Me or DH?

[HouseD]

DS5 did not behave well at bedtime and got sent to his room while DH put DS2 to bed (I was on the loo so DH on his own for a few minutes with both). I went into DS5 room and comforted him, and while doing so got a text from DH saying “no story for DS5”. I explained to DS5 that because of the way he behaved, we won’t be doing story time, and DS5 said “daddy said I can’t have the Peter Rabbit book but he didn’t say I can’t have a story, so can we read another book?” So I clarified with DH: “did you say to DS5 no Peter Rabbit book, or no story?” and DH said “no story”. I explained this to DS5 and that he has to accept that these are the consequences of not behaving. He cried and begged that that’s not true, DH had not told him that he can’t have a story, and that I please read him one. Eventually he fell asleep.

On discussion with DH later in the evening, it turns out that he hadn’t told DS5 that he can’t have a story. He’d told him he can’t have the Peter Rabbit book. But, his behaviour escalated so badly that DH had intended to tell him that there’s no story but didn’t get round to it as he was trying to manage DS2 at the same time, and DH didn’t have time to explain all of this to me when I asked what exactly he had told DS5, as he had DS2 to manage, and his objective was to make sure DS5 wasn’t rewarded with a story, so took a “short cut” in his communication with me to ensure this happened.

I am upset because I kept telling DS5 he can’t have a story because daddy said so, thinking that I’m backing up my DH, and DS5 thinks we think he’s lying. If I had known the truth, I would have read him a story.

DH thinks it’s an unfortunate situation of miscommunication and ultimately he wanted to ensure DS5 gets no story as a reward, which he has achieved, but feels bad about what has happened and will explain to DS5 tomorrow that he couldn’t have a story and the reasons why.

DH feels that my question was ambiguous, and that I’m reading his answer to my question too black and white.

Writing this out I feel like I’m obviously right. Is there something I am missing?

I’m really sorry to read that. Bullying should never be accepted.

Schools now have so few tools in their bag and the few they do have are constantly challenged by parents that it’s draining, ie a child missing playtime for physically hurting another being repeatedly challenged by parents as it’s cruel and they didn’t mean it.

I do believe in talking to the child and explaining why they’ve made a poor choice and the consequences of that choice.

Parents want expulsion if their child is hurt but understanding and let off if ‘their child didn’t mean it’. The reality is rarely as black and white as each parent presents it.

Are you a teacher? My hat goes off to you - I wouldn’t want to deal with this crap for all the tea in China

I’m a Headteacher with a lot of years experience who has watched the standard of behaviour drop dramatically. A lot of parents want to be friends or are afraid of upsetting their children.

I love working with children and do believe that behaviour for some is a lesson like maths - they need to be taught how to behave, what is acceptable and what isn’t and how their behaviour impacts on others. This also includes firm, transparent boundaries. It’s not fear as in past years and children need to be listened to but too many parents are too quick to excuse poor behaviour and sweep over it as if it never happened. This does not equip our children for the future. We, as the adults, are failing them.

Now I've read the update missing a story for one night is deemed enough for your 5 yr olds outburst. Kids can be a nuisance at bedtime, especially at this age.
You seem near enough on the same page.😃
Ignore the posters encouraging you to tell your DH to fuck off. Who does that?

I feel like I want to send you a large box of chocolates and a big bottle of gin!

I said earlier the pendulum has swung too far. Millennials and Gen X experienced parenting styles that by today’s standards wasn’t informed or ‘best practice’. As a result you have parents trying to do the opposite and are so weak willed they struggle to ever find reasonable means to implement and fair and effective consequences of adverse behaviour. I feel like classrooms are full of parody children now who are spoilt, never had boundaries and keenly feel the notion that being told off for anything at all is completely unacceptable. Parents see children as an extension of them and admitting their child isn’t perfect would be like admitting they themselves are flawed and cocking up the most important job they’re gonna have.

And it IS everyone else’s business as we have to suffer the consequences of these children being out in the world - teachers do, the children they bully do, their peers, family members and siblings all have to bear the brunt of passive parenting.

I don’t agree with smacking in any circumstances but I think there’s a lot to be said for ‘old school’ parenting in terms of allowing children to experience consequences of their actions (yes even at age 5).

