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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to expect a three-day stay with a friend to include some activities?

90 replies

potofpins · 11/04/2024 12:27

I'm the kind of person who, when people come to visit and stay over with me, tries to offer a selection of things we can do and places we can go. From my pov as host, it helps break the days up and gives us something to talk about. It can also give us a bit of time out from each other.

I have an old friend who used to live locally. We used to go round to each others' homes for a coffee or a drink or meet up with in town for events etc. A couple of years ago she moved from our town and bought a place a 4-hour drive away. It's quite rural but in lovely countryside.

She regularly asks me to go and visit: I think she's probably a bit lonely. I've been twice, the latest time last autumn. I stayed for three nights and I was desperate to get away by the end of it because she had no interest in going any further than the local village for milk and bread and she wasn't keen on the idea of me going off on my own to explore. We ran out of things to talk about fairly early on so I ended up doing household chores with her (cleaning out kitchen cupboards, gardening, planting bulbs, cleaning our cars) and helping to cook and tidy up. I sat in her living room reading a book while she did life admin. In the evening we watched her choice of TV. All my suggestions to take us out to lunch or to the pub for supper, or to visit a local NT place were refused — even though I made it clear they'd be my treat. When I said that perhaps I'd go to the NT place on my own, as I'd like to see it, she said 'But you're here visiting me, why would you do that?'

She's been asking me to go and visit again next month. Would it be unreasonable to say I will, but only on the basis that we go out and do something each day, at my expense if necessary, or that I go out and get to explore the area on my own?

OP posts:
TraitorsGate · 11/04/2024 12:30

What if she says no. Would you still want to visit. You could stay in a local hotel, explore the area on your own and just spend one day or evening with her. Would she be willing to visit you instead.

CarefulWithThat · 11/04/2024 12:36

I would say ‘yes I have been thinking of visiting your area again. You live in such a great place and I am keen on visiting x, y and z. It would be lovely if I could stay with you and do those things when I visit. You are welcome to join me of course as it would be nice to do them together!’

Make your agenda clear and that seeing her is not the only focus.

KStockHERO · 11/04/2024 12:36

We ran out of things to talk about fairly early on so I ended up doing household chores with her (cleaning out kitchen cupboards, gardening, planting bulbs, cleaning our cars) and helping to cook and tidy up.

No wonder she's invited you back Grin

SambaRose · 11/04/2024 12:39

I have friends and family I could sit and chat to all day everyday for three days and still not run out of things to say.
With others however going out is a welcome change of scenery after a couple of hours.
It's a bit odd your friend didn't want to eat out or anything though. Maybe just visit for a night if you want to maintain the relationship and she's not wanting to do anything g on this visit.

TayIor · 11/04/2024 12:50

I agree with you, I wouldn't go and stay with someone to just sit in the entire time. Meals out, walks, a nose around shops, trips to local attractions are all normal when staying with friends.

Neodymium · 11/04/2024 12:52

Op you can come to my house and clean my cupboards too if you like 😂

potofpins · 11/04/2024 12:55

TraitorsGate · 11/04/2024 12:30

What if she says no. Would you still want to visit. You could stay in a local hotel, explore the area on your own and just spend one day or evening with her. Would she be willing to visit you instead.

If she says no I'm not going to feel the need to go back there. We speak every week or two and have the occasional group Zoom with a wider group of friends. I don't have much money to spare at the end of each month and the idea of paying £70 in petrol and then possibly another £100 a night for accommodation and meals in order to visit someone who just wants company to do some gardening and watching TV doesn't sit right. Fine if she was an elderly relative, but not for an active person in her 50s.

OP posts:
BarrelOfOtters · 11/04/2024 12:56

We have a sort of related to us couple who visit and I think would happily just sit in the house the whole time apart from dog walks. They want to watch films….I’m very fond of them,but it’s odd….

Squirrelblanket · 11/04/2024 12:58

Hmmm I see both sides!

I have friends and family that I can visit and happily just chill out with at their home and do very little because we just enjoy each others company. I have others where I plan visits carefully around an event or a trip because although I enjoy their company, I'm aware we run out of conversation more easily. (Usually people I've known for years that I'm very fond of but we have very different lives.)

With this friend, it sounds like you know each other well. I would say to them that yes you'd love to visit again but you're really keen to see/do x,y,z while you're there and do they want to join you, or would it make more sense for you to stay in a hotel and just meet up with them in the evenings? Then see what they say.

JMSA · 11/04/2024 13:03

I'd say 'I'd love to come, but do get a bit stir crazy if I stay in all day. I need to get out and about for a bit. Let me know if you have any recommendations!'

I'd definitely set the expectations prior to the visit.

quizzys · 11/04/2024 13:04

Maybe a compromise (if you really want to keep up contact and see her that is) -

Is there a town or attraction or something you'd like to see or do at a halfway point for both of you maybe? If she asks to see you then suggest a night in X town. I know it will cost for an overnight but it may be somewhere you could bot h catch a coach (cheaper than the train) to and AirBnB it midweek or something?

