Stubborn MIL

[DS6DS3]

My mom in law normally has my son every Friday night for a sleepover, and my youngest DS on a weekday for a few hours.
A few weeks ago she had my youngest, and saw my eldest after school and said I'll see you Friday for our sleepover, bring your favourite toys we'll play before bedtime.
Friday comes along, MIL texts and says she can no longer have son as she has a party to go to...
I replied funny how all of the sudden last minute you have a party, and she said she only got invited the night before.
I replied with you only see my children when it's convenient for you, and she has a rant saying she is helping me out.
I don't see it like this, I see it as her seeing her grandsons.
AIBU that I haven't replied, baring in mind she hasn't even messaged me asking how they both are, when she hasn't seen them in 2 weeks.

Well this is a new one. Nightmare DIL and lovely MIL.

“I replied funny how all of the sudden last minute you have a party, and she said she only got invited the night before.”

This is a bizarre response. Rather than asking why she hadn’t told you earlier, you jumped in with an overwhelmingly passive aggressive comment.

Does she have form for letting you down at the last minute?

Normal response would be to let her know her grandchild was disappointed and possibly to ask that she always tells you as early as possible if she’s going to change her plans when she’s already made an arrangement with her grandchild.

She was somewhat flaky and I would expect her to apologize to your son. If she lets them down on a regular basis, then she needs to be asked not to do it again, and consequences should occur if she continues.

But as you’ve told it, your MIL was mildly inconsiderate to your child, then you massively overreacted, went off the deep end in starting an argument and now you have created an absolute mess, where nobody is happy and your children have lost out on something they enjoyed.

Wow! Just wow!! I'm really hoping this is a reverse bcos otherwise OP you sound incredibly entitled and rude!

As someone who never had any sort of child care support available, I would have loved it if someone had taken my kids one day a week, even one hour would have been appreciated ! Honestly OP, be more grateful and consider yourself fortunate you have someone there for you. Agree that a last minute cancellation is not ideal but that is life, we sometimes have people or situations that let us down, and that's all party of growing, developing and building resilience, life is not always smooth and there are always bumps on the way that we need to learn to cope with. Teaching empathy and resilience is a good way ensuring your children will go on to have meaningful, mature relationships with the people around them.

If I were the MiL here, I'd be afraid of making any further commitment to the OP for fear of being on the receiving end of a tongue lashing!

OP you were terribly rude to your MiL. Your MiL has reared her kids and is allowed to have a night off to do her own thing, even one that is arranged last minute. I seriously hope that you never need to call on her help last minute because if you do, it's very likely that she will dish back to you what you served to her.

@DS6DS3

I replied funny how all of the sudden last minute you have a party, and she said she only got invited the night before. I replied with you only see my children when it's convenient for you, and she has a rant saying she is helping me out. I don't see it like this, I see it as her seeing her grandsons. AIBU that I haven't replied, baring in mind she hasn't even messaged me asking how they both are, when she hasn't seen them in 2 weeks.

That was both rude and foolish OP. You handled this incident badly. Sometimes events happen which lead us to altering what we do, including your MIL enjoying a short invitation party. 🌹

You were so rude to her OP!

If I were her I wouldn't be doing you any more favours.

My mother used to say you should never make a promise to a child and then not keep it.
Grandmother promised the child a visit - then called off at the last minute. Nothing to do with 'free child care'. An arrangement with the child. No wonder child was upset at being let down.

The child will survive unscathed. Disappointment is a part of life. I would think a daughter-in-law would be wise enough to give an otherwise very helpful mother-in-law a pass for a rare cancellation.

MIL is entitled to her life, without explanations.🙄

how often does she cancel at the last minute though?

Unfortunately disappointment is a part of life and children have to learn how to deal with this and other negative emotions.
Although it sounds here like the child's mother also needs to learn how to deal appropriately when things don't go her way...

Would you consider it to be just hanging out with your niece if you were expected to do it on the same day every week? Or if one week you said you had other plans and your niece’s parents sent you a shitty message and stopped talking to you?

‘Just hanging out’ is on your terms. Being expected/emotionally forced to do it on the same day every week is childcare.

Grandparents are not obliged to see/care for their grandchildren, and you're very entitled to expect that. Some do, some don't, everyone is different. It's entirely their choice.

And yes, your MIL is providing free childcare, how can you not see that?

Your are acting very entitled. How dare you criticise anyone who is doing you such generous favours.

Simply tell your son gran has an appointment you will see her soon. The poor woman daring to have a bloody life. My goodness' do you not realise how generous she is to you.

Yes grandparents want to see children not flipping raise them for you!

Sounds like a lovely MIL and a nightmare DIL. You were so rude, OP. You owe her an apology. A big apology.

Good grief, take your MIL some flowers, apologise and move on..

If it was a mutual arrangement where I asked if I could have my niece once a week, sure that wouldn’t be childcare.

im Assuming that’s what’s happened. I don’t like people letting down children either - but I also think it’s fair as it’s a Friday night that sometimes MIL will have other stuff to do!

God. I love my kids and my grandchildren but I would not want to see them everyday! Neither would I want a rigid overnight either.

I actually have custody of 2 of them so have no options really lol. The rest though, yes I see them on my terms.

When it suits me and the parents, some more frequently than others due to logistics.

Having a mother or MIL daily though….. no thank you!

Did you really send such a rude message?

Regardless of how you felt about her disappointing your son, you can’t send people such rude texts.

if I was your MIL and husband I’d be very angry until you apologised.

This can't be real, if it is this is the most self entitled post I've ever read.
She owes you absolutely nothing you should be grateful she has regular sleepovers. The children are you and youre partners responsibility. GROW UP. If this is true I honestly hope your MIL refuses to help out with childcare again until you grow up

You need to apologise!

I think it's fair if her plans changed, it would be completely different if she kept cancelling last minute, but I think she has the right to enjoy her life.

Regarding the children getting disappointed, this is a good moment for them to learn how to handle disappointment in life, this will help them in the future.
My opinion.

#TeamMIL

Grandparents do want to see their children, it's the entitled DILs they are trying to avoid.