Me or DH?

[HouseD]

DS5 did not behave well at bedtime and got sent to his room while DH put DS2 to bed (I was on the loo so DH on his own for a few minutes with both). I went into DS5 room and comforted him, and while doing so got a text from DH saying “no story for DS5”. I explained to DS5 that because of the way he behaved, we won’t be doing story time, and DS5 said “daddy said I can’t have the Peter Rabbit book but he didn’t say I can’t have a story, so can we read another book?” So I clarified with DH: “did you say to DS5 no Peter Rabbit book, or no story?” and DH said “no story”. I explained this to DS5 and that he has to accept that these are the consequences of not behaving. He cried and begged that that’s not true, DH had not told him that he can’t have a story, and that I please read him one. Eventually he fell asleep.

On discussion with DH later in the evening, it turns out that he hadn’t told DS5 that he can’t have a story. He’d told him he can’t have the Peter Rabbit book. But, his behaviour escalated so badly that DH had intended to tell him that there’s no story but didn’t get round to it as he was trying to manage DS2 at the same time, and DH didn’t have time to explain all of this to me when I asked what exactly he had told DS5, as he had DS2 to manage, and his objective was to make sure DS5 wasn’t rewarded with a story, so took a “short cut” in his communication with me to ensure this happened.

I am upset because I kept telling DS5 he can’t have a story because daddy said so, thinking that I’m backing up my DH, and DS5 thinks we think he’s lying. If I had known the truth, I would have read him a story.

DH thinks it’s an unfortunate situation of miscommunication and ultimately he wanted to ensure DS5 gets no story as a reward, which he has achieved, but feels bad about what has happened and will explain to DS5 tomorrow that he couldn’t have a story and the reasons why.

DH feels that my question was ambiguous, and that I’m reading his answer to my question too black and white.

Writing this out I feel like I’m obviously right. Is there something I am missing?

Obviously I wasn't there to see behaviour but regardless of who said what it seems unnecessary (cruel?) to not read a bedtime story to a five year old. Surely a cuddle and a story would diffuse any anger and make a smooth bedtime.

I can't believe that poor wee boy went to sleep upset and having been punished by not being read a story. I think you both need to apologise to the wee soul in the morning, tell him you both messed up and it'll never happen again.

Don't blindly back up the poor excuse for the father in this, that was a nasty thing to do and you should have put it right instead of doubling down on horrible parenting.

I agree with @neverknowinglyunreasonable

i also think it’s really strange for you to need to take parenting cues in this context. Are you afraid to trust your instinct for fear of undermining the other parent in spite of your understandable misgivings?

not sure what matters here is which parent was being unreasonable tbh as the upshot is your child was in fact being truthful and therefore you both are in different ways

I agree that it was fairly ambiguous. I don't think there's a great deal of merit rehashing it with your child in the morning, unless they bring it up. In all honesty, regardless of behavior, if one of mine has acted up, but then settled down and is cosy (probably looking forward to a story and cuddle), I'd still give it to them. Those moments for me are precious.

That said, I do get that you were trying to be on the same page - when there isn't a united front, kids spot it straight away and go for the 'weakest link'!

Maybe next time both see the story as a means of putting to bed the bad behavior ahead of a fresh start the next day. 5 is still very young. And when they know there's a sibling getting attention at the same time, that can be hard.

I don't think you need to assign blame here. It seems you and your husband are on the same page re. consequences and have each others' backs but this was just a communication blip. I understand his explanation of how things went awry.

I think it's great that he will talk to your son tomorrow and hope he apologises - your poor son is probably quite confused. I remember being disbelieved when I was that age and it screwed with my tiny mind!

Aw.. don't use removal of bedtime stories as a punishment??!

Of course talk through what happened and what would have been a better way for them to have behaved but bedtime stories are such a gentle way to connect with your DC at the end of the day. There's no point I'm DH explaining in the morning - it's too distant from the behaviour itself.

But I absolutely treasured story time - quiet, clean, snuggly... I'm not saying this yo make you feel bad but I think there are better ways to reprimand at bedtime.

Please don't use bedtime stories as a punishment!

