Stubborn MIL

[DS6DS3]

My mom in law normally has my son every Friday night for a sleepover, and my youngest DS on a weekday for a few hours.
A few weeks ago she had my youngest, and saw my eldest after school and said I'll see you Friday for our sleepover, bring your favourite toys we'll play before bedtime.
Friday comes along, MIL texts and says she can no longer have son as she has a party to go to...
I replied funny how all of the sudden last minute you have a party, and she said she only got invited the night before.
I replied with you only see my children when it's convenient for you, and she has a rant saying she is helping me out.
I don't see it like this, I see it as her seeing her grandsons.
AIBU that I haven't replied, baring in mind she hasn't even messaged me asking how they both are, when she hasn't seen them in 2 weeks.

I think there’s a misalignment of expectations here. OP’s mother sees the DC every day and OP thinks this is normal, especially as it’s what she experienced growing up. OP’s MiL sees them every week (including an overnight for one child) and OP thinks this isn’t very much.

Everyone else on this thread thinks once a week is huge, especially as it seems to involve having sole charge of the DC for a few hours while OP goes somewhere else (“free childcare”).

Two different sets of expectations, based on two different family backgrounds.

OP it’s probably worth being aware that most grandparents see their GC much less than once a week, and your own mother is extremely unusual in seeing them every day. It sounds like you’re very lucky with both sets of grandparents! Your DC sound very lucky too. What a blessing to have two engaged and loving grandparents in your life so regularly.

MiL wanting the odd week off from Friday childcare doesn’t make her below average at all - she still sees your DC much more than most grandparents do, and by the sound of it contributes much more than average as well by having sole charge of them for a few hours. That might help to put this one time into perspective.

@Greenbike thank you for that response, I guess like you said I didn't realise grandparents not being in grandchildren's lives as much as my son's was a huge thing TBF.

I wouldnt want to message someone who spoke to me like that.

Can you not see how rude you were even after all the feedback you've had on this thread? Are you not willing to see that your attitude stinks?

The title of this thread should be

Stubborn DIL.

YABU, very unreasonable. Your MIL DOES want to see your sons, she has dedicated one-to-one time with each of them once a week. Even having one of them overnight every.single.week!
I get you’re annoyed by the last minute notice that she couldn’t have DS so he was let down but your response to her was rude. She is allowed to have a life and other plans! I’ll be very surprised if she wants to continue the arrangement after the way you’ve reacted to this

She should have given you more notice but your response is over the top. She has a right to only see her grandkids when it's convenient for her.. they are her grandkids not her children! My MIL sees our kids a few times a year! You are very lucky to have a MIL who involved and happy to have your kids overnight every week. That shouldn't be some kind of expectation. You do sound a bit entitled here. If she'd agreed as some kind of childcare for you to do something, that would be a bit different but if it's just an informal arrangement so she spends some time with a grandchild then yeah it's pretty reasonable to say she has a party to go to and can't do it one week.

Wow OP. This is coming from someone who has childcare whenever I need from either my parents, nan or dps parents... you are being massively unreasonable.

She doesn't need to have them alone at all. I think if I were her, and you'd spoken to me like that, I would only be seeing them after arranging it with my ds.

Jeez, the women is entitled to go to a party occasionally.

Were you expecting her not to go, so that she could have your DC instead?

You were rude and selfish. You've no right to dictate to your MIL. She can accept last minute invitations if she wants to. It's nothing to do with you.

So whats with the no reply, do you want to punish her now?! If your husband has a backbone then when he hears of this he'll tell you in no uncertain terms that being rude and ungrateful to his mum is not on, she's allowed to prioritise herself, and on occasions she can't do childcare then you and he, as the parents, will just have to get on with it.

You need to apologise to your MIL OP

Every day? You sound a bit enmeshed with your DM. Seeing GPs even once a week is a lot more often than many families. These are your children, you chose to have them. GPs don’t have to provide a certain level of childcare. My DM is on her knees because DB palms his kids off on her every weekend and she’s too soft to say no. It makes me wonder why people bother having kids if they have to offload them weekly.

What an absolute piece of work you are op. You are behaving so badly I am questioning whether this can even be real.

If I were your mother in law I'd be disgusted at your behaviour. You're rude and she is entitled to her own life. Grow up and be nicer

Hang on … it’s Wednesday! It’s hardly last minute is it ? How much notice is acceptable ? A month , in writing ? 🤣get a grip

If I'd had to cancel something I did voluntarily but regularly as a one off and received a snotty message basically asking how I could dare have my own life, I wouldn't message that person again either.

I've just thought that! It was making me question my days!

Just re-read the op. It was actually a few weeks ago.

Wow OP, you need to do some serious apologising to MIL. Your rudeness was off the scale.

This was 2 weeks ago, and the message when she cancelled was on the Friday of the day.

Did you have plans?

I just wanted to post to say that, whilst I think you are being unreasonable re this Friday (although it’s a shame your son feels let down),

I totally get your point re “free childcare”. A grandparent having their grandchildren isn’t “free childcare” in this sort of situation. It’s just a grandparent spending time with their grandchild! It’s really sad how perspective on this has shifted. If I want to have my niece over, it’s not “free childcare”, it’s just me hanging out with my niece. It’s different if you are going out and ask her to babysit, or if she is having them so you can work/do anything else. Her just having them as she wants to have her grandchild is different from that and I can’t believe how people cannot see that!

You sound quite rigid over your MIL having your DS on a Friday. If this is the first time she has cancelled, fine, she has a party invite! She isn't obliged to have your son every week. Please don't get angry with her, she sounds like she helps a lot with your boys. Remember she has a life too, don't get too inflexible and rigid on your DS staying with her. You want it to be fun for both of them, not a duty. Grandparents don't have to see their grandchildren on a certain day every week.

And your still furious? Dear lord let it go!

Well I've had my friend's child out with mine today. She didn't ask me. I offered. I was happy to and she's been no bother. But it's meant my friend has had a break and so yes, I think it is a form of free childcare.

"I replied with you only see my children when it's convenient for you"

YES, princess. When it's convenient for her, obviously. Sometimes plans need to be cancelled, and I'm sure she is looking forward to a fun party. She more than deserves it. Your sense of entitlement is absolutely remarkable.

You owe her a huge apology for being so fucking rude.

I think your MIL loves seeing your children and is missing them right now. I think your response to her last-minute change of plan was rude and uncalled for and she's probably still smarting and wondering what happens next. I think you could ring her and apologise profusely and say that your children are missing her, when can they see her again? Of course, I could be totally wrong.