Me or DH?

[HouseD]

DS5 did not behave well at bedtime and got sent to his room while DH put DS2 to bed (I was on the loo so DH on his own for a few minutes with both). I went into DS5 room and comforted him, and while doing so got a text from DH saying “no story for DS5”. I explained to DS5 that because of the way he behaved, we won’t be doing story time, and DS5 said “daddy said I can’t have the Peter Rabbit book but he didn’t say I can’t have a story, so can we read another book?” So I clarified with DH: “did you say to DS5 no Peter Rabbit book, or no story?” and DH said “no story”. I explained this to DS5 and that he has to accept that these are the consequences of not behaving. He cried and begged that that’s not true, DH had not told him that he can’t have a story, and that I please read him one. Eventually he fell asleep.

On discussion with DH later in the evening, it turns out that he hadn’t told DS5 that he can’t have a story. He’d told him he can’t have the Peter Rabbit book. But, his behaviour escalated so badly that DH had intended to tell him that there’s no story but didn’t get round to it as he was trying to manage DS2 at the same time, and DH didn’t have time to explain all of this to me when I asked what exactly he had told DS5, as he had DS2 to manage, and his objective was to make sure DS5 wasn’t rewarded with a story, so took a “short cut” in his communication with me to ensure this happened.

I am upset because I kept telling DS5 he can’t have a story because daddy said so, thinking that I’m backing up my DH, and DS5 thinks we think he’s lying. If I had known the truth, I would have read him a story.

DH thinks it’s an unfortunate situation of miscommunication and ultimately he wanted to ensure DS5 gets no story as a reward, which he has achieved, but feels bad about what has happened and will explain to DS5 tomorrow that he couldn’t have a story and the reasons why.

DH feels that my question was ambiguous, and that I’m reading his answer to my question too black and white.

Writing this out I feel like I’m obviously right. Is there something I am missing?

Being mean to try and punish an upset child at bedtime is just a shitty thing to do. Do you want him to go to sleep in a state? Let's face it kids are not particularly rational about lots of things at 5 years old and deffo not at the end of the day.

You'd do a lot better to talk it through with DS in the morning, than trying to argue with a child who has already lost it. If your fella can't deal with two kids at bedtime without loosing his rag he needs to sort himself out.

Who's the adults here? What I'm reading is child has a strop + adult has a strop = everyone miserable.

You must be very exhausting company.

I don't think you're obviously right OP, I think objectively your DH was trying to communicate efficiently. I would have wanted to read him a bedtime story though and hate that feeling where you feel you've let them down (by not believing him). I think it's really positive that you and DH both feel bad and want to explain in the morning, I think my DH would just double down and say he didn't deserve the story. He's not very alive to the nuances of children's feelings.

You got it wrong, and I'd want to say to DH that I don't think withholding stories is a punishment I want to use but I think you should forgive DH and let it go (with him).

Ah... you mean to apologise for his behaviour? Absolutely.. sorry, I thought it meant to double down on what happened, explain how he was going to ban all books, not just Peter Rabbit!

But the little boy wanted Peter Rabbit! So sweet... sorry, feeling maudlin over my DCs being waaaay too old for bedtime stories these days!

There’s not that many appropriate punishments for children as young as 5 but I do think skipping a bedtime story is one of them.

Whats the difference between a Peter Rabbit Book and a story? Does he get 2 books read to him, one a Peter Rabbit book?

😂😂 massive over reaction isn’t it!

The children whose parents cry over the thought of removal of a bedtime story tend to be the parents who don’t discipline their kids at all.

That’s fun for everyone else in their lives when they’re older, and for their teachers 🙄

It’s the same people who wonder why their kids have no mates and don’t realise no one wants to be friends with the spoilt brats who were never given boundaries

That's right, the parents should tell their son that they (the parents) made a mistake and they're sorry.

I'm really lucky that my parents would apologise to me when they made parenting mistakes when I was little. It's made it much easier for me to apologise when I've screwed up myself!

I think you should both talk to him and explain the miscommunication and that you realised he wasn't lying. I think its important to own our mistakes to kids and show them its ok to make mistakes but you should try and put them right when you realise you've made one. I wouldn't be happy Id essentially told my child they were lying because DH couldn't be arsed dealing with things properly, but bed times can be stressful so if it's a one off, I'd explain, DH should apologise and then Id let it go.

I'm definitely apologising in the morning and am so upset about it still. DH will be apologising too. I'm upset that DH told me he had told DS no story, and I therefore supported the same message, when DH hadn't told him that at all. My poor boy thinks we think he's lying when he was actually telling me the truth. I literally asked DH "did you tell him no Peter rabbit, or did you tell him no story", and DH responded "no story".

Rules in my house were:

You never give a punishment/consequence that another parent has to administer.
You never give a consequence that's worse for you than them.
Songs, stories and food are never consequences.

Don't lie. Except about the bloody shopping centre rides (they are always broken).
Apologise when you bugger up.

So far so good with DD.

If Peter rabbit was the planned story then no Peter rabbit is the same as no story. There’s no way I’d encourage a 5 yr old to start nitpicking and finding loop holes in his punishments.
If you make a cake for dessert and you say no cake because of bad behavior are you going to give him an ice cream instead or is the punishment no dessert?

It can be fixed in the morning. It’s a good opportunity for your ds to see that it’s okay to apologise when you make mistakes. I know you feel awful now, but it’ll feel better once you’ve explained to your ds that you got it wrong and you know he wasn’t lying.

