Taking my daughters birthday money if she doesn’t go on her trip?

[TheGreyPeer]

Hi
My daughter is 13 turning 14 in May. In December her school announced a trip to France which will be activity outdoors based. She begged me to go. Initially I said no because they wanted 5 monthly instalments of £110 which would be a stretch. I am a single working mum with a huge mortgage and no child support. I work bank as a nurse.

She complained about this and said all her friends were going and she felt like the odd one out. She stopped complaining and felt genuinely upset so I told her I would pay for it but she had to be sure she would go. She was very thankful and said she was absolutely certain she wanted to go. I took on extra shifts to pay for the monthly instalments. Her passport had also expired so I had to pay for that.

Now, it’s 7 days till she is due to go and she doesn’t want to. Her reason is that she thought she wanted to go but now she’s changed her mind and just “doesn’t want to” no real reason, just doesn’t want to. I think a big part is that one of her friends can’t go anymore (due to illness) but she has 3 other close friends who are going and who are rooming together with her.

I have told her if she doesn’t want to go, she needs to pay me back as the the trip is not refundable. I’ve said that I won’t be giving her birthday money this year (I usually give £200) and that any money she gets from grandparents, aunties etc I will also be taking. I’ve said she can then do chores to work or the rest until it’s repaid.

She doesn’t agree with this and says I’m being unfair. AIBU?

I would send her on the trip.

I’d be making her go. My DD did similar for a ski trip and we said point blank it was tough shit, it was paid for and she was going.

she absolutely loved it!

Absolutely you’re right - I’d be bloody livid. I’d make her go.

Unless she actually has, and shares with you, a much more compelling reason not to go on the trip then yes, she has to repay the cost.

YANBU! Stick to your guns, OP! H
The sooner she learns that hard-earned money is not to be wasted on a whim, the better.

She goes on the trip. She committed to it. You are teaching her a bad lesson by giving her an out, even one with consequences.

I’d actually focus on encouraging her to go on the trip. It’s common for teenagers to lose confidence in this type of situation. Her friend has dropped out and for whatever reason the trip has become less appealing to her. It will be much better for her self confidence and resilience to go.

Can you speak to the lead teacher and work together?

How long has she said she doesn’t want to go? Is school still on holiday? She might change her mind when she sees her friends are they are looking forward to it. Have you had a chance to speak to school about it?
If she point blank refuses to go the you are not bu for taking the money. She is old enough to know that actions have consequences.

I would just be making her go on the trip at this point

Make her go. Just keep reassuring her and telling her it is happening and absolutely not optional.

Not going wouldn't be an option. She's going. The end.

She has other friends, I would be making her go too

Has she ever been away from home on a trip like this before OP, as it may be that now that it's getting close she's starting to feel really nervous about being in a totally different country, where she probably doesn't speak much of the language, but feels she can't say that, as she knows you've worked so hard to make this happen for her? I think it highly likely that if you can push her to go, she's likely to really enjoy it, but is just a bit nervous, and doesn't want to admit it, as it's not cool at her age to say she'd rather stay home with Mum.

I was going to say YABU when I just read your title but now I've read the op you are definitely NBU.

So would I, its just nerves she's maybe fallen out with a friend contact the school tp see if they can shed some light on it before she goes.

Out of interest , how do you 'make ' her go ? Although I agree she should go.

Unless my dd had a much stronger reason than, "I don't want to." she'd be going.

You made sure she was certain. She promised she was. You then broke your ass to pay for it.

"I don't want to." isn't good enough. She goes. End of.

And she needs telling that her thinking that it's ok to do this after you've worked so hard to send her, is extremely selfish and absolutely unacceptable. I'd be disgusted if my dd was so dismissive of my hard work and money. She clearly lacks appreciation.

I'd be sending her on the trip.

My guess is she's getting nervous op and I'd be doing everything in my power to get her to go. I think for me it falls under honoring your commitments. I'd talk to her and to school and check there's nothing going on to put her off and maybe her friends parents too if you can do it subtly. But I think she's best going and getting the experience out of her comfort zone.

She's going and that shouldn't be up for debate. She is probably nervous so I'd be firm but supportive.

She'd be going.... end of!

How do you ‘make’ a teen do anything? You say they have to. You follow through.

So some further info.
She has said she doesn’t want primarily because she’s now got the itinerary and knows everyday will be activities like rock climbing, rowing, archery etc. She knew this was an activity holiday from the start, but they only recently got the itinerary. She thought although it would be outdoors activity but thought it wouldn’t be as intense and they would be going to other places like beaches etc and mainly be relaxing. She always knew this was an adventure outdoor holiday. But now she knows that 90% of the day will be activities she just doesn’t want to go. There is no medical reason or anything preventing her from such activities or phobias, it’s just “not her thing” as she said.

She has been on residential trips before, they went to London for a few days where the activities were just museums and London dungeons etc and loved it.

I think I’d count to 20, breathe and not let on how frustrated you feel (because you must be fuming) Try and sit down and calm, non frustrated conversation of how you really worked hard for her to go , and you were happy to work your ass of for her , for something she wanted so much as you love her so much and now your surprised she doesn’t want to go. I wonder does she have cold feet all of a sudden? About staying away from home or something to do with her friendship group. Hopefully you could have a conversation about it and sort it out,

if not I’d probably insist she went as well. She’s committed at this point. But I’d start from a softer position to she if she will open up.

**just read your update. I think I’d be putting my foot down nicely about her going. Maybe she’ll enjoy it, maybe not but it’s paid for now.

Tough luck, she has to go.