To still go on holiday whilst Dad is unwell

[Dinoswearunderpants]

It's such a subjective question and I just don't know what to do, please be kind as I'm struggling loads.

We're due to fly to Orlando tomorrow for little ones 3rd birthday. However my Dad is really poorly.

He's been in/out of the hospital for the last 18 months. He's really unwell currently fighting a bad injection.

He's stable but so unwell. He could make a recovery or he could not.

He is adamant we still go on holiday. He doesn't want his grandson missing out. I've explained we could move it to another time but he even shouted at me today saying I must go.

I feel so conficted. I don't want to go against his wishes but also if the worse happened, how could I forgive myself.

I just don't know what to do. I could fly home if he has a turn but I might not make it back in time.

Or he could be getting all the rest he needs whilst we're away and I can see him when we return and perk him up with all the nice stories etc.

WWYD.

i personally wouldn't go. i spent 5 months during lockdown with my oxygen dependent father who was declining. when airports opened he told me to go home to my husband as we had been apart for so long. i knew my dad was very sick and i probably wouldn't see him again but i live abroad and that's just the way it is. i didn't expect him however to die just two weeks after i left. i still cannot forgive myself and don't think i ever will.

It’s so hard to say cos it depends on so many things

what do his doctors say? Are they talking like he might not make it, and if he doesn’t that will happen quickly?

I think if he’s acutely unwell right now, as in he might pass away in next few days, I would postpone if I could. LO is only 3 - there will be other DisneyWorld trips.

BUT if he’s very unwell but expected to recover OK. AND You have other family around who can visit him etc… then I suggest you go. AND you think you will benefit from the break. Then I would go.

You could postpone, but will he be any better later in the year? You say he’s been in and out last 18 months. At some point you have to take the view that your life can’t also be on hold indefinitely. Go and have a break as a family. Recharge. You could have difficult times ahead

I hope your Dad is OK.

I don't understand the new norm that life must almost stop for a dying relative. People don't have to be surrounded by family when they die - for me, it's the last thing I'd want. Enjoy your holiday, and if he dies while you're away then continue to enjoy your holiday and don't fly back early.

Your family's memories of happy childhoods will definitely include good holidays, but they are very unlikely to include deathbed vigils.

Ask his nursing staff their honest opinions. Someone did this when they were due to fly out for a long weekend to Paris and I did say that although he could perk up, I was concerned her father was end of life and wouldn’t recommend going.
He died two nights later.

medical staff can’t always be accurate but they can give a good reasoned guess that will likely be in the ballpark.

There's no right or wrong answer. I had this dilemma when my dad was seriously ill with cancer. I had a month of European travel booked (booked before he was diagnosed) for the summer after uni.
I almost didn't go - but my dad was so upset that I wouldn't travel because of him, that I ended up going. Spoke to him every day, and my mum said that hearing about what I was up to gave him something positive to to hear amongst the hospital appointments and bad times.
He died a couple of weeks after I got home. Still mixed feelings about whether I should have stayed and spent more time with him, or gone and given him nice daily stories.

As a parent, I'd want my (grown up) child to go and have an amazing time.

As a (grown up) child who missed her mum dying by mere minutes, I'd be hanging around like a bad smell.

I think prognosis is important, is he expected to get better?

Would you be able to get home in an emergency? Who will be with your dad whilst you are away?

If it we me, I'd be staying but only because I have experienced not being there when a parent died and that does cloud my vision

** my mum wasn't poorly, she died suddenly so realistically I had little chance of getting to her but I wish I was there before.

You're probably conflicted because you're in the middle. You've said you can move it so your son won't entirely miss out. Your Dad has shouted at you to go, so that's clear.

How do you feel? Put yourself first. Have you spent all of the time with him that you want? What if you didn't see him again, what would you think? That you'd said everything you needed to say, or that you wish you'd postponed the holiday?

It's so tough. Life does go on and we can't put everything on hold waiting for the inevitable, but sometimes we do need just a little bit more time.

And definitely ask the medics.

It's not her second cousin, it's her dad.

And most people want to be with those closest to them when they are ill and / or close to death.

I find your stance more strange to be honest.

I don't envy you the decision OP. But, having been in similar circumstances recently I wished I had gone.
predicting end of life seems a very inexact science, my relative was “last few days” for nearly 3 months…I think if your dad is saying go, then go. Particularly if there is lots of other family about.

Has he got support if you go away?

Aw it's such a hard one. I think if you can postpone you should as you are going to have it on your mind all holiday and you won't be able to relax.

