AIBU to expect a three-day stay with a friend to include some activities?

[potofpins]

I'm the kind of person who, when people come to visit and stay over with me, tries to offer a selection of things we can do and places we can go. From my pov as host, it helps break the days up and gives us something to talk about. It can also give us a bit of time out from each other.

I have an old friend who used to live locally. We used to go round to each others' homes for a coffee or a drink or meet up with in town for events etc. A couple of years ago she moved from our town and bought a place a 4-hour drive away. It's quite rural but in lovely countryside.

She regularly asks me to go and visit: I think she's probably a bit lonely. I've been twice, the latest time last autumn. I stayed for three nights and I was desperate to get away by the end of it because she had no interest in going any further than the local village for milk and bread and she wasn't keen on the idea of me going off on my own to explore. We ran out of things to talk about fairly early on so I ended up doing household chores with her (cleaning out kitchen cupboards, gardening, planting bulbs, cleaning our cars) and helping to cook and tidy up. I sat in her living room reading a book while she did life admin. In the evening we watched her choice of TV. All my suggestions to take us out to lunch or to the pub for supper, or to visit a local NT place were refused — even though I made it clear they'd be my treat. When I said that perhaps I'd go to the NT place on my own, as I'd like to see it, she said 'But you're here visiting me, why would you do that?'

She's been asking me to go and visit again next month. Would it be unreasonable to say I will, but only on the basis that we go out and do something each day, at my expense if necessary, or that I go out and get to explore the area on my own?

You’ll be compromising if you go & I bet you won’t enjoy it again as the friend is rigid and not aligned with yourself.. just don’t go. Life is too short. If you miss her, invite her to meet half way.

I just wouldn't go. You tried last time and she doesn't seem to have picked up on your boredom. I have friends who I could do nothing with for days and still have a fantastic time, but this is clearly not your situation!

I wouldn't waste an entire weekend away, the time or money, on someone who wasn't great company and so different from you.

We offer a whole selection of activities and could keep guests busy for a couple of weeks, I could never have guests just sitting around, but then I'd never just sit around either.

Is she "careful" with her money?
She saves hotel money by staying at yours and doesn't do anything when you visit so spends no extra money.?
When guests stay you do what pleases them. You don't steamroller them to do what you like.
Give the next visit a miss as you'll be doing what she wants which sounds a bit boring and selfish if you've driven all that way xx

When you visited last time and you said you wanted to go out and she said I thought you came to visit me you should have got your coat and bag and said to her you are off out as need to get out of the house and is she joining you. She was passive aggressively bullying you into staying indoors. So tell her if you do visit you have a few things planned as go stir crazy if indoors all the time and if she wants to join you great and if not you will be out and about doing stuff and going for dinner in pub etc. See what she says as she is not the boss of you at all.

Hmm, sounds as though she is the star in her show, and expects to be the star in yours too when she's with you.

But everyone gets to be the star in their own show at times, and she's not letting you have your moment. She's not a very good friend, is she?!

No wonder she hasn't made local friends though, living like a hermit.

Your friends life has shrunk since she moved there, she hasn’t got a social circle and her life sounds very small, she has got used to doing very little but feels lonely. That’s where you come in, to plug the gaps. She still wants to do what she wants to do - but with you there to give her company, she sounds a little bit selfish, not taking your wishes into account.

Hold your boundary, I can come but I need to go out - I agree she is weighing up whether it’s worth her doing something she doesn’t want to do, to have the company of a friend. She wants this friendship on her own terms.

I would not be interested in this relationship in the longer term, because you are not compatible any longer. You want to go out, see things and have fun, she is content to stay at home pottering these days, neither are wrong - just different. I can’t imagine cleaning someone’s cupboards for fun, and would find the whole thing quite stifling.

Oh no
Don't go on holiday to play board games.

It's quite common to do that though eg 'I'll be in your town in February for X thing' and your friend might say 'oh stay with me then' and they know you'll be treating the place like a hotel to some extent, but you spend some time with the hosting friend as well of course.

Sounds like her world has shrunk a lot since she moved to a rural location. Maybe she's one of the types who posts on here saying "AIBU to basically spend my life sitting at home watching netflix because going out feels like hard work?" The problem is that people like that often still expect friends to "be there for them" whenever they do feel like a bit of company. They forget that friendships are things that you have to put some effort into as well.

When my cousin comes to stay, or I go to her, we go nowhere. We just sit and talk and talk and talk (and stuff our faces). I definitely couldn't do that with just anyone though.

You are taking valuable time off work and you are spending hard earned money to go on holiday.
But there is an huge mis-match between your expectations of the time spent together and hers.

She refuses to compromise in any way, insisting you have gone to visit her (and her kitchen drawers) and not the local attractions and so you have to make all the adjustments, none of which are holiday type activities. You were very generous to do that, but the point is, she took your generosity for granted and didn’t recognise it. She wasn’t a good hostess OP, and out of good manners you uncomplainingly went along with it.

It’s good you have decided to be more pro-active on getting something out of your time off for yourself too.
You have put the ball in her court.
I hope she has a light-bulb moment and realises how unreasonable she was last time. If she is short of cash, she needs to offer low cost activities instead, if she still expects you to visit.

You certainly wouldn’t be unreasonable to find a way to refuse to repeat that first, very dull experience at her house.

I think sometimes it’s worth really considering whether it’s time to let go of a friendship. Whilst we all need to make compromises, this is your life, spend it with the people who care about you, care about your thoughts and care about what you want to do. It doesn’t mean your friendship was always bad, it’s just some of them don’t last forever. And that’s ok.

I think I would look for an event on nearby and just throw it into conversation. Don't make it an ultimatum as that could make things awkward, but you could say something like "how about I come stay on weekend of ??th and ??th, there's a show/fayre/steam rally (anything really) just down the road we could go to, be a nice day out?"

If she refuses to go to said event but you still want to go stay too appease her, maybe say you'll go to the event en route and get to her in the afternoon/evening after and then just spend the one day with her (two nights) then head home?

I’d just a say upfront- I’d really love to see x and y while I’m with you- can I book it for us? Surely you have the chats while you’re doing the things….