Me or DH?

[HouseD]

DS5 did not behave well at bedtime and got sent to his room while DH put DS2 to bed (I was on the loo so DH on his own for a few minutes with both). I went into DS5 room and comforted him, and while doing so got a text from DH saying “no story for DS5”. I explained to DS5 that because of the way he behaved, we won’t be doing story time, and DS5 said “daddy said I can’t have the Peter Rabbit book but he didn’t say I can’t have a story, so can we read another book?” So I clarified with DH: “did you say to DS5 no Peter Rabbit book, or no story?” and DH said “no story”. I explained this to DS5 and that he has to accept that these are the consequences of not behaving. He cried and begged that that’s not true, DH had not told him that he can’t have a story, and that I please read him one. Eventually he fell asleep.

On discussion with DH later in the evening, it turns out that he hadn’t told DS5 that he can’t have a story. He’d told him he can’t have the Peter Rabbit book. But, his behaviour escalated so badly that DH had intended to tell him that there’s no story but didn’t get round to it as he was trying to manage DS2 at the same time, and DH didn’t have time to explain all of this to me when I asked what exactly he had told DS5, as he had DS2 to manage, and his objective was to make sure DS5 wasn’t rewarded with a story, so took a “short cut” in his communication with me to ensure this happened.

I am upset because I kept telling DS5 he can’t have a story because daddy said so, thinking that I’m backing up my DH, and DS5 thinks we think he’s lying. If I had known the truth, I would have read him a story.

DH thinks it’s an unfortunate situation of miscommunication and ultimately he wanted to ensure DS5 gets no story as a reward, which he has achieved, but feels bad about what has happened and will explain to DS5 tomorrow that he couldn’t have a story and the reasons why.

DH feels that my question was ambiguous, and that I’m reading his answer to my question too black and white.

Writing this out I feel like I’m obviously right. Is there something I am missing?

Don't worry OP...you're a good mum. That much is obvious.
Please ignore the posts telling you otherwise, what the hell would they know?

To everyone else - he was not sent to bed as a punishment. It was bedtime. Read the bloody OP.

Deleted because I stupidly didn't read your updates.

I think it's a book that needs to quietly disappear.

I've made the wrong call myself a few times over three children. Everyone does (except the angels on this thread). The important thing is that you explain, apologise and give him a hug. Which I already know you'll do because your love for your son pours out of your posts.

Can we just take a second to appreciate that a 5YO understood and grasped "I can't have PR, BUT I can have a different one?"?
Amazing

DH lied to you

And taking away a bedtime story is mean

I think people really need to calm down.

The OP’s 5yo will not have the trauma and ‘lose his love of books’ because he ONCE learnt that misbehaving leads to privileges being revoked.

I don’t think parents realise that these OTT attitudes are damaging their children. To never ever show children that actions have consequences, to refuse to believe a child can misbehave is really not setting them up on a good path. I think the pendulum has swung too far the other way TBH.

My kids have had a few nights where they faffed on like crazy and after many warnings didn’t get a bed time story because it was too late. The lesson was that if you don’t get your arse into gear, if you muck about for 30 minutes before bed that’s what happens. It hasn’t killed them nor are they traumatised - it did make them MUCH better at making sure they were in bed on time though

I wouldn’t like to administer someone’s else punishment, your DH should have really been the one to see to him seeing as he set the punishment.

he said it was no story so the end result would have been the same, it’s just you feel bad because you were the one that had to see it through, which is understandable.

i don’t see the problem with removing the story rather than having a consequence the next day (like screen time/toy removal) as I personally think once it’s done, it shouldn’t be carried on to the next day, tomorrow is another day and if he’s already losing before he started, to me, it’s not an incentive to behave nicely and could cause another fall out, you could argue that the punishment was a little harsh but it is a learning experience for him that his actions do have consequences. I wouldn’t worry about it, you could explain about the miscommunication to him, but the underlying thing to make clear is that none of it would have happened if he’d have not been naughty.

This.

Some people round here as such drama llamas they immediately exaggerate what happened in the OP

Oh give over

Some of the replies on here are bloody bonkers!
Your DS was playing up and your DH implemented the consequence that your son knows will happen if his behaviour isn't acceptable.
Yes, he got upset because your DH didn't communicate as he should have but you're both going to explain and apologise to him this morning. No need for any more drama than that!
Oh and I'd be hiding that book if it has such a negative impact on your children.

