Autistic Son roaming the streets at night. WWYD?

[MumofASDSon]

DS is 21 with autism and a mild learning disability although is very able. 6ft 4 and despite his challenges, he’s pretty streetwise.

He liked to go for walks at night as prefers to go when less people about (social anxiety) and has over the last few months been going for hours often not getting home until the early hours. This evening, he went out at 7pm and has now been insisting he’s on his way back for the last two hours (still not back)! He prefers to walk in forested areas just to make it worse!

He had refused to have a location tracker in his phone and found the one I disguised on it and deleted it. He has no fear, says we don’t live in ‘the hood’ (not far off it though), thinks he’s perfectly able to handle himself and we are being ridiculous when we’ve lectured him about risks to his safety.

He definitely isn’t meeting anyone and isn’t doing anything wrong, he just likes to walk for miles and take pics of things as he walks. He refuses anyone to go with him as he says he finds it calming and gives him some peace. DH used to try to follow him but he’d run off!

This is a massive safeguarding risk IMO as he’ll often ignore texts and calls for hours on end. I have great anxiety that something will happen to him as there have been some violent incidents reported round town and he’d be a big target from the groups of youths getting up to mischief in our town. Even just that he might fall somewhere and we can’t find him. I’d never forgive myself. I also have to stay up until he’s back as obviously can’t go to bed until I know he’s home.

Me, his Dad and siblings have all told him he has to stop, we encourage him to go out in the day but he won’t. Nothing’s ever happened but that just may be luck. I’ve threatened to get the police to look for him on numerous occasions as he is very vulnerable.

I am considering contacting adult social services for advice but not sure they can do anything. We can’t lock him up (he’s an adult and we do try to treat him like one). Concerned Social Care may say we are putting him at risk, letting him do this, and will try to put him in a home though. He’d probably do the same there anyway unless they did physically restrain him and that thought is horrific.

WWYD. It’s causing me a lot of stress!

In some respects I’d kind of rather he was out drinking and clubbing like other young men his age but sadly he has no friends.

OP, I don't know if this will reassure or not but your post made me want to tell you.
In my mid twenties, I met a young man very much like your son even down to the beautiful night photographs. 17 years and three DC later, he is fastidious about communicating and making sure that all doors are locked before everyone goes to bed. He still loves a good night walk though 😊.

I’m guessing he is considered to have capacity, with no DOLS in place. So yes advise him but be aware he is entitled to make rubbish decisions like everyone else. If you truly fear for his safety call the police. Explain he is vulnerable.

however as a priority I’d him down and chat about how to reduce the risk, identify safer areas to walk, areas to avoid, ask him to inform you of his route planned, being contactable by phone, what to do if approached (run), who to contact in a situation (police, 999, taxi, you), role play phonecall. So minimise the risk o guess.

Picking up from a previous post. Our son has both a 'police passport' and one for the hospital. This is just in case he should run into difficulties.

Did you post about your DS before? After he got shouted at for acting ‘strangely’ for being out in the woods during the day or something? I might have you mixed up with another poster!

I do understand your worries. But I also think that what he is doing is very beautiful and peaceful , and that it could be, on balance, the safest thing for him,. Think of the alternatives. Awake at night and frustrated/brooding/anxious, or awake at night and sucked into disturbing internet content.

When your child is challenged enough by autism to be extremely vulnerable, but also well enough to make autonomous decisions and appear to the world as someone without those challenges, he and you are in a uniquely difficult situation. There is no way of life that eliminates the difficulty of the situation, but there are less-bad and more-bad dangers.

My son had autism and also developed severe mental health problems (which I think were , at route, a deepening of his autism, but which took the form of psychosis).

He was routinely awake much of the night, and using the internet. I know that what he experienced online included things that worsened his mental health significantly. And so did the cramped solitude of his nighttime lifestyle.

I would have been very afraid, like you, if he was roaming the streets at night. But on balance I think your son's solution is more healthy than my son's was. (He died as a result of his mental health issues)

Also, now that your son is an adult, you just have to adapt to him making more and more decisions that increase your fear, as he moves towards whatever level of independence is appropriate for him. Young adults take all sorts of risks that terrify their parents. At a similar age my non-autistic son cycled across Europe and sometimes slept under bridges etc!

The problem with the key is a bit different. I think you are entitled to stand your ground there. I think you can get keyholders that fix to the front of the house and are opened by a combination number. Would something like that help?

Might there be a PureGym he would walk to, exercise and walk from? They’re unmanned but open 24x7 and it might give him some focus; it could also help you because at least you’d know where he is.

Apparently there is often a few nocturnal people who go in the dead of night, whether shift workers or just non sleepers, and it’s covered by central CCTV and a two way comms alarm system so safe enough.

Just an idea if he might go for it. It doesn’t help with the key situation!

OP I don't have much to offer except sympathy

One of my young adult sons started doing this in nearby woodland about a year ago - two things fairly close together put a stop to it. Firstly he literally 'bumped into' 2 women in the dark who were very angry with him for frightening them [he wasn't doing anything other than walking and thinking] and secondly was verbally abused and chased by some drunken 'youths'

After these 2 events he stopped his nocturnal jaunts of his own accord

Would he be willing to carry like a screech alarm?