I would avoid punishments like this in general though - it just leads to escalation. A calm but stern telling off is my preference over withdrawing stuff.

OP, I also think you've had some odd/OTT responses. This sounds like a normal, fraught 5yo situation. My first reaction, actually, was that you're massively overthinking it and should just let it go - none of this ridiculous "shocking parenting" stuff.

Yes, being very pedantic, you asked DH "no story or no PR", and his response was inaccurate, so in that strict sense, you're right. This sort of stuff happens all the time - just let it go, and learn for next time? Please ignore the obviously strange people who've replied.

Why don't you stop with the misogynist insults? I'm not "hysterical", I genuinely think it's terrible parenting and I feel awful for that poor boy. I would never withhold a story at bedtime for any reason other than running out of time, but if it were that important to the child then I'd read it because reading is a good thing. We are not in battle with our children, we are supposed to be in partnership with them, helping them grow up in love and support.

In OP's shoes I would have ignored DH and I'd also have discussed with him afterwards why we don't parent with punishment.

I should have said... we always read a variety of books but the Peter Rabbit book we see as an extra special treat. It's not one of the original Peter Rabbit stories, it's a modern story and it's dreadful, not many words, makes bad behaviours look like fun and he then acts it out on DS2 because DS5 thinks it's v funny and DS2 gets upset. It's a book DS5 asks to read every single night and we have agreed with him he can have it every other night. In the past as punishment DH has withheld Peter Rabbit and read something else which is why I checked in with him. It's rare that DS5 has had no story at all, maybe 5 times in 4 years.

DS5 isn't awake yet.

Dh and I had an agreement that we would never use removal of bedtime story as a punishment.

I realise others have said this but maybe you and DH could agree this going forward. Kids can sometimes decide to remove your leverage, ie stop caring about something so you can't use it as punishment.

Don't risk his love of books.

DS had someone sitting with him being lovely while he was finishing his crying and going to sleep. No doubt he won't forget that in a hurry.

So for future bad behaviour the OP or her DH need only to remind him how much he disliked the punishment, and does he want to go through that again?

Agree it was perhaps a bit harsh, and i'm not a fan of bedroom as punishment. However i am a fan of sending a misbehaving child away from what we're doing, maybe the sofa, maybe the hall steps, whatever, so they can calm down and behave. they don't get to disrupt a younger sibling's night time routine.

You are both BU.

Reading a book in bed is a lovely thing for a small child to have at the end of the day. Seems cruel to remove that as a punishment especially over a non-issue.

It is important to have clear boundaries and for both parents to stick to them. However, I think removing reading and stories is a mistake. Perhaps something like no screen time is a better boundary/punishment.
Reading to children is vital, especially since lots of parents seam to mistake putting their child in front of a screen for reading. It’s really not the same.
Anyway your dh was in the wrong but I would not dwell on it.
Today is a new day.

"Shocking parenting"
"Cruel"
"Crying for a child I don't even know"

Jesus Christ, no wonder some kids struggle with resilience!
The kid will be fine and it will be interesting to see if bedtime behaviour is better next time.
The level of overreaction on this thread is absolutely ludicrous.

I think you shouldn't parent over text. If you'd actually talked to each other, you would have avoided the whole miscommunication/misunderstanding.

Why are you looking at your phone when you are comforting DS/putting him to bed, anyway?

Honestly I would be looking to loose the book or the next time he acts out the behaviour on his younger brother tell him he will not be getting it for bedtime reading. Perhaps move it to daytime time only but it appears to be actively reinforcing bad behaviour so I would look to remove it all together. If I didn't like a book or it's message it wouldn't get reread.

I think you're both BU. Books and stories should never be withdrawn. They are crucial to a child's development in many different areas especially for a 5yo.

You are being BU for not advocating for your child. Having a discussion is great as well as not undermining the other parent. But, withholding a bedtime story especially if it's part of your child's routine will further disregulate your child.

Choose other appropriate sanctions. Limited screen time, no extras/treats, removal of a certain toy etc.

Children at 5 are hard work. He's pushing boundaries and seeing how much he can get away with. He is demonstrating age appropriate development.

If he is constantly lashing out at bedtime, I would look at a couple of different areas to sort this out.

• no screens at least an hour before sleep.

• wind down time and quiet play before bath, book, cuddles etc

• reasses his bedtime. Maybe try moving it 15 mins earlier or later. Over tired and not tired enough especially if he's in reception will impact his behaviour at bedtime massively.

I appreciate, its hard managing a double bedtime and 2 kids with different needs. And, it sounds like your H is hands which helps massively. Good luck and remember this is just yet another phase.

having read what the book is: i would be disposing of it as a bad influence (hiding it because i can't bring myself to bin books)

Or

i would be reading it and pointing out every instance of unacceptable behaviour so that DS doesn't get the idea it's a manual of how to behave

etc etc.

We really want to throw the book away but can't bring ourselves to as it was a present and DS loves it! We've been reading it for 5 months now. Hopefully he will get over it soon.

I did try to make bedtime nice for him. We looked at a photo album together instead of him as a baby and talked about what was happening in the photos. We had lots of cuddles. It's just the reading he didn't get.

We try to make consequences follow straight after bad behaviour so that he makes the connection. How do others do this when the behaviour happens during bed time routine? Taking away treats and toys and screen time wouldn't work as punishments at that time because we'd have to implement them the next day and i don't think that's effective but also unnecessarily mean.