‘Mean girl’

[backinthebox]

I got called a mean girl today. DS was taking part in a team endurance event. He did not get to choose his teammates, the organisers did, and he was teamed up with another boy and 2 girls, we suspect because they wanted his good navigation and teamwork skills to balance out the refusal of the girls to learn or practice.

One of the girl’s mothers was convinced her DD would not finish. She repeatedly said in front of her daughter she did not expect her to finish. I said she would finish - it was a team event and there was no part even starting if you were expecting to bring your whole team down, it was not fair on the others.

They were making good progress and based on the speed they were keeping up we headed down to the finish line to cheer them in. They were only about 10 minutes from the finish line, but did not appear. Find Friends showed them not moving, just out of sight of the finish line, and they stayed there for about 40 minutes. Eventually they appeared over the brow of the hill, in a much bigger group than they had set off in, and sat down. All the members of this group were girls, except for DS and one other boy, and they did not sit down. The organisers and assembled parents were wondering what was going on. They stayed sat down for another 10 minutes, in sight of the finish line, with DS and the other boy standing some way apart from the.

Eventually they got up and crossed the finish. DS had said that they had been going fine until they had caught up with another team made up of all girls, and then they had slowed to the other team’s speed. When they had asked the girls in their team to keep walking, the other team had said they were bullying the girls and would be reported and disqualified. The boys were desperately keen to finish, so they backed off. The girls then started throwing food at them. They had sat down and refused to move in direct response to the pleas from the boys to keep moving - it was a power play move to show they could control whether they crossed the finish line or not.

The mother who thought her daughter wouldn’t finish was delighted with her DD’s performance, and was amazed she had finished at all. Happily telling anyone in earshot that just finishing was more than she had hoped for and that her DD normally refuses to finish any physical activity and has never walked more than a couple of miles before. I replied that perhaps it would do her good to get out and walk a bit more - if she was going to take part in team hiking events knowingly setting out to scupper the team is unfair to the other team members. For this, I was called a mean girl.

AIBU to think that 1. telling your child repeatedly that they are going to fail is probably setting them up to fail, and 2. you don’t put your child onto a team of enthusiastic participants if you know your child is likely to sabotage the other kids’ efforts, and 3. you don’t praise your child when you’ve stood and watched her actively sabotaging her team?

It made me really quite cross, and quite sad for DS and the other boy. I’ve told DS that sometimes you get stuck with team members that you just can’t motivate, and he did well to keep his enthusiasm to the end. I will be making sure he isn’t stuck with the known difficult members next year though.

I’d also die before I berated the organisers who are likely volunteers and have 400 over bearing parents to please

From the OP: “The mother who thought her daughter wouldn’t finish was delighted with her DD’s performance, and was amazed she had finished at all. Happily telling anyone in earshot that just finishing was more than she had hoped for and that her DD normally refuses to finish any physical activity and has never walked more than a couple of miles before.”

That’s not the attitude to enter a physical competition. The OP also mentioned that the other parent had said herself that she had hoped her daughter would be encouraged by the stronger team members. That’s fine for a regular activity but not for an event which is timed and effectively a race. It’s a very selfish attitude.

I understand competitive sport and have 2 girls the compete in multiple sports.
The most important thing is still it's meant to be fun, inclusive and give opportunities to all.
Any event that takes place once a year and the organisers create teams of kids that haven't "learnt or practiced" is entry level at best.
If your son is more competitive than that you need to enter your own team

Anyway, it’s certainly a bit of a conundrum. It would seem there is a branch of MNer who thinks sport and competitive events should be ‘just a bit of fun’ and those who don’t really want to to it should be humoured and accommodated at the expense of those who do

At the age of 12 it’s far more important that they have a good time than they win. In competitive sports humility and enjoyment are absolutely essential, any successful sportsperson would tell you that

I think it's hard for a lot of people to imagine that kind of behaviour. I've witnessed it from boys and girls, so it's not a sex thing, it's a mentality thing.

But it's not a bit of fun if they are deliberately spoiling things for someone else

Those girls clearly didn't want to be with the boys , they wanted a day out with their friends

But what about the enjoyment of the kids who want to at least try and give it a good go. Not necessarily win, or even place.

Was this run by Scouts, Cadets or something like that?

My child did something similar - just five hours though - when they were 9, when a team needed someone to make up numbers. They weren't super-fit, or a great orienteer, so were under strict instructions (from me) to be enthusiastic and do no complaining.

They came home muddy and happy with a medal. A long walk shouldn't be that big a deal for generally healthy young people. There is too much encouragement of being very sedentary, so the comment was just giving a bit of counterbalance. The wall of encouragement to be immobile is itself toxic and bad for us all.

God, I don't think I can think of anything worse than having to turn out to watch a bunch of kids doing something so boring, I certainly can't imagine caring to this extent. I hope the OP has younger children or is planning to get a job soon because that teenage boy is going to soon find this type of smothering hideously embarrassing and there will be a huge hole in mums life. I'm cringing just reading all this wholesome jolly mum stuff. This is exactly why I always put career first, ultimately you can't live your life through a 12 year old boy unless you are a 12 year old boy.

