AIBU to expect a three-day stay with a friend to include some activities?

[potofpins]

I'm the kind of person who, when people come to visit and stay over with me, tries to offer a selection of things we can do and places we can go. From my pov as host, it helps break the days up and gives us something to talk about. It can also give us a bit of time out from each other.

I have an old friend who used to live locally. We used to go round to each others' homes for a coffee or a drink or meet up with in town for events etc. A couple of years ago she moved from our town and bought a place a 4-hour drive away. It's quite rural but in lovely countryside.

She regularly asks me to go and visit: I think she's probably a bit lonely. I've been twice, the latest time last autumn. I stayed for three nights and I was desperate to get away by the end of it because she had no interest in going any further than the local village for milk and bread and she wasn't keen on the idea of me going off on my own to explore. We ran out of things to talk about fairly early on so I ended up doing household chores with her (cleaning out kitchen cupboards, gardening, planting bulbs, cleaning our cars) and helping to cook and tidy up. I sat in her living room reading a book while she did life admin. In the evening we watched her choice of TV. All my suggestions to take us out to lunch or to the pub for supper, or to visit a local NT place were refused — even though I made it clear they'd be my treat. When I said that perhaps I'd go to the NT place on my own, as I'd like to see it, she said 'But you're here visiting me, why would you do that?'

She's been asking me to go and visit again next month. Would it be unreasonable to say I will, but only on the basis that we go out and do something each day, at my expense if necessary, or that I go out and get to explore the area on my own?

You ended up doing housework? Fancy coming to visit me? 🤣🤣🤣

Thinking about this some more, I’m getting really annoyed!! I think she’s a rubbish host and by extension a bit of a crap friend. Wouldn’t anyone with an ounce of decency “allow” their friend to go out for the day rather than watching them clean out their cupboards?

I think I would tell her I won’t be visiting and exactly why! Any wonder she’s lonely when this is how she treats friends who come to visit!

I initially gave her the benefit of the doubt but thinking on it, I cannot imagine having a friend round and refusing to go anywhere, also refusing to let them go anywhere without me, and let them clean my home ? It is beyond entitled!

She does not sound like a generous host interms of thinking what guests would most enjoy and seems deadly dull - cleaning out cupboards!!!!! Surely you're worth a bit more than that! I would drop the friendship and spend time with some more fun people who are into doing the activities you like and make you laugh. Life is too short for wasting a whole 3 days and loads of £ on being bored.

I'm beginning to wonder if hosting is a skill and not everyone learns it. She's stayed with me twice, but on each occasion she came because there was an event on that she wanted to attend. The first time one of our mutual friends had a big birthday bash and the second time there was a concert on that she wanted to attend, so those trips were built around activities. Although now I think of it, she did seem to spend a lot of time just sitting round in my house when we could have been out and about.

I'm going to message her and say that if I come up again, it will be with plans to visit a number of places (I might even list them) and she's welcome to come along, but I need to feel that I'm getting a bit of a break from routine and seeing the area where she lives properly. If she takes offence, well...

I would stay at a local hotel and visit her and alternate it with visits and trips out. This way you're in control and not hostage to her boring plans.

I wouldn't accept an invitation to stay over with someone where I knew the conversation would run out AND we wouldn't go out. I'd rather go out but could cope if there was plenty to talk about.

If I were you OP, I'd either decline the invite or insist on booking or agreeing on an activity in advance. It sounds like your last visit was very tedious. I'd rather stay home and do my own housework.

God, that sounds dull. As you say, she hasnt learned the art of hosting. You're meant to entertain guests not have them cleaning your cupboards.

I'd stay elsewhere but close by for a couple of nights, arrange to see a few places and just have a flying visit with your friend.

It sounds incredibly dull. When I visit friends and when they visit me, we always go out and about. I would go mad sitting inside the house all day long. I think your message is a good idea, and if she refuses to accept you going out and doing things, then I would decline to visit her in future.

