Autistic Son roaming the streets at night. WWYD?

[MumofASDSon]

DS is 21 with autism and a mild learning disability although is very able. 6ft 4 and despite his challenges, he’s pretty streetwise.

He liked to go for walks at night as prefers to go when less people about (social anxiety) and has over the last few months been going for hours often not getting home until the early hours. This evening, he went out at 7pm and has now been insisting he’s on his way back for the last two hours (still not back)! He prefers to walk in forested areas just to make it worse!

He had refused to have a location tracker in his phone and found the one I disguised on it and deleted it. He has no fear, says we don’t live in ‘the hood’ (not far off it though), thinks he’s perfectly able to handle himself and we are being ridiculous when we’ve lectured him about risks to his safety.

He definitely isn’t meeting anyone and isn’t doing anything wrong, he just likes to walk for miles and take pics of things as he walks. He refuses anyone to go with him as he says he finds it calming and gives him some peace. DH used to try to follow him but he’d run off!

This is a massive safeguarding risk IMO as he’ll often ignore texts and calls for hours on end. I have great anxiety that something will happen to him as there have been some violent incidents reported round town and he’d be a big target from the groups of youths getting up to mischief in our town. Even just that he might fall somewhere and we can’t find him. I’d never forgive myself. I also have to stay up until he’s back as obviously can’t go to bed until I know he’s home.

Me, his Dad and siblings have all told him he has to stop, we encourage him to go out in the day but he won’t. Nothing’s ever happened but that just may be luck. I’ve threatened to get the police to look for him on numerous occasions as he is very vulnerable.

I am considering contacting adult social services for advice but not sure they can do anything. We can’t lock him up (he’s an adult and we do try to treat him like one). Concerned Social Care may say we are putting him at risk, letting him do this, and will try to put him in a home though. He’d probably do the same there anyway unless they did physically restrain him and that thought is horrific.

WWYD. It’s causing me a lot of stress!

In some respects I’d kind of rather he was out drinking and clubbing like other young men his age but sadly he has no friends.

He’s 21, no one is going to put him in a home and you won’t be in trouble of any kind. He’s an adult who can make his own decisions (unless he’s been deemed to not have capacity, which would be very unusual).

You say he’s streetwise but also vulnerable - these descriptions seem to be at odds with each other?

I don’t think there’s much you can do if he’s decided this is his preferred time for being out. But I understand completely how concerned you must be.

Would he be open to getting a dog, preferably a large intimidating one? Company and protection on his walks? You could put a tracker on the dog's collar maybe?

My teen ASD DD is the same. She’ll announce at 11pm that she’s going to take the dog a walk! Can’t convince her to go for a walk in the daylight. In many ways she’s mature for her age, but in others she’s vulnerable. So I understand where you’re coming from.

We live in a tiny village, so the furthest she could possibly be is 10 mins from our house,
but she walks round and round so is gone for quite a while.

Ignoring your calls and messages isn’t acceptable and I completely understand why you’re worried. I can’t imagine social services or the police being interested though, sadly.

Thank you @FacingTheWall. He is deemed to have capacity as he had a good understanding and can express himself well but also lacking in the ability to understand consequences to decisions he might make and also highly vulnerable due to his disabilities.

When I say streetwise, that’s more to do with him being capable of going out on his own, danger averse in terms of crossing the road safely and finding his way about but not so much if he had to get out of threatening situation with other people.

I’d have got him a dog years ago as he’d absolutely love one but sadly we privately rent and LLs would not allow it @Couchpotato3.

I think you need to find ways to manage your (reasonable) anxiety. He’s an adult and responsible for himself, despite his vulnerability. There is little you can do to convince him if he is determined to behave in this way, so you need to focus on how you deal with your own feelings about it instead.

What is the area like? Did you say it’s rough but with forests?

Is it worth a conversation with the landlord to explain the situation? Any chance they would reconsider for a protection dog for a vulnerable young person?

Otherwise, is he amenable to negotiation? Would he agree to a reasonable curfew (in order to not disturb the rest of the family by returning at stupid o'clock) in exchange for some other concession?

Social care definitely wouldn't criticise you or put him in a home for this. He's an adult taking a walk, and I bet the risk is lower than you think it is. He'd probably be at more risk if he was out drinking and clubbing like you say you want him to! To be honest I would let him do it and try not to worry.

Can you look at getting a therapy dog. Landlord can't refuse a support Animal.

He’s back just now! Insists I should leave a key under the mat (he’s lost loads), stop being over anxious and I should get to bed! I had to again remind him he’s left the key in the door outside on many occasions during the day and I’m not risking him doing that during the night!

It’s quite a big town with lots of social issues and knife crime increasing over the last few years but lots of woodland areas and countryside surrounding it. He will walk miles from one woodland area to another across town as he wants to go out but stay hidden. He’s had a few incidents with people during the day asking him why he’s hanging around the woods and what he’s doing. Presume people think he’s doing drugs! He was very upset last year that a guy walking with his kids shouted at him and said he was acting ‘weird’ hanging around in the trees and he’d call the police on him if he didn’t leave (it wasn’t near any houses), but I suppose a tall, well built adult male all dressed in black with his hood covering most of his face is going to raise suspicion! He doesn’t get that at all and says he wasn’t doing anything wrong.

That’s why he’s started going out at night. Immediately shows me beautiful photos of the moon and dark silhouettes of trees and nature stuff when he comes back bless him!

I think this is a you, problem more than a him problem. Do you have a history of anxiety and catastrophic thinking?

He is an adult. He's not 10 years old. He isn't doing anything wrong. He's not causing trouble or committing crimes or anything like that, so just go to bed and leave him alone he knows how to get home.

