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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

354 replies

wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 13:30

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

OP posts:
Trulyme · 15/04/2024 19:32

Changeusernameseeusernamehistory · 15/04/2024 19:25

Above and beyond??
he paid after OP went to CMS and he visits
I’m guessing he sticks to what CMS tells him to pay.

how is that above and beyond?? Are you serious?

Show quote history

It’s incredibly sad how low the bar is for some women.

If OP acted like he acted the child would be seriously ill, dead or in care.

He’s literally doing the bare minimum and he’s got the nerve to need to think about being on the BC or not and whether he wants to ‘officially’ be apart of his own child life.

Changeusernameseeusernamehistory · 15/04/2024 19:34

Lindalove · 15/04/2024 19:05

He may have had a breakdown because of some childhood trauma or even abuse. People are often reminded of horrible things when they are faced with being a parent. I find it sad he’s not shared what’s gone on.

This happened to me. My childhood made it difficult for me to be a mother. I sought help. I dealt with it.
if he wasn’t ready then to deal with his issues, and seems to be working towards it somehow, then he needs to work on it and work hard at regaining trust. The child is the priority. No blame needs to be apportioned, but the fact is that he’s not the priority in this context. He should make himself and his healing a priority for him so he can be a positive and consistent presence in his daughter’s life. Until that is a solid fact, that he is able, he doesn’t get to pass his trauma on.

I I say this as someone who fought and still fights so hard to break the cycle.

StormingNorman · 15/04/2024 19:38

It sounds like he needs to review a contract and understand the obligations and legalities.

A lot of things aren’t what they should be, but it does sound like he’s trying to be a good dad.

Was the pregnancy planned? I’m wondering if the pregnancy was a trigger for the breakdown. He seems to love the child but has MAJOR commitment issues.

IDontOftenComment · 15/04/2024 19:39

You don’t seem to make any allowance for his mental state, instead you're throwing his absence back in his face. He obviously had his reasons, he’s entitled to carefully consider the future as you seem to have a very aggressive attitude. He’s doing his best to be a father to his child, don’t spoil it.

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 19:41

@IDontOftenComment aggressive about wondering why a father isn’t agreeing to be on his child’s birth certificate? 😂 yes he must have a medal for appearing after leaving a year of hard work to his child’s mother then ‘doing his best’ when it suits him. Thank God for him.

OP posts:
sleekcat · 15/04/2024 19:41

I don't understand why he was never on the birth certificate. He should have been from the beginning. She will have her birth certificate in her possession eventually and she will probably ask why.

Changeusernameseeusernamehistory · 15/04/2024 19:42

IDontOftenComment · 15/04/2024 19:39

You don’t seem to make any allowance for his mental state, instead you're throwing his absence back in his face. He obviously had his reasons, he’s entitled to carefully consider the future as you seem to have a very aggressive attitude. He’s doing his best to be a father to his child, don’t spoil it.

Wtf? OP does not at all seem aggressive. She’s been very accommodating of whatever happened to him. She’s in fact had a very healthy response. Set healthy boundaries whilst still allowing him to have a relationship with a daughter he ran away from.

LiterallyOnFire · 15/04/2024 19:43

IDontOftenComment · 15/04/2024 19:39

You don’t seem to make any allowance for his mental state, instead you're throwing his absence back in his face. He obviously had his reasons, he’s entitled to carefully consider the future as you seem to have a very aggressive attitude. He’s doing his best to be a father to his child, don’t spoil it.

"Has his reasons" Grin

Where would babies be if mums "had their reasons" for going AWOL with such frequency as men do?

Changeusernameseeusernamehistory · 15/04/2024 19:43

I sure as fuck would not have been as gracious as OP!!!! Dude would NEVER have met my daughter!

edit to say that I would’ve been wrong to do that but I doubt I would’ve been able to do differently. I admire you, OP.

