burger on patio. We always considered her a close friend, sharing life's ups and downs. It's a large venue, lots of guests , so please share how you would feel if your longtime friend only invited you to evening disco? We would of preferred to just see her married and return home in the evening but not possible because of venues requirements. No parking also. AIBU that my friend and I don't attend?

I assume your use of the word entitled was mis-used here to mean you will be provided with BBQ food as you're not actually entitled to anything as a guest at a wedding. You seem upset/offended to not be attending during the day time but at the end of the day that's the decision the bride and groom have made. Either attend if you want to or don't if you don't, you don't have to do anything you don't want to

Delphiniumandlupins · 20/04/2024 18:56

Unless it is somewhere you would like to visit for at least a day, and the wedding reception would just be an evening activity, then of course you can decline. You can explain that it's too far to travel/too expensive for just the evening if you want.

lap90 · 20/04/2024 19:10

I'd send regrets.

The first evening do i paid travel and accommodation for was also the last.

It's just not worth it.

Lml199 · 20/04/2024 19:18

When I was married I extended evening invites only to colleagues, certainly not friends. I think you consider them more a friend than they do you. If it was down the road i’d tell you to go, but for a 200 mile trip I’d absolutely say don’t even think about it. Send your best wishes and move on.

LlynTegid · 20/04/2024 19:21

I'd politely decline.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/04/2024 19:23

What did you decide OP?

I’d decline. It’s fairly hurtful invite.

FollowTheFuckingInstructions · 20/04/2024 19:28

You mention your heritage - do you think they're racist, is that why you mentioned it?

Jins · 20/04/2024 19:38

We travelled 200 miles for an evening invitation once and it was great. Nice part of the country and we made a weekend of it. I’d known the bride since she was a baby and I’m great friends with her mum but didn’t expect an invitation at all and was delighted to join them for a few hours.

Conversely I declined an evening invitation in a venue less than half a mile from my home because I’m not actually that keen on the couple involved 🤣

Nowadays I decline full day invitations and ask if I can just attend in the evening. It’s all on a case by case basis

RadFs · 20/04/2024 20:53

I’d be straight up and tell her that you’d have rather been at the actual wedding.

theholesinmyapologies · 20/04/2024 22:03

She says she thinks of you as a 'sister' and then gives you an evening invite when you lives so far away?

Pretty poor way to treat a 'sister'. I wouldn't go.

Lizzieeeeee · 20/04/2024 22:21

I would definitely be hurt if I didn’t even make a close friend’s top 100 list!
Is there any chance she has sent the wrong invite in error?!

milveycrohn · 21/04/2024 07:53

"I don’t understand how people can expect people to travel 200 hundred miles and shell out a few hundred quid for only a few hours."
They probably expect the OP to refuse, but can say they were invited.
I would only go to an evening invite if it was in the same town.

Eddielizzard · 21/04/2024 07:56

Being a b-list guest means you can give a b-list response. Absolutely no.

Happyasapiginmuck1 · 21/04/2024 07:57

Stay at a cheaper hotel, get a train, make a weekend of it and do some nice things with your other friend the rest of the time. Life is too short to worry about it and enjoy spending time with your other friend.

TheMixedGirl · 21/04/2024 08:04

Was recently invited to the evening wedding do of someone I considered quite a good friend. I was a bit disappointed we weren't invited to the whole thing and we did go to the evening affair bur it's only bec it was a 20/30 min drive from home. If we had to fork out for a room or anything I wouldn't have bothered.

I'll be honest in future I won't be going to the evening part unless I'm invited to the whole thing. It takes up a lot of time getting ready etc.

WaitingforCheese · 21/04/2024 08:12

I’m in the north east and had to see where was 200 miles away - London. And that’s a least a direct train.
I imagine it could be quite easily a complicated train journey or a long drive.
I’d just decline. I mean you could make a weekend of if etc but then it makes it seems okay to invite someone to an evening do that distance away, and I don’t think it is.