A strange one… and that’s why I don’t know how to handle this?!

[wooldryxptto]

I have a an almost two year old with my ex. We were very happy, then during pregnancy he had some sort of mental breakdown. He didn’t see dd until just before her first birthday though he did pay his share financially. He has apologised, obviously means next to f all after what he did, but has been consistent with her ever since, really focuses on her care and teaches her things, buys her extras, sees her regularly. I had sort of written him off as any decent parent but actually so far he’s kept to his word.

Anyway, and I know this is a controversial topic on mumsnet and the usual thing is to leave a man like this off the birth certificate… but I actually want him on it. I strongly believe dd should have both parents names on it. I’m not concerned that he would want shared care of dd as he is very happy that she lives with me, but even if he did, I have the funds to face a legal battle if needed. I simply feel strongly she should have her parents both on it.

I mentioned this to him last night and to my surprise he said he wanted to ‘think about it.’ He said he knew it was right he should be on there but he needed to look into it first.

I feel like I honestly can’t be around him even with dd anymore, I have such little respect for him. He’s said he will let me know this week if he will fill the form in… but am I being dramatic to feel so disgusted by this? I guess I was just expecting him to want to be on it and that would be that… but it’s thrown me a bit. I feel angry that he would want to evade any sense of formal responsibility towards her. I know he will always have financial responsibility so it doesn’t really matter I suppose but it does bother me. Any thoughts?! I know it’s random but I despair really that after everything he can’t even do a normal thing like this without a drama

You've got it spot on here.

Good dad is he? Aye, until the next time he decides it's a bit too much for him and he fucks up (or off) again.

Take the decision out of his hands - tell the spineless twat that you've also been 'reviewing' things and he's not going on the birth cert, end of.

Cross the bridge about what to tell your daughter when you come to it. At least she's got one reliable parent.

I think a lot of the posts here about him just not wanting the formal responsibility and liking being able to do things on his own terms are probably right.

But if he did have a breakdown of some type, I think there’s a possibility that it’s more to do with his fragile mental state and with not really knowing what’s involved in being on a birth certificate. You’ve had ages to think about all the ins and outs, both just before you asked and when DC was born, and ended up asking him in your own time when you were ready. The question was, to some extent, sprung on him and he’s asked for time to review i.e., to think about what it means. Also, if he had a breakdown and is trying to come to terms with what he did to the two of you, he may feel that he shouldn’t have parental responsibility in case he does it again. If he doesn’t feel secure in his recovery, he may have concerns about not being able to live up to it. And maybe he’s right. If he hasn’t told you much about what was going through his head back when he abandoned you all, he probably hasn’t processed it properly and may not be fit to have that sort of authority.

I don’t think either of those situations are great for you or your DD. But if it’s down to him trying to come to terms with how he behaved and what that means for who he is and what he can be for your DD, rather than just not wanting a formal acknowledgement of paternity, I think that means different things.

I don’t think the PP has described him - being reluctant to go on the birth cert is not doing your best. It costs him nothing, you can chase him for money whether he’s on it or not.

I also don’t think he loves your DD for the same reason.

However he is clearly fond of her to whatever degree he is able, and some sort of relationship is better than none as long as he turns up when he says he will and is nice to her.

I would just keep him very much at arms length, he could walk off into the distance at any time.

I wouldn’t bring it up or discuss it again unless he does. You’ve given him the chance. If/when your daughter questions why he isn’t on there when she’s 18 then you’ll have to be honest and tell her.

Sorry you’ve had to get through the first year alone OP. I’d be very wary of him now.

This guy isn’t a monster!

If you want answers look at his upbringing. He pays and he is now trying his best to be in your child’s life.

Everything is relative but trust me there are worse men out there than him.

I actually think you are still angry about what he did to you

He may have had a breakdown because of some childhood trauma or even abuse. People are often reminded of horrible things when they are faced with being a parent. I find it sad he’s not shared what’s gone on.

To be fair OP, in time, your dd will fully understand why he's not on the birth certificate, because he's likely to let her down again and again.

Youre not taking anything from her or denying her information. It's a very very important part of her history to understand that dad fucked off.

Having him in the birth certificate actually makes managing him more complex.