Totally understand. Could you book a couple of things (without having to pay in advance) and tell her you've done this, as a surprise/treat, something you think would be nice and you really want to do? Xx

Why do you think it was, OP?

Is she agoraphobic/ generally doesn't leave the house very much? For example I have a relative like this who just hardly ever goes out herself, and she would never arrange anything when I visit because it's just unknown to her.

Could it be general anxiety?

Or does she have money worries?

Either way it sounds like you have different expectations of hosting/ visiting one another, so you need a conversation to get on the same page before you go again.

Is she nervous going out and about usually?
Maybe she's got a touch of social anxiety and feels much more comfortable and safe staying at home?

Are there any other activities you could do / take? I don't suppose you're both into any board games or anything? That can pass many hours!

Invite her to yours instead.

I think you are going to offend one way or another, she wants you to stay home with her, however politely you say you want to go out it's not going to be acceptable. Invite her to yours, your rules, or arrange to meet up at a hotel for a couple of nights, preferably with on site things to do.

She's a CF. I would never expect a friend to sit about clearing my cupboards. If you want to visit the area again, stay in a hotel.

It seems to me that the OP and the OP's friend/host simply have different views on the purpose of the visit. The host wants to spend a relaxed time together with her guest, chatting, hanging out etc.- she may not be much of a "going out" person, she is prioritising companionship. The OP on the other hand is prioritising the place, making the most of her time off, and approaching it like a tourist visit: what can I see in this area that's worth seeing? How can I get to know the area? What are the best attractions, restaurants etc?

Neither approach is wrong or unreasonable, but they are at odds. They don't have similar personalities, or friendship "styles".

Would wonder about social anxiety and also undiagnosed ND too...

That sense of rigidity about how the visit should go, not seeing your feelings and preferences as "valid"....

If you've only socialised with her in a more constrained form, maybe think about whether or not you can emotionally and practically commit to longer visits? A few days visit is a big thing.

If you'd enjoyed it fair enough but if you were relieved to go home and worrying about money, it's hardly a break.

When younger, I had a close friendship with someone who was similar, but had to detach.

She was a sweet person in many ways, and we had some nice experiences together.

However, any activities that weren't exactly how she liked them (not even the activity choice, but down to me doing something not the way she liked) ended up being shut down.

(Strongly suspect ND but there wasn't really anything I could do.

I can be quite rigid myself, but if I want to do exactly my own thing I can't necessarily force or expect people to want to go along with it)

The "but you came to visit me" line to stop you going out is exactly the sort of thing she'd say. There was no room for flexibility or my feelings.

There was always a set idea of what I was going to be doing. If I strayed from her script then I was "wrong".

So every chunk of time together was me compromising all the time and coddling her emotionally (but getting exasperated) and her thinking we were happy friends together.

It was hard as I was a bit naive and often ended up spending loads of extra time and money to work around her needs.

Unfortunately that's only something people realistically want to do for their partners and children and immediate family, not a friend.

It's a shame your friend is lonely but you really don't want to end up being her only support person if this is just how she is naturally.

My ex-friend has achieved a good standard of life and lives in a beautiful place

but clearly still is similar judging by her social media - not compromising, she wants to do something her own way, everyone else is wrong. So people don't want to get too close.

Ok for smaller social interactions where you can walk away, but tough for more complicated ones!

I see people are mentioning agoraphobia. I have agoraphobia/anxiety for the last few years, no warnings I would ever get it, and it sounds very similar to me. I do go out places, since therapy and learning techniques to manage my symptoms, but can do that on the good days. I can manage places I know, lots of time outside at the coast or countryside (for other agoraphobics that would be a problem as there’s no size fits all) I can manage inside in new surroundings sometimes. Eating out and inside a building probably not as for me it’s a trapped feeling that triggers the horrendous symptoms. Your friend sounds similar as she’s sticking to a routine, very hard for me to explain as doesn’t make sense to me half the time, but routines and set things on set days help you to get through the day.