So the argument was over the phone? (we've all been there!) I guess we all have different parenting approaches, but for me it would have been important to read him a story because I want my child to get into books, rather than be after the phone all the time. It seems counterproductive to be sitting texting each other on your own phones if you want your child to stop obsessing over the phone. 💁

However, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Only on mumsnet is it abusive to your children to not read them a bedtime story! The kid had a tantrum and refused to do as he was told and then didn't get a story. End of. Tomorrow's a new day.

so sad. read the kid a bloody story - the engagement will help him regulate himself better.

Totally on board with punishment and consequences for bad behavior, but it's much more effective done when the child is calm. Otherwise it just escalates things.

I agree with that. It can be tricky as they do need to have calmed to listen and learn but at that age consequences also need to be timely. Parenting is hard and none of us get it right all the time.

I was thinking the same thing and was seriously doubting myself!

Draw a line under it OP, everyone does the best they can at bedtime but it’s so stressful sometimes, just carry on the best you can.

This forum is something else. Reading that crap, I’m not sure whether I want to cry or laugh.

The bedtime story is not the place for punishments, as it could have been an opportunity for him to calm down/be sorry/have a restorative chat with him. And the lie was unfortunate as now he feels he's not believed.

I have occasionally said we'll have less time for stories if the child is messing about. And might then do two rather than 3 as it's 'all we've got time for'. I wouldn't ever not do a story at bedtime as a punishment. Kids get tired and phones make them go loopy so I don't think it's appropriate to punish for his behaviour anyway. I'd suggest having a read of the excellent How to Talk so Little Kids will Listen

I don’t think either of you were BU for the communication not being perfect about no story or no Peter Rabbit story. These things happen and best to move on.

I do think bedtime punishments are very U though. You ask
”We try to make consequences follow straight after bad behaviour so that he makes the connection. How do others do this when the behaviour happens during bed time routine?”

My answer is nothing, no punishment when they misbehave at bedtime because, to us, it is always them just being tired and grumpy. They are only tiny and can’t be expected to behave perfect when it is the end of a long day and they are knackered. We have found it better to take the approach, of “Aw, look who is tired and needs a nice long sleep….”

I know!
The boy didn't get his bedtime story, he wasn't sent down the mines ffs! 😂

I've just read a news article about a little 5 week old who was killed by his father and had amongst many, many injuries, a snapped neck. That made me cry.

I am a teacher and would not use removing a bedtime story as a punishment for a 5 year old. It’s quite a jump to assume those of us who don’t think it’s an appropriate ‘punishment’ have no boundaries or discipline.

So DH was putting 2 kids to bed on his own the one kicking off was sent to his room ( which he was going to anyway ) whilst he dealt with the other can’t see a problem with that

tbh even though you weren’t there you would of heard what was going on
you should of checked with DH not DS what was going on

I can remember being sent to bed as a kids when I was naughty certainly not scared me for life

Lost me at I’m a teacher

I’m not sure why. The reason I mentioned it was because a poster mentioned feeling sorry for the teachers having to ‘deal’ with ‘these’ kind of parents who have no boundaries. My point was, as a teacher and parent, it’s quite a jump to assume if you don’t agree with removing a 5 year old’s bedtime story, you also don’t have any boundaries. That’s all.

@maybein2022 when you see some usernames on here, best to ignore their goady, mean nonsense. Top tip.

i think there are a number of issues. If your little boy is addicted to a phone screen at five. You have to examine your parenting style . Using phones to entertain children is just lazy parenting.

in a current climate where smartphones are so damaging to children and young people . Parents should be actively keeping children away from smartphones.

Thank you everyone for your contributions. Many very helpful and will take on board, some slightly... odd. Tears for DS5? Lazy parenting with phones getting him addicted? Ok then.

In the cold light of day I realise I may have slightly overreacted last night and DH and I both agreed it was a miscommunication which led to unintended consequences, and in hindsight we should have swapped children so that he put DS5 to bed and I do DS2. Lesson learnt for next time.

We had a chat with DS5 and he's fine and has accepted our apology and forgiven us. He also understands how he didn't behave so well and we've had a great day today. So all is well today in our household.

Here's another one for boundaries I set today. DS2 made himself a nuisance in a cafe running around disturbing other customers instead of playing nicely in the play corner, and after 5 warnings (which he understood and wilfully did the opposite) I took him home. I'm a shocking mum I know!

Right way forward.

FWIW we have taken stories away for poor behaviour.