Or would he consider taking something like Jujitsu classes. If you could afford it you could pay for private classes, so if something did happen he would be able to look after himself.

Failing that would relocating as a family to a safer part of the city or where ever you live be an option. It would be very dangerous for men to be roaming in the dark where I used to love but perfectly safe where I live now. Even in cities there is often a big difference in safety of areas

I’m so sorry to read of your son’s death @GoodOldEmmaNess 💐

I have two teenagers with ASD and poor risk perception. I can understand your anxiety. I think people who don't have experience of parenting neurodiverse children are unlikely to understand what it is like to try to balance the need for independence with the need for safety.

Maybe you do have to let him make his own choices and take risks, and maybe you have to learn to live with that. That's really hard to do. There may be ways to mitigate the risk.

I think that needs to be separated out from his behaviour which actually affects you. If he can't look after a key and ensure the house is secure, you are reasonable to expect him to find a solution. It invalidates your insurance and puts you at risk (and would give me massive anxiety). It is your house and your are entitled to expect reasonable security arrangements.

The rules on pets changed so landlords can't blanketly refuse. I doubt he would qualify for an assistance dog but worth checking. As for the key situation, get a lock box for outside.

A dog really could be the solution both for safety but also they can help with social anxiety when out in the daytime as people are generally friendly with dogs. Just a tip though, definitely look at rescues because puppies can't be walked that far at first.

I wonder about the tracker point. So if its an iPhone then surely it can just be connected to you on the Find my app. He doesn't need it, only you. But you can set his phone to give you permission. Or give him an Airtag for his keys? To help him find them/keep hold of them and track the airtag (risks panic if he drops them mind you)

If it's an Android I think you can set Google maps location share to be always on. Again this does not need an extra app

If he is leaving keys in the door would he be open to having one on a long cord attached to his trousers? He wouldn't lose it then or leave it in the door. It's not having a go at him but giving him some extra tools to help with the forgetting?

Doesn't answer your other issues but I think everyone else has said what else I'd say

I get this and my parents got me a dog and the dog is my best friend now. That's the time I can walk miles without realising and enjoy the total peace,quiet and night skies. My parents decided to get me a lab and at first I wasn't to keen tbh but now I adore her and I have autism etc and she helps enormously with my confidence and I quite often will now walk in the days aswell which I didn't really do alone

My son does this. He also likes to walk without a torch because he loves the moonlight and he thinks torches draw unwanted attention to a person. He has excellent low light vision.

For my son, it is a way of regulating his sense and his emotions, and he does have a bit of an obsession about exercise. He does not answer his phone or text messages when he is hyper-focusing on his walk.

I do worry about him, but I wonder how much of my worry is from a neurotypical bias (if this is the correct term to use). For example, I know I would worry less if he was out with his mates drinking and clubbing, because that is what people in their early twenties do (stereotypically). Yet, those situations are far more dangerous than a moonlit walk in our local woods.

They can refuse a therapy dog (as can anywhere) - they can't however, refuse an assistance dog.

Assistance dogs are regarded as an auxiliary aid to a person with a disability whereas a therapy dog is not.

We have two assistance dogs in our house, one for ASD and the other is a hearing assistance dog.

He might get less of a reaction during the day if he was wearing ‘walking’ clothes. Would he try that? Small rucksack, walking trousers, fleece, walking boots.

My son (30) has autism and learning difficulties. He has his key attached with a chain to his backpack. His wallet is also attached, to stop him losing that too! He always goes out with a support worker, but still manages to lose things!

You can get attachments that let you attach a key to a phone.

Phone charms seems to be what they are called.

It would stop him leaving the key in the door.

What about an air tag attached to some keys - would solve the tracking and the losing keys issue!

You might have more luck persuading him to share his location or check in occasionally if you frame it as being about how you feel rather than trying to get him to agree that it’s objectively risky. Explain that you worry, you can’t sleep, and that even if your worries are misplaced they are still affecting you so what can you come up with together to address it?

In all honesty I don’t think there’s anything you can do but contact the adult team at SS . IF Social Services did deem he was at risk there are things you can do. For example my autistic son would go out of the front door at night and also into the kitchen where he’d make food. As it is dangerous for him to make food without supervision we lock the door to the kitchen at night and other doors in the house. As he’s an adult this is deemed to “deprive him of his liberty” so we have a Deprivation of Liberty Order from the Court of Protection which legally allows us to lock all the doors at night.

I can guarantee they will not put him in a home. My son now lives in a residential setting and it’s Thousands a week, more the £5k. Councils do not have that kind of money.

Yanbu to be worried but Yabu to try to stop it if he enjoys it.

Do you think you would feel better if he took you on a night walk once? Would he do this as a one off? Perhaps if you saw for yourself that it was quiet and beautiful you could understand better his motivation and see it a bit more from his perspective. You would also know his route if you were ever worried enough to want to go and look for him.

As others have said it’s all about risk-reward and you can see the risk but it doesn’t seem like you are valuing the reward.

This is interesting, I’ve never heard of this but it might be good for my son. Do you have any information you could share?

Agree! Iwould also be concerned for the wellbeing of anyone roaming around in the dark in a town that has knife crime ! It really doesn’t take a lot of dramatisation to be concerned!