Mine was brought on by a nervous breakdown and subsequent lockdowns so my much needed treatment was delayed and I have PTSD which switched over to all of this as well. But I was very isolated beforehand living alone weeks at a time, partner worked away, in a village where I knew no one. I could go weeks and not speak to anyone. Your friend sounds like she is very lonely normally and only her mum as contact 1/4 of the month. Sadly isolation and no support network can lead to this as I now know.

Bearing in mind she won’t necessarily realise she has anxiety as she’s sticking to a safe routine. I would go and see her as I’d want to know my friend is ok. But ask to do things like go for a sandwich or picnic somewhere, a nice walk etc. Try to encourage her or ask if there’s something she likes to do like visit a beauty spot. She may need your friendship more than you realise.

She's not agoraphobic. She came to visit me to attend a concert last year and she lives one week each month with her mum. She also has a part-time job that takes her out of the house. I've known anxious people and she's not one of them.

I think she just isn't someone who goes out much. When she lived in my area I assumed she was social because most months she'd come out with a small group to the cinema or theatre or music or just a pub quiz night. But I think probably she only ever went out if someone else organised it.

Definitely set expectations and say you'd love to visit but can we plan to do x, y z as you're not one for sitting around for too long and would be nice to see more of her area.

On a personal level I would expect to do something, and would arrange some activities for my visitors, even if they wanted to just relax and chill out. We've moved a few times during our careers, so it's nice to show people where we are, things to do i the area and so on.

On the other hand, my DF had a lot of his ex-army colleagues visit our home over the years, especially in his later years as they all got older. They never ever did anything that I'm aware of. They would stay a few days, never go to the local town/village, never go out to eat. They would sit around in the evening mostly talking and playing cards. During the day they walked with DF on the farm, and helped out on various jobs. They sometimes walked to the local coastal path, but that was about it! They were clearly very close, and enjoyed their time together.

Is she Father Stone?

I'd actually quite enjoy cleaning out cupboards with a mate (yes I know that's weird).

However I agree that if you're visiting a pretty bit of the country then you'd be completely within your reason to say "I'd love to come and visit again, but you know me, I love a stately home/church/museum and I really want to take advantage of the trip to see more of Derbyshire/ Shropshire/ Suffolk, so I'm going to book a couple of excursions while I'm with you. Would you like to come with me (my treat?) or shall I go on my own." Don't take no for an answer, and pre-book trips even if you don't necessarily have to.

That does kind of again remind me of my (possibly autistic) ex-friend....

In a group she was better as she had to go along to get along with more people (some who are bossy) and I think that's essentially what she'll does now (not in the deep country so she joins Women's Institute meets etc).

Plus for work, again there's a hierarchy so I think she functioned well there.

But in any 1-1 interaction she tended to get very rigid/difficult/controlling and it was very hard to get her to see my point of view.

She would argue as if she thought it was "logical" that I went along with what she said and just try to override me.

If I was spending time with her, it was Ok for her to spend time solo, suit herself....but I wasn't "allowed" to go off by myself for a coffee or a breather.

Sure people have different preferences but she just couldn't acknowledge one small thing that went against her idea of how she wanted the occasion to go (she only liked certain things to watch on TV, certain kinds of food etc).

Then, of course, she would think she'd had a lovely time but it was basically me just working around her.

(If I said I wasn't enjoying myself she'd get upset and argue I was being wrong!)

It seems you have a very different hosting style. But she shouldn't try and guilt trip you into not going to a few places alone if she's not up for it.
My mum has guests and they basically stay indoors or go to a meal very locally. Any activities the friend does they just go off and do. Mum finds hosting quite tiring, you kind of have to be on high alert, clean the house, supply food etc.. so has little energy to go out on top of that.
Can you stay for a shorter time?

I don't quite agree. I think it is very rude to expect friends to do things like sort through cupboards, do house organising, etc, unless that has specifically been arranged. It is treating your friends as free labour and I would be unimpressed with any friend of mine who tried that with me (unless, as I say, they had specifically requested my help as a favour and I had said yes in advance)