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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

354 replies

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:30

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

OP posts:
Trulyme · 15/04/2024 20:21

IDontOftenComment · 15/04/2024 19:39

You don’t seem to make any allowance for his mental state, instead you're throwing his absence back in his face. He obviously had his reasons, he’s entitled to carefully consider the future as you seem to have a very aggressive attitude. He’s doing his best to be a father to his child, don’t spoil it.

What about OPs mental state?

Does she also get to fuck off for a year and assume that someone else is going to make sure her child is fed, clothed and cared for every day.

There is absolutely no excuse for abandoning a child and I’m shocked you would think that it’s ok.

OP has been incredibly forgiving and is doing what is best for the child by allowing this man to be involved, of which he is doing the bare minimum and nothing compared to what OP has done/is doing.

He’s not doing his best to be a father when he’s not sure he wants to be on the BC and make it official is he?

Butterflytown · 15/04/2024 20:21

Rebusmyfire · 15/04/2024 13:42

You can have the father on the birth cert married or nor

Show quote history

If the father is not present when the birth is registered, they can only be on the birth certificate if they’re married to the mother registering the birth. The OP said her DP (not DH) had gone awol so she couldn’t have included him when she registered the birth, alone. As at the time of registration, he’d need to be present to be added to the birth certificate at a later date.

sorry to hear you’re going through this OP.

HollyKnight · 15/04/2024 20:22

He's treating being a father as a voluntary arrangement. Something he can walk away from. He doesn't want to sign her birth certificate because that would be accepting legal responsibility. He doesn't want that. He wants to be able to wash his hands of her if the going gets tough again. The way things are at the moment, all he has to do is pay CM.

TruthorDie · 15/04/2024 20:25

IDontOftenComment · 15/04/2024 19:39

You don’t seem to make any allowance for his mental state, instead you're throwing his absence back in his face. He obviously had his reasons, he’s entitled to carefully consider the future as you seem to have a very aggressive attitude. He’s doing his best to be a father to his child, don’t spoil it.

Aaah, his mums turned up! Your son and men like him, are partly like this because you excuse away rather than challenging their pathetic and self indulgent ways

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 20:30

TruthorDie · 15/04/2024 20:25

Aaah, his mums turned up! Your son and men like him, are partly like this because you excuse away rather than challenging their pathetic and self indulgent ways

Show quote history

@TruthorDie this made me smile for the first time since I posted this today, thank you 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 20:32

@TeaGinandFags @PurpleElf thank you both for such kind words. Just tried to do my best for her every step of the way. He’s made it so hard.

OP posts:
TheSnakeCharmer · 15/04/2024 20:53

Honestly, I would have breezily said, "not to worry, i'll add someone else on it instead!" And walked off. What does he expect...it just to remain blank? Honestly, what a wanker.

TheRainItRaineth · 15/04/2024 20:54

Honestly, I would not ask again and I would step back contact a bit. It will be very upsetting for your daughter if he disappears on her too.

EricHebbornInItaly · 15/04/2024 20:58

pikkumyy77 · 15/04/2024 14:10

This is just the straw that breaks the camel’s back. He is profoundly frightened and selfish. He can only accept responsibility in tiny bites. He does not have the emotional intelligence to recognize how damaging his stance is to his daughter or the symbolic gift you are trying to give him. Its an honor to be in her life. But ti him its just an option.

Edited
Show quote history

This in spades

Redpaisley · 15/04/2024 20:58

What was his mental breakdown? Was it due to serious mental health or he just had cold feet about fatherhood?

If he has mental health issues, could it be that he is an over thinker, anxious type and wants to think through everything. I agree it's not nice that he was not excited about his name being on his child's birth certificate.

You know him better, you can ask him directly or just not mention adding his name again if you think he is not bothered. Sad that he wants to think about it.

