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Original poster

To still go on holiday whilst Dad is unwell

101 replies

Dinoswearunderpants · 16/04/2024 14:23

It's such a subjective question and I just don't know what to do, please be kind as I'm struggling loads.

We're due to fly to Orlando tomorrow for little ones 3rd birthday. However my Dad is really poorly.

He's been in/out of the hospital for the last 18 months. He's really unwell currently fighting a bad injection.

He's stable but so unwell. He could make a recovery or he could not.

He is adamant we still go on holiday. He doesn't want his grandson missing out. I've explained we could move it to another time but he even shouted at me today saying I must go.

I feel so conficted. I don't want to go against his wishes but also if the worse happened, how could I forgive myself.

I just don't know what to do. I could fly home if he has a turn but I might not make it back in time.

Or he could be getting all the rest he needs whilst we're away and I can see him when we return and perk him up with all the nice stories etc.

WWYD.

OP posts:
PurpleSpottedLeopard · 16/04/2024 15:24

Hello I’m so sorry that you are going through this. We were in a similar situation last year with my FIL and we decided to go, all be it to Europe so significantly closer. It worked out for us and that week away was a happy little pocket of time in an otherwise awful period. FIL loved getting a postcard and seeing photos when we got back. However it so easily could have gone the other way and that’s something that you need to be able to make your peace with if you do decide to go. The things we did to make it feel slightly easier to go were:

  • We went to see FIL on the way to the airport.
  • We made it very clear to MIL that we didn’t want shielding from anything and we needed to know of any changes in FIL’s condition.
  • We looked at how frequent flights back to the UK were.
  • We made sure that we had easy access to enough money for a last minute flight for just DH so he could get back with as little stress as possible if needed.
I hope that you manage to make the right decision for you. It really is hard balancing all of the emotions around something like this so sending you a hug. And if this is what you need to hear you are not an awful daughter if you decide to go and not an awful mum if you decide to stay. ❤️
TheTripThatWasnt · 16/04/2024 15:53

MenopauseSucks · 16/04/2024 15:04

The last couple of times I've bought travel insurance, one of the first things they've said to me is that if I have a close relative dealing with a terminal condition, my insurance won't cover the costs should I have to cancel or fly home due to them.

Whilst my mother was still alive, I used Booking.com for hotels that I could cancel up to 24hrs before check-in & be willing to sacrifice money spent on flights if necessary.

Show quote history

That's true, but does depend on whether the specific condition which OP's dad now has was known about at the time of booking the holiday (or taking out the insurance maybe?).

If the holiday was booked when OP's dad was well, with no reason to think he'd be a cause to cancel, then there shouldn't be an issue. She just says he has been in and out of hospital - that's not the same as a terminal diagnosis.

Either way, it's worth checking with the insurance.

FreeTheBeast · 16/04/2024 15:53

Maybe go. It what your Dad wants. Are there other people around to support him? Some people don't want people around when they die. Is he well enough to look at photos or to FaceTime?
He might hate the thought that you stay and then be sitting around waiting for him to die.

Original poster
Dinoswearunderpants · 16/04/2024 16:12

Thanks so much for the responses. I haven't called my insurance as I've called before in a similar situation and they simply say about its down to the underwriters.

Money isn't too much of a concern at the moment as if we lose the money, then that's it.

Dad has lots of people checking in on him. In fact, too many. He's not resting when people are there so perhaps rest wise, it'll help having one less person there.

We spoke with his nurse today who said whilst he is unwell, he is optimistic on his recovery. This infection is really hard right now but today he is so much better than yesterday.

Visiting times don't start until 1030 so technically I can't see him before I leave but I might ask if they'd let me see him briefly in the morning.

Its so hard as I know his wishes. Of course, I won't have the amazing time I'd planned but my son will (and thats what makes his Pop Pops happy).

I think we've cancelled holidays before when he was having surgery and it's so hard to balance continuing to live a life but wanting to be by his side.

OP posts:
takemeawayagain · 16/04/2024 16:21

You're unintentionally going to make him feel bad and guilty if you don't go, he really wants you to and I think you need to respect his wishes. I think it would be selfish of you not to go, put your dad and your child first. Send him lots of pics of your ds having the best time.

