Autistic Son roaming the streets at night. WWYD?

[MumofASDSon]

DS is 21 with autism and a mild learning disability although is very able. 6ft 4 and despite his challenges, he’s pretty streetwise.

He liked to go for walks at night as prefers to go when less people about (social anxiety) and has over the last few months been going for hours often not getting home until the early hours. This evening, he went out at 7pm and has now been insisting he’s on his way back for the last two hours (still not back)! He prefers to walk in forested areas just to make it worse!

He had refused to have a location tracker in his phone and found the one I disguised on it and deleted it. He has no fear, says we don’t live in ‘the hood’ (not far off it though), thinks he’s perfectly able to handle himself and we are being ridiculous when we’ve lectured him about risks to his safety.

He definitely isn’t meeting anyone and isn’t doing anything wrong, he just likes to walk for miles and take pics of things as he walks. He refuses anyone to go with him as he says he finds it calming and gives him some peace. DH used to try to follow him but he’d run off!

This is a massive safeguarding risk IMO as he’ll often ignore texts and calls for hours on end. I have great anxiety that something will happen to him as there have been some violent incidents reported round town and he’d be a big target from the groups of youths getting up to mischief in our town. Even just that he might fall somewhere and we can’t find him. I’d never forgive myself. I also have to stay up until he’s back as obviously can’t go to bed until I know he’s home.

Me, his Dad and siblings have all told him he has to stop, we encourage him to go out in the day but he won’t. Nothing’s ever happened but that just may be luck. I’ve threatened to get the police to look for him on numerous occasions as he is very vulnerable.

I am considering contacting adult social services for advice but not sure they can do anything. We can’t lock him up (he’s an adult and we do try to treat him like one). Concerned Social Care may say we are putting him at risk, letting him do this, and will try to put him in a home though. He’d probably do the same there anyway unless they did physically restrain him and that thought is horrific.

WWYD. It’s causing me a lot of stress!

In some respects I’d kind of rather he was out drinking and clubbing like other young men his age but sadly he has no friends.

My daughter with ASD walks around the house at night. She also likes the calm of night time but doesn't like going outside the house so walks around inside. (That has a different set of parenting challenges but at least I know where she is).

Obviously a tracker would be good but if he won't accept that then how about these ideas:

• a set route so you would know where to look for him if you needed to.
• an agreement that he checks in by text/whstsapp every hour/ half hour so you know he's ok.
• would an air tag or similar be more acceptable than a tracker on his phone? He could just take it with him for night walks.

We have a key safe so there's always access to a key at home.

My DD is a bit younger but the young adult years are looming and are already a bit of a worry.

FFS, he's 21, as you say not doing anything wrong and doin things that calm him.

Your behaviour is more concerning to be honest. Controlling of an adult no less.

I am autistic and at 20 was living abroad. Autistic doesn't mean incompetent

Stop stalking him and let him live his life. A small amount of risk is healthy.

You answered your own question in your op. You have anxiety. That is your problem to deal with not his

With kindness he has capacity, wants to be independent and do something he enjoys and finds beneficial to him. I don’t think you should try and stop him. You can do some keep safe work with him though about what to do in tricky situations, to better prepare him.

This is exactly what went through my mind when I read that post. Word for word.

What if he went put at 5 or 6am jist as sun beginning to rise? At least it wouldn't be as dark etc and would get lovely photos

He’s also got learning disabilities and is very vulnerable. As you know autism is a huge spectrum and just because you did something, it doesn’t mean someone else can.

I can totally get where he’s coming from in terms of the calm of night etc and he’s clearly doing nothing wrong but I understand your concern OP and don’t have any answers I’m afraid.

I don’t think a key safe helps all that much. It wouldn’t prevent him leaving the key in the door. Key around his neck sounds better. Ideally you’d have a key coded door lock, but I don’t know how much they cost or whether the landlord would agree.

Does he care that you’re worried and finding this upsetting? I don’t think a tracker is unreasonable. I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to answer the odd call. Does he know that he’s keeping you up late at night?

I really sympathise as I can feel your worry, but - with kindness (and as the parent of an autistic son, albeit a younger one) - I don’t think he’s doing anything wrong. It sounds like he’s taken quite a logical approach here: I want to walk, I can’t do it during the day, I’ll go at night. I doubt you’re going to change his mind on this.

Instead: can you work on risk management with him?

Agreed route, GPS tracking (which you agree not to check unless there are genuine reasons to think he’s come to harm), carrying his contact details clearly (you can get cards from the police in my area. My son has one to show them if he is stopped), key safe outside house, etc.

Separately, could you encourage him to join a local walking group so that he can go out during the day as well and feel safe? Or would he try orienteering? Orienteering clubs are generally friendly and welcoming and there is a large proportion of ND members.