Southeastmumma · 15/04/2024 21:03

I think you're insane for wanting him on it. Keep things as they are. Potentially unstable dad having parental responsibility is best avoided. Or revisit this in a few years at least

TheSnakeCharmer · 15/04/2024 21:04

If it makes you feel any better, my friend's husband developed pnd after she gave birth. He has to go and stay with his mother for weeks at a time for a break from his baby because the crying disrupted his sleep (not that he got up in the night or anything). He stays with his mother most weekends to get a break. He has never been on holiday with his wife or child because to do so wouldn't be relaxing. His daughter is 6 now! I don't think that he's ever changed a nappy. He doesn't work. His wife has a stressful job, but she's not allowed to discuss it with him as he finds the talk of anything stressful triggering. He doesn't cook or clean either. Naturally she's not allowed to being this up, lest it upset him. He's just an over indulged man child. I mean, it's one thing having mental health issues, but to not try and do anything productive to help yourself and simply avoid anything that causes you stress or annoyance is not facing up to things. Women don't tend to have the same luxury.

Despair1 · 15/04/2024 21:07

Yes, this could all be tied up with his mental breakdown. I am not trying to undermine the enormity of what has happened in the past but he is engaged and involved in his parental responsibilities right now. I can understand why you are upset about his comments, I certainly would be,
Perhaps you could ask him why he felt he had to hesitate in having name on birth certificate?
Mental health can cause people to act in very peculiar ways, I talk from experience

PastaBaby2024 · 15/04/2024 21:08

I think the fact that he is not on the birth certificate is a massive blessing. If he had PR, you wouldn't be able to take a holiday abroad EVER without his written permission (and what if he goes AWOL again, you wouldn't be able to even reach him to ask), you couldn't take a job in a different part of the country without his permission etc.

Having him on the BC is only an advantage if he is a good, responsible, reliable co-parent. Fuck him. Take your freedom!

Isthatarealname · 15/04/2024 21:17

I imagine this has been asked but I've only read the OP replies. Are you sure he isn't married? I feel like that would explain a lot of his behaviour

YeahComeOnThen · 15/04/2024 21:21

@wooldryxptto

I'm sorry he's put you through so much.

I don't understand why it's so important to you that he's on her BC.

when she's old enough, depending on how their relationship goes you can say he was unreliable & to protect her you didn't allow him to have parental responsibility, if it goes well you can just say Dad was very unwell when she was born and he couldn't go to the registrar. Both are true.

things like overnights & you not wanting him to have her o/n unless on her BC - why?? It makes no difference at all.

NOT having a Father on her BC is not shameful it's 2024. Other than giving him PR (& potentially just causing YOU hassle) having him on her BC means nothing.

stop winding yourself up about it. Do yourself (&DD) a big favour & keep him off it, then YOU have 100% control over where she lives, travels, goes to school, any health issues. Everything.

imagine having to allow him 50% of a day in any medical situation when maybe he sees her a couple of times a year.

dont say 'he wouldn't do that'. Did you think he would vanish when you were pregnant or not want to see her for a year??

think very carefully what you're wishing for.

Barney16 · 15/04/2024 21:23

Like many have already mentioned he seems to shy away from responsibility. In his head paying financially is ok because that's just a transaction and has no emotional connotation. He's just giving money. However he has made an effort as you describe to see her and get to know her so the possibility of taking complete responsibility may be there. He could be working his way towards it. I would be absolutely raging but one way of approaching it may be to just leave it for a few months and see what happens. He hasn't turned out to be the father you want for your child and that's sad but you sound amazing and how very lucky she is to have you.

JennyForeigner · 15/04/2024 21:27

TheSnakeCharmer · 15/04/2024 21:04

If it makes you feel any better, my friend's husband developed pnd after she gave birth. He has to go and stay with his mother for weeks at a time for a break from his baby because the crying disrupted his sleep (not that he got up in the night or anything). He stays with his mother most weekends to get a break. He has never been on holiday with his wife or child because to do so wouldn't be relaxing. His daughter is 6 now! I don't think that he's ever changed a nappy. He doesn't work. His wife has a stressful job, but she's not allowed to discuss it with him as he finds the talk of anything stressful triggering. He doesn't cook or clean either. Naturally she's not allowed to being this up, lest it upset him. He's just an over indulged man child. I mean, it's one thing having mental health issues, but to not try and do anything productive to help yourself and simply avoid anything that causes you stress or annoyance is not facing up to things. Women don't tend to have the same luxury.

