To be a bit horrified by DHs suggestion that he works from home FT?

[Thecatisannoying]

I know I’ll probably get flamed but it’s awful.

You can’t just relax, constant one sided conversations, constant awareness of his presence, winding the children up by being in and out and out and in, no play dates, can’t do anything involving noise (so nothing basically)

I work three days a week. At the moment he wfh two days but five days a week no respite at all??

I know - that’s the standard advice to carry on as if he’s not there. But you can’t, because he is there. There’s just a different feel somehow.

What is his reasoning for wanting to wfh full time? Is it the commute? The cost?

I only ask because my DB & DSiL had same/similar issues of him wfh full time & came up with a compromise of him working 2 days a week at home and the other 3 days he works from a coworking space in the nearest town - it’s (a little bit) cheaper than him commuting to the office in London, but much less stressful & he admits it stops home feeling like work. I admit it might not be feasible for your situation but just an idea

That’s what currently happens.

He generally WFH 2/3 days a week but is in the office for a minimum of two days. I wouldn’t insist he’s out of the house for five days a week but equally never leaving the house for five days a week is

And some didn't, and managed fine. It's about mind-set.

It's 2024. WFH has been normalised. You can declare a home is not a workplace all you like but the fact is that for many people it is, and that's because they like it that way.

WFH with others in the house comes down to mutual consideration, and it's really not that hard (especially if you actually care about the other person). The WFH person doesn't get to demand silence throughout the day, or keep other family members out of communal areas (ideally they have a room to themselves but this isn't always possible). The non-working people don't need to tiptoe around as if it's a library but they should show a degree of consideration. Everyone should communicate properly about what they actually need!

I've managed to WFH in houseshares with 4 other people (3 of whom also WFH, this was pre-Covid). DP and I WFH during Covid in the same small flat. Everyone involved in these setups was reasonably considerate and no one dreaded it. Actually, while both DP and I WFH at the same time had some down sides it also had plenty of up sides, not least the fact that I actually enjoy his company, so didn't resent his presence (in a property that was his as well).

So my advice is to lay down clear ground rules over what you all need to get through the day. But the larger problem is that you dread your husband's company and resent his presence in his own house, so I suspect there are deeper issues here.

"Just a different feel somehow" isn't real. It's perfectly possible to ignore someone else existing two rooms away and crack on with whatever you need to do. This is something you should be able to get past.

@Autumcolors

Your home is your home. It’s not a workplace.

Sorry to break this to you but the world has changed. 🤣

My husband WFH full time, has done since way before covid. I work shifts, 2 long days and often work one day at the weekend so am off most weekdays.
He has an office upstairs and just cracks on. I havent changed my behaviour particularly, although I avoid hoovering ir having music on when i know hes got calls or teams meetings.
Admittedly, our kids are grown up so we don't have play dates and kid noise to deal with. In fact, DS1 also WFH a few days a week.
As someone said earlier, he must remember he's working in your home, you are not living in his office.

You just ask your husband to take out the children 1 day a week to give you headspace time.

But equally, if he's with the kids 7 days a week, he might also ask you to take the kids out for 1 day a week.

DH started a new job a few months ago which includes option of WFH with at least one day a week in the office.
We've both always worked shifts, usually opposite each other. DH now complains it's too noisy in the house to work.
Two teenagers, DS has sat in the house for most of the Easter holidays, despite contacting friends and even me contacting their mothers, these "friends ' didn't want to meet up 😔.
DD will be studying for exams now so will be in the house most of the time.
So I'll have no peace to myself now!! 😫

I don’t say this lightly, but you sound a little unkind, OP. Whether that’s because deep down you are fed up with him anyway or whether it’s that you actually just need to get out of your own head and get over it and carry on as normal, as if he wasn’t there, I’m not sure.

I work four full days, three from home, one at the office.
DH does five days, one in the office.
We have separate work spaces upstairs.
Downstairs carries on as normal.

I used to hate the fact I’m never home alone anymore. Between DH, my boy, the two dogs and a hamster, peace and quiet is a very rare thing.
But I’ve learned to find the quieter moments and spaces in the house, to read a book or just be. Occasionally when it all threatens to drive one of us insane, the other one will have a fun sleepover with the boy at my MIL’s house. 😂 I go out for errands and he uses that for his alone time. We’ll time our office day for when the other one is off etc., so they have the house to themselves.
Could he go in one day at least?
Last year Covid attacked my DH’s heart. It’s permanently damaged and we nearly lost him. It’s really opened my eyes to how much I’d miss him shouting “it’s 11, we should have a cup of teeeaaaa!”