Original poster
Dinoswearunderpants · 16/04/2024 16:25

takemeawayagain · 16/04/2024 16:21

You're unintentionally going to make him feel bad and guilty if you don't go, he really wants you to and I think you need to respect his wishes. I think it would be selfish of you not to go, put your dad and your child first. Send him lots of pics of your ds having the best time.

That's kind of the tough love I need. I know I need to go. If I don't go, it's because of me. About how I feel about leaving him.

I just hope I go, come back and get to tell him all the wonderful stories.

My Dad is my World so its so difficult.

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 16/04/2024 16:40

Sorry to answer having read only the OP, but this jumped out at me:

"He is adamant we still go on holiday. He doesn't want his grandson missing out. I've explained we could move it to another time but he even shouted at me today saying I must go."

Do as he says, and go on holiday. What does it say to him if you don't? It says that you think his death is imminent. Cancelling/delaying your holiday will frighten him. Go!

Tracker1234 · 16/04/2024 16:53

I have been through this. Have been out of the country for work and leisure when both parents have been unwell. In the end I was here for both parents. If you go and get the 'call' soon after you arrive and would you come back potentially with the insurance company telling you you are not covered.

As others say - ask for a honest opinion of his condition. I wasnt there for the final moments in both cases but saw parent less than 24 hours before they passed telling them I would be back with their Clarins perfume they wanted me to get. I knew we were close to death but honestly the NHS can patch people up (even when its not necessarily in the patients favour but that is a whole other thread). We had already said no unnessary interventions whatsoever and no more going into hospital which was a complete hell hole. I didnt want their last few days in that sort of place with no privacy.

Many years ago when my grandmother was passing away the nurses pulled round the curtains but it didnt stop some out of control child pulling the curtains back and shouting boo rentlessly until I told her off. The parents then stormed in telling me she was very upset...

VictoriaEra · 16/04/2024 16:57

DragonGypsyDoris · 16/04/2024 14:34

I don't understand the new norm that life must almost stop for a dying relative. People don't have to be surrounded by family when they die - for me, it's the last thing I'd want. Enjoy your holiday, and if he dies while you're away then continue to enjoy your holiday and don't fly back early.

Your family's memories of happy childhoods will definitely include good holidays, but they are very unlikely to include deathbed vigils.

Really harsh and selfish

HOTD7383 · 16/04/2024 16:57

DragonGypsyDoris · 16/04/2024 14:34

I don't understand the new norm that life must almost stop for a dying relative. People don't have to be surrounded by family when they die - for me, it's the last thing I'd want. Enjoy your holiday, and if he dies while you're away then continue to enjoy your holiday and don't fly back early.

Your family's memories of happy childhoods will definitely include good holidays, but they are very unlikely to include deathbed vigils.

What a fucking horrible, nasty mentality.

Flossflower · 16/04/2024 17:39

I think you should do as your Dad wishes and go on holiday. I would not want my children or grandchildren missing out if I was ill.
You will probably not get any money back from an insurance company.
My previous next door neighbour cancelled her holiday because her mother was ill. She then didn’t have another holiday for years as her mother kept being ill. Her mother kept telling her to go away.

BuyOrBake · 16/04/2024 18:42

DragonGypsyDoris · 16/04/2024 14:34

I don't understand the new norm that life must almost stop for a dying relative. People don't have to be surrounded by family when they die - for me, it's the last thing I'd want. Enjoy your holiday, and if he dies while you're away then continue to enjoy your holiday and don't fly back early.

Your family's memories of happy childhoods will definitely include good holidays, but they are very unlikely to include deathbed vigils.

Wow, that's cold!

ClareBlue · 16/04/2024 18:58

Not going on holiday isn't 'putting your life on hold' as people keep saying. But I think that the main thing is how much he wants you to go. He will feel bad if you don't and probably think you know something he doesn't about his illness. But holidays can be booked at anytime in your life, if it's important to be at the side of a dying relative when it happens, that's only once. It's tough and not that uncommon for people to gave this decision to make. I would go as it us wish and there are others around. If completely on his own, I would stay.

