Hospital stay- partner moaning

[Cookiesncreme]

Had baby almost 2 weeks ago now, had 1 week hospital stay then went home. Was hard as I had csection and was majority of feeds and living off 2hrs sleep daily since my Labour until 3 days after got home.

I was trying to be mobile but this has now resulted in me getting a womb and incision infection and we've been in hospital with baby since Tuesday.
I've been doing night feeds and cleaning bottles and most I can do with a cannula. This later moved and caused me so much pain and is now resighted.
Anyway last night i was oozing puss all over towel, duvet and baby's clothes when he was on me feeding. I said I can't feed him anymore I'm not getting better and he's hurting me.
My partner is now p'd off as he has to have low quality if no sleep and feed charge and burp baby. I offer baby comfort, pump and can clean bottles with 1 hand but he does have to do majority.
He makes it known he's annoyed and says I'm doing everything, I said how do u propose I feed him with 1 hand and a no go zone on my stomach and uterus whilst in pain and on an iv drip every few hours??

AIBU to think he should just suck it up and stop complaining. We've been thru a lot but at least he's mobile and well.

P.s. we have a private room so no other babies keeping us up etc.

So you are in hospital in pain and he's annoyed that he is having to care for his own child? What a prick.

OP I hope you are ok. Feel so sad for you. Please be aware of how ill you are - simply being in hospital on an IV drip means you must just lie in bed and recover in anyone’s book, without adding into the mix the major abdominal surgery you have also gone through. I think you have two options:

1. Send baby and DH home. 2. Send DH home and ask the midwives or HCA to help you. You can process your thoughts about your partner later but right now you must focus on getting better. I know option 1 might seem dramatic, but honestly what you are describing is lunacy and I am really worried you will be in ITU very soon, which will mean a longer recovery period. Please talk to the midwives. I am amazed they haven’t picked up on the issues already but I’m sure they will have seen this many times before. I hope you feel better soon

@Dartwarbler
OK I hear you. I am a midwife formerly nurse of 35+years.
Midwifery has changed a LOT in the past 30 years. I can assure you we bust a bloody gut every bloody shift. I go all out for my women.

Any women who has had surgery is given call bell right next to them. They are told to call when baby cry's to call when you need analgesia to call if you need help to go to toilet and to call if you have any concerns. There is no way I'd leave a women floundering.

The woman we are talking about is 2 weeks postpartum and has been readmitted to hospital with a wound infection being treated with iv Abx.

Her partner is with her and his role is to help with the baby. If all was normal this poor woman would be at home at 2 weeks postpartum. In my unit we have cold water sterilisers so any baby being formula fed has one in the room. The father is more than capable of changing a nappy, clothes etc and feeding his baby. That is why he is there. He will have been shown by a HCP how to make up a bottle.
Formula fed babies tend to settle maybe 3 hrs approx between feeds sometimes longer.

This lady had actually been at home and was then readmitted so I'm hoping that the father in this time had at least made up one bottle of formula whilst baby was at home changed at least one nappy and changed baby's clothing!!

There are no nurseries now in hospitals.The baby stays with the mum to promote bonding and new mothers now want their babies by them at all times.
This father is not expected to do the midwives job. He IS expected to be a father though and to give the basic care for HIS baby as in change nappy, clothes to soothe, cuddle and feed otherwise what the fuck is he sitting in the room for.

I'm so tired of my profession being slagged off on here. Midwifery is much more complex than people are aware of the pressure is very often close to overwhelming but I would never ever leave a woman distressed or struggling. I came in to nursing and midwifery in 1986 to care for people I still want to do that and do it to the best of my ability but the system is so much more complex than how it used to be. I'm nearly done with it all. I'm 62 this year, still passionate about caring but it's just so much more difficult than when I started out.

Your aggression needs to be aimed at the useless shit of a father who needs to put his partner and baby before his sleep needs. If his partner was not back in the hospital he would be exactly the same, bloody useless. I worry for women like the OP as I've seen so many over the years.

Sorry for the rant everyone but if you take anything from this post please, please do not vote Tory at next GE they have truly shafted the NHS.

I think that poster is more blaming the system rather than individual midwives. I have to admit it sounds bonkers to me too. 2 people and a baby cooped up in a small hospital room on top of each other night and day. It would be a recipe for disaster in a hotel room nevermind in a hospital. I don't understand why both parents are expected to be knackered sleeping in a hospital room because let's face it nobody sleeps properly in a hospital rather than there being a nurse or midwife there to help at night when needed. At least one parent would be functional then in the daytime. It's hard enough trying to get enough sleep with a newborn at home where you are in your own bed and can sleep when baby sleeps it must be impossible in a hospital. Having both parents getting hospital quality sleep, cramping them in a room with a newborn baby and expecting all to be good seems very optimistic.

I'm not in the UK but honestly found the OPs situation shocking and the fact that so many posters found nothing odd with it pretty surprising too.

I’ve been in a very similar situation.
it will get no better and you will always remember this time with sadness - a new baby born to parents that love each other isn’t like this - you’ve had a baby, you’ve also had a major operation and now you’re very poorly and struggling with post natal things and he is not living you or cherishing you or his baby - a GOOD father a decent man would not be doing this to you - we all struggle when faced with lack of sleep but, that new baby is as much his and yours and he is failing both of you.
You deserve better x

@TextureSeeker
The father would not be expected to be there he has obviously chosen to stay with his partner to help with the baby. Except he isn't helping with the baby.

If he was not there then the midwifery staff would be helping with baby.
Surely expecting the adult male to be a father to his child isn't difficult whilst his partner recovers.

If his partner was poorly at home would he not be expected to pull his weight and actually care for his child?

Me too. He sounds like my ex.

I'm so sorry op - can you get a friend or your mum into holsital with you and send him home 'to rest' hopefully he will return a little bit nicer?

I am not, and never did, slag off your profession. Thanks for the lecture. And I made the point myself my experience was 30 years ago. I said I am appalled at state of midwife services. Where are midwives is not implying , as you seem to think I meant, you’re swanning around having a party. I’m very well aware of the huge vacancies in midwives nationally

it is not your decision to close nurseries in maternity units, to expect fathers to stay on wards to “help “ mum when they are ( if new dads) inexperienced and yet to bond with baby . Jeez, I now know there aren’t even NHS prenatal classes still, to teach the poor buggers what to expect

this is about funding. It is about policies. It is about successive governments of all colours expecting mums to carry on despite serious birth trauma, abdominal surgery and sleep depreciation etc. it is about us as a society not standing up for birthing mums . Or the criticality of good maternity services.

everyone on here is jumping on the dad. Yep, he’s a selfish fit like a lot of young men who’ve just taken ownership of a helpless human. But he’s failing because we’re expecting him to do nursing duties when he barely knows a babies arse from its head. No wonder mum is stressed and heading for PND. NHS services used to recognise the herd for support of mum and baby as a single entity in immediate post partum period.

I have not and will never knock individual midwives. It is not your fault . You are all to aware I imagine of the failure of your service provisions to mothers and babies, from your everyday frustrations

so politely, piss off. I was not criticising you or other midwives. If you’d read what I put you’d see my point that we as society don’t expect men to have such shit services .

Oh, sorry, the OP read like they had choice but to be both stuck with baby if the OP needed extra help at night. Or maybe it was that I couldn't imagine anyone would be in that situation by choice.

In that case just send the man home so he can get a decent kip and let the trained professionals do their job then he can take over in the morning. It's a madness choice to do any else.

Edited to add at home is completely different to being in a hospital room. I don't believe anyone who has ever tried to sleep in a hospital would think that there is any kind of comparison.

I agree with this. Please go without him to register the birth so that his name is not on the certificate. (It can always be added on later)
Give baby his surname as a middle name and your surname as last name.

As a chronic insomniac yes sleep deprivation can be torture and it's made me feel suicidal at times, however he should be able to cope at this point, he should be able to cop on if he's feeling irritable or grumpy. He is choosing not to.

As for saying you don't think the LTB posts are that helpful, just picture this situation in your head, what the poor OP is going through and the fact this idiot is letting her know that he's annoyed and that he's 'doing everything'. If it was your daughter/niece/young female family member in this situation would you say ah just put it down to sleep deprivation or would you be desperately concerned about your daughter/niece?

I don't think a nice or decent man would ever behave like this, sleep deprived or not. So that's why people are saying to LTB.

His behaviour is extremely concerning, if he can behave like this now then what would he be like if the OP developed PND with no physical signs of being unwell.