KvotheTheBloodless · 15/04/2024 19:44

Was the pregnancy unplanned? It could be that the shock, combined with losing his job, caused a MH crisis. If he was truly unwell it's not fair to blame him.

His flakiness about the BC is weird, but focus on the relationship he's developing with your shared child. But don't ever trust him/rely on him!

LiterallyOnFire · 15/04/2024 19:44

sleekcat · 15/04/2024 19:41

I don't understand why he was never on the birth certificate. He should have been from the beginning. She will have her birth certificate in her possession eventually and she will probably ask why.

OMG. This thread is antagonising me. Goodness knows how OP feels.

He was left off the BC because he wasn't available to sign to go on it. So, in a sense, nothing has changed in two years.

PeachBlossom1234 · 15/04/2024 19:45

So this was my situation too and my DDs dad stepped up and is an amazing father to her so I made things right. He wasn’t on the birth certificate but I got him added. It was a huge hassle and cost me about £400 but she has him on there now. I got a solicitor to deal with it which essentially was a signature giving him parental rights and responsibilities and then another one to re-register her so in effect she was deleted from the registry and then readded at a later date (which caused issues at nursery with her funding because they’d never seen it before!) but it was the right thing to do. I got a firm telling off from the court for not adding him at the time but I acted in both of our best interests at that moment….i also had really bad hormones! Hopefully he agrees that he should be official in her life x

Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 19:45

LiterallyOnFire · 15/04/2024 19:44

OMG. This thread is antagonising me. Goodness knows how OP feels.

He was left off the BC because he wasn't available to sign to go on it. So, in a sense, nothing has changed in two years.

Show quote history

@LiterallyOnFire 😂 thank you! I couldn’t be bothered to respond to that one

OP posts:
Original poster
wooldryxptto · 15/04/2024 19:47

@PeachBlossom1234 when was this? When I contacted the registry they just he had to sign a form in front of a solicitor then we send the joint form in with it? Nothing to do with court?

OP posts:
Bunnyhair · 15/04/2024 19:47

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say it frankly doesn't matter that he has MH problems, is emotionally vulnerable, had a sad childhood, etc. That's not OP's responsibility and she doesn't have to be Ok with him fucking off and rejecting his child, for any reason.

Given that he clearly continues to be unstable and unreliable, I fail to see why the OP should be bending over backwards to facilitate his relationship to the child about whom he was so ambivalent he couldn't be arsed to meet her.

At 2, she won't remember him if he disappears from her life. Whereas if OP keeps running around making a relationship possible (when he fancies it / his mental health is up to it, etc), she'll just be facilitating desertion after desertion by this (poor old wounded emotionally suffering vulnerable etc etc) man.

purplediscoblue · 15/04/2024 19:50

How many idiots are on this thread. If you’re not present at the registration you do not get put on the birth certificate. I’m the only one with my dad on mine because I’m the only one of four he bothered to show up to sign for and thats all he did practically unfortunately.

Mnk711 · 15/04/2024 19:51

Not denying your analysis that it's probably because he is a horrendously selfish person but is there any chance that that isn't the case and that he genuinely has changed? If so, perhaps he feels guilty about the whole situation which is why the birth certificate situation has made him go all weird?

Either way I'd back off about the birth certificate - either he's a selfish ahole who you don't want on your daughter's BC anyway, or he's genuinely trying but commitment phobic and immature and being ridiculous in which case give him time to come round to the idea. Pushing and making a drama about it (however reasonable it is for you to do so) won't solve anything.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP, probably this issue has brought back a lot of your feelings from the initial abandonment which must be so painful.

GreatGateauxsby · 15/04/2024 19:51

Honestly I’d retract “the offer”

as a PP highlighted it may well be a blessing in disguise and I think you’ve dodged a bullet here as despite best efforts he is and likely always will be a flakey shithead who cops out at the first sign of trouble.

We never know what the future holds and not needing his agreement and him not having parental responsibility may well be a massive blessing in years to come.