What about the girl's mum?

Yeah there’s definitely more to this story and you come across as insufferable tbh.

TBH, I think you took the whole thing a bit too seriously.
After all, by the sounds of it, it was just a "for fun" kids speed-hiking event. It's not the olympics or even any sort of vaguely serious "sport".

That being said, it sounds like the girls were a bunch of silly little bitches. But really, girls of 12/13 are just "like that". They are very much "Team Girl" at that age, and certainly not going to be cajoled/bullied along by a pair of random boys. They probably did a sit-in because they were fed up of being chivvied by two lads they don't even know.

From your DSs POV, I can see it would be very annoying. But honestly, the world is full of annoying people, and people you just can't get along with. And the quicker you learn that lesson, the happier you'll be. I'd encourage him (and you) to just shrug it off.
And if this is a sport your DS wants to do seriously, find a club for it.

Do you have kids @Poostickers?

Turning out 'to watch a bunch of kids doing something so boring' is pretty much parenting. Swimming lessons, music recitals, the interminable dance shows, cross country... Most kids quite like seeing their parents cheering them on, though, (plus they need a lift!) so we do it.

Making allowances for people who are doing their very best, but struggling - of course. Making allowances for people who are deliberately sabotaging an otherwise enjoyable team activity (sitting down within reach of the finish line? Ffs) - absolutely not. I’d have been livid on behalf of my dc, too, op.

The issue is a lot if people/kids don't take things seriously enough, as in.. at all.

The way you have phrased it is such that overwhelming people will agree with you. It would be interesting to hear the other sides and also the reason behind why the parent did not expect her daughter to finish (and whether she has actually said that to her child or not). Not all disabilities are visible so there could have been reasons that most people would agree with it being unlikely for a child to finish but you aren’t taken those into account in your post.

Harsh but honest!

What lesson have those girls learned?

Basically that sabotaging something and being unkind gets you what you want.

I'd be complaining to the leader about their behaviour - who do they think they are throwing things at other participants?

I think you addressed it well with your DS- that sometimes you have to work with people who are less motivated etc. I suspect he has learnt more from this experience than he would have done if his team had won. The behaviour of the gurus was clearly annoying.

However I think you were wrong to bring this up with the other parent. Just bite your tongue, praise your DS and move on. Ultimately you weren't there so no idea what was said between the teams.

Doesn't sound like either "side" covered themselves in glory to be honest!

No, I agree with you. Why bother in the first place if the daughter has no interest in participating properly

@Poostickers ”I hope the OP has younger children or is planning to get a job soon because……there will be a huge hole in mums life.” Omg 🤣🤣🤣🤣 thanks for giving me the biggest laugh this morning. Poor DS is my youngest, neglected child, and I’m delighted he’s finding activities that really engage him. DD takes a lot of my time, she and I compete at a high enough level that we’ve both had to privilege to represent our country at it. I didn’t actually see any of the event yesterday apart from the last 200m where the sit in occurred, because I was busy doing my own training. And I’ve got a job thanks. Pretty happy with my high-flying (this is a little pun 😉) career. While I love my DC very much, I can guarantee there’ll be no hole in my life when they leave home as I will have the time then that I currently don’t have to compete overseas more.

op, come on. your son isnt an angel and you only got one side of the story. none of the children behaved exemplary but your son was nasty enough to the girls to have them threatening to report him and stop the race. they didnt do that randomly because theyre psychotic, did they? you say yourself that before the sit-down they were on good track and doing well so the girl obviously wasnt incapable, they could have done well in the race if your son hadn't tried to make them leave the others behind, unsportsmanlike. you then proceeded to embarrass yourself by making a personal comment about a 12-year-old girl, making you and your son look even more unsportsmanlike. you're supposed to be an adult and you're supposed to have common sense.

None of it sounds like anything from real life tbh.

I find it really quite interesting that there are so many posters here that assume the girl led a sit in in sight of the adults because of my DS’s actions, rather than in protest at her mother

Are we sure this particular girl led the sit-in? If so, she is a more effective leader than your DS.

Are we sure the protest was at her mother? Why would five other competitors visibly and obviously sacrifice the contest to piss off one of their parents?

This particular girl's mother felt her DD needed encouragement at every staging point. She provided it. Her child not only finished, she was on the winning team. She had every reason to be pleased with her daughter's effort - so why would all six girls decide to protest this mother's encouragement?

This wasn't a refusal to take part, it was a refusal to finish. Therefore it's more natural to assume the protest was about the conditions of 'winning'.

Whoever led the protest, it's clear that DS and his pal failed to lead their team to the finish.

The two boys were, by your account, the ones who cared most about getting in first. So it seems most likely the others' protest was against them. What had they been doing, to provoke this co-ordinated mutiny?

It seems more than likely your son has things to learn about team participation, collaboration (could learn from the girls here!), support and motivation of team members.

Dear Christ, you sound like a Victoria Wood skit 🤣