I don't give a fuck how bad someone copes with lack of sleep, there are some situations where you just have to suck it up

I am not, and never did, slag off your profession. Thanks for the lecture. And I made the point myself my experience was 30 years ago. I said I am appalled at state of midwife services. Where are midwives is not implying , as you seem to think I meant, you’re swanning around having a party. I’m very well aware of the huge vacancies in midwives nationally

it is not your decision to close nurseries in maternity units, to expect fathers to stay on wards to “help “ mum when they are ( if new dads) inexperienced and yet to bond with baby . Jeez, I now know there aren’t even NHS prenatal classes still, to teach the poor buggers what to expect

this is about funding. It is about policies. It is about successive governments of all colours expecting mums to carry on despite serious birth trauma, abdominal surgery and sleep depreciation etc. it is about us as a society not standing up for birthing mums . Or the criticality of good maternity services.

everyone on here is jumping on the dad. Yep, he’s a selfish fit like a lot of young men who’ve just taken ownership of a helpless human. But he’s failing because we’re expecting him to do nursing duties when he barely knows a babies arse from its head. No wonder mum is stressed and heading for PND. NHS services used to recognise the herd for support of mum and baby as a single entity in immediate post partum period.

I have not and will never knock individual midwives. It is not your fault . You are all to aware I imagine of the failure of your service provisions to mothers and babies, from your everyday frustrations

so politely, piss off. I was not criticising you or other midwives. If you’d read what I put you’d see my point that we as society don’t expect men to have such shit services .

Please tell your mum and ask her if you can go to her house with baby when you're discharged

Good idea

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Unless something awful happens, you'll never be more vulnerable and physically and emotionally in need than this period right now. I would calmly tell him that your need his A game right now because these times are setting the tone for the future of your relationship!

TLDR: If he doesn't step up you'll never forgive or forget; it will eat away at you just how shit he was when you needed him most.

Kick him out and bring in a family member who will be supportive and help you with the baby. You don't need this stress when you are trying to recover.

@Dartwarbler
With your opening line of
Fuck me.. where are the bloody midwives on all of this?
How do you expect me to receive this? So
with respect you can piss off too with your half arsed reply. You have no insight into what goes on in a midwifery ward.

What an arsehole. Christ you're in hospital and he's acting like that. I'm astounded!? That's really not normal caring partner behaviour. He's a cunt.

You didn’t read my response then.🤦‍♀️ and there was I on your side.

@Dartwarbler
everyone on here is jumping on the dad. Yep, he’s a selfish fit like a lot of young men who’ve just taken ownership of a helpless human. But he’s failing because we’re expecting him to do nursing duties when he barely knows a babies arse from its head.

He's not doing nursing duties 😂
And as long as he does know the babies arse from his head then he should be well able to manage.

Any women who has had surgery is given call bell right next to them. They are told to call when baby cry's to call when you need analgesia to call if you need help to go to toilet and to call if you have any concerns. There is no way I'd leave a women floundering.

^ unfortunately the CQC maternity reports of three local trusts say that woman are regularly left floundering.

He's no Dad of the Year, that's for sure. He's a piece of shit. He's shown you that he's a useless, feckless, piece of shit. So, you need to make a decision...speak with the midwives, tell them, so that they can read him the riot act. If you have a close relative or friend that could come in and help out for a shift, get them in. But once you're well enough, really, you should reconsider this relationship, because, if he can't step up to care for his own newborn baby when you are recovering from major surgery and suffering with infections, then he never will. You'll look back on this time and resent him for being so feckless. Get rid. And give baby your surname. What an utter piece of shit.

@Dartwarbler
OK maybe I'm tired after 4 fucking awful shifts with a full ward of antenatal and postnatal women plus babies and not enough staff.
Trying to arrange transfer of high risk women to delivery suite keep an eye on their ctg monitoring whilst also trying to discharge patients who want to go home NOW.
I'm just exhausted, physically and mentally and hate to see my profession on it's knees like this. We have NQM's who are already leaving or signed off sick with stress. When I qualified it was not like this. I'm just so upset how the job I loved so, so much is turning in to one I dread each and every shift.

Please do not have any more children with this waste of space,he is showing you his true colours just when you need him to do his share the most.

I can only speak for my Trust and they are most definitely not left floundering call bells are answered immediately and I care 100% like it was my daughter in that bed.
Midwifery services are on their knees not enough midwives. Services have been slashed to the bone. This government has systematically destroyed the NHS they are totally responsible for the NHS as it stands right now.
I have been in the NHS since 1986 it has never been as bad as it is now. I'm done.