Cherryon · 16/04/2024 19:01

I’d go. You offered not to and he is serious about you going anyway, so take him at his word and go.

ClareBlue · 16/04/2024 19:01

DragonGypsyDoris · 16/04/2024 14:34

I don't understand the new norm that life must almost stop for a dying relative. People don't have to be surrounded by family when they die - for me, it's the last thing I'd want. Enjoy your holiday, and if he dies while you're away then continue to enjoy your holiday and don't fly back early.

Your family's memories of happy childhoods will definitely include good holidays, but they are very unlikely to include deathbed vigils.

If you think it is a new norm then you are deluded. Being with a relative when they pass is established cultural norm since..Well since ever. You are on the wind up.

noctilucentcloud · 16/04/2024 19:11

If you decide to go, you can also keep in touch while you're away and send a few photos through WhatsApp or facetime/zoom at some point. I'm sure he'd love those updates as well as hearing about it afterwards. Making sure you have facetime/zoom/equivalent could also be an option if he did take a turn for the worse and you weren't able to get back in time.

helpfulperson · 16/04/2024 19:52

Many, many people aren't with their parents when they die. Especially now when so many people live on the opposite side of the world. Ask anyone who works in a care home. It's actually fairly unusual despite what MN suggests.

Whether you go on holiday or not won't change the outcome and he wants you to go. Hopefully he will be ok and will enjoy the tales and photos when you come back. In your situation I would go.

FreeTheBeast · 16/04/2024 21:42

My Dad definitely didn't want people around when he died. I saw him everyday when he was dying but he didn't want anyone else. He was very clear about it and it made everything easy for everyone. He knew he was dying but didn't want last goodbyes with people. Our family get a lot of comfort that we did what he wanted.

None of us can know how we will feel until we are in the situation ourselves.

kaben · 16/04/2024 21:51

Your dad wants you to go. I’d want my kids to go as well. I would hate them to not have a great experience because I was in hospital. It might be different if he was begging you to stay and was terrified - but he isn’t. It will make him happy for you to go. Even if the worst happened, you would have been honouring his wishes.

Zanatdy · 16/04/2024 21:57

It’s so hard to know what to do. If he’s asking you to go maybe you should. My dad was dying for 8 months and 3 times I was called as they thought it was going to happen and I travelled 250 miles each time. In the end he died when my mum went down for her breakfast one morning and no-one was there. We went to NYC (my mum and my eldest) when my dad was in hospital but he was recovering and told us to go. It would have been awful if he had died when we were there, or trying to get back in time. But thankfully he didn’t but we were all worried every day and didn’t enjoy it fully

Original poster
Dinoswearunderpants · 17/04/2024 07:57

We've decided to cancel. Such a weight off my shoulders. I want to respect my Dad's wishes but I love him so much, if the worse happened whilst we're away I'd never get over it.

OP posts:
FreeTheBeast · 17/04/2024 08:16

Dinoswearunderpants · 17/04/2024 07:57

We've decided to cancel. Such a weight off my shoulders. I want to respect my Dad's wishes but I love him so much, if the worse happened whilst we're away I'd never get over it.

That's good that you've made the decision. There was no right or wrong answer but it sounds like the right one for you and your family. Hope everything goes ok.

Saymyname28 · 17/04/2024 08:20

Go, follow his wishes, I imagine he already feels shit enough without being the reason his grandchild misses out on a holiday. You won't make him feel any better by staying

Time4achangeithink · 17/04/2024 08:20

fourelementary · 16/04/2024 14:35

Ask his nursing staff their honest opinions. Someone did this when they were due to fly out for a long weekend to Paris and I did say that although he could perk up, I was concerned her father was end of life and wouldn’t recommend going.
He died two nights later.

medical staff can’t always be accurate but they can give a good reasoned guess that will likely be in the ballpark.

Yep for sure it's true what you say they can't always be accurate. They told us my nan had a day or two to live.. 4 months later she's still here and out of hospital

Original poster
Dinoswearunderpants · 18/04/2024 23:08

We made the right decision. My darling Daddy passed away tonight. My World is broken.

OP posts: