Partner fuming with me for this

[Loloj]

Been with DP for 9 years and engaged to be married.

I’m not a smoker although in my younger days I would have had the occasional cigarette when having a drink. My partner hates smoking - he thinks it is disgusting hates the smell etc and always comments when people around him smoke. He said if I was still a “social smoker” now then he wouldn’t be with me.

Last night my friend who smokes came to stay for the evening - he can’t help himself but make comments about her smoking and I just think “oh stop it, let people do their own thing”. She was nipping outside every so often for a cigarette then coming back in.

Later in the evening after a few drinks I popped outside to chat with her and had a few drags of her cigarette. I wouldn’t normally do this (the last time was maybe a couple of years ago) but after a few Proseccos I fancied it.

We come back inside the house and he came straight towards me and lent into my face and sniffed me - like he was waiting to catch me out. He kicked off saying “I knew it!” etc and how I had broken his trust. How disgusting it was and why would I do that etc etc. I was really taken aback like WTF - he was waiting to catch me out. We had an argument and I said if I wanted to have a few drags off a cigarette as a one-off then that was up to me and that he was massively over-reacting. His reaction was as though I’d cheated on him! This morning he wouldn’t speak to me walking past me glaring at me like I’ve committed a hideous crime and making it awkward with our guests.

so AIBU or is he?

YABU - your partner is right to be this annoyed and you should never ever touch a cigarette if he feels this way.

YANBU - your partner has completely over-reacted

As much as you are allowed to make your own decisions I agree with your partner that smoking is disgusting and stinks.

YANBU. Don't get me wrong the smell is disgusting, DH used to smoke before he switched to vaping and I used to make him have a shower before coming to bed. I get he's pissed off but he shouldn't have shouted in your face or making it awkward in front of your guests, how embarrassing.

I loathe smoking and try not to socialise with people who do it BUT hes not your Dad, if you fancy a smoke then you can

He's made his feelings on smoking very clear. You can't be surprised that he's annoyed.
I used to smoke 20 years ago. DH was very worried about this history when we got together (10 years ago) because if I went back to it he would want to split up. Your partner is probably worried about you doing it more regularly, which I can understand. Smoking is horrible.

He can’t stop you, but I couldn’t live with a smoker. It’s absolutely disgusting.

Well, you can make your own decisions but equally, he doesn't have to stay with someone who chooses to smoke.

It's a big ick for me and a real hard no in a relationship, purely because I could never be attracted to someone who smokes (or vapes for that matter). Your choice to do what you want but he's allowed to hold his own strong opinion.

Your DP has decided that you are not allowed to 'smoke', and has behaved like a parent, NOT a partner.

You are an adult, and as such, YOU decide what you do or don't do.

He can decide whether it's a red line for him, but he has zero 'right' to try to control what you do ! Also, he has zero right to 'punish' you either, which is what the bloody glares and silent treatment are ! Prick !

Also, how rude and unacceptable for him to play out the whole scenario in front of your friend ffs !

Personally, I'd be saying if he doesn't like it, there's the fucking door asshole !

Thanks for your reply. I never normally smoke so I’m not a smoker- it was literally a one-off. I just feel his reaction was way over the top.

You can have a smoke if you want, and yes his reaction wasn't great. However he is allowed is line in the sand the same as you are. He told you he wouldn't be with you if you smoked and you have smoked, may not be much but you have smoked.

YABU.

Cigarettes are repulsive. You knew your OH hated cigarettes yet you deliberately smoked one knowing that it would antagonise him.

And now you have the audacity to accuse him of being unreasonable. This is almost gaslighting him!

I would leave someone who started to smoke.

His reaction may not have been the best but you knew how important an issue it was for him.

I am confused why anyone would think you are being unreasonable.

Smoking might be disgusting but you don’t treat your guests or partner like that. He could have politely asked your friend not to smoke when at your home rather than all of this passive aggressive nonsense. If you having a couple of drags is a deal breaker for him, that’s fine. Checking up on you by smelling your breath and having a go at you in company is not acceptable nor is a mammoth sulk. He could have had a calm, reasonable conversation with you private. If he behaves like this in front of guests, how does he behave in private?

I dunno I can see both sides of this...
I don't smoke but I once had a really controlling boyfriend who went apeshit because I had a drag off a friends cigarette... this was one symptom of him being very controlling.
However my DH used to smoke but said he was giving up when I was pregnant with our first child. He seemed to do this successfully but then he had a slip up where he was smoking on his night shifts... I noticed his stained fingers and he massively gaslit me and I believed he wasn't smoking... later he admitted to me he had been and it had been hard to stop again (which he himself wanted to do for his health)
When I was pregnant with our second we were away with some friends and I saw him smoking outside. When he came back in I asked him if he'd been smoking and he denied it and I just went absolutely mental! I'm sure the friends will have thought I was controlling and nuts but it was just the last straw with me. He's already older than me and his blood pressure had risen and then reduced when he quit smoking. I also don't want a smoker around my newborn babies or me pregnant...
He had foubd it so hard to quit again after starting again before... this all fed into me going mental.
I do think smoking is an addiction and addicts do minimise their own behaviour 'oh I only smoke socially' 'oh I only had a drag' but in my experience this is the slippery road to starting smoking again.
It is SO bad for your health that there is justification for someone who cares deeply about you to be very upset about it..
But then again with the situation with my ex boyfriend.. I genuinely only had a drag and I genuinely have never smoked before or since... so is reaction was massively OTT and a symptom of him being controlling generally.. and I think that may be WHY I had that drag off a friends cigarette actually
So I don't know here. I'd want to look at the bigger picture here.. is he controlling in other ways or is this genuinely him being really worried about your health?

His reaction was way over the top and I wouldn’t tolerate it if I were you. But he really seems frightened/revolted by the smell of smoke on you (and I would be too) so you either accept that and stop associating with smokers or taking a drag now and then or you dump him. I’d dump him if I were you because he is treating you horribly. But you won’t change him.

YABU, it meant nothing to you but a lot to him, which you know.

In think smoking is disgusting and i'm also very aware of the impact on your health and the impact on that on everyone who cares about you. As a former smoker I'm also very aware that it's so easy to slip back into old habits and it can start that easily. So I get that he's probably worried about you and at the same time finds it a turn off.

However, I do think the way he's gone about it is a little controlling and that would be a turn off for me too. You're allowed to do what you want with your body and he's allowed to have a firm boundary against smoking. But I do think there's a better way to handle it for both of you.

I think you need to sit down and talk to him about it.

It's fine for him to find it disgusting and put him right off you. What's not fine is for him to react like that.

Yanbu, that's controlling and weird. He is entitled to his opinion but is not allowed to dictate what you can and can't do and his reaction is designed to make you feel bad and not do it again. Deal breaker foe me

If you took a few puffs then you’re a smoker. Maybe not a regular one but you’re still a smoker. I have never, ever smoked in my life and I feel very strongly about it as your husband obviously does. It’s absolutely disgusting and I wouldn’t like people coming over who kept going out and smoking and coming in again, the whole house would stink. People who have smoked or previously smoked don’t understand how absolutely vile it is.

I actually split up with my first dh under very similar circumstances. There were other issues of course but discovering he was secretly smoking was the icing on the cake. We went to centre parcs and went dd and I came back from swimming I caught him smoking on the patio bit. Instantly repulsed. (Just to be clear he was also cheating on me with an ex so the smoking was part of the big picture but I just can’t stand it).

Smoking is gross, but I think he could have behaved better, especially in front of company.

I agree that cigarettes are disgusting and I hate the smell of people who have been smoking but you are an adult and your husband had no right to dictate your choices

Thanks for your opnion but I really didn’t deliberately smoke to antagonise him. I also understand why he is annoyed, I just think his reaction was over the top and he was waiting to catch me out which I didn’t like.