Grinding my teeth so hard at this.

My friend was in the same position. Husband refused to acknowledge his child for years as to do so gave him anxiety and then flipped into massive pressuring and bullying a gentle academic little boy into being some kind of private school sports jock. Horrible to see.

whynotwhatknot · 15/04/2024 21:35

youre better off -could legally keep your child if on bc and police cant do anythhing about it

just carry on as you are

Icehockeyflowers · 15/04/2024 21:52

Trickabrick · 15/04/2024 13:49

I get how you feel OP, but could you reframe it as a positive that if he were ever to behave terribly again, him not being on the BC gives him an extra barrier to overcome if he ever tried to assert his parental responsibilities in a way you didn’t agree with? Him not being on it could be beneficial to you at a later date (ie if he wants to take your DD abroad but you’re not keen etc).

This is how I would think about it too tbh.

I don't think that behaving like a father when he feels like it makes him a worthwhile father to have in her life. He walked out on you and on her. He didn't give a damn whether or how you were managing on your own.

You then chased him for maintenance (rightfully) and he pays. This doesn't make him a good father either.

Even if he did have a mental breakdown, the fact that he is now apparently over this breakdown, and isn't BEGGING to be named on his daughter's birth cert shows he hasn't changed. He's obviously worried about money/inheritance/responsibility.

I would not put him on the birth cert. now or ever. He doesn't deserve it.

KestrelMoon · 15/04/2024 21:57

I think he has done a wise thing asking for time to look into it and coming back with an answer later. I think you are taking his desire for informed consent as some kind of personal attack on you. Unless you weren’t asking for consent from him?

Janetime · 15/04/2024 22:08

KestrelMoon · 15/04/2024 21:57

I think he has done a wise thing asking for time to look into it and coming back with an answer later. I think you are taking his desire for informed consent as some kind of personal attack on you. Unless you weren’t asking for consent from him?

What now? He’s the child’s parent . It’s not an informed consent decision. He simply is and has a responsibility. She didn’t say hmm. I need to inform myself before I say I’m the mother.

Noseybookworm · 15/04/2024 22:09

Rebusmyfire · 15/04/2024 13:42

You can have the father on the birth cert married or nor

Show quote history

He can only be on the birth certificate if he is there with you to register the child, if you are not married. OP has already said he wasn't involved at the time.

LittleCharlotte · 15/04/2024 22:17

KestrelMoon · 15/04/2024 21:57

I think he has done a wise thing asking for time to look into it and coming back with an answer later. I think you are taking his desire for informed consent as some kind of personal attack on you. Unless you weren’t asking for consent from him?

He's the father of the child. A wise thing would have been putting a condom on. Prevaricating about being on his own child's birth certificate is not wise.

I'm astonished at the replies to this berating the OP for her "aggression". Shame on those of you who trotted this nonsense out. OP you sound a wonderful mother who will do everything in her power and moreso for her daughter. I don't have any advice beyond that I wish my (step)dad were named on my birth certificate rather than my biological father!

KestrelMoon · 15/04/2024 22:19

Janetime · 15/04/2024 22:08

What now? He’s the child’s parent . It’s not an informed consent decision. He simply is and has a responsibility. She didn’t say hmm. I need to inform myself before I say I’m the mother.

Show quote history

The mother of the child can legally register herself and the father without the father’s consent on the BC. The father cannot register the mother or himself without the mother’s consent and presence for the registration or amendment.

However, OP asked the father if he wanted to be on the BC, she asked for his consent for her to amend the BC.

That is why I asked OP if she was actually asking for his consent?
She didn’t need to, but has given the appearance of asking his consent which implies only adding him if he agrees.