Agree a therapy dog could be a great option!!
Also think he is an adult and the risk is definitely lower than you feel it is.
I would be simultaneously trying to manage my anxiety and put a tracker back in his phone!
He is actually at much less risk than his counterpart who might be going out getting drunk etc etc… young men do take risks and maybe this is his way of doing that to a degree. I have to say that if I bumped into your son dressed all in black etc I would be terrified 😂 I wonder if that would be an influencing factor for him- would he stop or adjust his behaviour if he felt it was frightening for others. You do sound like you are really catastrophising and honestly he is likely at much less risk than you think.

I live in a deprived area, it is surrounded by some of the most beautiful countryside imaginable. You can easily walk all day!
Places like that definitely exist.

This must be very challenging so I feel for you and sympathise a lot. While an adult, he is clearly vulnerable.
A man in our neighbourhood who has additional needs of a similar age roams around at all hours of the night on public transport or walking in our city. While he is minding his own business, I often wonder how worried I’d be if I were his family.
I know many will say not to worry and he’s an adult but that’s very hard to do in practice.

Are you in touch with any support groups for family members with Autistic children? You'd get some good support and understanding.

I have severe anxiety and catastrophic thinking due to constant and relentless bad things happening for the last few years, which don't ever seem to stop. Probably have ptsd too. My dd has significant mental health problems and is neurodiverse, and so I can relate to a degree, although she is much younger. We have similar issues with her out and about, although not as late.

It could be a you problem, but I also think that if he is prone to doing things like leaving keys in the door and not thinking clearly then actually you do have cause to feel the way you do.

What's the main issue? Is it that you don't want him going out late at all, or is it the communication? Does he understand what the issue is or does he think you just want to stop his fun? A support group might be able to make some suggestions to help you navigate this. I lived at home age 21 and I always kept my parents updated as a basic courtesy, not minute by minute, but what my general plan was and if that changed or was going to change then I'd let them know. I do the same with my husband and vice versa.

Tell me you have no idea what it’s like parenting a young adult with ASD without telling me you have no idea what it’s like parenting a young adult with ASD.

This would worry me too. I understand what you are saying. My asd ds has a great sense of direction and Road safety but I wouldn't trust how he would manage an interaction or altercation. Or if he would recognise danger signs.

Some charities arrange support dogs. Could you look into this. ? Or would this annoy landlord and risk your home.

This.

I live in a rural area and walking at night is not unusual. Plenty of people out and about, late night dog walking, poaching, just enjoying the quiet. I run at night if I can't sleep.

He's 21 and a big lad. At some point you're going to have to let go.

The door key is a different matter though. I'd put a sign at the bottom of the stairs saying 'Have you locked the front door, CHECK !!"

protection dog for a vulnerable young person
please don't consider this, silly idea and not for first time dog owners, likely to cause more issues.
Maybe encourage him not to dress all in black with a hood up, dress more outdoorsy so as not to attract comments or suspicion.

This is a tough one op and I do understand as I also have a 21 year old ds with autism who is a big lad and I never stop worrying about him too.

my ds often goes for walks but at a much earlier time and for fitness reasons mainly but I just ask him to check in with me periodically by text which he always does. My ds does have a large group of brilliant friends who are all lovely and ds tends to look after them on nights out as he doesn’t drink.

I do still worry about him all the time though as he tends to see the good in everyone and recently lent a girl he knows money (£75) who then ghosted him.

does he have any hobbies at all or any contact with people his own age?

agree a dog would be good for him but appreciate its not that simple.

I would be worried but don’t think you can stop him. Would he be interested in having a smartwatch like an Apple Watch or Garmin? They have trackers on them that could connect to your phone sometimes. I think they also have emergency settings where it detects if something is wrong and lets emergency contacts know. If he likes technology that could appeal.

🙄Seriously! You have no idea what it’s like parenting a vulnerable autistic young person. They fall through the cracks and attitudes like this is one of the reasons why. It s not anxiety or catastrophising speaking its parenting, safeguarding and caring in extremely challenging circumstances.

It's so difficult as your child with ASC grows up. I'm ND myself and cringe now looking back at some decisions I made and things I did, I just didn't have the awareness that NT people would so I didn't realize the potential dangers. Now, as a parent myself, I tell my DC that it's other people's behaviour that I'm worried about, so they don't feel infantilized when I worry about certain things like this.

I can understand that you want to keep him safe but he would probably be more vulnerable out clubbing. Please don't put a tracker on him, unless he is deemed not to have capacity it's completely illegal and a deprivation of his liberty. I think a dog might be ideal but if you put a tracker on the dog you would still be tracking him by proxy which is wrong.
Would a Keysafe work so you don't have to leave a key under he mat. Key on a string round the neck used to work a treat for me when I went out drinking when I was younger I could always get in the house.

I understand. I had a similar issue with DS3 going for walks in the evening/ night along a local leisure path to listen to music to help his anxiety /restlessness, he had no idea that he could be perceived as lurking suspiciously by other people, especially as we'd had incidents of a dodgy character deliberately intimidating women in the area ( thankfully now locked up !).
Sadly me warning him about not accidentally intimidating people put him off!
Would he go out during daytime if he had a "cover". We have more than one person locally who does volunteer litter picking in the countryside around us to keep busy/ get fresh air. If he had a litter picker and a fluorescent vest he'd look like he had a " legit" positive reason to be out and about, not as good as a dog but could help him be perceived more positively, especially if he could be persuaded not to wear a black hoody!
We live in a village so sorry of this seems a daft idea for your area.