To be a bit horrified by DHs suggestion that he works from home FT?

[Thecatisannoying]

I know I’ll probably get flamed but it’s awful.

You can’t just relax, constant one sided conversations, constant awareness of his presence, winding the children up by being in and out and out and in, no play dates, can’t do anything involving noise (so nothing basically)

I work three days a week. At the moment he wfh two days but five days a week no respite at all??

I know; I felt guilty for lying down, at nine months pregnant!

Just be blunt with dh not to judge and then brazen it out. You do get used to it. My mum is always doing stuff - cleaning, cooking, writing lists etc so doing nothing feels naughty. Dh quite enjoys doing nothing occasionally so he’s thankfully onboard.

Thankfully, DH hated WFH and managed to wangle a way back to the office very early on in lockdown and has continued ever since. Adult DS, however, has gone from a customer facing office job to a WFH office job. Even though he stays at his desk in his room, except when he comes out at lunchtime, it drives me mad - and I haven't got any small children to keep quiet. I find myself not hoovering or cleaning his end of the house for fear of making a noise. And don't get me started on the mess he makes in my kitchen at lunchtime but only has time to partially clean up!
I feel your pain OP.

It only works when you have dedicated office/workspace sensibly located in your home. Eg a room at the side/upstairs, not somewhere people are expecting to barge through constantly, or a garden office

How did you cope during lockdown?

Oh good God no. And especially not with young children. It’s bad enough having men lolling around the house when they are not working and could potentially be pressed into some kind of use.
I know some couples both wfh and seem to like it but I always think it must be so boring and a passion killer too.
Say no! It’s your home not an office.

My Dh is self employed, has always worked at home, in various offices, in cafes, libraries etc. Works odd hours. During lockdown he was always at home as vulnerable. Now he's going back to offices and it's great because when he comes home he's been out and seen different people, different things, been on public transport, bought coffee out or whatever little thing so it's more fun to catch up after. When he's on the phone or zoom at he's incredibly loud 😣I have to shut 2 doors! 😀I think I'm much quieter.

Now ds largely wfh but doesn't disturb anyone and largely different hours.

Some people are more of a "presence" than others.

I could work from home as we work together in business and have the room, but I don't- I have a desk in town and he works from home and has separate garage conversion.

Like others have said if I'm at home he's in and out relaying every chat/email etc and it gets tedious and to be honest I think you can see too much of someone and then gave little to talk about .

I totally get that feeling OP about not being able to relax -

I get it OP. I work full-time over 4 days and previously had lived alone for several years. My partner moved in about 18 months ago and works from home and I can’t tell you how much it gets to me and I had no idea I would feel like this.

As he is on his own all day he doesn’t feel like he needs his own space, I on the other hand, crave it. Even on the odd occasion he goes into the office he is home by 12pm and he’s very loud on his phone calls even though he’s in his own room. If I want a day off or week off, I’m still never on my own.

I know I’m probably unreasonable in feeling like I do but I think it’s because I’ve lived alone for so long. I need more alone time and some silence!

We didn’t have children for the first part. Our first Dc was born at the very end of 2020.

Honestly, I did find it hard but it’s different with babies and plus everybody was in the same boat.

I know this is better in some ways but I just still find it intrusive. I do get that’s unfair of me but it is!

I think as it's really affecting you on a day to day basis what you should do is put down some rules.
He has to work in a space where you can't hear him,
he has to have noise cancelling earphones and
he can't have his calls on loudspeaker.
He also cannot keep popping in and out to you and the kids except at lunchtime ( which you will not be expected to prepare unless you want to)
You will not be expected to change your daily activities with the children
You will not be expected to remain quiet and keep the kids quiet because it disturbs daddy
You will spend the day as you wish,in or out of the house, you'll not be made to feel a nuisance in your own home.
Put these conditions to him and trial a week. Make sure he knows you're not agreeing to anything yet. Stick to the rules strictly.
At the end of the week/ trial period he'll probably decide for himself that he can't do it in a way that won't mean you have to change your day.
Have a rule, maybe 3/5 strikes and it's off.

Exactly this. Your home is your home. It’s not a workplace.

Literally none of that will make any difference @shams05

I mean, I can’t and nor would I want to insist that he can’t have a drink or go to the toilet! Noise really does carry in this house and in fairness to DH, he isn’t a dick and doesn’t insist on quiet or anything but you can’t not be aware and conscious of people.

A few months ago I met with friends in a cafe and it was really busy so another woman asked if we’d mind if she sat on the end of our table. Of course we said we didn’t mind but we were aware of her reading and it made us a bit self conscious of our chat and so on - it just altered the atmosphere. I think DH wfh is a bit like that.

It will only work, for him and for you and for the children, if he is treating WFH as if he is actually at work. I WFH and have done for a long time. I have an office room in our house. When I go into my office and shut the door, the rest of the household knows I am at work and they can text me if they need something urgently but nobody comes in and I don't go out apart from loo visits. There is no need for anyone else in the house to be quiet, because I use headphones if I need to have a meeting or something - and if any noise is preventing me from concentrating I can put the headphones on and have quiet music instead.

I have a tiny fridge and a kettle in my office and when I go up to work, I take eg cheese, salad, bread, butter, store the things that need it in the fridge and make my lunch as if I were out of the house. I might occasionally do myself an egg on toast downstairs or heat soup, but mostly I go into my office when I start work and only leave when I have finished. Then I shut the door on work and am completely done with it. The benefit of this is not only that the rest of the house is our home for the other people in it, but also that I can shut the door on work and it doesn't spill over into my own home life.