I'd be leaving well alone.

I had similar - ex went on birth cert when DS was 3, though he had insisted on a DNA test when DS was born, so I had proof he was the father. My mother took it very hard that there was a gap on the birth cert, I wasn't really that bothered. I think he expected a medal for wanting to go on the birth cert when DS was 3 though, real father of the year stuff.

I know your ex is being a shit, but, he's building a relationship with your DD and that's important for her self-esteem.

It can be in your interest not to have him on the birth cert - no need for him to co-sign passport applications, get communications from school etc. It doesn't make a difference to your DD now, it's a handy reminder to you that he is a shit, so I would let it go for now.

One thing worth remembering OP, is that - to a large extent - "Dad" will mean to your daughter whatever her experience of Dad is. We aren't really living in Peter & Jane days any more, so different family structures and levels of involvement are "normal".

So as long as she has one calm, reliable, adult parent, she will be okay.

He's worried about money. Is he wealthy?

@Onceacheetah not mega but a bit. I don’t think it’s that though? He has to pay regardless of being on the certificate

He’s already shown you who he is…..

Have you ever spoken about his breakdown? I mean there are ‘breakdowns’ ie legging it form responsibility and then genuine severe mental health episodes when it can be very hard for people to function and they do all kinds of things. If it is the latter then the road back can be long. Maybe some joint counselling would help. It sounds like you want him in her life and it sounds like he wants to be in her life too. You are totally justified to be raging about what he did but what are the options going forward?

I assumed a breakdown as he lost a job he was very very protective of. But it only took him 3 months to find another similar one so he can’t have been horrendously mentally unwell. I have asked him about what happened and why but he just says he’s sorry and won’t actually tell me why. I don’t think he can tell me why, he has always been quite a selfish person and I think that came through more because I needed him when pregnant in a way I never had previously

It smacks of him checking what he'd be 'liable' for if he agreed to this. He sounds selfish - money/ free time is his priority, not his daughter. I'd definitely sack him off.

(Small bit of light in the dark - due to a typo that said for a while: 'Monet is his priority' - don't bother him with Rembrandts, whatever you do 😉).

I can't help but wonder what this man's childhood was like and the relationship with his parents because it seems like he's terrified to be responsible for a child to the extreme.

I'd let him know that you're hurt by his response to this if you haven't already. You've been really selfless to allow him back into your daughter's life for her sake after he hurt you so badly in the first place, and it's selfless of you to want to put him on the birth certificate for your daughter's sake also. He just isn't putting her first like you are and I'd say that to him.

I wouldn't pester him about the BC Op, if he's not sure then he's still not really committed to your DD and he could vanish on you again. If only you have PR then you make all the important decisions for your DD which may turn out to be for the best.

If the father of your dd has to “think about” being put down as the father on her birth certificate, I wouldn’t bother. That’s heartbreaking. I can’t imagine my dad saying something like that.

Above and beyond??
he paid after OP went to CMS and he visits
I’m guessing he sticks to what CMS tells him to pay.

how is that above and beyond?? Are you serious?

It’s one thing to have a break down and not be involved in his child’s life and OP has been incredibly forgiven with this.

But that has no bearing on him being on the BC.

No parent needs to think about being on the BC, I didn’t as a mother.

He should be begging for forgiveness and to be allowed on the BC, not having a think about it.

I think it bears thinking about the worst case scenario because once PR is there, it’s there. He can go through the work to get PR but at least it wouldn’t be easy for him to go against the wishes of the RP/OP.

sounds utterly pathetic, and I would be pissed off too

There is no evidence that he had a breakdown, just that he ran away. Every child should have a relationship with both parents where possible/safe and she does.

I do find it a bit odd that lost of people are saying it os fine if he had a breakdown, as I have NEVER heard anyone saying that about a mother. Women look after their babies in almost all circumstances. That would put me off adding him to the birth certificate at this stage, as it could be more difficult for you if he then runs off again, or meets someoneelse and wants an instant family. Continue to facilitate his contact with her.

Don't give advice when you are clearly uninformed and biased.

Yet you said he has PR, when he doesn't. Then you said he has it in "all but name." Again not true, PR is a legal standard, you either have it or you don't.

Wrong thread