SoupChicken · 15/04/2024 19:54

I think if I were you I wouldn’t want him on the birth certificate, which would give him parental rights, because of his erratic behaviour. What if he tried to prevent you taking her abroad on holiday or wouldn’t consent to medical treatment. I think while you’re the responsible one you ought to have the final say. Perhaps add him on when she’s older?

AcrossthePond55 · 15/04/2024 20:03

@wooldryxptto

The thing that stands out to me is that you say he 'loves' DD. But there is 'love' and there is love. He 'loves' her conditionally and the condition is that he bear no true legal responsibility for her, beyond CMS which he's only paying because he is forced to. You love her unconditionally gladly shouldering all responsibility for her care and welfare and knowing that you will gladly accept any future issues or problems that may crop up. That's what he doesn't want; the problems, issues, and responsibilities.

Seeing her, playing with her, cuddling her, that's the easy part and you know it. I did the same for my nieces and nephews but I knew that when I didn't want to do it anymore I could hand them off to their parents and skip away to my own carefree life. What if he should suddenly meet someone who doesn't want DD around? What if he should get a job offer in Timbuktu? He will make these decisions with regards to himself only, not with DD in mind as you would do.

I guess what I'm saying is that he can't be relied on, he can't be trusted to be there always for her. He isn't committed to parenting the way you are. And that being what it is, it's probably better that he not be on the BC because you want to have 100% control over DD's future. Where the two of you will live, where she will go to school, where the two of you holiday. All of these (and more) can be affected by an uncommitted parent who suddenly decides to interfere.

IMHO, best let sleeping dogs lie.

TeaGinandFags · 15/04/2024 20:05

Laiste · 15/04/2024 13:39

You don't have to be married to have the father on the BC.

afaik

Show quote history

If an unmarried dad turns up when mum registers baby, he can go on the birth certificate.

If dad is married to mum then he's on it whether he's there or not. He can even register the birth on his own, but NEVER let that happen. (He'll fuck it up.)

If mum isn't married to dad and she registers baby alone she CANNOT put him on. Under no circumstances can an unmarried father register his own child.

Know you DO know.

TeaGinandFags · 15/04/2024 20:12

OP, irrespective of whether or not he is on the birth certificate, he is her biological father and one DNA test will tell on him.

He has been flakey in the past and may well be flakey once more. If I were in your shoes I'd speak with a solicitor specialising in family law who can give far better advice than us.

As the Russians say; hope for the best but prepare for the worst. You owe it not only to your DD but to yourself.

I wish you and your darling babe only the best xx

Grammarnut · 15/04/2024 20:12

He is scared of responsibility, I think. Your pregnancy probably flipped him and now he is afraid that putting his name on a birth certificate (and I agree, he should go on) is freaking him out again. He may refuse. Your DC knows him and knows he is her father. It must be possible to record this somewhere so that she can access it as an adult - but it's a legal quagmire, I suspect, so you should seek legal advice.

WearyAuldWumman · 15/04/2024 20:13

You need him on the certificate in order to protect your child. If the father were to die, you'd otherwise be left in the position of having to prove the familial connection in order protect any possible inheritance.

PurpleElf · 15/04/2024 20:14

I think you’re perfectly justified to feel the way you do, OP. What a selfish, self-absorbed, flakey shithead he is.

Whilst your DD may have to process in the future that her father fucked off before she was born, hence not being on her BC (and your role will be to reassure her that that was entirely down to deficiencies in his character and nothing to do with her), that may be preferable to having said shithead on her BC and able to exercise some enhanced level of control over your lives.

However, odds are that he is going to disappear again at some point or be a selfish, shitty parent in some other way. The bigger challenge for you will most likely be having to keep him at arms length and hold firm boundaries on her behalf and teaching her to do the same when she‘s old enough. And loving her so unconditionally that she doesn’t need his selfish brand of ‘love’. You are clearly a lovely, sensible and resilient mum. She is lucky to have you.