DH works weird hours so is often around when I am working but it's fine. He doesn't bother me and I don't interfere with whatever he is doing. He might occasionally text me eg to ask if I want anything from Sainsbury's or I might text him and ask if he could record X on telly or something, but I expect we'd do that if I was working elsewhere too.

In your shoes, I think I would be telling your husband that this can only work if he uses the garden office and doesn't come out of it during the working day apart from maybe lunchtime (though, as I say, there are ways round this and he can perfectly well have a kettle, fridge and microwave in there - just like he would if he was in an actual office).

Also, stop tiptoeing around trying not to make noise. Buy him a good pair of headphones and explain to him that if the house is too noisy to work in he shouldn't be working in it.

My dp has worked from home 5 days a week since 2020 with no option to go into an office (there isn’t one nearby any more), and I find it hard too in the school holidays (I’m a teacher). He works from the dining table - no spare room - so me and the kids have to eat meals off our laps in the lounge, whilst listening to long loud conference calls about databases (thin walls and small house). I used to love school holiday days chilling out at home but not so much any more - I feel guilty if I’m relaxing at home and guilty if we go out without him (he always wants us to save the big days out for the weekend so he can come too, which is understandable but I’m also desperate to get out of the house for a day sometimes). My kids are older so we can cope, and a big positive is that now the kids are old enough to get themselves to/from school in term time, he can let them in which massively reduces my stress trying to get home, if the traffic’s bad it’s not a problem. I’ve been able to take on some extra hours this year. Overall though I think we’d both be happier with him hybrid working if it were an option. To make it work I think you need a separate office space really.

I think it depends on the set up. DH and I both WFH totally, him FT and me PT. Our offices are in the loft of the house which means we can't hear work noise from the rest of the house. It also keeps our work and home spaces very separate and we have strict rules about the work home divide when one of us is on work time and the other isn't.

But I can see why when others don't have the same luxury, it could be really annoying.

I also think that neither of us having a commute has significant benefits to our family life, so we come at the WFH thing with a positive attitude anyway because of the benefits it gives us. Again, if this isn't the case for you, then I can see how it could be a negative.

I am the same OP it’s unbearable.

I’m struggling with my DP WFH full time at the moment. If he could be more like you I’d cope a bit better. He works in the smallest room which was previously my home office, I worked from home for a decade but had to stop work, self employed, as he needed the room. So that adds to my problems with it as I no longer can work as his job was more important….or that’s how it feels anyway. He has phone calls sometimes all day which I can hear from all rooms in the house and even in the garden. In between he’s in and out up and down for the loo, snacks, endless coffees and lunch. I get told about the crap and then he remembers another phone call or something. If I put the extractor fan on in kitchen, below office, on full I can still hear him and the chair and the phone calls so I can’t even cook a meal in peace.

it’s unbearable and I can’t afford to go out all the time plus I have a disability and crippling anxiety so my happy place is my home and garden. And no there’s no space for a home office anywhere else.

The last fortnight for example, apart from going places with me at the weekend, he’s not left the house. No walks no anything so I listen to the work all day then he’s downstairs in the lounge until midnight with the tv on which I can also hear. I thought this weekend I was getting the house to myself for my hobbies , ie read a book in peace etc as my hobbies are all quiet things but it’s Saturday night now and he’s not left to go anywhere yet.

I am literally at the end of my tether with it all as I just want to be able to relax in my home. I have made it quite clear I can’t cope, it’s really bad for my MH, it’s also bad for his health and that I can’t carry on living like this so he either needs to work in the office some days or we need to split up. And he just says it’s his house too and he’s working here.

if anyone has any tips on how to cope I honestly would try anything right now.

OFGS

Pre-covid virtually everyone went out of the house to work

It meant you were mixing with other people and not isolated.
You might have had a commute but you weren't paying increased utility payments
One person's job didn't encroach on the other person's
And if you lived in a small house with no spare rooms you weren't encroaching on the at home person's day. (because that isn't the same as having the same days off together)

It does affect the other person and absolutely affects the children in the school holidays

It’s the same for me.

Are there any communal workspaces near you? Or coffee shops he could go to sometimes?

I’ve suggested that over and over. Just a half a day once a week. When I was working too trying to share my office with him there would be so many confidential calls or screens some days I’d not be allowed access until 6pm.

He has gone to a coffee shop supposedly a handful handful of times only but actually just gets a coffee then works from the car if he is only taking calls not on a laptop. His work is IT related and some is confidential which adds to the complexities of it all. But I have pointed out it’s not that confidential as I can hear it all 😂….in my previous career I used to work in a secure environment in IT myself and I wasn’t even allowed a piece of paper or work laptop out of the building so it’s definitely not to that level.

Oh and his companies original main office is in the town we live in still used by company for occasional meet-ups in person but apart from that no staff allowed to work from there.

Mine works from home predominately, but some weeks goes into the office a couple of times a week. It drives me nuts when he's home, I've recently changed jobs and thankfully one of my 2 days off is an office day (if he goes in) so I do get a break from it. My previous job - he was always at home on my off days

It's definitely the one sided conversations. Drive me nuts..

First and foremost he needs to be one hundred percent clear that it is a home and not a workplace. He does have the option of going to his office if he cannot cope with that - afterall he was happy with his job and workplace before he had the option of wfh. Do not be pressured into being out of your home. He will need to fit in and make it work for him. That is not your job. His wfh must not be at the expense of making you and your childrens lives harder or miserable. Go about your day as if he is not there. I speak from experience. OH now has an office at the bottom of the garden and comes in for toilet, to make coffee and have his lunch (which he understand is for him to sort out) in the early days of wfh he was under the disillusion that I would be making and bringing him cups of coffee and having his lunch made and on the table for him at one o’clock!