Edited to add: it really helps us to remember how much time we save on commuting to actually spend together as a family, not to mention the drop in petrol consumption was like a payrise! Silver linings, OP!

Yep -fuck that!

Yep that would drive me insane. My husband was home after the end of his contract for 2 weeks and it was awful. I like my alone time and I like to run the home the way I do. Him being here fulltime changed many day to day things and it was awful. He’s back to the office 3-4 days a week thank goodness. We aren’t retired. He doesn’t need to be here every day thanks!! I don’t interfere in his working day so please don’t get in the way of my SAHM day!

Your marriage is over already. You just don’t seem to know it yet

We have almost identical work patterns, except DH does sometimes have to travel to work/go into the office. It only works because 1) DH has his own study and can shut the door on the rest of the house, and 2) our children are much older.

I wouldn't be putting changing routines for these people who live in the house because he's choosing to WFH. With very young children, there will be noise. Playdates in the children's home is entirely normal- he'll just have to put up with that.

I'm afraid I'd have no time for people who have a home office but refuse to work in it , and instead park themselves in a kitchen/ living room and insist everyone else tiptoes around them.

I understand what you’re saying, @Thecatisannoying . Both DH and I technically work hybrid schedules, with him going into the office two days a week. But, his team frequently cancels the office days as they can work very efficiently from home and they don’t actually need to be in the office very often.

If I’m also working wfh, it’s hard to focus as he wanders in chatting about something and gets miffed if I say that I’d like to walk the dog on my own, for example.

So I’m working in my office more and more to get away from him. 🤣
I do love him dearly, but I need some space.

How ridiculous, this modern phenomenon that you should be perfectly happy to be with your husband 24/7 365 days per year, and if you don’t want that then your marriage is over, ludicrous. At no other point in history were couples expected to be together constantly and also to be delighted at the prospect, some marriages struggle in retirement for this very reason so OP’s concerns are perfectly valid it does not mean her marriage is over at all, she just wants some space during the week and for her home not to feel like an office.

What a weird comment

The OPs follow on posts show their marriage is essentially over

Not what she wrote in the opening post

Not liking the thought of his presence is a nail in the coffin

She hasn’t said she doesn’t like his presence. Not liking his presence is different to not liking his presence all the time, she doesn’t want to be with him constantly, sounds perfectly healthy to me.

I think this how you’ve articulated it here is how you could explain it to him best without sounding petty or like you want rid of him? I get it - mine are 2 and 4 and we go out all day to avoid a stressful nightmare if my husband is working from home. Thankfully he’s 2 days a week too! x

Well, my DH is wfh today as am I. It’s still morning here and he’s been downstairs a few times (he has an office upstairs, I work in the living room) getting coffee, snacks, asking me questions and generally yapping He didn’t say anything on the last visit as I was clearly focusing, but I could feel him looking at me dying to say something. I’m seriously thinking of going into the office after lunch. 🤣

Unfortunately you can get a front row seat on working style, attitude and ethic! I simply could not put up with it or the chaos he inflicted on me. This was before Covid. I saw things his previous and current bosses criticized. I remember being trapped in a bedroom with our small children (on mine and my son's birthday) while he took over the flat for 10 hours. He is a horrible person but being trapped with him continually was torture. When he lost his job he set up his own "business". Did exactly the same as before. I now will never be in a relationship with someone who does wfh. Probably can work but not for all.

We actually turned it on its head and kind of see it as couple time without the otherwise ever present offspring. On Fridays we have a really nice lunch without having to share with the “growing boy” who makes a bunch of locusts look like amateurs.

Edited to add: I realise that part of it working out is probably because we both like tidy work spaces and have a very similar approach to things in general. Just lucky, I guess.
I have no idea what pp’s will do when they retire, though. We kind of took lockdown as a sign that we’re best to stick with each other. 🤣🤣

@MrsDuskTilldawn I think that our main problem is that I don’t have a proper work space, whereas DH has the home office, because he needs multiple screens. When he’s in there, no one disturbs him, but when he sees me on the sofa with my laptop, he forgets that I’m actually working!
We do get on well, I just need to be left alone (as he does) when I’m working.

I wish we had room for another office, it would make a big difference.

@BruFord I don’t think I could work in the living room to be fair. When we started WFH and hadn’t set up properly upstairs, I had a small desk in the bedroom. Is that something you could do? I know it’s not ideal but at least you’re away from whatever happens elsewhere in the house…