You do NOT send a child to their bedroom as a means of punishment. A bedroom should be a calm safe place for sleep/ comfort and relaxation..
Also to be so cruel to a 5 year old child is just so heart breaking.
He's 5 ffs.. a story in his " safe" place isn't much to ask.
I'm literally crying for a child l don't know.. there is so much cruelty in the world without parents adding to it.

Story time was never a punishment in my house

@SanFranBear I definitely remember my Aunt lying to me when I was 5 and I was so distraught as I fully understood the concept and importance of telling the truth.

If I can still remember that, I think this little boy may well remember this in the morning.

O dear, I am crying for the classmates of your children......

I agree. This is shocking parenting. Poor child.

I dont think either of you were being unreasonable, OP, except perhaps by going into the room in the first place. That should have been DH, or no one

"I'm literally crying for a child l don't know.."

PMS Hun? 💐🍫 x

Taking away bedtime stories as a punishment seems so mean. Like saying "no cuddles because you've been naughty". He's still so little.

Bedtime stories are such a soothing thing. So much so that I still remember curling up with my mam and asking for "the one where I'm riding on a cloud" and how much peace it brought me.

But completely on the face of it and personal feelings aside, communication blips happen when raising kids. I do think you should both apologise to him though, as a pp said, I still remember not being believed at that age and it's confusing and rubbish!

Denying a child a nice bedtime as a punishment isn't very good parenting from either of you.

No-one wants to go to bed upset!

Oh, stop it.

It wasn't ideal, but let's not get hysterical.

I would tell dp to fuck right off if he tried to interfere in my bedtime. I also would never deprive my children of the story and song at bedtime. Bedtimes are for putting away the day and setting up a restful night in my house. There are hugs and loving feelings. I would be heartbroken myself to deprive them of that. I am honestly quite sad even thinking about it.

Don’t send your 5 year old to their bedroom as a punishment.
Don’t ban story time as a punishment.

I’m not even an advocate of gentle parenting but those two things are not great parenting at all. Maybe you could have clarified with your husband what he’d actually said before your son went to bed? We all have bad parenting days, both of you need to apologise to your son tomorrow and move on.

Totally!

To clarify:

DS5 got sent to his room because it was bedtime, to wait for a parent to come to him to put him to bed. He wasn't sent as punishment.

I wasn't there to witness DS5's behaviour but was in the bathroom next door. He had a big tantrum and stomped on the floor several times so hard that things were falling off the shelf in the bathroom I was in. DH tells me this was because DH wouldn't let DS5 use his phone. And it happened after DS5 refused to go into the bathroom to brush his teeth after being asked several times, and DH had told him if he doesn't come in then no Peter Rabbit book, so they had already had a falling out 2 minutes before the stomping. The bad behaviour happened as part of the bedtime routine.

I think it's important for both parents to be on the same page and DH had told me that he had told him he's not getting a story, so I repeated the same. I would not have done it if DH had told me he didn't actually tell him that.

I think you're both as bad as each other tbh! You're texting each other about whether the child gets a bedtime story or just not the Peter rabbit one. What is wrong with actually talking to each other? Why couldn't dad come back and speak to the child himself?
Sit down together and find better ways of coping with a 5yr old child who misbehaved for a moment - like ALL young children do from time to time - and then went to sleep upset after his parents blew it up into some massive thing that they now can't agree on!

Is that what they call a name change fail around here?

I think you’ve been somewhat unlucky with the particular posters responding this thread, OP. There have been previous threads where the (large) majority view was that withholding a bedtime story is an entirely appropriate punishment, even for children younger than yours.

I think it’s fine to address the miscommunication with him, in the morning, though.

Well I can see you’re trying to be on the same page, but I don’t think you should use being sent to his room as a punishment at 5, he’s too young (demonstrated by the fact you felt you needed to comfort him) - give him time out somewhere neutral, his bedroom should be a safe warm place.

Unless he did something dire, like hit the 2 year old hard more than once, no bedtime story is too tough, it’s a important part of his routine and security

Your husband should explain, he’s old enough to get upset and confused by trusted adults lying (as he will see it)