I think it comes down to what you'd regret more. Going and something happening or not going and feeling like you'd missed out on a holiday (which you can change anyway). I don't think there is a right or wrong so just look at what you'd rather regret.

Aside from the should you/shouldn't you go - it's worth giving thought to your insurance...

If you go, and need to come back urgently, your insurance is unlikely to pay out (as you travelled in the knowledge that your dad was unwell). But if you don't go on the basis that your dad is unwell, you may well be able to claim on your insurance (and therefore go another time). Double check your policy though, including what proof you might need to make a claim.

I have several Siblings. When my dm was very poorly in hospital we all discussed what we do about holidays we had booked.
We were all going at different times so DM would always have someone there and we decided to keep our holidays.

She passed away a few days in to our holidays. My dsis called to say they'd been called in urgently and a machine was keeping her alive which they said was upsetting to watch. once there hospital offered to keep her on the machine if I wanted to travel back to be with her. Had she been on her own I probably would have but all Dsibs were there and few of her grandkids, and it didn't feel right to keep her the machine unnecessarily.
I feel no guilt that i wasn't there x x

If you can move the holiday, move it. Your little one is only 3 - chances are they wouldn't remember the move anyway.
You think you need to be there for your Dad, so be there.
I still have my Dad, thankfully, but he was very ill 'touch and go' for about a month, last year. I didn't go to the Rugby World Cup, because they thought he might be on his last legs. I don't regret it. He perked up (the auld bugger!), and pulled through.
Just think of it this way - what would you regret missing more? A rescheduled holiday, or your Dad's last days?

I would go personally but only because I had his blessing and only if there were other family members around to support him and visit him whilst I was away.

Honestly, however hard it is for you, go. He wants you to go.

Go see him the day before you fly give him a big hug and say you'll tell him all about it when you are back. If the ultimate happens whilst you're away, there isn't actually anything you could have done and you are following his wishes.

I was in a very similar position, in my case they died 9 hours after I landed back in the U.K. but as they were already unconscious I decided to have my last memory as the hug before I left for the airport (I went on the way).

It's really tough I know but ultimately your dad want you to give your son an amazing birthday, he's the future. Hugs op

I understand how you feel but you should go on the holiday. If the worst happens then it happens while you are away. He could be around for much longer and you don’t want your life to be on hold until then. Another thing, is your perception of time is really different to your children, so cancelling a holiday won’t make much difference to you but it will be a much bigger deal to them. He is stable. Go.

That’s sounds very cold and hard hearted imo!

Eh?? Am I reading this right?

This. And your DC is only 3. If you can cancel without financial loss, much more sensible to go when they're older.

The last couple of times I've bought travel insurance, one of the first things they've said to me is that if I have a close relative dealing with a terminal condition, my insurance won't cover the costs should I have to cancel or fly home due to them.

Whilst my mother was still alive, I used Booking.com for hotels that I could cancel up to 24hrs before check-in & be willing to sacrifice money spent on flights if necessary.

I was cabin crew and I did an East Coast flight while my husband was recovering from an operation. He was fine when I left, but when I phoned him when I arrived he sounded bad. He went downhill every time I phoned. By the time I got home two days after I’d gone, he had sepsis and was being prepared for emergency surgery. I’d not do it again.
My friend went on holiday while her father was very ill, at his insistence, but didn’t enjoy a moment of it. While there’s nothing you can do if you’re with your father, you have to be a pretty tough cookie to not want to be there as much as you can. I don’t regret any of the time I spent with him when my dad was dying and I don’t regret the things I didn’t do to be there.

Firstly are you flying from the Uk? So long haul.
If you think he quite possibly may not pull through this time then I might postpone this trip at least till he is over the worst. Your son's 3rd birthday is completely irrelevant I feel and shouldn't be part of the reason you choose to go.

However in the slightly longer term, say during the next 6/12 months, even if he does pull through this episode you will still have to decide whether you are going to accept the risk of venturing a certain distance from home or not, and know that you can't be in control of when your father ultimately leaves you.

If your father is going to be ill off and on for the next couple of years do you, and also does he also think that it's reasonable to never go anywhere and experience things will your young child.

I personally will choose to continue going places unless at the time of departure there is a higher risk than usual. I feel that my parents would be happy this way, as would I if it were my child.

This is because life and relationships are made up of the everyday things, not the one off events. Your relationship with your father, how much you cared for him and loved him are not in any way diminished by a choice you made in good faith that may or may not lead to being unable to be beside him in his last moments.

If he's said for you to go and you still want to, just go without feeling guilty.