If she is not interested just postpone and say you are busy, but next time she feels like going to X town, you'll see her there. Does she ever go to visit you?

timetodeclutter · 11/04/2024 13:05

YANBU

When I go to visit family in the countryside, I quite like hibernating and would be fine not to do trips out.

So I could understand if she hadn't planned a programme of activities. But I do think it's that really odd that she's not happy for you to go on your own and do things, and is so resistant to going out for a meal together.

WonderingWanda · 11/04/2024 13:07

Could you go and stay near her, plan to do some things and then arrange one afternoon where you pop round with tea and cake?

It sounds like she is either very boring or has some anxiety about going out. It's really strange to not do anything.

RoseGoldEagle · 11/04/2024 13:08

Yeah that is odd! Even when I’m with people I adore where the conversation is easy, it’s still nice to get out and about together and have experiences in the outside world!

KreedKafer · 11/04/2024 13:10

All my suggestions to take us out to lunch or to the pub for supper, or to visit a local NT place were refused — even though I made it clear they'd be my treat.

Did she give any reason for refusing to go anywhere with you?

She sounds like a really strange person to be honest. It is odd to invite someone to your home and then a) refuse to go anywhere with them even though they’re offering to pay and b) not let them go anywhere on their own either. Really peculiar behaviour. She’s not agoraphobic or something, is she?

Either way - if she invites you again I think I’d be quite blunt and say you’d like to come but only if you can go out and do things, either separately or together. If she refuses to contemplate doing anything, then say you’d rather not come because you’re not someone who can just stay in all the time.

VainAbigail · 11/04/2024 13:15

When I said that perhaps I'd go to the NT place on my own, as I'd like to see it, she said 'But you're here visiting me, why would you do that?

What was your reply to this?

YearsofYears · 11/04/2024 13:17

Usually when someone comes to visit I'm better at planning and getting out and about to show them the nice things near me. It's a great excuse. Washing cars on a weekend away would be the last straw for me. I would stick to visiting a restaurant or a group activity in future.

Jf20 · 11/04/2024 13:19

I am not sure either are unreasonable, she thinks you’re coming to see and spend time with her, and doesn’t see it as visitin the area so going off to sight see or out for meals. She thinks you’re there to keep her company and visit. And you don’t wish to do that, which is fair enough,

just decline. You know the score, so say you can’t as busy and make an excuse.

Sirzy · 11/04/2024 13:23

I would find one place locally and then say “that’s great I will be going to x while I am there and would love you to come with me”

Workawayxx · 11/04/2024 13:27

id say it’s not essential to go places but her carrying on with her normal routine while you slot in doesn’t sound much fun!

Maybe reply something like:

It’s always lovely to see you but I do like to get out and about every day even just for a walk or coffee or a bit of window shopping. So i could come but plan something for the days and you are welcome to join me or not. Would that work for you?

grapeomelette · 11/04/2024 13:38

I just wouldn't go. It sounds suffocating.

potofpins · 11/04/2024 13:40

Jf20 · 11/04/2024 13:19

I am not sure either are unreasonable, she thinks you’re coming to see and spend time with her, and doesn’t see it as visitin the area so going off to sight see or out for meals. She thinks you’re there to keep her company and visit. And you don’t wish to do that, which is fair enough,

just decline. You know the score, so say you can’t as busy and make an excuse.

Ah; I wonder if you're onto something here.

When people come to visit me I work on the basis that although I can be good company for an evening or maybe even a day, people will probably get weary of me if we're on top of each other day after day. I certainly get weary of them. So I build in things that will get us out of the house with opportunities for us to have a bit of space and do our own thing. I don't assume that I'm interesting or easygoing enough for people to find pleasure merely in being with me. I find that a bit odd.

@KreedKafer she does go out, but I think she's found it difficult to make friends since moving up there so she doesn't have a social circle. She has an elderly mother she looks after one week in four: she goes to her mum's. So not agoraphobic.

When I proposed, say, going to the pub for supper she'd say that she'd got food planned (it was nothing special that wouldn't keep) and why go out?

I think this has highlighted the difference between those friends who are good company for a day or an evening, but not for 72 hours at a time.

OP posts:
nononocontact · 11/04/2024 14:34

I would just say, that might be fun - I could go to X Saturday and Y Sunday that I didn’t get to last time. Would you be up for joining?

Then she can say it doesn’t suit (and you can decline due to the expense) or you can go and you’ve already set the itinerary!

Totally with you on this because if you don’t visit the place you’re in then you could really be anywhere (and the catch-up could be on the phone and not a huge expense!). Honestly the “but you’re here visiting me” is bizarre and truly mortifying!

Riverlee · 11/04/2024 14:40

Don’ go for so long, or maybe visit her en route to somewhere else?

I agree though, I wouldn’t want to end up doing household stuff in someone else’s house , and would feel embarrassed if a guest came and cleaned my cupboards whilst visiting. It’s okay to
gave a quiet time - go on walks etc, but to be stuck inside would be frustrating. If she was doing life admin, sounds like she ignored you.

Riverlee · 11/04/2024 14:41

Just another thought, is she worried about sending money?

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