I always laugh at the shocked posters on these types of threads who clearly never put a foot wrong in a stressful situation. I would wager my house that all the outraged posters have done far worse during stressful moments with their kids.
OP- your child's behaviour last night at bedtime was appalling and to be honest I would be focusing on addressing that rather than all this hand wringing over whether your DH meant the PR book or no story at all.
And you know what- as much as I love snuggly bedtime reads, sometimes no bedtime story is a natural consequence of messing around at bedtime. You waste time with tantrums and not getting ready, then there is no time left for a story. Natural consequence.

I wouldn’t comment on the whole situation but there was nothing unclear in your question. You clarified was it a story or Rabbit book and your DH sent you a wrong answer and then tried to put the blame on you. It’s so annoying. He said what he said there was no miscommunication, he messed up, you just relied on his words so he owes you apology as well.
My DH does this occasionally, he is good but doesn’t like to be wrong sometimes, and who does.
Hope you sorted it out, it’s minor really.

Some of these replies are hysterical. OP I think the main thing to learn here is don’t post a fairly nuanced parenting question on AIBU.
In seriousness though I don’t think this is a major problem, you & DH were both trying to instil consistent boundaries and it just got lost in translation with trying to put two small children to bed. I’d just both give your boy a big cuddle in the morning and explain it was a mistake, and maybe he gets 2 stories tonight or something. He’s not going to be traumatised or remember forever the time he once didn’t get a bedtime story. Nobody lied it was just a misunderstanding. We’re all human.

@ru53
Exactly, exactly.

I agree it isn’t a major problem, it’s a one off. I have a 5yo and did do no story recently, to be fair to me Dh was working late, they hadn’t stopped screaming and being silly, so much so that the 5yo after bath pooed and wee’d in his bedroom and the 8yo stepped on it and tracked it around and while I was trying to clean them up the 2yo wee’d in the playroom so I think it was justifiably a no one gets any story at all straight to bed type evening.

Yes, books aren't a privilege so I don't remove them as punishment but I sometimes do if they've wasted the book time with messing about. That's not the same.
I agree with you that I wouldn't use no sweets, no screen time, no anything the next day to punish for bedtime shenanigans. There really is no punishment for bedtime shenanigans is there? We have so little leverage! I'm not going to say no night light, no cuddly, or anything like that. It's just the stern telling off or mummy is disappointed. Bedtimes are hard!

I think you're getting the usual weird MN responses from all the people who wouldn't dream of setting a boundary. I dont see anything that's been done wrong, yeah there was confusion over what was said but ultimately your DH didn't want a tantrum rewarding. So what if it was his book that was punishment, these little boundaries are to try and help him realise not to do it again or he will lose nice things. I wouldn't let a child have a major tantrum and then say come on son let's all act like you never just done that. I think you are both right to explain to him that DH was wrong in what he said, but stand together in saying that the reason he didn't get his story was because of how he behaved.

Have I really just read that someone on here is crying for your child? 🤣🤣 this place cracks me up!

Are you missing something? Yes, you're as bad as each other, your parenting style isn't working and you need to reappraise, and explain to your DS5 that you both got that really wrong last night, it would have felt like you were lying to him, and apologise.

I’m also sniggering at these “DO NOT do X Y Z”. Do these posters think they actually have the jurisdiction over other people’s lives to dictate what they DO NOT do? How arrogant to believe you’re parenting style is the only acceptable one

Some people need to get off MN and go to therapy.

I wouldn't take bedtime story away it's just mean. A time out would have been been a better punishment then normal bedtime routine. I wouldn't have backed this.

It sounds like both your dh and dc got overwhelmed and frustrated. One of them was punished.

You read a different post to me. Child misbehaved, child was warned but continued so consequences were implemented.

I frequently observe parents not putting in consequences because it’s cruel, they didn’t mean it etc. The outcome we are experiencing in school is not good as a result.

@HouseD Could you swap the Peter Rabbit book for a more traditional Peter Rabbit book?

I have a thread running at the moment which is mostly about parent shaving too many kids when they have older children with existing issues, and it’s also largely about my DD’s bully. This bully is calling me DD fat (DD is skinny this bully is overweight) ugly, a r*tard because she accesses learning support, shoves her in the corridor and teaches her inappropriate things.

I am getting my arse handed to me because my at stony is not with the bully and I’m not doing enough to pressure the school to make life better for the bully. Apparently a 10yo doesnt have the ability to determine right from wrong and doesn’t know what they’re doing when they’re picking on someone. I’m also apparently the bully not not inviting this child to my DD’s birthday next month.

I fully support the notion that the fuckwits who peddle this crap are the ones raising bullies because those kids never got told off for anything and never had boundaries in place and a parent never wants to be nasty.

Having not shaving!! I really hope no one is shaving their kids