AIBU to expect a three-day stay with a friend to include some activities?

[potofpins]

I'm the kind of person who, when people come to visit and stay over with me, tries to offer a selection of things we can do and places we can go. From my pov as host, it helps break the days up and gives us something to talk about. It can also give us a bit of time out from each other.

I have an old friend who used to live locally. We used to go round to each others' homes for a coffee or a drink or meet up with in town for events etc. A couple of years ago she moved from our town and bought a place a 4-hour drive away. It's quite rural but in lovely countryside.

She regularly asks me to go and visit: I think she's probably a bit lonely. I've been twice, the latest time last autumn. I stayed for three nights and I was desperate to get away by the end of it because she had no interest in going any further than the local village for milk and bread and she wasn't keen on the idea of me going off on my own to explore. We ran out of things to talk about fairly early on so I ended up doing household chores with her (cleaning out kitchen cupboards, gardening, planting bulbs, cleaning our cars) and helping to cook and tidy up. I sat in her living room reading a book while she did life admin. In the evening we watched her choice of TV. All my suggestions to take us out to lunch or to the pub for supper, or to visit a local NT place were refused — even though I made it clear they'd be my treat. When I said that perhaps I'd go to the NT place on my own, as I'd like to see it, she said 'But you're here visiting me, why would you do that?'

She's been asking me to go and visit again next month. Would it be unreasonable to say I will, but only on the basis that we go out and do something each day, at my expense if necessary, or that I go out and get to explore the area on my own?

I wouldn't fancy going again to do nothing for three days except housework and her choice of TV. I go away and stay with friends fairly regularly and have never encountered someone not wanting to go anywhere. Won't she even go for a walk or anything?
I might go for one night, for the sake of catching up, but not three. (And you've said petrol cost you £70, so wouldn't be sure about that either).

I can see why you'd say it in this case, but if someone was coming to stay with me and said they were basically going to use me as a base to visit other places - 'do you fancy coming along?' - I'd find that a bit rude. If you go again. I think you'd be better to directly say 'can we go out somewhere?'

Oh how boring. Especially when you suggested places to visit. I wouldn’t visit again unless days out were a guarantee.

I think this has highlighted the difference between those friends who are good company for a day or an evening, but not for 72 hours at a time

It certainly sounds that way. I definitely know people I can happily have a nice lunch with, but who I would definitely not choose to spend a whole weekend with.

I do think your friend is being extremely odd, though. My mum and her best friend live a long way apart and I know that they can easily spend a week together just doing normal stuff and their conversation doesn't run out. They both like gardening and will happily help each other out with that, or one of them will be perfectly fine to read or do the crossword or chat while the other is doing housework etc, or one will offer to help and that's all good. They're just very at ease in each other's company. But even so - when they stay each other's houses they do also go out to do things! Even if it's just things like a pub lunch or a visit to a garden centre with a nice cafe or a browse round the shops. And if one of them wanted to pop off and do something on their own, the other one would be perfectly fine with that.

YANBU I’m a home body but wouldn’t clean someone’s cupboards.
@Bluere how was your friend very rigid, I’m worried I can be like that

I couldn’t be bothered with that. I wouldn’t go 🫣

I don't stay at other people's homes when I go and visit them, I need my space and time on my own. A hotel/air bnb like others have suggested.

But yes if I was staying somewhere 3 nights I'd want something planned. And I'd probably expect a day to be exploring on my own

I agree that it's rude to use friends as free labour, but my understanding of the OP wasn't that the host expected her to do chores, but rather that the OP herself decided to help out of boredom. If her host told her to work around the house then I'd definitely stand corrected!

I've had a lot of great weekend visits at friends' and from friends over the years that consisted of us just hanging around the house, playing board games, drinking (erm, maybe a bit too much, haha), cooking together, deep conversation, telling life stories and so on, so I'm not opposed to the concept, I actually tend to enjoy this type of social encounter a lot more than being out and about in town. But it may not be everyone's cup of tea and people have different friendship styles.

