AIBU to cancel on a friend's wedding after accepting the invitation

[Confusedwedding]

Hi everyone, just wanted to get a few extra opinions on this before I make decision.

About a month ago, I got a wedding invitation from a friend. She's an old university fried who I haven't seen much over the last few years as we've both moved around but we are still on good terms. At the time I accepted in invitation as I was happy for her but now I'm starting to have second thoughts.

Firstly, I am only invited to the evening reception from 7pm-12am. I'm not upset by this as we aren't that close but the venue is a good three hours from me so it's quite a long way to go for four hours.

As well as this, the venue itself is in a small village about 20 miles from the nearest town so I will need to book a hotel, train (I don't drive) and then a taxi from (and probably to) the venue back into the town I'll have to stay in. This is probably going to come to nearly £200 and that's before I've even spent anything else. On the day of the wedding there is also tube strikes (I'll be travelling through London) adding another layer of difficulty to the journey.

I'm guessing there will be other people from our social circle invited that I could split costs with, I don't want to ask them though in case they aren't and it makes things awkward. This is another thing I'm concerned about if I get there and don't know any of the other guests.

Basically I'm now second guessing if it's even worth it and letting my friend know I can't go anymore. The invitation said RSVP by late March and it's now early April but I can't imagine they will have made provisions for me (e.g. meal) if I'm only invited to the evening do.

My friend is quite laid back so don't know if she'd be that bothered but I also know if the roles were reversed she would make an effort to get to my wedding even if just an evening guest three hours away. Also a wedding is quite an important thing to skip out on last minute so she may feel differently about it.

I've asked a few friends what they think I should do and quite a few said they think I should cancel but others have said I should still attend as I said I would. I just wanted to find out from people not connected to the situation if IABU by cancelling now.

[Nonentitynumpty]

You have your excuse reason right there - it's in a difficult to get to village, you don't drive, and there's going to be a train strike on the day you travel ...

[LoobyDop]

Not really ok to cancel once you’ve accepted, but you could ask your friend who else you’ll know, and then get in touch with them to see if you can travel together, stay in the same place, etc.

[TonTonMacoute]

Cancel, you think it's going to be a hassle and you won't have a chance to chat to her much.

Let her know ASAP so she can make other arrangements, just say 'sorry, can't make it after all, but I would love to meet up another time for a catch up'.

[User79853257976]

I can see why you would cancel. It’s not really fair to invite someone to the evening only if they live that far away. Maybe it was a courtesy invite.

[DanceMove]

Honestly, I don't think anyone ever expects someone to travel a long distance and pay for overnight accommodation for an evening invitation. I think it's a nice way of saying 'I still value your friendship and would love, if you're able to do it without endless faff or expense, you to be there, but don't worry if not'.

[Elephantswillnever]

In an ideal world you’d of considered those things earlier and politely declined. Now you have to apologise and, or at least I would, send a gift.

[Peonies12]

Honestly, I doubt she expected you to come. We only invited local guests to our evening. I'd never travel far for an evening. It's fine to cancel, as you say, it's not like you'd be on the table plan or getting a meal. But i would send a card and gift.

[ExtraOnions]

Why not just message “ Tube strike is making the logistics really hard, is anyone from round here going, to see if they want to share transport?”

[TunaCrunchy]

I think it’s fine to say you now can’t come because of a tube strike.

[bellezarara]

OMG do cancel. That is an enormous amount of money to pay for an evening invite.

[Londonrach1]

You have an excuse...train strikes. It be impossible to get there so phone and apologize

[WhiteLeopard]

Personally I'd go as I love a wedding / night away and it will mean a lot to your friend. It does partly depend on whether you can easily afford the cost though.

[SevenSeasOfRhye]

It's an evening do so unlikely you'll have been specifically catered for; I would cancel now with apologies; explaining the transport issues, so your friend has time to invite someone else.

[iLovee]

You are making this into a much bigger deal then it needs to be, please don't worry!

Evening guests are relatively cheap in terms of wedding expenses. If you cba to go (and i don't blame you!!) Just let them know- they can either invite someone else or not include you in final numbers.

In the nicest way possible- its not like you are the MOH, I'm sure they will be disappointed you aren't there but it won't ruin the day.

Or go and have a nice time! Especially if you could share a lift/a room with someone to lower the costs.

[pikkumyy77]

Yes its OK to cancel. Just do it quickly.

[Noyesnoyes]

Cancel but do it asap

[QueenofTheBorg]

Don't go, it doesn't sound like it'll be amazing, it'll be expensive and it's evening only. Life's too short!

[Lavender14]

It depends on if you can afford it and if you think the cost is worth it in the context of your income/ other outgoings.

If you have the means I'd probably try to go and stay over and maybe ask the bride if any of your uni friends are going because you're looking into accommodation.

If not and it's too expensive then I'd let her know that you can't afford it and transport is proving impossible. And let her know ASAP.

Personaly id decline and I'd offer to do something lovely with her at another point and send a gift.

[FiveFollies]

I was in the exact same situation a few years ago. The bride was an old friend from university who by that point and for various reasons I'd not seen for at least seven years (and had never met her fiance.) I felt guilty about all of this so stupidly accepted the invitation even though it was a) a three hour train ride, b) plus a half hour taxi ride from hotel as was in the middle of nowhere, c) hotel and wedding gift etc. I had no plus one and when I turned up found I knew nobody at the reception. It was very awkward and I felt really stupid spending all that money. I haven't seen or heard from the bride since. Do not feel guilty about not going.

[quizzys]

" Hi Jane, just to let you know that due to unforeseen circumstances I now can't make it to the evening part of your wedding. I hope you all have a fabulous day, and looking forward to meeting up with you at a later date to hear all about it. Love xx"

Send this with a gift. I wouldn't go either, and as others have said the evening part is not as guest critical as the full reception.

[IhateSPSS]

I got married recently and some of the evening guests didn't even bother replying - if you cancel with notice that's fine. People always under cater in the evening anyway to accommodate drop outs. Just email her and say I can't come now but thanks for the invite.

[mamajong]

If you don't want to go, don't, but other than the tube strikes you surely must've known the rest before accepting so yab a bit u for not just declining from the outset. Its minor though, you shouldn't force yourself to go to an social engagement you don't want to attend, just tell her now she she has time to invite someone else in your place

[Mrsjayy]

Just let her know ASAP she can probably say to whoever is catering in case its rolls or whatever at night, just make an excuse and apologise and send them a card.

[imforeverblowingbuttons]

Evening guest is far less a grief than day. I would explain transport issues

[WaitingforCheese]

I’m not a fan for travelling for night dos, if it was in DHs home town and staying at his parents that’s fine, and we’d make it a visit to them as well.
I remember DH going to a colleagues one the other side of the country, but they car pooled and stayed somewhere cheap and made a weekend of it.
In your circumstances, not worth the money.