Maybe I'm expecting too much but she's just such hard work.
Every time we go to do something fun, she never wants to leave. She's so defiant.
Everything is ' NO '.
No matter what I try to do, she just doesn't do as she's told.
Maybe I'm expecting too much from her ?
For example today we went to soft play and when it was time to leave, I tried to distract immediately with ' hey susie let's go to the toy shop '. I genuinely was going to take her there and she was like ' NO ' so I said, we do need to go now though. So I went over to her with her shoes in my hand and she was sticking her tongue out at me and laughing at me going ' da da da da da ' and blowing at me. So I said, put your shoes on. She said no. Then I said ok I can see you're having trouble listening right now, so I'm going to help you. She was kicking me whilst I was trying to put her shoes on and sticking her tongue out.
Anyway I managed to get her out. I told her it wasn't acceptable and therefore we were not going to the toy shop because she didn't listen and she kicked me etc.
Later on I asked her about it and asked her why she didn't listen and kicked me when we needed to leave and she said she was just playing. I explained sometimes we can't just play and it's not nice to kick etc.
Anyway it's like this a lot when we need to leave places and I'm sick and tired of it.
Hair drying and brushing can be a challenge as well sometimes. It's very frustrating and nothing I do helps. Any advice ?
AIBU?
My 4 year old is driving me insane
upthewallie · 10/04/2024 20:50
Causewerethespecialtwo · 10/04/2024 20:55
Kindly - I think it’s the opposite. You aren’t expecting enough! At 4 if my children were rude to me or didn’t listen, then there were consequences. It sounds like you are asking your daughter and not telling her. You are giving her the option to not listen and to make all the decisions, not you. You need to tell her that you are the parent, this is what’s happening right now and there are consequences if you don’t listen or are rude to me.
upthewallie · 10/04/2024 20:59
There are consequences though. Not going to the toy shop was the consequence today.
Two days ago, the consequence was that she wasn't going to be allowed to have an ice cream.
Other times, she doesn't get a star or gets TV time taken away / doesn't get treats.
She also understands the consequences and gets upset about it.
Causewerethespecialtwo · 10/04/2024 20:55
Kindly - I think it’s the opposite. You aren’t expecting enough! At 4 if my children were rude to me or didn’t listen, then there were consequences. It sounds like you are asking your daughter and not telling her. You are giving her the option to not listen and to make all the decisions, not you. You need to tell her that you are the parent, this is what’s happening right now and there are consequences if you don’t listen or are rude to me.
Bertiebadgers · 10/04/2024 21:00
I know people will leap on me for jumping to SEN as an explanation but my dd who is autistic was very similar at 4. The authoritative parenting style just does not work with DD, it’s very much a case of avoiding putting demands on her & dressing things up as a game. She also hates having her hair washed & brushed because she is very sensory sensitive. Does your DD have any sensory issues that you are aware of OP?
Airworld · 10/04/2024 21:04
Some children struggle with transition from one activity etc to the next ie you can’t just get her attention and say “right, we’re leaving, get your shoes on etc.” and expect that she’ll go ok then and do as asked.
Try giving her a 15 minute warning that you are leaving soft play (or wherever), then 10, then 5 mins, then with 1 min to go it’s time to get shoes on. Immediate consequences for refusing to do as asked (decide in advance what is achievable/acceptable).
laclochette · 10/04/2024 21:03
The sensory issues point is a good one.
But OP I think you're onto something when you say she feeds off your reactions. It's sooo hard not to get visibly worked up in these situations I know but the more you can avoid expressing that, you may find she doesn't play up to it. Firm but calm and when she does things like running around laughing, just find a fixed spot (like the shoes), look at it, focus on not reacting and don't engage with her behaviour. If you aren't "seeing it" she may well stop, as every performance needs an audience.
upthewallie · 10/04/2024 20:56
The more confrontational I am and the stricter I am, the worse she gets.
Later, after we got home, we needed to go out again so I said ' susie get your shoes, we need to go and do XYZ' and she was again like ' no ' ( in quite a loud, defiant shout ). I said, you're getting your shoes and we are going !. She ran around a couple of times again just laughing and eventually she put her shoes on. Usually it's not a huge issue and she just does it. But like I said, the more it happens and the more I react, the worse she gets.
I feel like she feeds off my reaction and enjoys me getting worked up. To be honest it feels really similar to when I used to get picked on by the boys at school. I got worked up and they'd find it hilarious and just carry on and on and on.
laclochette · 10/04/2024 21:11
@upthewallie It sounds really challenging. However I do think kids need consistency, if they get a rise out of you even one in 3 times they will do it. It has to be a totally consistent approach. They're not reacting only to what is happening in the moment, but to the totality of their experiences with you and the expectations that has created. It's a form of training. If you're doing this all the time, then point taken, I was just going on your comment regarding the similarity to your experience at school, which suggested that sometimes she does "get a rise out of you".
EditedPrincessTeaSet · 10/04/2024 21:10
I think being reluctant to leave something fun is normal, lots of 4 year olds struggle with that. Things to try include a 5 minute warning, a choice (such as either would you like to go now or in 5 minutes, or would you like to put your own shoes on or shall I help you), a small bribe "once you have your shoes on you can have a snack", reminding them of expectations before you go to the soft play that you expect them to leave when asked.
Ultimately if they aren't doing what you say then follow through with a serious tone, put the shoes on and take them out etc, but remain calm. Ignore any histrionics. You getting worked up and angry isn't helpful, but nor is too much negotiation and explanation. Sometimes you will be dragging a screaming child out but they will know for next time.
One parenting tip I read is don't wait too long - so ask once them take them out - don't let them mess about until you're really annoyed!
It's a phase and it will get better
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TheNurdnugget · 10/04/2024 21:15
Some kids are just generally really strong willed. I carried my then two year old out of a park under my arm screaming and fighting whilst I was 39 weeks pregnant. Absolutely nothing worked, that was probably only one of a couple of occasions I've ever had to do that.
My daughter is almost 5. Now I find countdown works but I've had to be really regimented with it and no backing down. Sometimes we get to one minute left and she'll negotiate and say two goes on the slide and I'll agree to that because she's put a figure on it that she can work to in the time she has left. When setting the time to go I always make sure I've seen eye contact and she's understood so she is 100% aware. Sometimes there are tears and I just validate them as we walk away and add something like "You went really high on those swings today. Maybe next week we can see if you can go even higher".
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