@Chickin

I'd say it was unrealistic expectations of me, and inflexibility.

Then getting upset when I deviated from the plan she had in her mind.

She wasn't trying to be unkind and was very generous in some ways, but couldn't see me as an independent person with feelings and boundaries.

For example, she had very specific interests in music, books etc and "recommended" I read them.

Obviously this is ok for a while, or for one or two things. And I liked reading.

But then her expectation was I spent loads of time reading a six-book fantasy series and was upset I didn't commit to doing this (or even tried to argue me out of wanting to read or do something else).

She wanted to talk about these books, so why couldn't I just read them? I was "wrong" to simply want something else and had to justify my choices.

She'd enjoyed them, and it was like I wasn't a separate person.

And it was very one-sided as if I wanted to watch a (say) thriller movie over one she wanted she'd just negate that suggestion.

Same with food, drink, etc. It upset me as I could see she was often capable of compromise in a group (with bossier people!) but 1-1 with me she didn't feel the need.

(Realistically the only person you can expect to prioritise your tastes is yourself, your partner or immediate family..and even so not necessarily!

If I want to do exactly what I want to all weekend as I'm quite rigid myself...I know I need to stay solo and any company is a bonus).

It was ok when we lived in the same town and could quickly and spontaneously catch up after work but for longer visits it just got exhausting...

Unfortunately it's not very easy (or indeed appropriate) for others to try to manage this in an adult friendship.

Ok in a group but 1-1 it was too intense and hard to manage, along with the stresses of normal life.

I felt like I was having to jolly her along most of the time and she regularly would come up with "as your friend" style statements about how I "should" be behaving.

Which isn't what a friendship should be (she had stable supportive parents and a good job and home so it wasn't like she was in a vulnerable position).

Maybe I should have explained to her more, but I was fairly young and not really in a good position to do so

(And she'd have some "logical" argument ready to use on me).

I have a young relative where autism has been formally diagnosed, and a lot of effort teaching her spending time with other people doesn't mean getting her way 100% of the time, she needs to give them some space and respect their feelings and choices.

Obviously it's not great if people are lonely due to rigid behaviour... but some compromise does have to be made.

Especially if there's a big ask like expecting people to travel down solo for 3 days.

(I'd say if you know you're rigid and are self-aware, you're probably fine though 🙂)

as unrealistic expectations of me, and inflexibility.

Then getting upset when I deviated from the plan she had in her mind.

This has made me think. I have no idea whether my friend is ND or not: if she is, it's not obvious. But I have a strong sense that when I visit she feels I'm there for her, and that she decides what we do and don't do, and that my feelings and needs are less important than hers. What's odd is that I've had that same feeling when she visits me — that she is the one who decides what we do and don't do, and I'm expected to go along with what suits her.

I did message her, saying that if I came up to visit her this time I'd be expecting to see a lot more of her area and would like to visit X and do Y, on my own if necessary, and she's replied that she's busy with her mum and will contact me next week. I doubt she's too busy with her mum: she gets very bored there because her mum sleeps such a lot, so I'll read that as 'I'm weighing things up.'

Have her to stay with you and get her to clean your cupboards. That’s a joke and not a holiday or restful.

why can’t you tell her straight? I am spending £70 on petrol each time I visit and I’m coming and doing DIY that’s not a break for me.

if I come again we need to go out and do stuff eg National trust else I get cabin fever and it spoils the entire trip

I would have gone out by myself. No way would I have spent my holiday cleaning someone else's house who is able bodied.

Given that lukewarm response, I wouldn't go, whatever her next reply is. I probably wouldn't have anyway, given the last experience, but that would sway it to a definite no.

It's so selfish to host a friend and not only have no trips out whatsoever, but also not let them out on their own. Let alone the chores on top of it all.