One of my good friends likes to take her dogs for a walk at 3am. In a park that is so dodgy I don’t like to walk round it during day time. As a lone female. The dogs are small yappy things. Not even big intimidating dogs. No amount of telling her not to helps.
He’s an adult. I think you have to let him make his own mistakes

I have ADHD (diagnosed as an adult) and I used to do this - I just couldn't stand sitting around at home and needed to move - I used to walk miles and miles. Looking back I was very vulnerable, but I am a 5ft 6in woman, not a 6ft 4in man! I don't have any advice, but I did need to be out, it was really important for my mental health - I wonder if you can come up with a safer alternative (the gym, or something else active). I ended up working in bars and restaurants, which worked well for me, but I can see your ds probably wouldn't like this as it involves noise and people.

Why don’t you see if he would set his alarm early and go out in the dark in the morning. Say 5 am I always feel that all the scary people will be in bed by then so it feels safer somehow 😂

That must be really worrying.
You mentioned he struggles to weigh up consequences - can he understand that if I do X then X might happen? That's a big part of having capacity..
Could he be involved in possible solutions - you both write down the problem / why it makes you worried and also from his point of view why he needs to go on the walks - can you both think of as many ideas as possible that might help/alternatives - he can cross out any silly ones / impossible ones / ones he absolutely hates - see what you're left with and then rank them to try out?
You have probably already tried that
I don't think social services would judge you in anyway if you sought some advice I think this is something they'll be very used to

OP you sound like a lovely caring mum but YABU. I am not ND and I do have some friends, but I also like to walk at night, it's cool and calm and sometimes that's just when I'm available. I'm a woman as well, and still I don't worry. There are risks to everything in life.

There is nothing wrong with walking at any time of day and adults are allowed to do that. It's a perfectly normal, legal activity. In fact I often see many others doing the same thing when I'm out.

Worrying about him won’t make him safe so I’d let him have a key or leave one hidden and get to bed yourself.
It may be easier to ask for permission for a dog now legally - I’d try asking again.

Put him in a home ..you will be lucky ..I've begged and begged for assisted living or sheltered housing ..for my 6 foot autistic 25 year old son
I did resort to locking the doors at one point ,to keep him in ..but I felt the situation justified it at the time .
It is a nightmare,I totally sympathise,our situation is made worse by the fact our son will not wear his glasses,so he can't see at all

I understand OP, my daughter had a phase where she would do the same and also take night buses (London), I was very worried.
I always made sure she had a full bank charger with her. Had to make sure I replied to any messages promptly too.

She is now agoraphobic and does not leave the house.

I don’t know which one is worst.

He may well struggle to get himself out of a dangerous situation but it sounds like he's aware of that risk and is happy to take it. If he has capacity to make the decision to take the risk, you have absolutely no power to stop him and shouldn't be trying just because he has autism. An adult choosing to climb Everest is at extremely high risk of dying, however well equipped they are, but they are allowed to take that risk. And so is your son. He clearly gets a huge benefit from doing his night time walks and that, for him, makes it worth the risk. You've done that you can to help him mitigate those risks. It's extremely restrictive and invasive to put a tracker on him - it's very worrying that you thought it was ok to do that covertly! If a health or social care professional did that, they would be investigated for safeguarding!!!!

There is something about the darkness and night atmosphere for them.

AHH I remember your last thread when the guy shouted at him.

I think you need to do some sort of grown up social stories with him, how this impact you and other people, how him being dressed in dark clothes and being large man impacts people and then look at alternatives for his nightly galavanting. An agreed return time, letting you know roughly which route he will take (this is good practise for anyone doing solo outward bound type activities), look into joining a. Proper night walk group, we have some locally at the local nature reserve that do star gazing and night photography events, he might meet some like minded people. Ofcourse if he moved out you would be none the wiser and he would be free to help out and about when he liked.

With regards to the key, get a key safe.

i think I would push the tracker.

would he agree to an air tag that he only wears out in these situations? Like ‘if you are going to be out after 11pm I need you to take an air tag’ - perhaps if you had the same rule for all of you? If you are ever going to be out late you have a tracker or air tag?

What about getting a keypad lock with a code to enter instead of a key?

Would a type of ‘social story’ work for your DS? A couple of different scenarios where you could talk him through things he hasn’t considered?

E.g. a man goes for a walk at night and a woman is attacked in the same area. Man isn’t responsible but is arrested anyway for being seen behaving suspiciously.

I don’t know if he’d be receptive to this but it might start him thinking about consequences.

My DS is Autistic, mild learning difficulty and no sense of risk. He likes to go out and walk but this tends to be during the day. I totally understand how you feel (please ignore all the people who say that you are the problem).

My son doing this sort of thing is one of my worst fears. I completely hear you.

I can’t quite remember the details but the police near me do some sort of passport things where you can register someone with them, and any needs/vulnerabilities they have. Then if they are ever stopped by the police it should flag up that this is x, he’s autistic and has learning difficulties and goes for daily walks alone at night ie if you find him looking dodgy at 3am this is not a reason to interrogate him. Interactions with the police going wrong probably isn’t your greatest fear, but it’s something.

I wonder if the NAS helpline might be able to point you in the direction of some support.

I appreciate he doesn’t want someone from his family to go with him but it were possible to get funding for a support worker who was closer to his age to go with him on these walks that might be worth investigating. Or is there a befriending organisation out there that might even have a volunteer who was in to photography.