She seems very odd to my mind. If you were going for the day, or even overnight, it’s perfectly reasonable just to stay in her house. But on a longer visit, I’d have thought it was “the done thing” to suggest a trip out somewhere where she could show you something of the local area (especially if it’s somewhere you don’t know well). And if you’ve actually suggested something reasonable and nearby that you’d like to do/see, it’s rather unwelcoming of her to say she doesn’t want to do that. You’re still “visiting her” if you’re going to a National Trust house; you’d just be chatting over a cup of tea in the cafe rather than in her house. And it sort of cements a friendship because you then have a shared experience of her local area and you might chat about that in future.

So draining. I wouldn't visit again. I'd keep it as a text / telephone friendship.

Why not visit your friend for a day or so, and find a reasonably priced b&b near the places of interest to visit alone.

Years ago we used to visit my in laws abroad with the children. It was a long journey and we used to stay for at least 2 weeks. Never once did they arrange an activity and they seemed to think it was fine just sitting around or sleeping in the heat of the day and watching tv! In the end we used to spend 2 or 3 days with them then go to a resort for a week then another couple of days with them before we left.

I have a friend like this too. She keeps asking me to go to visit her at her holiday house but I know when I get there the whole visit will be sitting on the sofa, talking. I like her and I enjoy talking to her, but I find that prospect really unappealing. I like to get out and see places. So I keep making excuses and stick to seeing her for an evening from time to time.

Not actually completely accurate since she sat and did life admin then had OP cleaning and doing housework which is absolutely ridiculous.

I was going to say this as well she is coming across as completely selfish.

Nobody needs to learn the art of hosting to know you don't practically hold someone prisoner for 3 days as well as have them do housework!!! How OP lasted I don't know!

Agree with @Heliss and @AnonoMisss too.

Maybe if she'd apologised (and been mortified you weren't comfortable) but it sounds like she's expecting you to negotiate if you're allowed to leave or not.

She just doesn't "get" that your comfort or feelings or preferences actually exist, and you're having to fill in the gaps to keep things going.

Even if she's nominally polite, she's trying to dominate you, imply you're making some weird outlandish suggestion by suggesting a totally reasonable, mainstream, normal thing.

And do you really want to get there and have a bit of an atmosphere as she thinks you're wrong to want to go out

(even when she's doing her own thing ..a day trip to a NT property is not like you're going on a date and bringing a man home!).

ND or not, she wants you to do what she says (which obviously suits her) - you don't want to, but she doesn't respect that.

Probably won't end well unless you take things down to phone/group Zoom contact.

Maybe she'll want to visit the city and you can enjoy a group catch-up at some point? Why isn't she asking at the group Zoom to arrange a group visit?

But you don't want to end up being her established "only friend" where she then socially relies and depends on you visiting

as no one else wants to be locked in staring at the wall and finding household jobs to do like the beginning of a horror film

Unless you're prepared to commit to doing it indefinitely.

We ran out of things to talk about fairly early on so I ended up doing household chores with her (cleaning out kitchen cupboards, gardening, planting bulbs, cleaning our cars) and helping to cook and tidy up. I sat in her living room reading a book while she did life admin. In the evening we watched her choice of TV.

No wonder shes inviting you back, shes getting a free maid.

I'd sack this off, shes incredibly selfish.

It depends on the friend and how often we see each other
I have one school mate who we could just chat
drink tea
amble about the garden for 3 days and I'd return home chilled and happy
I have another school mate who would have planned 17 activities with military precision and it would be like a sight seeing holiday
jd people visit me I have a few activities of nice places that are cheap or free and a few key touristy things just incase

but I'd play it entirely by ear and if we were just catching up I'd be fine with that too

That sounds so boring. I get antsy if I sit around in my own house for two days never mind someone else's. Certainly wouldn't choose to do it as a leisure trip.

I like visiting people when we just chat and drink coffee / wine. They can be great weekends. Clearly this doesn't work for you though.

However, saying "I'm going to do x, y and z when I'm with you, want to come?" sounds like you're using her as a hotel. It's rude.

Better to go with "I get really antsy if I stay in all day. I'd love to come and see you, but will need to take myself out sometimes! Can you recommend anywhere? Or come with me!" Assuming it's true?